Did I get dumped for a turkey?

[mops]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 months. He is 10 years older than me (I'm 32), has been divorced for 4 years, and has children from that marriage whom he sees every other weekend.

 

He didn't tell me about the children part until we'd been together for about 2 weeks - when he did I was shocked, but really liked him, and decided to see if it could work anyway.

 

We have been very close - he works near my home and visits almost every day (I work from home). Every morning we call to say hello, and every night we talk on the phone for an hour or two before bed. Up until this past month he has come over on the weekends and we've spent time together.

 

He doesn't want me to meet his children. I also haven't been introduced to any of his family, but he wanted to go and visit mine, and stops by when he knows my mom is at my place.

 

I don't try to stop him seeing his children, and always say it's no problem that he spends time with them, and calls them all the time. I genuinely don't mind.

 

We've had a few disagreements so far.

 

He asked weeks ago if he could join me for Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house. I said yes, and it was settled. Last Thursday he asked again, and said that he had Monday free - would that be okay? I told him that it would be great.

 

The plan was for me to go there on Sunday, sleep over, and he would drive out on Monday. We'd spend the day there, and then he would drive me home Monday night since we both had work today.

 

On Saturday morning I sent him our usual good morning text message before I started work. He didn't respond to the text for about 2 hours. When he did he said that instead of staying over Saturday night as we had planned, he would visit for a short while and then go home. The night before he had asked me to call him on my first break, so I did that. He told me that he was just stepping into the washroom, and would call me back in a minute. He called back over an hour later. I missed the call since I was working, but called him back 5 minutes later as soon as I was able. No answer.

 

He called me 15 minutes later, and told me that he had been talking to him mom, and good news! She was making a turkey on Monday, and he was going over to have some. I was shocked. I really didn't know what to say. So it took me a moment to think of something to say, and in the meantime he jumped in and asked what the problem was. I told him that I was confused, because I thought that we would be spending Monday together, and I had already told my mom he would be joining us. He became upset, and told me that he had only said he would maybe visit on Monday, and that I was putting words in his mouth, and he didn't know what was wrong with me. He said we'd have to talk about it later .... and hung up!

 

By 6 pm Saturday hadn't heard from him, and since he had been going to visit I sent him a simple text msg "Please don't come over tonight".

 

I haven't heard from him since.

 

I don't know what's going on, but feel like he doesn't care, doesn't really want to spent time with me, and that I've been dumped for a few mouthfuls of dead bird.

 

Thoughts?

[SoThatHappened]

I've seen this scenario many times on this forum in the few months I've been here.

 

Someone else is in the picture.

 

Possibly his ex wife is back in the picture.

 

This behavior typically goes hand in hand with the significant other finding someone else (or rekindling something with a former person). It's happened to me. I know the signs very well.

 

I hope I'm wrong.

 

Either way, sorry you're going through this.

[MrNate 2.0]

In all fairness, turkey sandwiches are pretty good.

[AlphaC]

We have been very close - he works near my home and visits almost every day (I work from home). Every morning we call to say hello, and every night we talk on the phone for an hour or two before bed. Up until this past month he has come over on the weekends and we've spent time together.

He doesn't want me to meet his children.

 

I don't try to stop him seeing his children, and always say it's no problem that he spends time with them, and calls them all the time. I genuinely don't mind.

 

 

Why in the world would you write this? How could you even imagine telling a parent not to see his or her kids? Sounds like you need to move on lady, this man doesn't want you.

[mops]

Thank you SoThatHappened. I hadn't really thought about it from that angle, but I suppose it fits:(

 

I really wish he would just tell me. I feel like it will be difficult to move on without knowing why...

[mops]

AlphaC, my post was originally longer, but it seemed excessive, and I deleted part of it. This was in reference to the fact that it is only on weekends when he visits his children that he becomes cold/aloof/mean towards me.

 

I would never interfere with someone's children, and certainly would never tell them not to see them! I even help him plan trips and (buy) gifts for them.

[Phoe]

It seems as though his interest level is lower than it should be, and he took the opportunity of you questioning whether he'd bailed, he took that as an opportunity to fly off the handle at you. Then with your "please don't visit me" comment, you pretty much sealed the nail in the coffin for him with that.

 

My suggestion would be to move on.

[Arieswoman]

No, you got dumped by a turkey.

 

He didn't want you to meet his kids and he is embarrassed at the idea of you stopping over. Instead of being honest about this, he makes some excuse about going to eat turkey. It seems to me he didn't really want you in his life fully.

 

I agree that you need to move on. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

[Bella2]

Your title made me laugh, so thanks for that

 

Otherwise, sorry for you. Yes, it sucks. But it does sound like he waited for a moment to be used as an excuse to get out...

[gaius]

The.only thing that makes sense to me is you got dumped for his mom. Some guys are like that, what mommy wants and thinks comes before everything.

