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Worried about Moving Across Town...


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Posted

So here's the deal:

 

Been with my current GF for a little over 9 months. It's the healthiest relationship either of us have ever been in and things are continuing to go well. We currently live about 4 miles from each other and see each other 3-5 days a week.

 

Recently she started looking for a new place to live as her current apartment is over-priced and her roomate is driving her nuts. A room in a very big house just became available but it's all the way across town (about 14 miles); which, given the general state of traffic, means that it'll probably take us A LOT longer to get to each other (probably about an hour). We both are pretty busy these days so this extra time could make a big impact on how often we get to see each other. I suppose we could just crash with each other on certain nights but the house she's considering has four other people which may likely means it will be hard for me to crash given an already cramped living situation (it can be tough as is when we both only have 1 roommate).

 

I'm trying to figure out how much concern I should voice about this place as an option. I don't want her to re-adjust her whole life just to be close to me and as I don't think that's fair. She's already trying to apply mostly to grad schools in our current city so we can stay together and don't have to try the long distance thing (something we've both had ruin relationships in the past).

 

We love each other a lot and I'm happy to do whatever I need to in order to make her life easier but I have an un-easy feeling in the pit of my stomach that this is going to put a lot of stress on our relationship. I've had this same feeling about other situations in the past (life-style related stuff) and ended up being right in the end.

 

She mentioned that she's a little nervous about being so far away from me and having it limit how much we get to see each other but very much likes the neighborhood and the house. I've told her that I'm also a little nervous about the distance but want to support whatever choice she makes.

 

I just don't know if I should be more honest and tell her that I'm getting a really bad feeling about this. I don't want to guilt trip her into ignoring this place (by stating all my reservations) but I also don't want to maybe end up in a situation where our relationship is super strained in a few months because of her move.

 

Any thoughts?

Posted

14 miles . . . . seriously? It's no big deal. I can't even imagine that being an issue or it taking an hour to get to each other.

 

You are creating problems where there are none.

 

If you can stand to be 14 miles away from each other that doesn't say much about the strength of your relationship.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Havn't been on LS for about six months.

 

Forgot how much I missed all the judgemental responses :)

  • Like 1
Posted
14 miles . . . . seriously? It's no big deal. I can't even imagine that being an issue or it taking an hour to get to each other.

 

You are creating problems where there are none.

 

If you can stand to be 14 miles away from each other that doesn't say much about the strength of your relationship.

 

I think an hour apart can be tough for a lot of people. For me personally, I don't have time to trek across town an hour each way to see anybody during the week. This would quickly turn into an only-on-the-weekend relationship for me. That wouldn't bother me personally, but I'm not the OP.

 

Just because it's not a big deal to you, doesn't make it the same for the OP.

Posted

IMO, after dating for nine months and seeing each other three to five times a week, a question in my mind is 'where is this going?'

 

Are you a team with a future together or two people dating? Figure that out first and the rest will work itself out.

  • Like 2
Posted

In a big city 14 miles can take an hour...is that the situation?

 

I imagine this is already on her mind, like it is yours, so I don't think bringing it up is any big deal. You can state the facts like you have to us hear, that you will likely see each other less, but as carhill said, where is this relationship headed? If you two have a future together, an hour away is a small price to pay.

  • Author
Posted
IMO, after dating for nine months and seeing each other three to five times a week, a question in my mind is 'where is this going?'

 

Are you a team with a future together or two people dating? Figure that out first and the rest will work itself out.

 

We certainly see a future together and know it. We're both happier than we've been in any other relationship and hope "this is the one." We've talked about moving in together and some point but neither of us wants to rush into this though we know it's somewhat of a foregone conclusion.

 

In a big city 14 miles can take an hour...is that the situation?

 

In a big city 14 miles can take an hour...is that the situation?

 

In LA it certainly can. Right now we live four miles apart and it sometimes takes me a half hour to get to her because of the traffic.

 

If you two have a future together, an hour away is a small price to pay.

 

Of course. We love each other and I've learned that I don't ever want to call something a "dealbreaker" and we're both willing to compromise. I'd even consider breaking my "no long distance" rule for her (though we both really hope it doesn't come to that).

 

It's more a concern about the level of stress it will put on us in an already stressful time. As I said, I've just kinda got a gut feeling about this. The last time I had that feeling was a while back when she found an abandoned dog and decided to rescue it. She knew from the start she wasn't in a great position to take care of it (she already had two cats and lived in a small apartment) but didn't want to give it to a shelter where they might put him to sleep. Nevertheless, it made her life very hard as she'd have to walk him every 8 hours and didn't have a car at the time so she didn't really have time for much of anything (as she was working long hours as well). Rather than telling her to take him to a shelter (as all her friends and family had been); I tried to meet her half way and suggest that I'd help her finding a loving home for him. It took a few months (I found different pet adoption events which we went to every week and took him to meet friends) but eventually we found him a home with a big family to take care of him.

