WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I've gone through a series of bare minimum boyfriends and just straight a*holes. Now I'm dating this new guy who has done nothing, absolutely nothing, but treat me with respect and caring. But in the back of my head, I'm always expecting bad things to happen, for him to screw it up some way, to let me down, I assume his excuses (which is rare like once or twice) are lies, which I've found out weren't. But he has no idea that I have this feeling of, I guess, distrust. I've told myself that I have no reason to distrust him and that its just from being burned. My best friend told me not to let the past stop me from being happy. I don't know what I'm really asking for...I guess I'm just venting.
carhill Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Beware of poisoning the relationship to fulfill the prophecy. It happens. Generally, I'd suggest such matters are a healthy reason to spend alone time between relationships and work through such issues outside of them but, generally, people don't follow such advice so there ya go. Hope it works out! 4
GemmaUK Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 People have this thing sometimes where they choose to ignore their instinct. Little signs come out here and there and we make excuses and rationalise things somehow. BUT...sometimes all we are doing is making assumptions that are acceptable to us for why this behaviour is happening. Gut instinct is there for a reason and no matter how dumb something sounds if the instinct is triggered then the next time that instinct is triggered these things should all be considered...they usually add up! If you have already learned from behavioural patterns and also from your own previous acceptance/enablement of them then you will only move forward and quit when you know things are not right. If you haven't learned yet then maybe you could benefit from reading up on behavioural patterns and relationship issues similar to those you have had in the past. To do this and learn though you need to be able to be very honest with yourself as to what you previously enabled or did which made the situation worse. This comes from someone who has accepted what she did wrong, been aware she brushed instincts aside and thankfully got away from a toxic man before things got worse. It took me almost a year after I broke it off to actually figure out what was going on and where it may have led if I had stayed in that RS though. 1
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 People have this thing sometimes where they choose to ignore their instinct. Little signs come out here and there and we make excuses and rationalise things somehow. BUT...sometimes all we are doing is making assumptions that are acceptable to us for why this behaviour is happening. Gut instinct is there for a reason and no matter how dumb something sounds if the instinct is triggered then the next time that instinct is triggered these things should all be considered...they usually add up! If you have already learned from behavioural patterns and also from your own previous acceptance/enablement of them then you will only move forward and quit when you know things are not right. If you haven't learned yet then maybe you could benefit from reading up on behavioural patterns and relationship issues similar to those you have had in the past. To do this and learn though you need to be able to be very honest with yourself as to what you previously enabled or did which made the situation worse. This comes from someone who has accepted what she did wrong, been aware she brushed instincts aside and thankfully got away from a toxic man before things got worse. It took me almost a year after I broke it off to actually figure out what was going on and where it may have led if I had stayed in that RS though. Wait so are you saying I'm having these feelings because he might actually be doing something wrong and I'm blinding myself from it?
BluEyeL Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 No, I have had the same feelings with my current guy. It's normal. Sort of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Make sure you delay your reactions to perceived disappointments and try to cool down/find out more info and don't jump to conclusions so you don't sabotage a good thing.
quidproquo89 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Wait so are you saying I'm having these feelings because he might actually be doing something wrong and I'm blinding myself from it? i wouldnt get yourself too wound up
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 No, I have had the same feelings with my current guy. It's normal. Sort of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Make sure you delay your reactions to perceived disappointments and try to cool down/find out more info and don't jump to conclusions so you don't sabotage a good thing. I'm working on this. I do it a lot but not to him, only in my mind and so far it's never what I think. Waiting for the other shoe to drop Lol perfect expression i wouldnt get yourself too wound up You're right. Calm it down. 1
Keenly Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Sounds like you are mentally punishing this new guy because of what other guys have done, and that's hardly fair. 2
GemmaUK Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Wait so are you saying I'm having these feelings because he might actually be doing something wrong and I'm blinding myself from it? You haven't posted anything specific...so...I'm guessing there are no real doubts yet for you. It's when you get a 'real' doubt that could be tiny is when you need to log it and recall it next time something which seems odd to you happens. Silly thing maybe but keep a record of 'odd' things. We usually brush them off but actually all the small insignificant odd things can add up to good or bad. 1
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 Sounds like you are mentally punishing this new guy because of what other guys have done, and that's hardly fair. I know...that's why I'm trying to recognize it and stop it, somehow. 1
GemmaUK Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I know...that's why I'm trying to recognize it and stop it, somehow. You only recognize it by learning. Reading up on relationship behaviour and accepting your own. Then when something sparks your instinct you have a better idea whether to stay or go. 3
Priv Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I don't understand the string of "bare minimum boyfriends and just straight a*holes". I find it a really worrisome attitude. You were with these men for a while, in love and everything. People in RS let each other down and hurt each other all the time. It is inevitable. Does not make them straight a*holes. Never understood that mentality. Of the dozen or so relationships/flings/whatever I had I can only honestly say 1 was very bad for and to me, the one that brought me to LS. Others have hurt me too, sure, but that does not make them b*tches. Maybe it is because I was lucky, but more likely it is because a difference in our attitude. 1
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 I don't understand the string of "bare minimum boyfriends and just straight a*holes". I find it a really worrisome attitude. You were with these men for a while, in love and everything. People in RS let each other down and hurt each other all the time. It is inevitable. Does not make them straight a*holes. Never understood that mentality. Of the dozen or so relationships/flings/whatever I had I can only honestly say 1 was very bad for and to me, the one that brought me to LS. Others have hurt me too, sure, but that does not make them b*tches. Maybe it is because I was lucky, but more likely it is because a difference in our attitude. Bare minimum as in they existed, but didn't do anything more than that. A*holes for treating me badly or acting like I didn't exist. I have never been in love, I'm not naive. It probably is just a difference in our attitudes.
