Here I am... Again.

[Ajax]

Hey guys. I'm still working on moving forward here and I think the next challenge I have to overcome is letting go. I've started to accept that things are over, but I've had trouble letting go of a lot of the feelings, which I know won't happen overnight.

 

I've been harboring resentment and bitterness both during the relationship and in the wake of the breakup. I've recognized and owned up to my part in how things went. I've committed myself to improving for the future, and part of that is being able to forgive her for her part.

 

But there's a disconnect in my mind. I know that I need to forgive and let things go, but it's hard when it seems she doesn't believe she'd done anything wrong. There were no major betrayals. Nobody cheated. She didn't leave me for someone else. So it would seem that forgiveness should be easy, but it's not.

 

I've identified some things I need to forgive her for:

 

1) Not being with me/giving up

2) Trying to direct my career and life

3) Not appreciating the things I sacrificed for the relationship

4) Not accepting that differences in beliefs, ideas, and personalities are okay to an extent

5) Not forgiving me

 

And maybe these aren't even things she should regret. But they're things I feel slighted by, and so I need to let them go. I'm not sure how long it will take though.

[BC1980]

Forgiveness means that you let it go. It doesn't mean that you agree with what she did. It doesn't mean you absolve her from what she did. It simply means you say that the debt can't be repaid, so you have to let the debt go. It's really only for you and has nothing to do with her. It's not like forgiving a debt with a monetary transaction that is objective. Breakups are always subjective, and each party feels differently.

 

I struggled with forgiveness for a long time and wasn't even open to it for at least a year. But I knew I had to move on, and I was only hurting myself by holding onto what he did. I truly felt there was no way I would ever be able to forgive my ex for numerous things, but I ran across an article that explained it the way I did above. I felt I could stomach doing that day by day. I'm still not perfect, but you have to choose to let go on a daily basis.

[broken77]

But so did she. She failed to accept certain aspects of me that many people would actually consider strengths. She failed to see that differences in perspectives aren't automatically wrong. She failed to see the work I actually did to make our life better.

 

We both failed at certain things in the relationship, but I don't think it was fatally wounded. But I also know that I'm a much more reflective person than she is, and she may not pay it a second thought.

[Ajax]

I just got a message from the ex via Facebook chat.

 

"Hello. How are you."

 

So that's what I've been reduced to. A meaningless Facebook text not even worthy of correct punctuation. She has my phone number, email, and address. I'd be more than happy to have a meaningful conversation if she wants it. But this is the quintessential breadcrumb, and it's not fair.

 

She knows I read it, so if I don't respond I'll look upset (I am) and immature. If I do reply I play into whatever game she's playing.

 

And no, I'm not blocking her. I'm going to vent and then suck it up

[Graceful]

I just got a message from the ex via Facebook chat.

 

"Hello. How are you."

 

So that's what I've been reduced to. A meaningless Facebook text not even worthy of correct punctuation. She has my phone number, email, and address. I'd be more than happy to have a meaningful conversation if she wants it. But this is the quintessential breadcrumb, and it's not fair.

 

She knows I read it, so if I don't respond I'll look upset (I am) and immature. If I do reply I play into whatever game she's playing.

 

And no, I'm not blocking her. I'm going to vent and then suck it up

 

Hi Ajax. ! Remember me?! I forgot my PW it's been so long since I logged in, it took me 4 tries before I tried one of my tried and true PW choices, and like magic, I was welcomed back to LS.

 

I was scanning the usernames on the BU forum and when I saw your name and the header, I knew I had to log on and lend my support. Wish I had been here when you were struggling to decide re: taking the job of an aide following the achievement of your MEd, b/c I would have practically jumped into the computer screen to shake some sense into you, not to have done that. What's done is done, but let me assure you, if you had a GF, let alone a fiancé, who would "support" you for taking a job that is beneath you, when you are trying to get your career off the ground, this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I know you were probably stuck with no better option, but it's just that your GF sounds absolutely clueless as to how this can wear on a person emotionally. I'm not saying that you should deny that you also had additional issues that played into your breakup, but I just don't get a good feeling about the long-term, life-time commitment that would be needed to make a strong, lasting, loving r/l with her.