 

If it makes you feel any better I bet 10 bucks once he blows his thanksgiving load with his mom he'll come crawling back to you.

[KatZee]

You definitely were not dumped for turkey. The signs are pretty obvious that this wasn't anything serious to begin with. He won't introduce you to his kids or family and blew off meeting yours. The whole "relationship" has been fairly superficial.

 

I'd agree that there's someone else in the picture...or at the very least he's not yet ready or emotionally available for a real relationship.

 

He sounds cruel and immature, despite being 10 years older. I'd say he did you a favor to be honest.

[mops]

Thank you everyone. It's rotten to accept, but I think that you are right.

 

The more I think about it, the more signs creep up.

 

The night before (Friday) we were chatting on the phone, and I mentioned that I still hadn't seen his new place. It's a tiny rental, so it makes sense that we don't hang out there, but when I expressed an interest in seeing it he brushed me off. His response was something along the lines of 'yeah, we can maybe do that sometime'.

 

Not so good. Still no contact from him today, day 4.

[GoBlue]

Sorry for the pain and confusion mops - it's never fun when someone just ups and stops communicating without any explanation. I don't believe that you got dumped for the turkey, it seems inconceivable that anyone would end a serious and loving relationship over a superficial issue. What are your plans if he decides to make contact with you again? I believe as you look over the information you have shared there are many more "red flags" about this relationship that would need to be addressed. As a divorced man myself, even after four years I wasn't ready for a committed relationship. I don't know exactly what is going on but I hope you move forward in peace even if you don't get the answers you are looking for. Blessings!

[mops]

Thanks GoBlue. That is exactly how I'm feeling tonight. I'm trying to stay busy with work, but it's very difficult.

 

I've been wondering/worrying about what to do if/when I hear from him. In the past he's just acted like nothing happened, but we've never had anything like this before.

 

To make it worse, we met because he is one of my work suppliers. He asked me out for months before we actually dated - we've known each other about a year now really. Now I'm afraid to place the orders I need; I'm worried that he'll think it's an excuse to see him. It would be devastating to have him drop my things like I'm a random person to him, and it would be equally painful to have him leave my orders with security without even attempting to give them to me.

 

I want to try and move on, but the not knowing is terrible. I miss him and the whole thing is so confusing.

[oldshirt]

 

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 months. He is 10 years older than me (I'm 32), has been divorced for 4 years, and has children from that marriage whom he sees every other weekend.

 

 

have you seen any legal documentation supporting that with your own eyes or are you going by what he tells you?

 

 

 

 

He didn't tell me about the children part until we'd been together for about 2 weeks - when he did I was shocked, but really liked him, and decided to see if it could work anyway.

 

if you had known about the kids, would you have gone out with him in the first place? If the answer is no, he may have sensed that and just kept things on a casual, low-key level.

 

 

 

We have been very close - he works near my home and visits almost every day (I work from home). Every morning we call to say hello, and every night we talk on the phone for an hour or two before bed. Up until this past month he has come over on the weekends and we've spent time together.

 

what happened a month ago that changed that?

 

 

He doesn't want me to meet his children. I also haven't been introduced to any of his family, but he wanted to go and visit mine, and stops by when he knows my mom is at my place.

 

have you asked to meet his family or has he simply not asked you to meet them? There is a difference.

 

If I were divorced and on the dating market, I probably wouldn't bring anyone around my kids unless I was fairly certain that this person was going to be in my/our lives indefinitely. I don't think I would know that by 4 months.

 

However I do think it is different if he is refusing requests to meet any of his friends/family. That is often a sign of not actually being single.

 

 

 

We've had a few disagreements so far

 

such as?????

 

He asked weeks ago if he could join me for Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house. I said yes, and it was settled. Last Thursday he asked again, and said that he had Monday free - would that be okay? I told him that it would be great.

 

The plan was for me to go there on Sunday, sleep over, and he would drive out on Monday. We'd spend the day there, and then he would drive me home Monday night since we both had work today.

 

 

ok I'm sorry, I'm a little confused. Thanksgiving isn't for another 5 weeks or so. What does thanksgiving have to with plans this weekend or am I missing something?

 

 

He called me 15 minutes later, and told me that he had been talking to him mom, and good news! She was making a turkey on Monday, and he was going over to have some. I was shocked. I really didn't know what to say. So it took me a moment to think of something to say, and in the meantime he jumped in and asked what the problem was. I told him that I was confused, because I thought that we would be spending Monday together, and I had already told my mom he would be joining us. He became upset, and told me that he had only said he would maybe visit on Monday, and that I was putting words in his mouth, and he didn't know what was wrong with me. He said we'd have to talk about it later .... and hung up!

 

 

I'm still confused with what this has to do with Thnksgiving. Were you planning on going to your moms this week in addition to Thanksgiving?

