Author Trotters Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 The thing I'm questioning is why she would specifically tell you that she cheated? I don't want to question you or anything, but that seems really strange to me. Just came up in conversation when we went out after work for a coffee. Were close & I guess she trusts me not to say anything.
NJ123 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Just came up in conversation when we went out after work for a coffee. Were close & I guess she trusts me not to say anything. True, but I hope you at try to pretend to her that your going to say something to worry her into confessing herself. If at that point she doesn't confess than she's gotta be some sort of sociopath. If she has no guilt at all now while doing that to her husband & her kids than she definitely has some sort of psychological problem she's suffering from. Don't know how she can look her husband & kids in the eye for so long without feeling any guilt. It's just sick.
Quiet Storm Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 (edited) Some people, especially ones that have had very chaotic childhoods or sexual abuse, have the ability to avoid or minimize negative feelings. It is a coping mechanism that they developed as a child, to protect themselves from the emotional pain of abuse/neglect/family dysfunction. It helps them survive a horrible situation. The problem is that it doesn't disappear when they grow up and get out of that environment. It's still used as a coping skill, but manifests in different ways. Negative emotions like guilt and shame are automatically avoided, and they become detached from those emotions. It's not that they don't feel guilt or shame. It's just that they cope with them differently. Kids have no control over their environment. They can't fix dads drinking or stop mommy from hitting them. So they ignore, they avoid, they pretend. This carries over into adulthood, and instead of dealing with conflict in constructive ways, they ignore, avoid and pretend. This isn't to say that it's not her fault. It is. It's her responsibility to deal with her issues. Edited October 15, 2014 by Quiet Storm 2
No Limit Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Cheaters - especially serial cheaters - don't feel guilt from their actions. Most of the time they just regret getting caught, otherwise they would happily continue. If your greatest pleasure in life is betraying others in the most caddish way, well, I'm just glad that I'm not in their shoes.
Radu Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Not me, someone I know has cheated 8 times but isn't going to tell their husband. I think she will stop/learnt her lesson...but to live rest of your life knowing what you've done but to not admit it seems like living a lie to yourself. How can you live rest of your life with that always at back of your mind?. It cant be taken back & she'll always know what shes done til she dies. Im not going to tell, im not the revenge type but I just don't know how people can live pretending nothing happened. Its not fair to their spouse, hes living a lie too & has no idea. If she cheated so many times it's very unlikely she will stop. To answer your question, they use rationalizations to compartimentalize it, to put the experience in a little box that should never be opened.
Radu Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 If you work with her, do not inform her husband unless you have hard proof. Even then, there will be backlash towards you from work, and also from her ... someone who is this good as cheating must be a good manipulator, and against someone like that, i don't think you stand much of a chance.
Brooke02 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Well she's a huge coward for telling others that aren't her husband that she's cheating. If that were me I'd say something like "if you don't tell him, I will since he deserves to know." That'll probably get her all worried, and will maybe get her to confess herself. YOU don't want to break up their family and cause the pain of telling him. Let that happen how it's gonna happen, whether she gets caught or tells him. That's HER issue , it's none of your business really.
NJ123 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 YOU don't want to break up their family and cause the pain of telling him. Let that happen how it's gonna happen, whether she gets caught or tells him. That's HER issue , it's none of your business really. Well she technically made it the OPs business by confessing to him she cheated 8 times. You know how guilty you'd feel if you worked with this woman & the husband & kids happened to come in to visit her & you couldn't say a thing about it? That would at least bother me a lot personally. If they had no kids, I'd send him an anonymous e-mail about it. It doesn't seem like he's ever going to find out on his own unfortunately & that's a shame.
Brooke02 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Well she technically made it the OPs business by confessing to him she cheated 8 times. You know how guilty you'd feel if you worked with this woman & the husband & kids happened to come in to visit her & you couldn't say a thing about it? That would at least bother me a lot personally. If they had no kids, I'd send him an anonymous e-mail about it. It doesn't seem like he's ever going to find out on his own unfortunately & that's a shame. I disagree, it's not her husband, her kids. It's not her place to break them up. Especially like another post said, she has no proof. Are they really good friends? Why would a coworker tell you they cheated when their husband comes into the office to visit? A cheater MAY tell a really good friend, but I doubt they would tell a just a coworker. And he will find out on his own if it's true. Cheaters eventually get caught.