 

It sounds like it was just a downward spiral when you say that you withdrew and repressed feelings (and verbal expressions) b/c you could see that she was not the person who was going to take the time to listen and try to help and support you, the way someone would in a true, committed, long-term r/l. I have the impression that you "stuffed it" a lot of the time, and maybe she knew you were, too.

 

As for the FB chat message -- why do you care what she thinks? See, you should be way past caring. You think you'll look upset and immature if you don't respond? No, you'll basically be flipping her off, and ignoring her, and have ... nothing to say. It takes no thought or effort to do what she did, so why give any thought or effort back? If you ignore her, that is not immature, IMO. If anyone looks immature, it certainly is *not* you. Aside from that, it's not respectful of her to contact you, unless she wants to discuss reconciliation. Otherwise, it's just an empty, attention-seeking, selfish gesture, and you know it.

 

Hope this helps and I hope it brings a smile to your face to know that while I can't say that you didn't make some misguided steps yourself that ultimately led to the breakdown of communication between you, you're taking steps now to improve yourself, your life, and even your wardrobe; give yourself some credit for taking steps to go forward in a new, improved way. I say shave off the beard and buy some new clothes, you will be very pleased at how significant those changes *feel* - come back and let us know. And best of luck re: finding a new, more suitable job that will get you launched. I'll always be on your side. In friendship always, Grace

Edited November 26, 2014 by Graceful

[Ajax]

Hi Ajax. ! Remember me?! I forgot my PW it's been so long since I logged in, it took me 4 tries before I tried one of my tried and true PW choices, and like magic, I was welcomed back to LS.

 

I was scanning the usernames on the BU forum and when I saw your name and the header, I knew I had to log on and lend my support. Wish I had been here when you were struggling to decide re: taking the job of an aide following the achievement of your MEd, b/c I would have practically jumped into the computer screen to shake some sense into you, not to have done that. What's done is done, but let me assure you, if you had a GF, let alone a fiancé, who would "support" you for taking a job that is beneath you, when you are trying to get your career off the ground, this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I know you were probably stuck with no better option, but it's just that your GF sounds absolutely clueless as to how this can wear on a person emotionally. I'm not saying that you should deny that you also had additional issues that played into your breakup, but I just don't get a good feeling about the long-term, life-time commitment that would be needed to make a strong, lasting, loving r/l with her.

 

It sounds like it was just a downward spiral when you say that you withdrew and repressed feelings (and verbal expressions) b/c you could see that she was not the person who was going to take the time to listen and try to help and support you, the way someone would in a true, committed, long-term r/l. I have the impression that you "stuffed it" a lot of the time, and maybe she knew you were, too.

 

As for the FB chat message -- why do you care what she thinks? See, you should be way past caring. You think you'll look upset and immature if you don't respond? No, you'll basically be flipping her off, and ignoring her, and have ... nothing to say. It takes no thought or effort to do what she did, so why give any thought or effort back? If you ignore her, that is not immature, IMO. If anyone looks immature, it certainly is *not* you. Aside from that, it's not respectful of her to contact you, unless she wants to discuss reconciliation. Otherwise, it's just an empty, attention-seeking, selfish gesture, and you know it.

 

Hope this helps and I hope it brings a smile to your face to know that while I can't say that you didn't make some misguided steps yourself that ultimately led to the breakdown of communication between you, you're taking steps now to improve yourself, your life, and even your wardrobe; give yourself some credit for taking steps to go forward in a new, improved way. I say shave off the beard and buy some new clothes, you will be very pleased at how significant those changes *feel* - come back and let us know. And best of luck re: finding a new, more suitable job that will get you launched. I'll always be on your side. In friendship always, Grace

 

Ah Grace, you always have a way of putting things in perspective. I should print this and put it on my wall to read when I'm having off moments. I'm glad to see you back

[Ajax]

I'm having a down night in which my heart very much wants to reach out to my ex. I won't do it, but not talking to her is certainly hurting me.