 

Did he break your plans to go to your moms so he could go to his moms?

 

Could you please clarify for those of us a little slow on the uptake?

 

 

 

By 6 pm Saturday hadn't heard from him, and since he had been going to visit I sent him a simple text msg "Please don't come over tonight".

 

I haven't heard from him since.

 

I'll be honest, if someone sent me that txt, I'd probably figure that was the end and not sure what I'd do. I would probably try to mend fences and make sure everyone was understanding each other, but that's me.

 

I don't know what's going on, but feel like he doesn't care, doesn't really want to spent time with me, and that I've been dumped for a few mouthfuls of dead bird.

 

Thoughts?

 

my thoughts are he may have been viewing this relationship less seriously than you and was not very invested.

 

It could also be something much darker in that he's not really divorced or has another GF or two. It is not rare for someone to be seeing someone for a year or more and find out they are very much married and living a more less normal family life at home. I'm more inclined to think he's just not into a serious committed relationship yet but it does happen

 

 

Some thoughts in bold above.

[Ronni_W]

oldshirt, Canadian Thanksgiving was past weekend, eh?

 

mops, are you interested in trying to make a go of it, with him? If not, then just tell him that if/when you hear from him. When you place your order, YOU give the delivery/drop-off instructions. ("Just leave it with Security, please.")

 

If you do want to proceed with the relationship, if/when you hear from him, ask him what the heck happened between him asking for an invite to your mom's and him going ice-cold the entire T/giving weekend. ASK him what was going on that made him so rude and inconsiderate. You do have a right now know his whole truth so that you can make a fully-informed decision about moving forward.

[mops]

have you seen any legal documentation supporting that with your own eyes or are you going by what he tells you?

I have not.

 

if you had known about the kids, would you have gone out with him in the first place? If the answer is no, he may have sensed that and just kept things on a casual, low-key level.

I would have. He told me about them 2-3 weeks into our relationship. I had asked him before (in a rounded way), and he had not told me the truth. He said he was falling in love with me, and wanted us to be totally honest with each other.

 

He was anything but low-key. He wanted to move in with me after only a month, and has been telling everyone in my building that he's my bf. He buys coffee for the security guards, is *quite* affectionate in public, and has always told me how happy he is with us, and how I've turned his life around.

 

what happened a month ago that changed that?

He became cold towards me - went from texting all day and 2 hour phone calls to about 2 chilly texts a day, and no phone calls, or 5 minute calls. It was out of the blue.

 

 

have you asked to meet his family or has he simply not asked you to meet them? There is a difference.

I have told him that I would like to meet them. He tells me that they want me to attend family events and meet me, but he doesn't want me to meet his kids, so he doesn't have me attend.

If I were divorced and on the dating market, I probably wouldn't bring anyone around my kids unless I was fairly certain that this person was going to be in my/our lives indefinitely. I don't think I would know that by 4 months.

I understand that. They don't need people in and out of their lives. He has been so attached though - on one hand he wants so spend his life with me (yes, he said that), and move in, and share his car etc. On the other hand he is keeping me very distant from most of his life.

 

One of his kids wants to ride horses. They can't afford lessons. I have a horse. He actually send the child a photo of him on my horse (I didn't get a copy:( ). I'm confused how I can be so important to him, he can show his children photos like that, but they can't know about me. It seems so mixed.

However I do think it is different if he is refusing requests to meet any of his friends/family. That is often a sign of not actually being single.

As above.

 

such as?????

Several times when he has spend the weekend (days only) with his children he has stood me up, failed to communicate (text/call), and been hostile towards me when we've spoken. I told him how I felt, and he became upset and said I didn't want him to see his kids. I want him to see his kids. I also expect him to be fair / kind to me. This caused him to hang up on me.

 

Another time I booked a day off work for us to go on a planned day trip, on his non-custody weekend. He stood me up because his son was in a sports tournament. He didn't tell me about the tournament, wouldn't let me attend too, and didn't bother to admit to cancelling our day until noon (the day of). I was hurt, and he again became upset and *click*.

 

 

ok I'm sorry, I'm a little confused. Thanksgiving isn't for another 5 weeks or so. What does thanksgiving have to with plans this weekend or am I missing something?

Canada:)Did he break your plans to go to your moms so he could go to his moms?

Yes.I'll be honest, if someone sent me that txt, I'd probably figure that was the end and not sure what I'd do. I would probably try to mend fences and make sure everyone was understanding each other, but that's me.

I feel badly about the text. I really miss him. But I didn't want him to come over all angry. Before he hung up on me he said he'd call me later when he'd cooled down. He didn't call. The last time he'd done that he didn't contact me for 2 days.my thoughts are he may have been viewing this relationship less seriously than you and was not very invested.

Maybe. His investment level seemed to change drastically about a month ago.

