Redhead14 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Here is an example of what I've said in numerous posts: I have been dating another man for a little over a month. He's been attentive, communicative, daily good morning/good night texts, calls in between. He is struggling with the recent loss of his job and for the last couple of days hasn't been keeping in touch as much. I only sent one text in that time to say "hey, how's it going?" He was away too. He didn't respond. I left it alone. He just texted me asking how my day was going and apologized for not being in touch and explained that he has been in a funky mood and didn't want to bring me down. I told him that I understood where he "is" and that he should take the time he needs. He knows I like him and he can talk or contact when he wants or needs to. I place no expectations. I then said, I was happy to hear from him and that I'm having a good day. Call me if you want to vent. I'm a good listener. He replied with thank you very much. I've dated girls who went ballistic on me because I didn't text them as often as they wanted or if a day went by Thanks for understanding and I may take you up on your offer of lending an ear tonight. I said, well now you're dating a woman 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Here is an example of what I've said in numerous posts: I have been dating another man for a little over a month. He's been attentive, communicative, daily good morning/good night texts, calls in between. He is struggling with the recent loss of his job and for the last couple of days hasn't been keeping in touch as much. I only sent one text in that time to say "hey, how's it going?" He was away too. He didn't respond. I left it alone. He just texted me asking how my day was going and apologized for not being in touch and explained that he has been in a funky mood and didn't want to bring me down. I told him that I understood where he "is" and that he should take the time he needs. He knows I like him and he can talk or contact when he wants or needs to. I place no expectations. I then said, I was happy to hear from him and that I'm having a good day. Call me if you want to vent. I'm a good listener. He replied with thank you very much. I've dated girls who went ballistic on me because I didn't text them as often as they wanted or if a day went by Thanks for understanding and I may take you up on your offer of lending an ear tonight. I said, well now you're dating a woman I don't really understand what you're asking. Your thread title asks how to deal with this, yet the above bolded sentence indicates that you're accommodating his distance. It sounds like you're already dealing with it? If you're ok with not being in daily communication and can understand why he's pulling away right now, I'm not sure what you're asking from us here...
Tayken Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 @RH14....so are you asking us if you handled this well, or putting fwd how to handle such matters? From what you posted, I liked it very much and any man with half a brain will be stupid to act oblivious to this gesture of yours. However, not all women are this understanding and will just move on to the next person who has a job, and isn't going to be a liability.
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 I don't get it either. Are you telling us this is how to deal with this?
Joaquin Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 You are not dealing with anything. You're just letting yourself be ignored and telling him it's ok to ignore you. Then patting yourself on the back for keeping the relationship going by being a pushover. And he says he "may" take you up and speak with you. You lucky lucky girl. 6
preraph Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 I get what you're saying in your title, though I see how it could be misconstrued. I do think you are doing the right thing with him. Losing a job is huge and many men are quite compartmentalized, but anyone would stop being in dating mode from the blow of losing their job. And for men, who know they are supposed to resemble a provider, it can sometimes mean the end of dating until they are again employed and caught up financially. So you keep right on just doing the occasional short post to stay in touch and let him know you haven't bailed just because he lost his job, but don't be demanding time. Let him call the shots on that for the next little while and let's hope he's pulling out all the stops to find other employment right away. 1
Gaeta Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 If a man pulls away, you let him. He does it because he needs it. Losing a job is a major stress and blow to the ego. After only seeing him for 1 month I would have offered him to take a break from me, to concentrate on himself and to get back to me when he's in a better place. I also would not have offered myself to listen to him venting. He has friends and family for that, by doing that you've put yourself in the 'friend' category or even worse the 'shrink' category. 6
umirano Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 You are not dealing with anything. You're just letting yourself be ignored and telling him it's ok to ignore you. You clearly have no idea what you're talking about.
Author Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 (edited) This was not a question, just an example of what I've said in other posts. I appreciate input, but it's not necessarily something that needs a response. I just put it up here for people who have experienced that a man is pulling away and how, in this case, it works to let them have space when it seems or if he says that's what they want. As an update, he's been back in regular touch and upped it a little as well. That was pretty fast. We talked and he said he appreciated what I said because he likes me very much but couldn't handle any more pressure and if it seemed to him that there was pressure on him to keep in really close touch with me in order to keep seeing me, it would have made it more difficult for him. Incidentally, this man has no relatives except for his sister and they are not close enough for him to be able to talk. I would not have offered my ear if I knew he did have people he feels he can confide in. It's also a matter of pride for him. He doesn't really want to talk to his friends about it because of that. He has confided in me however. And, we are friends for the moment. I have never offered advice to him or tried to shrink him, I simply listen, if he asks for my opinion, I'll give it, otherwise, he can vent. And,no I have not given him permission to ignore me, just a little space. I'm not going to go nuts if I don't hear from him for a couple of days. I won't go nuts if he starts to ignore me either. If he doesn't contact me or doesn't respond to me in a period of a week or so without my knowing that there's something significant going on, I will have moved on. Edited October 15, 2014 by Redhead14 2
gaius Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Good for you Red. You can do with or without him = winning strategy.