 

My imagination isn't helping. I can't help but hope to get some sort of meaningful communication from her saying she knows she made mistakes too and that she wants to work things out. But I know that's just a fantasy that's never going to be reality. I know that she really doesn't think she's made any mistakes. She has a hard time seeing any perspective other than her own, yet prides herself on being a "very reasonable" person.

 

So I'm trying to remind myself of the things that bothered me. But attachments like this aren't so easily broken. I guess tonight is one of those nights I'll have to sit with the pain. Part of the healing process, or so I'm told.

 

Help me be strong guys, because tonight all I want is to hear her voice... it's getting sad.

Edited December 3, 2014 by Ajax

[Zahara]

I'm sorry you are in pain. Just know that these feelings will pass. Yes, not speaking to her is causing you pain but talking to her is going to give you very little form of relief because at the end of the day, the reality remains the same. And that by far is a much more painful thing to face once the high wears off.

 

Can you call a friend? Talk to your mom. Go out and watch a movie. Maybe make yourself a hearty dinner and put in a cheery comedy. Remind yourself of all the blessings you have in your life. Yes, sitting with the pain is part of the process but you can help lessen it by being gentle on yourself and finding comfort in things that may help carry you past this bad wave.

Edited December 3, 2014 by Zahara

[BC1980]

I'm having a down night in which my heart very much wants to reach out to my ex. I won't do it, but not talking to her is certainly hurting me.

 

My imagination isn't helping. I can't help but hope to get some sort of meaningful communication from her saying she knows she made mistakes too and that she wants to work things out. But I know that's just a fantasy that's never going to be reality. I know that she really doesn't think she's made any mistakes. She has a hard time seeing any perspective other than her own, yet prides herself on being a "very reasonable" person.

 

So I'm trying to remind myself of the things that bothered me. But attachments like this aren't so easily broken. I guess tonight is one of those nights I'll have to sit with the pain. Part of the healing process, or so I'm told.

 

Help me be strong guys, because tonight all I want is to hear her voice... it's getting sad.

 

The pain will pass. It may not be tomorrow, next week, or next month, but it will lessen with time. This time last year, I honestly did not think the pain would lessen at all. I truly wondered how I could go on living in that much pain, but, sitting here now, I'm pretty content with my life. I'm actually happy, which was not true even this past summer. It's amazing how resilient we are. People go on after facing incredible losses, and that fact always gave me hope.

 

The only way to get to the other side is to go through the pain. I wish it were easier, but it's not. At times, I was physically sick from the pain last year. I had anxiety at silly things, and I didn't sleep. But I never contacted my ex, and that made all the difference in the world. Do something good for yourself right now, and know you will get through this in time. Talking to friends and family was such good medicine for me.

[Ajax]

Thanks for the moral support, BC1980 and Zahara. I tried to reach out to some friends and family last night, but it seemed they were all busy with their own things. I think the combination of missing her and the increasingly dark and cold days is bringing me down. Getting out of bed today was a chore.

 

I think part of what brought me down last night is the realization that after this much time apart, she must really believe her life is better without me. After all the good times and things I did to try to make her life better, they add up to nothing in her eyes.

 

Like I've said before, I'm trying to forgive and let go. I'm not there yet though. I also just feel alone. I see my friends and family moving forward in their lives and I feel like I'm going nowhere. Before I had someone to come home to, cook dinner for, and fall asleep with. Now my appetite is shot, I eat on the run when I do eat. I Don't even have a place of my own anymore. I don't have someone special to share my feelings, thoughts, and dreams with.

 

Intellectually and from past experience I know it takes time and that these feelings won't last forever. But I'm in the fog now and can't see my way out of it. It hurts missing the woman that I still love and not having a clear path towards the life I want.

[Graceful]

Thanks for the moral support, BC1980 and Zahara. I tried to reach out to some friends and family last night, but it seemed they were all busy with their own things. I think the combination of missing her and the increasingly dark and cold days is bringing me down. Getting out of bed today was a chore.