It could also be something much darker in that he's not really divorced or has another GF or two.

My fear.

 

It is not rare for someone to be seeing someone for a year or more and find out they are very much married and living a more less normal family life at home. I'm more inclined to think he's just not into a serious committed relationship yet but it does happen

*nods*

Thank you for all the time you've spent on this - it helps a lot.

[mops]

Ronni W, you have some very sound points. It seems that I need to wait and see if I hear from him.

[TigerLilly78]

I think hes more married then he leads on no way would a completely single and free man not want a potential partner to meet his kids or family somethings just not adding up..

[oldshirt]

Ok that clarifies a few things. Just a few more thoughts below

 

 

 

have you seen any legal documentation supporting that with your own eyes or are you going by what he tells you?

I have not.

 

 

if he asks you to invest or commit to anything involving money, property, investments etc etc, ask to see his divorce papers.

 

If he proposes marriage, ask for papers. If he proposes, you are entitled to proof of divorce. I don't know about Canada, but in the states it is actually illegal to marry if you are already currently married.

 

 

 

 

He was anything but low-key. He wanted to move in with me after only a month, and has been telling everyone in my building that he's my bf. He buys coffee for the security guards, is *quite* affectionate in public, and has always told me how happy he is with us, and how I've turned his life around.

 

 

that is actually a big red flag. Stable, squared away people do not rush into anything and and there lives aren't "turned around."

 

He became cold towards me - went from texting all day and 2 hour phone calls to about 2 chilly texts a day, and no phone calls, or 5 minute calls. It was out of the blue.

 

 

another bright, shiny red flag. Normal, healthy, stable people don't run hot and cold for no reason. Another woman in the picture can be that reason though. It's either another woman or he's a flake, crackpot or fraud. Take your pick on which sounds better.

 

 

[/i]I have told him that I would like to meet them. He tells me that they want me to attend family events and meet me, but he doesn't want me to meet his kids, so he doesn't have me attend.

 

I can understand not bringing the woman-of-the-month home to meet the kids. Meeting other adult friends and family members for casual get togethers seems reasonable though.

 

I think it's fishy. Another red flag

 

 

I understand that. They don't need people in and out of their lives. He has been so attached though - on one hand he wants so spend his life with me (yes, he said that), and move in, and share his car etc. On the other hand he is keeping me very distant from most of his life.

 

 

very incongruent and inconsistent actions. It seems like he "says" a lot of things here. Have you seen any first-hand "proof" these kids even exist?

 

Otherwise what he 'says' and what he does seem at odds. Always believe actions. Never believe words unless they are backed up by actions and behaviors

 

Another red flag

 

 

One of his kids wants to ride horses. They can't afford lessons. I have a horse. He actually send the child a photo of him on my horse (I didn't get a copy:( ). I'm confused how I can be so important to him, he can show his children photos like that, but they can't know about me. It seems so mixed.

 

yes it does. Kind of creepy in fact

 

 

 

 

Several times when he has spend the weekend (days only) with his children he has stood me up, failed to communicate (text/call), and been hostile towards me when we've spoken. I told him how I felt, and he became upset and said I didn't want him to see his kids. I want him to see his kids. I also expect him to be fair / kind to me. This caused him to hang up on me.

 

Another time I booked a day off work for us to go on a planned day trip, on his non-custody weekend. He stood me up because his son was in a sports tournament. He didn't tell me about the tournament, wouldn't let me attend too, and didn't bother to admit to cancelling our day until noon (the day of). I was hurt, and he again became upset and *click*.

 

 

are you sure he is not really a teenaged girl???

 

These are not the actions of a single adult man interested in a relationship with....... Well anyone really.

 

Red flag

 

His investment level seemed to change drastically about a month ago.

 

 

something happened a month and day ago. Wife started getting suspicious maybe???

 

Or maybe he is just not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship for more than a few months.

 

Even Ted Bundy (a notorious American serial killer) was charming and the perfect boyfriend until he introduced his girlfriends to the trunk of his car.

 

 

 

My fear.

 

 

I think your concerns are legit. Him actually being married may be a bit of a stretch but there is something going on that smells fishy

 

[mops]

very incongruent and inconsistent actions. It seems like he "says" a lot of things here. Have you seen any first-hand "proof" these kids even exist?

 

He send me some photos of them, and I've heard them on the phone. He has no problem calling them with me there, even right beside him.

[TigerLilly78]

Yeah reading more my impression the kids also come with a mom at this point whose still "in the picture" to a good degree OP me thinks you are being played here! perhaps by them both IE this guy and his other women.

 

The fact they "cant afford" horse lessons yet the son is in sporting tournaments but you happen to have a horse his me as odd I dunno somethings just not adding up. Its almost like you are being set up for something imo..ide dump him asap and run for the hills and I dont usuialy give that sorta extreme advice..