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FWB of 1 yr possibly just imploded...


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Posted (edited)

So this whole thing took a very weird turn. I think feelings for my fwb have surfaced (and him too?). The other day while we were having cocktails, my fwb of over a year casually mentioned another girl and how he's even talked to her mother. So what do I do? I have a small panic attack & had to grab my inhaler. Seriously? That was a bad move. Anyway, he panics at my reaction and tries to calm me down. After a minute or two I calmed down and we ended up talking about something else. The next morning, before I left he told me to "take it easy" or "keep it light" something like that. Later he posts a pic on IG joking about being jealous over a 'friend and nothing more'. 3 days later he goes out of town for work. In the meantime we're both posting pics on IG. On the last day of his trip, I happened to go to lunch with my Mother and posted the picture of the dining room and I think he thought I was on a date! Because he later made a comment about "there better not be anybody else...". So about an hour later he text me to come over early- as soon as he got home from the airport instead of late. I went and what happened next really threw me for a loop. I got the red carpet treatment. He was super attentive, cuddling, caressing and acting like such a gentleman and a lot of the things a devoted bf would do for his gf. And after we had sex, he kissed me on the cheek which he never usually does.

 

Last night and today he's been posting really romantic things that had me confused so I asked him about them. If we're on the same page- And he got so mad at me and said I "had the wrong guy" and was crazy for implying (anything). He text me "I don't know wtf you are talking about" and to "just stop it". I told him I wasn't trying to imply anything I just wanted to be on the same page and keep the lines of communication open- He said "this is why I stays single... women are crazy". I told him because if he was professing his love to someone else, in my face, I'd (rather) step out of the way because it'd be weird. And then he softened his tone and said again that he didn't know what I was talking and to have a good day .

 

 

What the heck just happened? :lmao:

Edited by Gallaxia
Posted

Why have you been having sex for a year with some guy without discussing this kind of thing?

 

You can drop your drawers and let him bury his face in your kooch for a year but you can't have a simple conversation about dating and feelings and relationships and what it all means??????

  • Like 1
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Posted

Yes, weird. But because we were keeping it casual...or so I thought (by his initiation- which I agreed with), I didn't think we needed to have a discussion. Can you tell I've never done a fwb before? Now I just don't what's going on anymore. I'm so confused.

Posted
Why have you been having sex for a year with some guy without discussing this kind of thing?

 

You can drop your drawers and let him bury his face in your kooch for a year but you can't have a simple conversation about dating and feelings and relationships and what it all means??????

 

Because in these times words are more powerful than sex.

Posted

You're not "the one" or it for this guy but he's still afraid to lose you...he wants to keep on the line and you're making him feel vulnerable and act out in ways he doesn't feel genuine about romantically but out of desperation and fear.

 

It's more normal than you think...he doesn't feel any different or stronger about you, he just doesn't want you to leave him on your watch...but he will eventually leave you for someone else unless he's interested in double dipping in two ponds.

  • Like 4
Posted

For some reason you are/will take a lot of flak here for having a FWB. Don't let it beat you down.

 

But ya, this happens with FWB's. Emotions surface that you didn't think we're there. To be honest, your FWB probably doesn't realize what's going on and that he was arriving like a BF. He was just really missing you and wanting to show you a really good time. We men are far less introspective with our feelings than you gals give us credit for. Heh! It didn't implode completely. I'd just try to relax on the emotions talk and if you do - don't do it via text. Do it after you have sex and are naked with each other.

  • Author
Posted
For some reason you are/will take a lot of flak here for having a FWB. Don't let it beat you down.

 

But ya, this happens with FWB's. Emotions surface that you didn't think we're there. To be honest, your FWB probably doesn't realize what's going on and that he was arriving like a BF. He was just really missing you and wanting to show you a really good time. We men are far less introspective with our feelings than you gals give us credit for. Heh! It didn't implode completely. I'd just try to relax on the emotions talk and if you do - don't do it via text. Do it after you have sex and are naked with each other.

 

 

Thanks Mrin. I have gotten it before but whattaya gonna do? :p The reason I asked via text is because we were both at work and because one of the posts was a question, which, if it was for me and me not clarifying would have made it seem like I was ignoring/disregarding his feelings, so I felt I had to ask now and not whenever we next meet up in person. Which should be extra awkward now if we do ... lol

 

You're not "the one" or it for this guy but he's still afraid to lose you...he wants to keep on the line and you're making him feel vulnerable and act out in ways he doesn't feel genuine about romantically but out of desperation and fear.