 

Those few months though were really stressful. It was hard to see each other as much as we liked and she was always exhausted. It was no doubt the hardest time in our relationship and this just reminds me a bit of it. I just don't want seeing each other to become a challenge.

Posted

If you are a team, then your expressed concerns about increased distance and time pressures will find an audience and a dialogue. Communicate and work the issue as a team.

Posted (edited)

Welcome back, OP. :)

 

I've been in a really long distance LDR - of course an hour isn't really a LDR, but it would be denial to say that it would have zero effect on your lives. It will certainly be inconvenient and you would waste a lot of time commuting. A healthy R will stand the test of an hour's commute, of course, but I'm not generally a fan of 'testing' your R unnecessarily if it can be easily avoided.

 

So I guess the question is, to what extent can this be avoided?

 

I mean, does she have any constraints that would make it very difficult for her to find a place to rent? If she does, then I think this is just something you have to accept and make the best out of. But if she doesn't... I can't see why this place 14 miles away would be her only good option. There are dozens of rooms going out for rent at a time in any one suburb. Has she looked through all her options?

 

Also, how open are both of you to the possibility of moving in together? It isn't necessarily too early at 9 months of a very healthy R, but it depends on how you both view cohabitation. Totally fine if it goes against your principles, just putting the option out there.

Edited by Elswyth
Posted

I know Elswyth brought it up... but do NOT make the decision to move in together.

 

The reason I say this is because it should be an option presented not out of necessity but by choice. I did this once and it was a HUGE mistake.

 

If you are concerned about these things and it's been 9 months, then communicate that to her. See if there are other options. Get on Craigslist with her. Drive around.

 

But you also can't demand her to stay closer. She needs to make her own decision. Sometimes you just need to let life take its own course. Who knows, maybe the distance might actually be a good thing.

  • Like 1
Posted
I know Elswyth brought it up... but do NOT make the decision to move in together.

 

The reason I say this is because it should be an option presented not out of necessity but by choice. I did this once and it was a HUGE mistake.

 

It isn't really a necessity in their case, as neither of them are facing the threat of imminent homelessness - just one of the many possible options. It is certainly possible that it may not be the right option for them.

Posted

Give her a little bit of cash to suplemenet her rent so she can live more central. No need to move in together, just make it easier for her to be closer to you - if that's financially viable.

Posted

Why does she have to move further away? Will she be closer to school or family? or she just fell in love with the new place? Moving there may not be well thought out.

Posted
It isn't really a necessity in their case, as neither of them are facing the threat of imminent homelessness - just one of the many possible options. It is certainly possible that it may not be the right option for them.

 

Oh, I know it's not a necessity, but if push came to shove, he might see it that way.

 

Move in together and be close vs Her moving away further and see each other less

 

He seems to already be shifting mentally into that direction. The comment or conversation might even surface on one of their behalf's. The "What if we got a place together" could just pop out of nowhere, and I think it is way too early for that.

Posted
Oh, I know it's not a necessity, but if push came to shove, he might see it that way.

 

Move in together and be close vs Her moving away further and see each other less

 

He seems to already be shifting mentally into that direction. The comment or conversation might even surface on one of their behalf's. The "What if we got a place together" could just pop out of nowhere, and I think it is way too early for that.

 

Is 9 months of a healthy relationship too early especially if both people are renters and not home owners (and thus less drastic measures would be required)? I don't know - it could be. I've seen it work - the couple moved in together in the first year of college and are happily married a decade later. I've also seen it fail terribly with messy breakups. But I think it's something they could decide for themselves (even if the answer they arrive at is 'no, this isn't what we're gonna do').

 

I agree with you that he shouldn't view it as a necessity. There are plenty of other options, and at any rate an hour's drive isn't insurmountable.

Posted

OP, could you move to be closer to her?

 

I'm in LA and my gf lives about 14 miles away too. We make it work. Usually see each other once during the week and spend weekends together. Then talk every day. It works and keeps it exciting when we do get to see each other. But we haven't beem together 9 months or spent the amount of time that you've already spent together.

  • Author
Posted

THanks for all the advic guys.

 

So I guess the question is, to what extent can this be avoided?

 

I mean, does she have any constraints that would make it very difficult for her to find a place to rent? If she does, then I think this is just something you have to accept and make the best out of. But if she doesn't... I can't see why this place 14 miles away would be her only good option. There are dozens of rooms going out for rent at a time in any one suburb. Has she looked through all her options?

 

The only problem finding places is that she has two cats and a very high budget. She wants to find a cheaper place because of money and because her current roommate is driving her nuts.

 

She actually hasn't made a concerted effort to find a place yet. She's currently going through a really exhausting period where she's working a fulltime job AND apply to grad schools. She had started to look for a new place (she's month to month now) and sent out some inquiries. I offered to help her look for apartments (I'm pretty good at it and know a bunch of resources) but I thought she should wait until she was done with grad apps (in a month or two) since she had already told me she was more exhausted/stressed than she's ever been in her life. She agreed and put the search on hold but then one of the places she contacted emailed her back last week (aparently having missed her email before).

