Need About A New Relationship!

October 15, 2014

Well. I've been a bit confused with my feelings lately. (Who isn't half the time in a new relationship?)

I've been seeing this guy, officially dating for about a month, but actually talking for about 5 months, but we knew each other and talked on and off prior, for about a year.

He's 10 years older than I, I'm 19 and he's 29. Yes, a very awkward age gap, due to the lack of experience and relationships on my part. BUT, I can honestly say, that despite that factor, we both have a very laidback approach to life, and we have the same personality traits.

What kills me though is, I'm a very affectionate and cuddly person. Growing up, I suffered from having no fatherly figure, and the one I did for a while was abusive . My mother is not an emotional person either, so oddly, I ended up craving that sort of affection and love in a relationship. My boyfriend prior to this one, was very clingy and loved to express his feelings. (Funny how when that happened, I rejected him for it. It was too much emotion! )

My current boyfriend, ever since talking, we both liked to emphasize that communication and building that solid "base" was important if we chose to pursue a relationship. He did not want to build up our connection with false sex and honeymoon bs. Which I totally agreed, I wanted us to really know each other, so when we did date, it was more meaningful. Mind you, I'm also a virgin, and we had fooled around a couple times.

When we first started talking about 5 months ago, it was awful. He was the type of guy who hadn't been in a relationship in 2 years. And it was an abusive and very long relationship. His ex and him had moved to San Diego (across the country compared to where he lived before), and stayed there, they essentially had been like a married couple. When things went south, it really broke him up, even though he knew they weren't right for each other.(The main reason is the fact that he had let himself get so attached, he virtually was left with no friends. Everything was shared between them.) For 2 years, he sort of played the field. He was not interested in getting overly attached, and had a lot of flings. He would go through phases of thinking he found the best girl, but after a few weeks, he would panic, get mixed feelings, and then break it off.

When we started talking, he had made it obvious that he was sort of unsure about feelings, and he had a hard time expressing affection. After a couple weeks, he actually had pushed me aside, (I had felt like just another girl he had lined up), he claimed he didn't like me anymore. Following a couple weeks after, of silence and no text, he had gone on vacation, and actually contacted me before he got back; Saying he had missed me, and couldn't get me out of his head. That's how he knew I was different from other girls. (He found it so easy to drop the other girls, he had fully convinced himself they weren't good for him, and being single was the right choice.)

During this time span, I didn't really know what to think. I had spent the past few weeks dulling my sense, and really pushing him from my thoughts. I'd been hurt because of my last relationship, so shutting out emotions was getting easier for me.

Long story short, when we did talk again, things escalated. And we did fight a lot. He loves to remind me that at my age, I literally know nothing, compared to what he has experienced. And I get it, I'm young, and I haven't experienced nearly as much. But he constantly would throw it back in my face, it's like, you decided to talk to me, and YOU want me, so get over it already. Well our last fight, resulted in him refusing to put a label on us.

It sort of happened on accident, us dating, he said that we already practically were a couple, so it was stupid for him to not want to label what was already there.

Well, now that we are dating I'm having mixed emotions. We have a very sexy love life, we have not had sex, but we definitely are active in other ways. It feels so good to be around him, and cuddle. BUT, he likes to be alone a lot. He won't text me for a while in the morning, and go out and do things himself. He gets very moody if I bug him, because that's his "alone" time. We see each other often during the week 5 out of 7 days, and 2 days a week I spend the night at his apartment. But we aren't overly physical with each other. When we see each other, I expect him to hug me, or say he misses me, but he doesn't get overly indulgent like that. So I find myself becoming less affectionate myself. I am the type that will randomly hug and kiss my boyfriend, because it feels good. When I do it to him, he seems almost like it's uncomfortable for him. (He is going to therapy by the way, he has had this affection issue for a while.) The problem is though, I don't know what's wrong with me. Now around him, I keep getting in moods, and I'm distant. I know I like him, but I feel like I've missed out on that honeymoon phase. And because he always tells me my emotional side is due to my age, I definitely have stopped with the lovey-ness. I just don't know how to regain myself though.

My Questions are:

Is it unhealthy for a relationship at the beginning to not have a affectionate /physical phase? Due to this emotional peek a factor in forming a crucial attachment to the person, in order to sustain a relationship?

Is it just my age, the reason I want him to be more cuddly and hands on? or is it just a personality thing? (I don't even know, due to him always flagging my age.)

Should I pursue the relationship further? It just feels like we haven't reached that peek yet. It is soon, but the lack of overly liking him isn't present, and I think it is because of the lack of physical affection.

He is going to therapy, and trying to resolve these issues. But , he also believes my overly affectionate side isn't healthy, and that the space, and loner time is healthy. And yes to some degree, but he always wishes to be alone a lot, and when we are together too much, he gets cranky. It doesn't mean he doesn't like me, we both just don't really know what a good relationship should be.