 

I think part of what brought me down last night is the realization that after this much time apart, she must really believe her life is better without me. After all the good times and things I did to try to make her life better, they add up to nothing in her eyes.

 

Like I've said before, I'm trying to forgive and let go. I'm not there yet though. I also just feel alone. I see my friends and family moving forward in their lives and I feel like I'm going nowhere. Before I had someone to come home to, cook dinner for, and fall asleep with. Now my appetite is shot, I eat on the run when I do eat. I Don't even have a place of my own anymore. I don't have someone special to share my feelings, thoughts, and dreams with.

 

Intellectually and from past experience I know it takes time and that these feelings won't last forever. But I'm in the fog now and can't see my way out of it. It hurts missing the woman that I still love and not having a clear path towards the life I want.

 

 

Ajax,

It does seem that at least posting here is a way to express how you feel, because I do agree that at some point, even if people here don't think it's been a long time (I don't), there is a tendency for friends, even good friends, to think you're probably healing in your own quiet way, and there isn't much to talk about as it pertains to your ex or your breakup. They think you'll wait until you're ready to start dating again, and assume you'll find someone new ... and they are right, but that's hardly the point.

 

 

In general, it's good to acknowledge that the pain and torment isn't just from missing a person or the breakup itself, but that the entire 'big picture' is blown to bits. It's unsettling to know what you want (and you seem to know), think you've found it, and have it all implode; now you still know what you want, but have to go out searching for the right person.

 

 

I know they are seemingly small, insignificant and somewhat superficial things, but I would follow up on your idea of getting some new clothes, possibly shaving your beard, and at least, start your new lease on life in those simple ways. No miracle will occur, but at least you'll have done something "operational" and tangible, and that's a start. Also, if you used to cook dinner when you lived with your ex, why don't you cook dinner for yourself? You're not worth the trouble? (Hint: you are).

[Ajax]

Ajax,

It does seem that at least posting here is a way to express how you feel, because I do agree that at some point, even if people here don't think it's been a long time (I don't), there is a tendency for friends, even good friends, to think you're probably healing in your own quiet way, and there isn't much to talk about as it pertains to your ex or your breakup. They think you'll wait until you're ready to start dating again, and assume you'll find someone new ... and they are right, but that's hardly the point.

 

 

In general, it's good to acknowledge that the pain and torment isn't just from missing a person or the breakup itself, but that the entire 'big picture' is blown to bits. It's unsettling to know what you want (and you seem to know), think you've found it, and have it all implode; now you still know what you want, but have to go out searching for the right person.

 

 

I know they are seemingly small, insignificant and somewhat superficial things, but I would follow up on your idea of getting some new clothes, possibly shaving your beard, and at least, start your new lease on life in those simple ways. No miracle will occur, but at least you'll have done something "operational" and tangible, and that's a start. Also, if you used to cook dinner when you lived with your ex, why don't you cook dinner for yourself? You're not worth the trouble? (Hint: you are).

 

I logged on tonight because I'm having another one of those nights again. I even broke down and bawled a little bit ago (what's that about?), which I hadn't done since the week of the breakup. I was going to come on here and, as you said, express how I feel again.

 

I hadn't realized you'd responded to my previous post, but after reading it I almost don't feel like I have to say anything more. in your usual insightful way, you seem to get what I'm going through and expressed it as well as I could have.

 

So thank you!

 

What I will add tonight is this:

 

When I first came to LoveShack four years ago I was reeling from the most painful breakup of the most important relationship I had experienced to date. Posting helped in my recovery, and as such I tried to pay it back and offer encouragement and wisdom to people going through what I had even after I was healed. Once I had healed, I thought I'd learned my lessons and I'd never find myself posting on these boards having had my heart broken again.

 

Four years later, I find myself back. Again reeling from what now is my most painful breakup from the most important relationship to date. Our relationship issues aside, she was still the one I saw myself having a family and growing old with. The good times outnumbered the bad. And regardless of our mutually poor communication skills, I never fell out of love with her.

 

Losing a relationship with someone you love never gets easier. Sure, you gain experience and can learn the self care techniques to cope and how to avoid pitfalls, but each time the heart breaks the pain is just as crushing as it ever was. You know to cut contact because you've done it before, but your heart still screams for it.