 

She likes that they are cat friendly and likes the idea of being in a big house with a lot of people. The rent is also very cheap. I still think that, even without the distance issue, trying to move across town would cause her to have a nervous breakdown while she's still doing college apps.

 

Also, how open are both of you to the possibility of moving in together? It isn't necessarily too early at 9 months of a very healthy R, but it depends on how you both view cohabitation. Totally fine if it goes against your principles, just putting the option out there.

 

We're open but both think now isn't he right time. For a while we've often said, "when we move in together" because we both have a good sense that this will eventually happen. We often look at neighborhoods we'd like to live in in one day and talk about what kind of places we like.

 

However, we talked about it casually a month or so ago and both felt a bit of hesitation at doing it soon. We both like having our independence and both need alone time to get work done. We both have different sleep schedules and different life schedules. We both "unofficially" lived with ex's for a super brief period and had it result in problems. After our talk, we agreed that we should try to figure out how we could live together one day without driving each other nuts and perhaps start spending more time at each other's place to see if this might be something that can work. The problem is that it's hard for her to spend several days at my place because of her cats and it's hard for me at her place because her roommate has been growing difficult. Moving to a situation with four roomates would make it (I think) WAY harder for me to crash and for us to try to ease into a routine of living together.

 

There's also the financial issue. I'm must graduated from grad school and am in the least financially stable position I've ever been. I do some freelance work but it's been sparse lately (and had two big pay checks cancelled at the last minute due to budget cuts from the companies I was working with). I'd much rather wait until I'm a bit more financially stable as I hate that idea of limiting our potential options because I'm broke (she doesn't make much either though...)

 

Why does she have to move further away? Will she be closer to school or family? or she just fell in love with the new place? Moving there may not be well thought out.

 

It's mainly because she's paying more rent than she wants and is frustrated with her roommate (even though he moved in to replace a previous person in the apartment and she really has control over the place).

 

In some ways, it isn't planned out which is one of the big differences in our personalities. I tend to be very cautious with big decisions and like to spend a good time searching. She tends to be someone who likes "instant gratification" (as she puts it) and likes to jump on a potential thing when it pops up. That's part of the reason I eventually talked her into avoid searching while she was apply to colleges. She was so stressed that she kept saying she didn't have time for anything and I was worried that she'd suddenly try to pile a move in on top of everything.

 

That's still a huge concern on my part but the long term is also a big concern.

Posted

 

She actually hasn't made a concerted effort to find a place yet. She's currently going through a really exhausting period where she's working a fulltime job AND apply to grad schools. She had started to look for a new place (she's month to month now) and sent out some inquiries. I offered to help her look for apartments (I'm pretty good at it and know a bunch of resources) but I thought she should wait until she was done with grad apps (in a month or two) since she had already told me she was more exhausted/stressed than she's ever been in her life. She agreed and put the search on hold but then one of the places she contacted emailed her back last week (aparently having missed her email before).

 

She likes that they are cat friendly and likes the idea of being in a big house with a lot of people. The rent is also very cheap. I still think that, even without the distance issue, trying to move across town would cause her to have a nervous breakdown while she's still doing college apps.

 

Ah, okay. Admittedly having two cats would make it much harder to rent, here anyway. But I agree with you that now would be a bad time. Also I don't think it's a good idea to make a big move like that without having even looked at other nearby options first.

 

In your place I would repeat my offer to help her out, if she refuses and wants to take this place then that's her prerogative.

 

 

We're open but both think now isn't he right time. For a while we've often said, "when we move in together" because we both have a good sense that this will eventually happen. We often look at neighborhoods we'd like to live in in one day and talk about what kind of places we like.

 

However, we talked about it casually a month or so ago and both felt a bit of hesitation at doing it soon. We both like having our independence and both need alone time to get work done. We both have different sleep schedules and different life schedules. We both "unofficially" lived with ex's for a super brief period and had it result in problems. After our talk, we agreed that we should try to figure out how we could live together one day without driving each other nuts and perhaps start spending more time at each other's place to see if this might be something that can work. The problem is that it's hard for her to spend several days at my place because of her cats and it's hard for me at her place because her roommate has been growing difficult. Moving to a situation with four roomates would make it (I think) WAY harder for me to crash and for us to try to ease into a routine of living together.

 

There's also the financial issue. I'm must graduated from grad school and am in the least financially stable position I've ever been. I do some freelance work but it's been sparse lately (and had two big pay checks cancelled at the last minute due to budget cuts from the companies I was working with). I'd much rather wait until I'm a bit more financially stable as I hate that idea of limiting our potential options because I'm broke (she doesn't make much either though...)

 

Yup, fair enough. If you're not ready for it then you're not ready, and certainly shouldn't try til you are.

 

Best of luck, hope you two manage to work things out!

Posted
We love each other a lot and I'm happy to do whatever I need to in order to make her life easier

 

then I'd suggest you move too

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