BlueIris Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 People come into relationships with their histories- whether it’s how they saw their parents treat each other, the stories they’ve heard, the relationships good or bad that they’ve had themselves, or any number of things. It comes with being human. The best we can do is be aware of ourselves and our own histories and biases, and do reality checks to gain objectivity. It sounds as though you are, so I’d say you’re doing well.
Priv Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I have never been in love, I'm not naive. Guess so than Can you blame exes for not paying attention to a partner who is clearly not in love with them. I tend to agree with Carhill as in it being a self fulfilling prophecy. Stop trying to find the worst in people and you might accidentally find yourself in love. 1
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 People come into relationships with their histories- whether it’s how they saw their parents treat each other, the stories they’ve heard, the relationships good or bad that they’ve had themselves, or any number of things. It comes with being human. The best we can do is be aware of ourselves and our own histories and biases, and do reality checks to gain objectivity. It sounds as though you are, so I’d say you’re doing well. Its sooo true! I know the horror stories on here, freak me out even more than how I would normally feel. I am scared of letting myself feel vulnerable. We've talked about our pasts and I cried in fdon't of him for the first time last week and it freaked me out because I don't do that in front of people. I felt like I was opening up too much and that I'm letting him get inside to hurt me. Obviously, we both have hang ups, he hasnt been in a relationship in 5 years.
quidproquo89 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Its sooo true! I know the horror stories on here, freak me out even more than how I would normally feel. I am scared of letting myself feel vulnerable. We've talked about our pasts and I cried in fdon't of him for the first time last week and it freaked me out because I don't do that in front of people. I felt like I was opening up too much and that I'm letting him get inside to hurt me. Obviously, we both have hang ups, he hasnt been in a relationship in 5 years. you don't have to make yourself feel vulnerable . Just enjoy your time together and stay strong 1
Teraskas Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Sounds like you are mentally punishing this new guy because of what other guys have done, and that's hardly fair. Exactly this. Honestly I'm wondering if the women I'm dating have all adopted this attitude and are subsequently generalising me for something which I've never even done in the first place. The important thing for the OP is to STOP ASSUMING that all guys are the same. I'm generalised far too often for this, lol. 1
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Author Posted October 17, 2014 Exactly this. Honestly I'm wondering if the women I'm dating have all adopted this attitude and are subsequently generalising me for something which I've never even done in the first place. The important thing for the OP is to STOP ASSUMING that all guys are the same. I'm generalised far too often for this, lol. It gets a little easier everyday. Just building trust.
most_distant_galaxy Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 You should either concentrate on how sexy he is, or think about whether you are ready for dating. Maybe you just need some time off.
salparadise Posted October 20, 2014 Posted October 20, 2014 Its sooo true! I know the horror stories on here, freak me out even more than how I would normally feel. I am scared of letting myself feel vulnerable. We've talked about our pasts and I cried in fdon't of him for the first time last week and it freaked me out because I don't do that in front of people. I felt like I was opening up too much and that I'm letting him get inside to hurt me. Obviously, we both have hang ups, he hasnt been in a relationship in 5 years. I completely disagree with quidproquo89 on this. You do have to allow yourself to be vulnerable if you want to experience life and love wholeheartedly. What you must not allow is running away or sabotaging when the little pangs of fear occur. Projecting past negative experiences onto someone who has given you no reason to doubt him is self sabotage. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you. You must find a way to believe in the goodness in people, to expect the best and be forgiving if they don't quite measure up despite their best intentions. If you find that the best intentions aren't there, well that's a different scenario. These are things you have to reconcile, come to terms with, within yourself. It's hard work, but you have to do it. What a shame it would be to push a great person away for no other reason than you not believing in him, or because you can't conceive that good possibilities exist for you. 1
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 20, 2014 Author Posted October 20, 2014 What a shame it would be to push a great person away for no other reason than you not believing in him, or because you can't conceive that good possibilities exist for you. I agree. This has been truly sobering.
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