NJ123 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I disagree, it's not her husband, her kids. It's not her place to break them up. Especially like another post said, she has no proof. Are they really good friends? Why would a coworker tell you they cheated when their husband comes into the office to visit? A cheater MAY tell a really good friend, but I doubt they would tell a just a coworker. And he will find out on his own if it's true. Cheaters eventually get caught. I get it's not her husband & kids but the husband deserves to know in general. Like I said since they have kids, I wouldn't say anything. But if they didn't have kids, I would personally send an email or something to let him know. Like I said the wife is a complete coward for doing this & having no guilt either. A complete monster of a person.
HereNorThere Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 There are people who have been busted talking in their sleep, under the influence of alcohol or medical/recreational drugs. The AP could grow a conscience, accidentally tell someone that knows someone you know, financial and phone records, your own guilty conscience or THEY FIND YOUR FREAKIN ADMISSION ON THE INTERNET. There are lots of threads here where people were busted even 10 to 20 years later. It's a lifetime secret that could ruin your family for the rest of your life. You're basically hold a grenade in your pocket.
NJ123 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 There are people who have been busted talking in their sleep, under the influence of alcohol or medical/recreational drugs. The AP could grow a conscience, accidentally tell someone that knows someone you know, financial and phone records, your own guilty conscience or THEY FIND YOUR FREAKIN ADMISSION ON THE INTERNET. There are lots of threads here where people were busted even 10 to 20 years later. It's a lifetime secret that could ruin your family for the rest of your life. You're basically hold a grenade in your pocket. That's why it's better to just flat out confess. And for them to find out from their partner instead of in another way.
Brooke02 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 That's why it's better to just flat out confess. And for them to find out from their partner instead of in another way. If it was that easy to just confess, she would of just left instead of cheating. Think about it.
NJ123 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 If it was that easy to just confess, she would of just left instead of cheating. Think about it. There's no excuse. What they do is wrong, and they need to own up to their mistakes & confess no matter how hard it is since their partner deserves to know.
anne1707 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 The thing I'm questioning is why she would specifically tell you that she cheated? I don't want to question you or anything, but that seems really strange to me. Just came up in conversation when we went out after work for a coffee. Were close & I guess she trusts me not to say anything. The OP is not being entirely clear. He is in fact the OM who this woman had the affair with.
NJ123 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) The OP is not being entirely clear. He is in fact the OM who this woman had the affair with. I was considering that, that's why I was asking all those questions I just didn't want to say anything. But now that you flat out said it, I'm speaking about it now. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I wouldn't be surprised if they are the OM. Things that were really strange are the anger the OP seems to have about the situation, and saying "she stopped doing it after 8 times". Also mentioning "not being a vengeful person" almost like the wife finally said it needs to end & they need to stop talking & now the OP is pissed. And OP wouldn't give really clear answers about things. Edited October 18, 2014 by NJ123
MissBee Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Ive heard many people say the truth always comes out after you've cheated several times even if it takes years. But how would truth come out if no one else knows about it now in years to come???. Unless you cheated with yourself, someone else does know about it, the other person you cheated with and you can't be sure who they told. So in that sense, there is no "perfect cheating" as theoretically, if one other person knows then anyone else can. But of course, not all cheating gets discovered. But you don't know yet, until life is over. There is still time for it to be found out. So I wouldn't assume smooth sailing just yet, especially if you keep cheating on the same person, then it just increases the chances. Or if the cheating is ongoing then it increases the chances of mistakes, sloppiness, suspicion etc. I think one night stands and one time cheating events can go under the radar a lot easier than having an ongoing affair.
Diezel Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 There is a reason why the quote goes "The truth shall set YOU free." It doesn't say "The truth shall set EVERYONE free." Think about it.
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