 

It's more normal than you think...he doesn't feel any different or stronger about you, he just doesn't want you to leave him on your watch...but he will eventually leave you for someone else unless he's interested in double dipping in two ponds.

 

Thanks Ninja, How am I making him feel vulnerable? Is this why he's mad? Because he thinks I tried to leave?

Posted
Yes, weird. But because we were keeping it casual...or so I thought (by his initiation- which I agreed with), I didn't think we needed to have a discussion. Can you tell I've never done a fwb before? Now I just don't what's going on anymore. I'm so confused.

 

Would your grandmother be confused about this in the slightest or would she know exactly what to say to you and know exactly what you should do if she were to find out about this?

  • Author
Posted

Wait, Oldshirt, what am I missing here? She was of a different generation so definitely unaccustomed to the whole fwb thing and today's dating world?

 

 

Another thing I forgot to mention earlier was while talking I mentioned something I didn't know how to do (something completely non-sexual) and he said down the road he's determined to eventually get me to do it...

Posted

Haven't you seen the movie Friends With Benefits? This stuff never works out. Your guy is experiencing jealousy whenever he thinks you're with someone else, yet he has commitment issues to just being with you. It's called having your cake and eating it too. He wants you all to himself, but he doesn't want to get too serious and would still like to be free to see others.

 

Tell him to make a choice. Either be friends with benefits and stop acting like a little girl about it, or try to make something more of it. If he's not ok with either of those, then cut him off.

  • Like 1
Posted
Wait, Oldshirt, what am I missing here? She was of a different generation so definitely unaccustomed to the whole fwb thing and today's dating world?

that's his point, I believe. You are overcomplicating things. Just talk to the guy and ask him what he wants and be honest about what you want.

Posted (edited)

He's not interested enough to make you his girlfriend, but guys are territorial so he doesn't want you to be the one to take up with someone else. He prefers that he is the one calling the shots, hence why he's apparently dating someone and yet keeping you around to have sex with. it's an ego thing. If it were more, you'd know it after a year of being intimate.

 

Also, if you're having that bad of a reaction to him seeing someone, you should stop sleeping with him. It's getting too complicated and you're getting too emotionally attached.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Posted

IronZ, no, never seen the movie. I might have to add now. Thanks Emilia for clearing that up for me.

 

 

Thank you so much guys. Definitely going to lay low while I think about what I need to tell this guy. I figured it was an ego thing. My reaction was a complete surprise to me too. So embarrassing! What threw me off though was how he was acting making me a priority when he came back. If he had a gf, wouldn't she have been? And he told me he was super stressed during the whole trip thinking about me. I tried to ask what he meant but he seemed king of shy like he'd said too much and didn't elaborate. If my reaction made him realize just how much I may like him, telling him I would/will step aside would really complicated everything. Ugh. The thing is, at the same time so far, all the dates I've been on have been duds so it's not like I'm not trying either.

Posted

Haven't you posted about this guy before?

  • Author
Posted

Yeah Diesel, same dude. But like I said, I have cast a wide net and have been going on dates but none of them have panned out yet. (I haven't slept with anyone else either) A few of the dates were just..... well, that's for another thread. :laugh:

Posted

My point about asking if this was the same guy is...

 

Why are you so surprised about this behavior then? Honestly, it's been in the making from previous posts about him.

 

You two are "together" but keep yourselves in this FWB label. As far as I'm concerned, this is more "open relationship" than FWB. You guys just won't admit to it.

  • Author
Posted

Well crap! Is that what's going on?! I hadn't even considered that! I didn't think we were necessarily in a rship. Thank you Diezel for this observation.

Posted

Well you both are trying to hide the fact that you are jealous of seeing other people.

 

FWB only works if both people agree to remain emotionally detached. You guys have clearly overstepped those boundaries a while ago. Look at your reaction when he told you he was going to see someone else.

 

You two have such a grey area in this FWB that it's ridiculous.

