cottom Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I am meeting with my ex tomorrow to talk about whats gone on between us. How do i approach this without sounding like "mr nice guy" or a "whiteknight" and make her want me. Background to us if you hadnt read any prior thread, or more detail if you have: August i found out my ex had been cheating on me (2 year relationship), we broke it off. About 2 days later i started chatting to another girl and we hit it off straight away, she had only been f*** buddies with guys before really, she had relationships of half a year or so but they always ended up f-ing her over. I was happy with this girl and we moved far too fast, got together officially 2 weeks after leaving my ex. When we first got together we had fun together, we would go out, have our own mates we would bring each other to different nights out with respective mates. During this time i was commuting 200 miles daily and returning home so could see her if i was bored. Then about 3 weeks ago i moved out to my work, i could see her on a weekend, she worked saturdays so id see her fri and sat night and sunday but she has her own friends aswell who work saturdays and want to go out girly nights on a saturday night etc so i got clingy and must have seemed obsessive, wanting to see her and being angry when she wanted a girly night. I was stressed with the move, being away from anyone i knew and starting in a new company and became resentful over stuff we used to do but not anymorw, such as going out clubbing etc, we went out and i went off on one tired and sat out all night on the side while she stayed and had fun dancing with my mates. I could tell she started to become unhappy about us and i thought to overturn that was to show her more affection and pedalstool her, she turned more unaffectionate and stopped talking to me texting me and wanting to spend time and go out with me. I had a stressful day on monday and snapped and had a massive go at her how shes a terrible gf etc and i want someone who wanted someone who treats me how i treat them, then she said she thinks shes to young for me,i want to settle down and she wants to go out party and have fun etc. Which is frustrating because that is who i am, im 22 i dont want to settle with kids and family etc, i want a gf i can have fun with which she was exactly. I flipped and gave her an ultimatum and said i wouldnt give her time to think what she wanted, its stay with me or leave me as im not waiting for her to think about it - not like me at all to be like this, all the stress has just built up and i took it out on her. Obviously she chose to leave at that kind of pressured choice. But i text her earlier, last time i saw her was a week ago where i took her for a trip to scotland for a few days, she said thankyou and she will see me when im home from work. Im home tomorrow and text saying "meet me tomorrow after work and we get your preg test sorted out the way and talk about us, 14 year olds break up over text" ...her reply "Okay I did say that but you said you didn't want to see me again but yeah that's fine" HOW DO I APPROACH THIS WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE IM BEGGING HER BACK???
Tayken Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Mate....I know as a Brummie, the last thing you want to be hearing is a Londoner telling you about how to handle relationships However, you are young (22) and shouldn't be getting involved in anything serious at this stage. You do realize that just because someone might be pregnant with someone's child, doesn't mean the person has to stay with them if they are not feeling it? There are people out there that pay their child support, and co-parent without living with each other. Additionally, learn to slow down and stop jumping into relationships for some reason. The world is your oyster at this stage, and when I was your age, I was busy traveling, backpacking, building a foundation career wise for my future. I don't want to come across as some old man (am in my 40s), but am NOT telling you anything I won't tell my own son or acquaintances. Also try and get some help with your frustration / blow out now before it spirals out of control. She cheated on you, you cheated on her...with this kind of attitude, it doesn't get any better. Begging her is only going to give her a reason to be unapologetic about what she did.
lauri Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 No good will come from seeing her. Want my honest suggestion from experience? Cancel on her. That is you only chance of potentially fixing anything - you cancel on her and go NC. She has to realize that breaking up with you means losing you and you're okay with moving on. Any approach of affection, caring, seeing her etc will only push her further away. You need to think of yourself first. And to be honest, she will probably cancel on you if you don't do it first. 2
Toodaloo Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I think you should cancel too. I have no idea what either of you could say to make anything any better. I can't see any positive outcomes... She is having a pregnancy test? This I am worried about...
movingonnow1 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 No good will come from seeing her. Want my honest suggestion from experience? Cancel on her. That is you only chance of potentially fixing anything - you cancel on her and go NC. She has to realize that breaking up with you means losing you and you're okay with moving on. Any approach of affection, caring, seeing her etc will only push her further away. You need to think of yourself first. And to be honest, she will probably cancel on you if you don't do it first. Agreed. Cancel.
Author cottom Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 Were meeting because last time we spoke we were fine, kissed each other goodbye and said see you next week. After a particularly stressful week i flipped out and took it out on her, said i didnt want to see her again and we broke up over im. After a day of no contact i messaged her to meet because 1) shes a month late and we can get the test sorted asap. 2) adults talk over issues from the relationship and try to resolve them, they dont just break up at the first argument and they work together to solve the problems, not manipulate each other to trick them into wanting the other back and 3) we can talk face to face and get out our issues because it is a lot harder over texting or im.
