brazilian Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Bad breakup in 2011 after 7.5 years together. He was obese and started running and losing weight, I suddenly was not good enough anymore. We split, I went NC immediatelly but followed his trajectory through Instagram (anonymously). He became a marathon runner, running is his life, he even got a job at Asics travelling the world organizing street runs. During these 3 years, he tried to contact me several times, I never answered. The few times I replied all I had was anger so I just let it be and stopped replying after the third or fourth message. Now 3 years later his dog dies (which I loved very much) and I send him a sad face. He contacts me 5 days later telling me about the dog, we exchange a few messages and I tell him that I have to go and wish him well. Two days later he sends me a funny text like the past 3 years never happened. I never replied. 10 days later he says he wants to see me. That he has been waiting to give me a hug for a long time now. I am engaged to be married. I love my fiance. But just receiving a message from him makes me so anxious I cannot function. The funny thing is I do not have the pride and the energy for games anymore. I told him it hurt so much all these years that just the thought of seeing him makes me terrified and I do not think any good can come from that. And then we immediately start fighting. Just like if we were still dating. Do you think that 10 years from now I will still feel like this? Do we ever really forget? Or do we just compartmentalize the feelings and leave some in that little box in the bottom drawer hoping nobody ever touches it?
BC1980 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Bad breakup in 2011 after 7.5 years together. He was obese and started running and losing weight, I suddenly was not good enough anymore. We split, I went NC immediatelly but followed his trajectory through Instagram (anonymously). He became a marathon runner, running is his life, he even got a job at Asics travelling the world organizing street runs. During these 3 years, he tried to contact me several times, I never answered. The few times I replied all I had was anger so I just let it be and stopped replying after the third or fourth message. Now 3 years later his dog dies (which I loved very much) and I send him a sad face. He contacts me 5 days later telling me about the dog, we exchange a few messages and I tell him that I have to go and wish him well. Two days later he sends me a funny text like the past 3 years never happened. I never replied. 10 days later he says he wants to see me. That he has been waiting to give me a hug for a long time now. I am engaged to be married. I love my fiance. But just receiving a message from him makes me so anxious I cannot function. The funny thing is I do not have the pride and the energy for games anymore. I told him it hurt so much all these years that just the thought of seeing him makes me terrified and I do not think any good can come from that. And then we immediately start fighting. Just like if we were still dating. Do you think that 10 years from now I will still feel like this? Do we ever really forget? Or do we just compartmentalize the feelings and leave some in that little box in the bottom drawer hoping nobody ever touches it? I don't think that you ever truly forget. I think it's more like you compartmentalize because, over time, the person becomes irrelevant to your everyday life. I think the terms on which you ended are cause for your anxiety because it sounds like you were deeply hurt. You have also been following him on Instagram, so you haven't been NC. You have made the choice to keep him relevant to your life, even if it's not in person. I believe in cutting someone out completely because it does allow you to compartmentalize as best you can. Doing so can be very helpful to moving on IMO. I had an ex contact me out of the blue after 10 years, and it was no big deal for me. I got a kick out of it to be honest and was kind of flattered. However, we didn't end on terrible terms. It's never on good terms, but we just sort of grew apart. There was never any animosity on my part towards him. Now, my recent ex, it ended on very acrimonious terms, and I have a great deal of ill feelings for him. So I'm sure it would promote anxiety if he suddenly texted me or tried to call. Anyway, you really need to stop following him on Instagram and completely cut him from your life. That's your biggest problem with why you are holding.
GoBlue Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Thanks for your post brazilian - I agree with BC1980 - The issue is not whether you forget the pain or not but how you come to terms with it and release it. The memories and pain do not have to continue to haunt you or cause you anxiety. Have you contacted a therapist or counselor about these feelings? Have you spoken to your fiance honestly and openly about what is happening? Compartmentalizing memories and feelings is not a good way to handle heartache from the past. I am no therapist but holding that stuff in can come back and haunt your future marriage. I hope you find a professional to help you through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings! GrandEliasDad
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