Author Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 Good for you Red. You can do with or without him = winning strategy. And, I am sure he knows that too. If he is serious enough to want to keep things going with me, he also knows what to do. He already demonstrated that he understands how keeping in touch is something important, he apologized, though no apology was necessary, for not being in touch. This is a good man and has earned my respect already, he will return that and no matter what happens. If he at some point decides not to pursue or continue seeing me, he will handle it with respect and so will I and vice versa. 1
travelbug1996 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 He doesn't have a job now so the pressure of dating may be a bit much. I wouldn't want to date if I didn't have a job.
Author Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 He doesn't have a job now so the pressure of dating may be a bit much. I wouldn't want to date if I didn't have a job. Exactly. I am giving him the space and time to consider all that. He knows I like him but I'm not going to pressure him. And, I also have to consider that he's likely feeling lonely and alone and may simply come to me for "relief" so to speak. He wants a relationship with someone, I know that, but in times of difficulty sometimes you go for something as a distraction, etc. rather than thinking about what you really want in the end.
BluEyeL Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 You did a great job. His situation is serious. Not sure your budding relationship will survive, but you did the best you could possibly do. Just be careful not to wait around too long, if he doesn't pull himself together and SEE you regularly, despite his situation, maybe you should move on and invite him to return when he feels more ready. But in general, that's how you handle things like this. 1
GettingOver Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Exactly. I am giving him the space and time to consider all that. He knows I like him but I'm not going to pressure him. And, I also have to consider that he's likely feeling lonely and alone and may simply come to me for "relief" so to speak. He wants a relationship with someone, I know that, but in times of difficulty sometimes you go for something as a distraction, etc. rather than thinking about what you really want in the end. I used to be in a similar situation. I started dating a guy who just really wanted to date and settle down but had a lot of issues with inscurities and some unresolved past problems. This all came out in less than 3 months. He was needy on the opposite, and vented a lot about his "problems". It turned me off completely. Like I would come over to him and insted of having a good time he would either press me looking for issues inside of me or he would whine about everything. The biggest problem that he basically had no problems at all - he had a job, a place to live, he had me. But he was still unhappy and felt lonely. I ran away from him, it was too much for me to handle. Everyone has their own issues, but there should be a limit for everything.
Author Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 I used to be in a similar situation. I started dating a guy who just really wanted to date and settle down but had a lot of issues with inscurities and some unresolved past problems. This all came out in less than 3 months. He was needy on the opposite, and vented a lot about his "problems". It turned me off completely. Like I would come over to him and insted of having a good time he would either press me looking for issues inside of me or he would whine about everything. The biggest problem that he basically had no problems at all - he had a job, a place to live, he had me. But he was still unhappy and felt lonely. I ran away from him, it was too much for me to handle. Everyone has their own issues, but there should be a limit for everything. Yes, if a man I'm dating doesn't really have any problems but was negative about life in general, whining about nothing and harshing my mellow , I'd move on too. This man, however, lost his job shortly after we started dating. He was otherwise doing fine. He is now in a tough spot. I am not going to bail just because of that. In addition, this is a good way to see how we mesh so to speak, how each of us responds to difficulties and how we treat each other during that time. It is actually a good "road test" to get a sense of how a relationship would be if one developed.
GettingOver Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Yes, if a man I'm dating doesn't really have any problems but was negative about life in general, whining about nothing and harshing my mellow , I'd move on too. This man, however, lost his job shortly after we started dating. He was otherwise doing fine. He is now in a tough spot. I am not going to bail just because of that. In addition, this is a good way to see how we mesh so to speak, how each of us responds to difficulties and how we treat each other during that time. It is actually a good "road test" to get a sense of how a relationship would be if one developed. I have to say that it is quite typical for men to pull back when they are having issues, especially work-related ones. Most of the men do not want to seem weak and uncapable of dealing with their problems - so they need space. My ex was quite an exception and I guess he used me as a psychoterapist - I heard so many stories about how bad women hurt him, all of the exes were crazy bitches, used him, people mistreated him, he had no real friends, he was lonely, ETCETERA And yes - he did not lose his job, but his boss quit and he was unhappy cause it made him feel like everyone around would play against him. I only said that he should not be mad at the boss cause the boss is supposed to think of HIMSELF in the firtst place, not about how comfortable someone is about it. Anyway, I only wanted to say that wanting to date and being able and ready to - are two different things. I can assure you - maybe if my ex would pull back to deal with his issues instead of venting and whining and all that, I would have propably never left him. If your man would whine to you about job loss every day, how unhappy he is, how the whole world is only focused on f***ing him up - maybe YOU would run away So, give him time, relax, if he likes/loves you - he will be back to you shortly once he sorts things out. And yes, you will see how he is able to deal with stress. I also thought about it - ok, if you are so pessimistic and unhappy when NOTHING happened - what are you gonna do when it DOES happen! 2
SummerDreams Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 No. Just NO. I don't want a relationship where me or my SO won't be able or feel comfortable to discuss about serious problems. Women who don't like men pulling away, as you said, do it for a reason. A friend can give all the time in the world and wait and be there when their friend needs them. But a SO? Giving him time for what? Why can't a couple go through problems together? If a man would tell me "I'm sorry I'll be distant for some time until I solve my problems (about which I won't tell you anything) and I'll contact you once I've solved them" the message I would receive would be "I only want you to have fun but I don't trust you or respect you enough to have a serious relationship with you". Next.
