AriesGirl803 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I'm gonna try to give you guys the condensed version. (me 24, him 32)I've gone on 5/6 dates with this guy over the period of a little bit over a month. We met off Tinder, clicked immediately on the first date, and ended up having sex after the second. I think that's part of my downfall, it led me to be attached more than I should. Anyway, this guy isn't the greatest communicator--he keeps in touch on a daily basis but a lot of time plans are in the air and what not. Granted, his work schedule is very unpredictable. We've had a couple talks about this and he says he is looking for a relationship but wants to take things slowly and get to know each other first. He was still on Tinder, and I deleted mine after 3/4 dates mainly because I kept looking to see how active he was on there. Which was obsessive and silly so I just deleted it. He told me that I was the only girl he fully connected with off of there and that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. To make a long story short, I accused him of going out of town to hook up with someone he'd met off of there before. It really looked that way to me but apparently I had jumped to conclusions. We got into a big back and forth text argument/talk over it. He was pretty outraged understandably. And I do believe him and now I feel like I just look bat**** crazy. This went down last night, he said he's willing to talk about it though but I can't tell if he will change his mind or not (I don't blame him for it if he decides not to). Basically I'm feeling like I ruined something that could be a really good thing. Obviously if he doesn't want to talk I have to accept it and move on. But I'm not sure what to say if he does want to talk either.. I do have some issues from past situations that went badly and I stuck around too long. I can be insecure and take some things personally to the point where I feel like I can't be enough for someone.... obviously I have some baggage. Any thoughts or ideas? Really I needed to vent. I really really don't want to lose this guy but I'm scared it's too late and even if it does work out how will I not look like I'm psychotic?
Author AriesGirl803 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 To add: last night I apologized profusely and offered to give him space. He said he didn't want space and we should talk soon and I shouldn't feel bad about it. But this morning I was trying to figure out a time to talk (he had mentioned today or tomorrow last night but I fell asleep) and he doesn't seem like he wants to anymore.. I don't want to keep bothering him if he's changed his mind.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Keep calm, and allow him to settle his thoughts. You have gone through the terrible and most difficult time with him. All you have to understand is the talk you have will be a turning point between you both. Don't promise anything, and don't let anything be left to expectations. When you have your talk explain that you understand how he feels and cannot undo what has been done. Let him know your faults, and issues that you need help with. Trust him to understand you, even when you may not find much to understand. The key is trusting him with accepting who you are, whether or not you feel he may not be willing to accept you. You are not that far away from removing trust issues, so don't feel you are a lost cause. With every wee issue you are able to tackle, the rest of the issues will become like zipper being undone. If you do shy him away, don't take it harshly. As he too may have issues that need worked on as well. Perhaps he will be so kind in opening up more to you as well. Hope the best for you!
mammasita Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 First of all Tinder is notoriously a hook up site. You might have luck finding something of substance but chances are the same as spelling your name in a bowl of alphabet soup. Secondly you slept with him without knowing his intentions OR knowing him. I don't even know what you want based on your post. You're on tinder - do you want hook ups? Are you looking for a relationship? 1
SycamoreCircle Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Just back off. That's all you can do at this point. You made a mistake. You know it. He knows it. He has to decide if it's worth it, if this sort of thing is worth the trouble. I know how it feels. Just because we know we have baggage doesn't make it go away. If this does end, consider dating yourself for a while. Get to know yourself a little deeper. 24 can be a tough age. A lot of change happening. The brain is still developing. Go easy on yourself. Trust selflessness. Use that as a guide. Helping people. Being kind to people. Try to let go of desire. Hope this helps.
Author AriesGirl803 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 I got on with the intention of just having fun, but deep down I know I'm not really capable of that. I do want a relationship at the end of the day.
CarrieT Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I got on with the intention of just having fun, but deep down I know I'm not really capable of that. I do want a relationship at the end of the day. Then get off Tinder and stop meeting guys this way. 98% of the people on Tinder are not relationship-minded, they are there for the hook-up. Can't tell you how many threads are started like this by people who go onto to Tinder "just to have fun" and end up getting hurt like you have been hurt. The best thing you can do is stop this sort of destructive behavior. Keep to places (including social media outlets) where you will meet like-minded people. The guys you meet on Tinder will more than likely say one thing (i.e., I want a relationship) but act out another by their continued use of the APP that gives them access to easy sex. 2
HereNorThere Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 He'll probably keep you around to sleep with, but since he already knows you're crazy, I doubt you'll go into the relationship pile. You've already thrown up an abundance of red flags, sorry. Learn from this and do better next time.
TouchedByViolet Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Sounds like he just wants sex from you anyways.
Ducky71 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 He says 'he wants to take things slowly', but slept with you on date #2? Red flag right there. If you want to pursue a relationship with him, be patient and let him come to you. Nobody likes to be accused of something, even if they are guilty. If it wasn't meant to be, then at least you can learn from this. Sorry you're going through this...
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I honestly don't know what to say about this situation. 1) it is possible to find something real on Tinder, but anything is possible 2) you definitely acted kinda crazy...which gives red flags for you especially since y'all aren't even in a relationship. Call it a loss and bow out.
preraph Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I know it goes against nature not not want to lock down someone right away, but you have to learn some restraint because he is still single and dating until he says he isn't. It's okay for someone to date around as long as they aren't lying to you telling you it's only you but then going behind your back. And the other thing is there is no winning an argument after making an accusation you can't prove. He could be truthful it never happened; or he could be choosing to lie knowing you can't prove anything. Anyway, it's too soon for this much drama. Be glad he's willing to talk. I think your best bet is to just say it's just natural for you to focus on one person at a time and it's hard to understand why everyone isn't like that. If he doesn't encourage you by saying he's focusing only on you, you should accept that but let him know that that's fine and, not that you're looking, but if something arises, then you will not turn down dating others either and say you're glad you've cleared the air and established some ground rules. And it's really too early for commitment. But with OLD, take heart that so few of those communications even become real dates and so few of those dates work out. Don't feel overly threatened.
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