Father'sGentleFlower Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Ok, I know this isn't a mental health forum, but I'm getting desperate... I'm concerned about significant other, he has recently, in full light, opened up to me about how he sees life. He has mentioned before things such as "death is just a beautiful break" or when I would ask him what he wanted to do in life he would say "plan a beautiful death" even though it sounded like a joke, I found it disturbing that he would say those things with a smile on his face. When I saw him recently after two weeks of no contact, I asked him why he hasn't contacted me and he told me he was preoccupied with work and didn't even notice, when I questioned him more he told that he told me that he felt like he could not psychologically handle a relationship and work at the same, hence we are now on a break. This is important because the whole time that we talked about him and his thoughts, he centered it around me being happy or him not being able to love me enough. He was question "are we really done?", as did I, but I wanted to focus more on what he thought and he explained to me: (Keep this in mind as you read, he is a grown 25 year old man on his own, not a teenager) - He has not been happy with life ever since he was about 8 years old - He was adopted and never felt like he actually belonged in his family - He wants to do a few things before the time comes, which won't be any time soon, or while I'm in school (I feel like he said that to make me feel better) - He's tired of being awake (on a grand scale, meaning alive) - He's tired of routine - I'll mention that he also gets very angry at small things to the point that he starts mentioning his thoughts of how much better death is than life (for example, when he spills his beer or Netflix doesn't work for him) - He's very upset with his parents (or guardians, as he refers to them) for raising him badly and specifically mentioned that they often told him "Life sucks and then you die" - He feels like a mistake, as if the life he lives was not meant for him - I asked him if he felt depressed he said "no, that's just my logic" - I asked him if my love mattered to him at all and he told me "I only the comfort of death" and "I love you, but I don't know what kind of love I have for you" and "I don't want you to love me" (I asked because I thought that maybe he just needed to know that someone cared) - He thinks of ways to do it, he mentioned to me that too low of a caliber type gun might leave him a vegetable, but that either that would be a boring way to go and that it'd be to messy for the person that has to clean up the mess - He said he almost tried it when he was 16, but thought about his guardians and couldn't do it, now, he has nothing to lose because he cut them out of his life - He often questions whether he'll actually amount to anything, I tell him to do what he wants in life because that makes it worth living and he responds "what if I don't do the things I want?" to which I respond "That's up to you." (he wants to make movies and paint) - He is afraid to let go of his said mentality because, as he says, "it's what drives me, knowing that the last character or painting you make can be amazing or total sh*t" - He often compares himself and others to "just numbers" - He talks a lot about helping others, but not so much about himself, even though when I asked him, he told me he does think of himself and what he wants - I asked if he was hopeless (meaning he sounded like he had no hope for himself), he responded "I'm not hopeless" - Lately, he drinks every night after getting home from work (he says it is to numb his mind) - He says "everyday is a struggle to stay awake" (awake meaning alive) This is all I could remember him saying and I didn't really know what to say to him and I don't know what to do. All I could do was say "I'm here for you if you need me for anything" I partly feel like I shouldn't interfere with his decision, but because I'm so close to him, I also partly feel that giving up on him or doing nothing is wrong too. He doesn't want me talking to his parents, even if they talk to me. He sometimes takes it back by saying "don't worry, i'll probably grow out of it." I live an hour away, so it's harder to check up on him. How can I help him? I can clearly see that there's a problem whether he admits to it or not.
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 If you genuinely think he is a danger to himself have him involuntarily committed. I don't think it's that bad. Instead I would encourage him to try therapy. Make sure he knows that you care about him & his statements make you nervous. 3
salparadise Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I live an hour away' date=' so it's harder to check up on him. How can I help him? I can clearly see that there's a problem whether he admits to it or not.[/quote'] The best thing you could do would be to help him to get professional care. He definitely has symptoms of depression, and his talk of suicide should not be taken lightly. He has many risk factors- hopelessness, increased alcohol use, isolation, distancing/separation from family and friends, attraction to death and suicidal ideation, previous attempts, etc. Since you know that he is concerned about the impact on his parents, use that as the logical basis for why he should not consider it. You should probably talk to them and let them know that they need to stay close and be affirming. He needs to understand that he is loved, that his life is important to them. You can also affirm that his life is important to you regardless of your relationship status. This is a tough position for you to be in, as I'm sure you are aware. You can't take ownership this, you can't fix him, you can't be responsible for how he feels. Be empathetic, not sympathetic. If he's not trying to draw you in or make it about you, consider yourself lucky. AFSP.org 3
ltjg45 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Let me first say that, while I hasn't got to the level he has reached, I have felt that same amount of depression from him. I also questioned whether or not life is worth living many times and, while I am continuing on nonetheless, I do have to admit that I doubt I would accomplish much before my passing. I have seen too much to the point where I can see, in the future, one of the nastiest wars this world has yet to experience.....but that is just my theory and nothing more. All I hope for is I just pass on and not brutally killed, which is what I am getting from one of his messages. The only thing you can do, if you are willing to help, is to find some therapy and just try your best to keep an eye on him. You can't hold your own life down just for his sake. While I do understand him that life is nothing but pain almost all of the time (I feel that way every day just working and dealing with my parents, which is nothing but trouble), I can't see me putting anyone else through it. Perhaps their life is worth living so I will simply let them do just that and leave me be. Do whatever you can for yourself, watch him as best you can, but ultimately keep looking forward (even without him). It may not be what you want to hear but I do believe that is the best for both you and him. I would have told my mother the same thing if I ever fall back into that level of depression again. This is not a positive post, as I am sure you have seen, but I rather be brutally honest than give anyone false hopes. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 (edited) I have learnt that when people are serious about ending things it is very rare that they tell anyone or talk to anyone. They just do it and there is nothing that anyone can do. Please bear this in mind just in case. Because if anything does happen you will be very much out of control of it but you will suffer because of it. He is still talking and he is putting it off until he has "done things" so keep suggesting therapy to him and it may be a good idea to get some yourself. Perhaps start making plans long term with him so he has to put it back until after he has done those things. I have been where he is. I was probably closer than he was as I actually put everything in place, in secret and was ready to go. I was nano seconds away from being committed. The only reason why it didn't happen is that my family doctor saw me and got me onto medication and I was able to see what was happening around me. He can get better and go on to lead a normal life and put all of this behind him but he has to realise what he is doing to everyone around him, which if he is in the "fog" he will not see at the moment. He has to want to get better and he has to work at it. There is sod all you can do apart from encourage him to get medical help. Beware, this type of behavior is very draining. You MUST look after yourself first. Edited October 16, 2014 by Toodaloo Bolding important bit
TigerLilly78 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Yeah I lived with a abusive alchy for years and this sounds just like him its all BS its a way to make you feel bad and a passive aggressive way to control you its up to you how long you want to deal with that kinda treatment may sound harsh but this is coming from years of experience with such people.. 1
salparadise Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 ...when people are serious about ending things it is very rare that they tell anyone or talk to anyone. This is not true. He has talked about it, even to the point of contemplating how he would complete it. This puts him at greater risk, not less. He has many risk factors. What is true is that if he becomes determined, or goes into crisis, it's not going to be within your realm of control. Help him get the help he needs. It probably would be a good idea for you to see a counselor as well. This is too much weight for you to bear alone. You need to integrate the realization that you aren't in control, that it won't be your fault if the worst happens... while also understanding how to speak with him and how you can help.
Author Father'sGentleFlower Posted October 17, 2014 Author Posted October 17, 2014 Thank you all for responding! I have seen a counselor yesterday and talked to his sister. She told me that at one point after moving out of his parents he tried coming back, which may have caused him to fall out with his parents. This told me that he hasn't been totally honest about why he feels the way he feels about his parents. He often blames them and other people for his short comings and bad experiences, so it makes sense now. He must be angry at his parents for not letting him back in and he's using past experiences with them to justify his anger (my guess because he has not spoke of them so badly until after he moved out). As for me, I'm prepared for him to be angry at me, I know he didn't want me to tell his parents or sister, but I'd rather him be safe and surrounded by people that care than just leave him knowing that he could potentially harm himself. Im going to continue to go to counseling to help myself cope. Thank you again! 1
todreaminblue Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 (edited) posters who are saying that people who will commit suicide dont tell anyone are correct some people who commit suicide do so impulsively....on an impulse.....might nto hav esaid a word to anyone about how they feel ...others plan it precisely to ensure it is "easier" on the ones they leave behind..... the posters who say that people abotu to commit suicide let others know are right....there is no right or wrong it all depends on the person, the situation and the time most importantly the degree of mental instability threats of suicide or suicidal musings should be taken seriously regardless...and professional compassionate guidance and help is warranted in the opening posters case.. i will let you know that helping others and devoting service and time to others ..... .....is a form of helping yourself to live........vicariously maybe......but should not be considered to stop it is helping him...selfessness....brings hope along for the ride....either vicariously or not...deb.. Edited October 17, 2014 by todreaminblue
salparadise Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 threats of suicide or suicidal musings should be taken seriously regardless... Yes, this is just not something where generalizations apply. It runs the spectrum. A lot of people who complete suicide do exhibit risk factors beforehand, including talking about it either directly or through innuendo. I wish people would refrain minimizing this. I happen to have training in this area, and I talk to and assess people at risk. This guy is at risk. Thankfully, the OP seems to have a good grasp of that. @OP tried to PM but you don't have enough posts
William Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Please, no solicitation nor providing of personal information on-forum. Any support and/or discussion can occur right here. Thanks!
dragonfire13 Posted October 26, 2014 Posted October 26, 2014 He sounds like he is apathetic about life. I have felt like this before, and a run of bad luck with personal circumstances probably didn't help. I'm bringing this up because I no longer feel like that. I hope it passes for your SO. Therapy/counselling may help, but also perhaps trying something different - he may be feeling like this due to the monotony of his current routine.
Author Father'sGentleFlower Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 He sounds like he is apathetic about life. I have felt like this before, and a run of bad luck with personal circumstances probably didn't help. I'm bringing this up because I no longer feel like that. I hope it passes for your SO. Therapy/counselling may help, but also perhaps trying something different - he may be feeling like this due to the monotony of his current routine. Wish I could pm you, the site won't let me yet, but yes routine is something he often complains about.
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