SoThatHappened Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 She is having a pregnancy test? This I am worried about... ??? I was fighting my way through that story and then you just dropped a bomb on us! edit: question answered
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 You cancel the meeting. No good will come of rehashing your old relationship especially since it ended because she cheated. If you need to meet to exchange stuff, pay bills or otherwise settle up between you, fine but make it public & quick. Only talk about the "business" at hand not the emotional stuff. What you are hoping for is for her to say that she was wrong for being unfaithful, that she's sorry & she wants you back. Probably not going to happen & even if it does, how can you trust her?
SoThatHappened Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 d0nnivain, I don't think you read his last post. She may be prego
lauri Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I missed that as well. However, it may be a ploy she is using to rope him in and get him to talk to her. My ex did something similar, by saying she was "sexually harassed" after I walked away from her when she broke up with my in a park. Eitherway, to be safe, bring the pregnancy test with you in person and tell her to do it in the bathroom. After her results come out, make a decision. If it comes out negative, wish her all the best and walk away. If it comes out positive, then hopefully you two can figure out the best solution to all of your issues.
Author cottom Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 Okay i dont think people read through my whole post... The girl that cheated i was with for 2 years is out the picture. I got a different girl and we rushed into a relationship about 2 weeks after. Fast forward a month and a half later and ive moved away, stressed out from living far away on my own and new job role etc i became needy and clingy and that made her distant because she wants a young living life relationship where we go out clubbing and party and have fun etc. Not a mr nice guy will sit and listen to her and care for her etc. I had a particularly stressful week lashed out and she responded with im too old for her, i want to settle and she doesnt. This was all over text because last time i saw her we were fine after a weekend break in scotland. This girl hasnt cheated, when were together were fine but we rushed and with me being stressed i became needy and scared her off a little. We are meeting tomorrow when i am back in town over a meal to talk, this is what i wanted to know...how do i approach this?
Author cottom Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 Further to above, the clingy nice guy thing isnt me, i became that from moving away new job stress, having a day a week to see her and i just let all my emotion out there and then. Obviously that isnt me, im the guy thay had all his mates and went and hung and chilled and she liked that me but ive being going through family, legal and career problems over the last few weeks and it all came down on me.
SoThatHappened Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 ...how do i approach this? Like a mature adult. You can leave everything on the table, tell her that if we can't be together then we can't be friends or in contact until we've both moved on and there are no feelings anymore. And yes, I read through your whole post. The breakup wouldn't be the first thing on my mind if there was a possibility she's pregnant! Cottom, that's kind of a big deal, a distant second to how you should approach "the talk." Figure out if she's pregnant or not first. If my girlfriend was a month late at your age I'd be $h!tt!ing my pants.
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Let me try this again. Your rebound girl is the one you are meeting. You are in somewhat of an LDR because you are 200 miles apart. You & the rebound girl liked to have fun together, go clubbing etc. Once you moved, it became harder to have that kind of fun together & you resented that she was going out without you. She then decided that you want a commitment while she still wants to have fun & party; ironically that is what you want too. She may also be pregnant. Fine. If that is the case, you are right. You can't discuss the pregnancy over text message so a meeting is on order. Before you go figure out what you want other than for her not to be pregnant & this to be a false alarm. Do you want to hook up when it's convenient? Do you want to be friends? Do you want an LDR & if so what are you expectations concerning each of your ability to go out to clubs without the other one? You have to have an agenda of sorts before you meet otherwise, what is the point? You also have to determine if she is pregnant; if it's yours and how that changes everything.
Author cottom Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 Regarding the pregnacy, she would have the abortion she doesnt want to be tied down this early with a kid and i have just started a career i dont need that responsibility. Regarding what we both want, i am happy with her going out without me, she is happy me going out without her. Shes not the kind of girl who will want to see me 24/7, she has her own life etc, it was just my fit i threw this week where i got stressed and told her im not happy i want her to text me everyday and show affection and want to spend time with me over everyone else. I guess cause i bounced straight into this from a relationship that was like that. She then said she wasnt happy and she feels im to old for her, i want to settle and she wants to go out every week etc. Which is what i want, im 22 i want to do stuff like spring break in Mexico, travel, go party, be young. Its just we rushed into the relationship so fast, she said she doesnt even know if she wants a bf. I was already stressed enough and told her im not sitting around waiting for her to make a decision i want it now, she was put on the spot and i basically said end it now and dont see me again. She said we can talk on thursday when im home to which i said no weve decided already. Tomorrow were going to talk though, well we will go have the test first as thats most important right now, but following that i was planning to go in, hear what she has to say, not apologise and beg but explain how my current circumstances have changed me into something im not. I like her. tell her we should play it out like a normal couple would, learn from the problems and move on and i now know what she wants so i can be better at what i do.
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