Performance anxiety while dating

[Panatana90]

I am a 25-year-old guy who got dumped out of the blue by my ex-gf of four years about five months ago. I won't get into that as I've posted about it on this forum before, but naturally I was crushed by the whole situation.

 

Since then, I feel I've been doing well and have even been on dates with a few girls. Now, my ex was the only girl I had ever had sex with. It's something that would always make me nervous prior to doing it for the first time, so much so that I would fail to get/maintain an erection. This really bothered me as I wanted to do it but it appeared anxiety was preventing me. My ex wanted to wait anyway, so there was no pressure from her. I was putting pressure on myself. After a few months of going out, we did have sex and for four years, I never looked back and had no problems since.

 

Then when I got dumped, I panicked and thought "oh ****, what if that problems comes back?" And lo-and-behold it *kinda* has. I've casually dated a few girls lately and a few weeks ago I was out with a girl and we both got pretty drunk. We went back to my place and had sex, with no real problems. Then a few days later (sober, this time) we had sex again and had no problems at all. It was great, I felt I combated the issue.

 

Then just a few nights ago, I was on a date with a different girl and she invited me back to her place. Things got very hot and heavy but my stupid brain for some reason went into overdrive and I thought about that problem again. Unfortunately, I underperformed it just didn't happen. The girl was completely fine when I explained I get performance anxiety, which was very sweet of her.

 

In the space of like two weeks I have went from "hell yeah, I can do this" to " oh no, not again." Now my desire to have sex is at a low from being at an almighty high. Can anyone relate/offer some advice? I'm very embarrassed to admit this, but it's just annoying for this problem to come back! I do have bad anxiety in general but can control it well when relaxed. I'm defintely an over-thinker. Would like to hear your views

[dragonfire13]

The problem sounds psychological rather than physical, which should be reassuring, as well as the fact that you can perform with a bit of dutch courage.

 

I'm not a guy so I can't give much practical advice, but maybe you can try slowing things down and having sex once you've spent more time with a girl - when you're more comfortable around her, there might be less pressure on you sexually.

 

Try this part of Loveshack, which might have related threads that could help.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/

[mightycpa]

Obviously, this is a self-fulfilling thing connected to insecurity. Like any other unwelcome thoughts of any variety, you have to train yourself to switch images in your head, and train so thoroughly that it becomes automatic.

 

For example, I wanted to stop thinking of my ex in a positive way. So every time I thought about her, I conjured up an image that was so disgustingly negative in my mind, that I didn't like her because of it. I trained myself so well that when I think of her even now, many years later, that image still pops up in my head. Ewww.. I can see it now.

 

You'll want to do something similar with another positive image that is likely to get you where you want to go. You can train yourself out of this, it will just take a little time and some concerted effort. Don't use porn, because that won't be there when you need it. Just use your mind.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Relax, relax, relax. Many men have some degree of performance anxiety when they first have sex with someone new, especially if they really like her. Nobody's expecting you to be perfect. As a woman I don't think sex issues mean he's bad in bed; I think they mean he's stressed, upset, worried, whatever. Women experience this just as much if not more than men do.

 

I had one guy who was startlingly honest ("I think I'm feeling guilty about XYZ"). I was touched that he felt comfortable enough to share that with me. We talked through it, got back to making out for a while, and the next time he came over I damn near got evicted for being so loud.