Posted
So this whole thing took a very weird turn. I think feelings for my fwb have surfaced (and him too?). The other day while we were having cocktails, my fwb of over a year casually mentioned another girl and how he's even talked to her mother. So what do I do? I have a small panic attack & had to grab my inhaler. Seriously? That was a bad move. Anyway, he panics at my reaction and tries to calm me down. After a minute or two I calmed down and we ended up talking about something else. The next morning, before I left he told me to "take it easy" or "keep it light" something like that. Later he posts a pic on IG joking about being jealous over a 'friend and nothing more'. 3 days later he goes out of town for work. In the meantime we're both posting pics on IG. On the last day of his trip, I happened to go to lunch with my Mother and posted the picture of the dining room and I think he thought I was on a date! Because he later made a comment about "there better not be anybody else...". So about an hour later he text me to come over early- as soon as he got home from the airport instead of late. I went and what happened next really threw me for a loop. I got the red carpet treatment. He was super attentive, cuddling, caressing and acting like such a gentleman and a lot of the things a devoted bf would do for his gf. And after we had sex, he kissed me on the cheek which he never usually does.

 

Last night and today he's been posting really romantic things that had me confused so I asked him about them. If we're on the same page- And he got so mad at me and said I "had the wrong guy" and was crazy for implying (anything). He text me "I don't know wtf you are talking about" and to "just stop it". I told him I wasn't trying to imply anything I just wanted to be on the same page and keep the lines of communication open- He said "this is why I stays single... women are crazy". I told him because if he was professing his love to someone else, in my face, I'd (rather) step out of the way because it'd be weird. And then he softened his tone and said again that he didn't know what I was talking and to have a good day .

 

 

What the heck just happened? :lmao:

 

The highlighted area where he does and says one thing to make you think something and then switching and saying you got it wrong is called gaslighting. It is a technique, conscious or not, that keeps the other person feeling off balance and wondering if they are crazy.

 

This guy doesn't want to lose his FWB and so throws crumbs to keep you eating out of his hand.

 

As soon as emotions become involved in an FWB arrangement, it's time to bail.

  • Like 2
Posted
We men are far less introspective with our feelings than you gals give us credit for.
Baseless generalization. Some men are introspective, and I guess some aren't.
Posted

It's not red carpet treatment just because he's nicer to you when you go over for sex. Red carpet treatment would be he dates you and respects you and doesn't just want to use you for sex. You obviously got more invested in him than FWB calls for. FWB shouldn't even be caring what the other person is doing day to day or following them in social media. For FWB to work, both people have to be on the same page and that page is: I only want sex from you. You are not anyone I could fall for. Both people should be dating others looking for the right person.

 

He's not going to take this to a real relationship with you. He got very impatient and let you know that. I think your FWB has run its course as you are not worrying about what he thinks. You should do no contact and find yourself a real relationship since that's where your heart is headed.

Posted
Wait, Oldshirt, what am I missing here? She was of a different generation so definitely unaccustomed to the whole fwb thing and today's dating world?

 

 

..

 

My point Exactly.

 

And they weren't unaccustomed to it. Guys have been trying to get free poon since Eve showed up.

 

They were just raised up by older and wiser women who told them not to do it. That's what's missing today. Today, people have to sign up to relationship sites to hear that advice.

Posted

Don't know what's going on with this guy but he's being evasive. Could be he doesn't want to confess his love to you; could be he is seeing someone else. Who knows?

 

One thing I would mention is don't confuse sexual possessiveness with love. Don't confuse sexual exclusivity with love. Guys always want their girls to be theirs only - sexually - but it doesn't mean anything more than that. It means HE doesn't want to share you with other guys. It doesn't mean he won't share himself with other girls (unless he's promised not to).

 

Love is something else which can bring about sexual jealousy but it is not one and the same.

  • Author
Posted

I'm with you now Oldshirt.

 

It's not red carpet treatment just because he's nicer to you when you go over for sex. Red carpet treatment ...

 

 

Reading that again YIKES! I definitely misspoke. I am fully aware of how a respectful man behaves. I guess what I should have said was he was exhibiting more attentive etc. behavior.

 

We follow each other on social media because that's where we 'met'. We work in the same industry and know some of the same people. What do you mean by I am not worried about what he thinks?

  • Author
Posted
Don't know what's going on with this guy but he's being evasive. Could be he doesn't want to confess his love to you; could be he is seeing someone else. Who knows?

 

One thing I would mention is don't confuse sexual possessiveness with love. Don't confuse sexual exclusivity with love. Guys always want their girls to be theirs only - sexually - but it doesn't mean anything more than that. It means HE doesn't want to share you with other guys. It doesn't mean he won't share himself with other girls (unless he's promised not to).

 

Love is something else which can bring about sexual jealousy but it is not one and the same.

 

 

This was more where I was coming from when I look back on everything. I mean, the fact that I am, says something. Thanks Spiderowl. And, Noted.

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