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 He is struggling with the recent loss of his job and for the last couple of days hasn't been keeping in touch as much. His ego just took a huge hit. He is questioning who he is. Treat him to a nice dinner. Show him that you are not with him for his job title or who much money he spends on you. Do not start any conversations about his employment status.
Author Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 His ego just took a huge hit. He is questioning who he is. Treat him to a nice dinner. Show him that you are not with him for his job title or who much money he spends on you. Do not start any conversations about his employment status. That is absolutely true, he is hurting. At this point, though, it may hurt his ego a little more if I take him out and pay, etc. What he may appreciate more is a long drive on a scenic route or, in his case, he enjoys hiking. I'd bring him to a new hiking spot. I will let him come to me when he is ready and I will offer that. If he continues to pull away or stops communicating, I'll let it be. He will deal with his situation, his way. I'm not waiting for him. I am dating other men, but he is currently the one I am most interested in. I am DATING other men and sleeping with no one. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 If you think the paying will bother him fine, do the other things you have suggested but you can't wait for him to come to you. If you think he's pulling away because of his job loss (& that's what I think, btw) if you wait he will conclude you were only with him for his job title / salary & he'll never come back. You have to act now.
Author Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 If you think the paying will bother him fine, do the other things you have suggested but you can't wait for him to come to you. If you think he's pulling away because of his job loss (& that's what I think, btw) if you wait he will conclude you were only with him for his job title / salary & he'll never come back. You have to act now. Don't forget that we have only be dating for almost two months. If he were my SO, I would still give some space, but up my level of support. It is clear to him that I have a strong interest in him and I've offered support in terms of being there to listen if he wants that. He also knows that I don't want or need him for his job title or salary. If he allows his troubles to trump his interest in me now, how will that affect me/us if a relationship develops? He needs to focus on getting things back in order for himself and/or at least get in a positive frame of mind before he can truly be able to give what's needed for a relationship. 1
Author Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 No. Just NO. I don't want a relationship where me or my SO won't be able or feel comfortable to discuss about serious problems. Women who don't like men pulling away, as you said, do it for a reason. A friend can give all the time in the world and wait and be there when their friend needs them. But a SO? Giving him time for what? Why can't a couple go through problems together? If a man would tell me "I'm sorry I'll be distant for some time until I solve my problems (about which I won't tell you anything) and I'll contact you once I've solved them" the message I would receive would be "I only want you to have fun but I don't trust you or respect you enough to have a serious relationship with you". Next. We are not talking about a man completely shutting down. Giving him space means not harping on an issue, not keeping your concerns in his face. Allowing him a little time to process, collect his thoughts, grasp the emotions involved. If the relationship is strong, it won't take a ton of time and he will talk freely and openly. If a significant amount of time goes by, then there is something else wrong with the relationship. A man who is not in a relationship with you may use the "I need space" thing to just go away or re-evaluate the possibilities. He is not obligated in anyway to share or consult with you about it. A man who is in a good relationship will say, I need to think about this a little bit and then address it with his SO.
RebelWithoutACause Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Lack of contact = lack of interest, especially in the early dating stages. We can speculate all we like about his current struggles with losing his job. Who knows...all you can be sure of is that his interest level is pretty low right now. Let him be, as you have been doing so far, and he might slither back in.
Author Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 Lack of contact = lack of interest, especially in the early dating stages. We can speculate all we like about his current struggles with losing his job. Who knows...all you can be sure of is that his interest level is pretty low right now. Let him be, as you have been doing so far, and he might slither back in. He got back in contact with me pretty quickly given what he's dealing with and he apologized and he has upped it a little. As for him slithering back in, I would not characterize it that way. This man has given no indication whatsoever that he is a snake. He is a human being with a lot on his plate. If he comes back in a big way, we will have weathered a big storm already.
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