 

You can never say, "I won't hurt again," because you will. You can't say, "I'll never need more help," because you don't know that. And you can't say, "I've learned all the lessons," because you never know what new revelations you might discover.

 

I'm hurt again. I need help again. But at least I'm still learning.

[Cherrybreeze]

Ajax, I can relate to so many things you are saying. I'm earlier in the process - 3 weeks - but so much is familiar. I haven't done so well with NC, had a Facebook chat today (I was at work) that didn't end well. I'm just not ready to accept that he's not coming back. I know I have to face that, and the sooner the better, but I'm still in the "hopeful" stage. And it sucks.

 

You mentioned the underlying anxiety issues, and I'm in the same place with depression. I've had it for years and this has SO amplified it. Suicidal ideation (but no plan...I couldn't do that to my nieces, nephews, siblings, mom....so I will continue to suffer). I've reached out to them somewhat, but both my brother and sister have a "suck it up" mentality towards it, they don't realize it's chemical. It's not that easy.

 

At any rate...I could relate a lot to what you've posted in this thread. I feel for you.

[Ajax]

Ajax, I can relate to so many things you are saying. I'm earlier in the process - 3 weeks - but so much is familiar. I haven't done so well with NC, had a Facebook chat today (I was at work) that didn't end well. I'm just not ready to accept that he's not coming back. I know I have to face that, and the sooner the better, but I'm still in the "hopeful" stage. And it sucks.

 

You mentioned the underlying anxiety issues, and I'm in the same place with depression. I've had it for years and this has SO amplified it. Suicidal ideation (but no plan...I couldn't do that to my nieces, nephews, siblings, mom....so I will continue to suffer). I've reached out to them somewhat, but both my brother and sister have a "suck it up" mentality towards it, they don't realize it's chemical. It's not that easy.

 

At any rate...I could relate a lot to what you've posted in this thread. I feel for you.

 

Thanks for the response, CherryBreeze. It always helps me to know I'm not the only one who feels the way I do, and I hope it helps you too. I also hope you're getting some sort of treatment for your depression. Even if you'd never act on them, nobody should have to endure suicidal thoughts.

 

I've been in therapy for a month now. It's a process and I understand that. My therapist seems to be a good fit. I think if I'd have started months or years ago I might have saved myself some of the grief and trouble I'm having now. I'm also considering anti-depressants. Not as a means to medicate myself out of the pain of the breakup, I know that's something I have to work through, but as another tool in the toolbox.

 

You said you're still in the "hopeful stage." Well I certainly still have hopes and fantasies of getting back together and repairing my relationship too. That "hopeful stage" doesn't just disappear over the course of a few weeks or even months. And the pain isn't something you can just "suck up." It's true that at work and while out in the world you have to put on your brave face and fake it 'til you make it. But you shouldn't be guilted into bottling up your pain.

 

Keep posting here on LS. It's therapeutic and I'll keep an eye out for them.

 

I know they are seemingly small, insignificant and somewhat superficial things, but I would follow up on your idea of getting some new clothes, possibly shaving your beard, and at least, start your new lease on life in those simple ways. No miracle will occur, but at least you'll have done something "operational" and tangible, and that's a start. Also, if you used to cook dinner when you lived with your ex, why don't you cook dinner for yourself? You're not worth the trouble? (Hint: you are).

 

I'm going out with some friends tonight, and I think the beard's about to come off. Now this is a beard I grew four years ago right after the breakup that brought me to LoveShack. It became a part of my new look and identity then, and taking it off really is the end of an era. My most recent ex tried to get me to shave it a few times, I think out of curiosity. You mentioned in a previous post that not replying to her meaningless text was a way of flipping her off. Here's another bird for her, even if she doesn't know about it.

[Cherrybreeze]

Thanks, Ajax. I've looked into counseling and such, but I also need med management (AD's) and even just therapists are booking months out or cost 100 bucks a session. I got on a wait list, but I'm not sure what else to do yet.