Is if right for me to be demanding with wanting physical affection. He's gotten much better, he holds my hand a lot, and he will kiss me. But little small gestures are just not his thing, and somehow, it just really affects me. It's almost like I've toned down myself, and how I am, to suit what he likes.

Also-Addressing Sex. We have discussed the idea, but he's very afraid to take that away from me. It's also very annoying, because often after we do something, he gets me off, and then he won't go near me. One day , he blew up, because he was so sexually frustrated.

Sorry for this being so long! I just joined this forum, and haven't talked about my problems in detail with much of anyone. Thank you to anyone who could read all through this

Edited October 15, 2014 by Jennavee12

October 15, 2014

Your boyfriend is emotionally unavailable and very condescending to you because of your age. He does not see you as his equal. If he wants to throw his age up in your face all the time he should just date a woman his age.

The beginning of a relationship is usually the most exciting part. Couples want to touch each other a lot. Your honeymoon phase is practically nonexistent and really is just bad. It is unlikely that something wonderful will be transformed from this. He will never truly respect you.

October 15, 2014

Your boyfriend is emotionally unavailable and very condescending to you because of your age. He does not see you as his equal. If he wants to throw his age up in your face all the time he should just date a woman his age.

The beginning of a relationship is usually the most exciting part. Couples want to touch each other a lot. Your honeymoon phase is practically nonexistent and really is just bad. It is unlikely that something wonderful will be transformed from this. He will never truly respect you.

See, I'm not sure if it is a lack of respect. I think he does respect me, but all his life he has had people who think he is incapable of things. And now he's in a relationship where he holds the upper hand. I don't know how to tell him how I feel about this. All his relationships, he was the submissive one. Now he is dominant, and he abuses it.

He says that a lot of women his age already have their life together. They're either married , or have kids. He has said before, He doesn't want to feel like they're better than him.

I've tried to tell him that the beginning is the most important. You need to build a base, but also solidify an emotional connection. We do not have sex, but I think physical touch, kissing, holding hands, caressing in just affectionate ways are crucial to having a good bond in a relationship. He bases his opinions off his parent's marriage. His father was never overly affectionate with his mother. And he just says he's his dad, but I don't think that's a good excuse. Do you think this is right?

He also believes that a mature relationship should have less of all that physical small gestures. He thinks that periodically seeing each other , versus all the time, is a sign of a healthy and rounded relationship. I just think that's rubbish, a relationship at the beginning needs to be sickly emphasized, and maturity and age have nothing to do with it. Just because I'm 19, does not mean my views on this type of relationship are strictly correlated with just my age group.

Also, thank you for replying

Edited October 15, 2014 by Jennavee12

October 15, 2014

Well. I've been a bit confused with my feelings lately. (Who isn't half the time in a new relationship?)

I've been seeing this guy, officially dating for about a month, but actually talking for about 5 months, but we knew each other and talked on and off prior, for about a year.

He's 10 years older than I, I'm 19 and he's 29. Yes, a very awkward age gap, due to the lack of experience and relationships on my part. BUT, I can honestly say, that despite that factor, we both have a very laidback approach to life, and we have the same personality traits.

What kills me though is, I'm a very affectionate and cuddly person. Growing up, I suffered from having no fatherly figure, and the one I did for a while was abusive . My mother is not an emotional person either, so oddly, I ended up craving that sort of affection and love in a relationship. My boyfriend prior to this one, was very clingy and loved to express his feelings. (Funny how when that happened, I rejected him for it. It was too much emotion! )

My current boyfriend, ever since talking, we both liked to emphasize that communication and building that solid "base" was important if we chose to pursue a relationship. He did not want to build up our connection with false sex and honeymoon bs. Which I totally agreed, I wanted us to really know each other, so when we did date, it was more meaningful. Mind you, I'm also a virgin, and we had fooled around a couple times.

When we first started talking about 5 months ago, it was awful. He was the type of guy who hadn't been in a relationship in 2 years. And it was an abusive and very long relationship. His ex and him had moved to San Diego (across the country compared to where he lived before), and stayed there, they essentially had been like a married couple. When things went south, it really broke him up, even though he knew they weren't right for each other.(The main reason is the fact that he had let himself get so attached, he virtually was left with no friends. Everything was shared between them.) For 2 years, he sort of played the field. He was not interested in getting overly attached, and had a lot of flings. He would go through phases of thinking he found the best girl, but after a few weeks, he would panic, get mixed feelings, and then break it off.

When we started talking, he had made it obvious that he was sort of unsure about feelings, and he had a hard time expressing affection. After a couple weeks, he actually had pushed me aside, (I had felt like just another girl he had lined up), he claimed he didn't like me anymore. Following a couple weeks after, of silence and no text, he had gone on vacation, and actually contacted me before he got back; Saying he had missed me, and couldn't get me out of his head. That's how he knew I was different from other girls. (He found it so easy to drop the other girls, he had fully convinced himself they weren't good for him, and being single was the right choice.)