 

I read here a fair amount but I'm a little afraid to post. Things weren't perfect in the relationship and I've gotten some harsh feedback. :/

[Itspointless]

You mentioned the underlying anxiety issues, and I'm in the same place with depression. I've had it for years and this has SO amplified it. Suicidal ideation (but no plan...I couldn't do that to my nieces, nephews, siblings, mom....so I will continue to suffer). I've reached out to them somewhat, but both my brother and sister have a "suck it up" mentality towards it, they don't realize it's chemical. It's not that easy.

 

At any rate...I could relate a lot to what you've posted in this thread. I feel for you.

Hi Cherrybreez, yes for a part is it chemical. Next to that it is just hard when you are anxious. Many people do not understand that the ruminating is at least ten times worse when you are anxious. The troubling part is that the ruminating does hold us back, but there has to be some kind of natural turning point within ourselves. For me that always takes many months to accomplish.

 

Try to enjoy the little things. A good meal, a beautiful sun, a smile on a face, etc.

[Itspointless]

Losing a relationship with someone you love never gets easier. Sure, you gain experience and can learn the self care techniques to cope and how to avoid pitfalls, but each time the heart breaks the pain is just as crushing as it ever was. You know to cut contact because you've done it before, but your heart still screams for it.

Some people say otherwise, but I agree with you. The pain is just as bad and sometimes worse. It is kind of humiliating to find yourself in that situation again knowing that it will take a very long time before you will feel somewhat OK again. It is great to know what we are capable to love. But to know that people just seem to have taken our love and openness (our most intimate inside) for granted and to be thrown away like it wasn't much, is one of the hardest and humiliating things we can encounter in life.

[Cherrybreeze]

Hi Cherrybreez, yes for a part is it chemical. Next to that it is just hard when you are anxious. Many people do not understand that the ruminating is at least ten times worse when you are anxious. The troubling part is that the ruminating does hold us back, but there has to be some kind of natural turning point within ourselves. For me that always takes many months to accomplish.

 

Try to enjoy the little things. A good meal, a beautiful sun, a smile on a face, etc.

 

I am doing worse now that I was before even. Maybe it's sinking in that we won't work it out this time (we've slowed things down, went through a break, etc, but to my surprise he came back....and from all his accounts, he doesn't do that). People tell me to just focus on something else (obviously not the same thing you're saying about the little things). They don't realize that I can't.

 

Thank you for understanding. Sorry to hog your thread here, Ajax. How are you doing tonight (well, here it's evening, anyway)?

[Itspointless]

People tell me to just focus on something else (obviously not the same thing you're saying about the little things). They don't realize that I can't.

Not yet And no, it is not as simple as that, I wish it was. Unfortunately we can't turn back time. Therefore the little things.

[Ajax]

I am doing worse now that I was before even. Maybe it's sinking in that we won't work it out this time (we've slowed things down, went through a break, etc, but to my surprise he came back....and from all his accounts, he doesn't do that). People tell me to just focus on something else (obviously not the same thing you're saying about the little things). They don't realize that I can't.

 

Thank you for understanding. Sorry to hog your thread here, Ajax. How are you doing tonight (well, here it's evening, anyway)?

 

I know how it is to feel worse as time goes on. You're right that it takes time to sink in. The longer we go without hearing something from them, the more we obsess over the idea that they believe they're better off without us. We think of the mistakes we made and wish we could go back and change things. And then we panic. And after we panic we're depressed. And the cycle continues.

 

At least that's how I'm feeling and thinking lately. And I know it's not a healthy or even accurate thought process. But if you know that it's unhealthy and you're aware of your thoughts, you can work on refocusing them. Doesn't happen overnight. Can't even say I'm very successful at it yet.

 

I shaved my beard and went out with friends last night. The beard I intend to regrow. I don't like how I look without it, but it was a change to be tried and I tried it. I didn't want to go out, but I forced myself to. I even told my friends I wasn't doing as well as I seemed. One of them had no clue I wasn't over my ex (it's only been 6 weeks after a year+ relationship), and she thought I should be by now. No help there. Her husband had more sympathy but thought that I needed to reach out to my ex to tell her how I feel again. A third friend told me that one of her friends who lives a few hours away was just dumped suddenly by her boyfriend and had no friends of her own where she lived. I'm thinking, "have her move here!" So last night was a mixed bag.