During this time span, I didn't really know what to think. I had spent the past few weeks dulling my sense, and really pushing him from my thoughts. I'd been hurt because of my last relationship, so shutting out emotions was getting easier for me.

Long story short, when we did talk again, things escalated. And we did fight a lot. He loves to remind me that at my age, I literally know nothing, compared to what he has experienced. And I get it, I'm young, and I haven't experienced nearly as much. But he constantly would throw it back in my face, it's like, you decided to talk to me, and YOU want me, so get over it already. Well our last fight, resulted in him refusing to put a label on us.

It sort of happened on accident, us dating, he said that we already practically were a couple, so it was stupid for him to not want to label what was already there.

Well, now that we are dating I'm having mixed emotions. We have a very sexy love life, we have not had sex, but we definitely are active in other ways. It feels so good to be around him, and cuddle. BUT, he likes to be alone a lot. He won't text me for a while in the morning, and go out and do things himself. He gets very moody if I bug him, because that's his "alone" time. We see each other often during the week 5 out of 7 days, and 2 days a week I spend the night at his apartment. But we aren't overly physical with each other. When we see each other, I expect him to hug me, or say he misses me, but he doesn't get overly indulgent like that. So I find myself becoming less affectionate myself. I am the type that will randomly hug and kiss my boyfriend, because it feels good. When I do it to him, he seems almost like it's uncomfortable for him. (He is going to therapy by the way, he has had this affection issue for a while.) The problem is though, I don't know what's wrong with me. Now around him, I keep getting in moods, and I'm distant. I know I like him, but I feel like I've missed out on that honeymoon phase. And because he always tells me my emotional side is due to my age, I definitely have stopped with the lovey-ness. I just don't know how to regain myself though.

My Questions are:
Is it unhealthy for a relationship at the beginning to not have a affectionate /physical phase? Due to this emotional peek a factor in forming a crucial attachment to the person, in order to sustain a relationship?

Is it just my age, the reason I want him to be more cuddly and hands on? or is it just a personality thing? (I don't even know, due to him always flagging my age.)

Should I pursue the relationship further? It just feels like we haven't reached that peek yet. It is soon, but the lack of overly liking him isn't present, and I think it is because of the lack of physical affection.
He is going to therapy, and trying to resolve these issues. But , he also believes my overly affectionate side isn't healthy, and that the space, and loner time is healthy. And yes to some degree, but he always wishes to be alone a lot, and when we are together too much, he gets cranky. It doesn't mean he doesn't like me, we both just don't really know what a good relationship should be.

Is if right for me to be demanding with wanting physical affection. He's gotten much better, he holds my hand a lot, and he will kiss me. But little small gestures are just not his thing, and somehow, it just really affects me. It's almost like I've toned down myself, and how I am, to suit what he likes.

Also-Addressing Sex. We have discussed the idea, but he's very afraid to take that away from me. It's also very annoying, because often after we do something, he gets me off, and then he won't go near me. One day , he blew up, because he was so sexually frustrated.

Sorry for this being so long! I just joined this forum, and haven't talked about my problems in detail with much of anyone. Thank you to anyone who could read all through this

When you say physical, do you mean sex and sex only?

October 15, 2014

Have you read the five love languages? From what you have said I would guess that your love languages are physical touch and quality time. I'm not sure what his is, but I'd say he is not meeting those love languages very well for you, and in fact he probably doesn't value them as much as you do. This could lead to a better unfulfilled relationship for you unless he learns to meet your love language needs.

October 16, 2014

When you say physical, do you mean sex and sex only?

No, when I say physical, I mean more like cuddling, holding hands, that sort of affection. It feels really fulfilling to touch the one I'm with, and be intimate like that. Obviously not all the time, but he doesn't really like that, he isn't that physical like that. It makes him actually uncomfortable if I'm too "lovey."

October 16, 2014

Have you read the five love languages? From what you have said I would guess that your love languages are physical touch and quality time. I'm not sure what his is, but I'd say he is not meeting those love languages very well for you, and in fact he probably doesn't value them as much as you do. This could lead to a better unfulfilled relationship for you unless he learns to meet your love language needs.

I have not! That actually sounds really interesting, time to google that real quick. And the way you are describing it, it makes a lot of sense , in the matters of our differences when it comes to love and relationships. It's just hard, because there is no right and wrong standards, and I'm not sure if my way of what I like is too demanding or unhealthy. He just grew up with a father who was like that, he wasn't overly affectionate, and he blames his unaffectionate side on that. But I told him he has to define himself, and be his own person, and he can't just use his traits he may have picked up from his father as an excuse to why he's so bad with connecting in relationships.

Sign In

Need About A New Relationship!

Recommended Posts

Jennavee12

Jules Dash

Jennavee12

CoolCat771

MadJackBird

Jennavee12

Jennavee12

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...