 

Anyway, that was more rambly than I intended.

[Itspointless]

I shaved my beard and went out with friends last night. The beard I intend to regrow. I don't like how I look without it, but it was a change to be tried and I tried it. I didn't want to go out, but I forced myself to. I even told my friends I wasn't doing as well as I seemed. One of them had no clue I wasn't over my ex (it's only been 6 weeks after a year+ relationship), and she thought I should be by now. No help there. Her husband had more sympathy but thought that I needed to reach out to my ex to tell her how I feel again. A third friend told me that one of her friends who lives a few hours away was just dumped suddenly by her boyfriend and had no friends of her own where she lived. I'm thinking, "have her move here!" So last night was a mixed bag.

Excellent example of how our brains often deal with emotions. A lot of people do not deal with them and the ones who do often have forgotten how awful some things actually could feel. Than you have the ones who help but get frustrated when they have the feeling their efforts did not magically solved your turmoil or when you have a different process than what they are familiar with. It is quit a profession to actually be a good listener, just being there.

[Ajax]

I haven't posted in a week. I've been trying to keep my mind occupied with other things as much as possible. That being said, I've had a few ups and a lot of downs. I think I'm still cycling through the stages of grief and it's rare that I find a moment where I'm at peace.

 

I'm back here tonight because I've long passed the point where anyone in my life wants to hear any more about how miserable I am, but I still need to vent.

 

Sometimes it helps to think of the negative things about the relationship, and there were certainly negatives. Like how I spent hours watching "The Bachelor," with her, numbing our minds, but when "The Roosevelt's" came on she told me it wasn't her thing and I could watch it upstairs by myself if I really wanted to see it.

 

Yeah. Thinking about that story makes me feel better, but only for a few minutes.

 

I think part of my "funk" has to do with what Graceful said in a previous post, "the big picture got blown to bits." I still need a better job, but I'm old enough that what I really want is to settle down and have a family. Starting over from scratch just seems overwhelming. Finding someone that I even connect with romantically only happens once in a blue moon for me. I usually go years between serious relationships. It feels like it's not going to happen for me.

 

So that's my Sunday night rant.

[Itspointless]

Finding someone that I even connect with romantically only happens once in a blue moon for me. I usually go years between serious relationships.

Same here.

[Ajax]

I was half expecting (hoping) to get a text last night from my ex for New Years. I sure did. But rather than New Years well wishes it was this:

 

"Hi Ajax. How are you? I was organizing my snowboard stuff and have some of your ski gear that I want to get back to you. Also, saw the official (facebook official) announcement of your sister's baby. That's exciting."

 

I was with friends, but I'm pretty sure my face went white as a sheet and I just about dropped my phone.

 

I did respond and hour or so later after I'd composed myself with:

 

"Yeah it is, I'm looking forward to being Uncle Ajax. I actually got some new ski gear for Christmas, so I have everything I need, but thanks."

 

I know, I know, No Contact and all that... And yeah, I reacted. I'm still steamed about it because despite the congenial manner, it just feels so cold that after (what's it been, ten weeks?) she still just wants to be rid of my stuff. This from the woman who spent six months asking me to move in, and then six months later kicks me out.

 

And I think that's what steams me the most. She always held all the cards. It was her house so if things didn't work to her satisfaction she could always send me packing. It was always me going further out on the limb, taking a low paying job and moving into her house.

 

Bad call on my part? Yeah, it probably was. Maybe I'm angrier at myself than her anyway.

[erklat]

Pardon me but I saw you're here a while now so I gave myself a quick

rundown of your story. You are no rookie so I can't tell you anything

you are not aware of.

 

I have two questions - you ever heard anything from your ex from Aug '10?

 

How far on selfimprovement you came since then ?

 

How happened that you were blindsided once again? Were there red flags?