WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Me and my guy have been dating almost 3 months, no "titles" (no reason for this, we just haven't discussed it) but we are dating exclusively and have been since the beginning. Anyways, his company is going into their busy season (which he told me about before) it happens every year around the same time and I do believe him. So my question is Is it too soon try to stand with him through anything? He is going to be working really long hours, which has already started yesterday. He is usually too busy too text (as in a conversation) when he is working but will send me a message to check in and let me know he is still working and he misses me etc. So should I try to "deal" with it? I mean I know he says last year he had to work from 7a to midnight sometimes during the season. So a hard working man means a sleeping man when he gets some free time, to me. But Idk, should I just see how it goes first before making any decisions? I don't have a problem as of now, but we are only Day 2 into this busy season 1
smackie9 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Huh, it depends on your expectations. Since you have no titles, you can keep your options open and see what happens. I don't think it's fair to you to sacrifice too much since you are not in a committed relationship. Best of luck. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Go out with your girlfriends, do something to entertain yourself and let it pass. These things always do. Just make sure you keep yourself busy and have other people you can turn to if you have a bad day. My family are all involved in an industry where there are "busy" periods and the men just disappear for a couple of months every year. You know they are still alive as the meals you leave out for them disappear during the night and piles of filthy clothes appear in their place. If you want to see them you have to go and find them and be prepared to get mucky/ involved in whatever they happen to be doing at the time because they can't stop. I have grown up with it and had ex'es that were also involved in it. Just deal with it. If you can and depending on the industry I am sure he would appreciate it if you made sure he was getting some decent food (take a picnic to him if you can, this was always a way to win over the hearts of any man working in the same industry as my family!) and still had some small "tokens" a note in a pocket for him to find etc, so he knows you haven't forgotten him and you still care. When he does get some spare time pamper him a bit with a bath and quiet time, nothing extravigant as he will not be able to think about it too much, he will be shattered and not able to deal with much mentally through exhaustion. No talks about relationships/ feelings/ emotions as it will all be too much. Keep it all very quiet and simple until he has more time again. Your pretty much on your own but if you can show that you are a grown woman capable of dealing with your life he will really appreciate you more and be more attentive when he has more time again. Its actually quite nice to have the time to yourself when you get used to it Think "ohhh spa trip with the girls" instead of moping on your own! How long does it normally last? 1
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Well, do you mind telling what type of job he is doing??? I understand uneasy feelings about how a change up effects time together. My LDR had odd limitations that were not fully disclosed until much later in our relationship. We first met online during holiday, since UK and US holidays are different, it was a bit hard to get accustom from having free time to random open times to meet. At the time we understood there were no expectations and had just a simple friendship to allow us to see how things are without assumptions. So when we did become deeply interested in each other, what we knew from our year of learning in understanding each other guided us through questionable times of not being able to contact at times. Since you are fairly new to learning what your mate has to deal with in his life at work, you will have to be as trusting to get by in the months ahead. Once you see things come back to normal once the busy segment is done in his work schedule, you should feel comfortable and know you will be at ease for next year. Just learn to trust, even if you must pull away your feelings. It is better to allow for your trust to be rewarded than to set it aside when in doubt. As if you protect your trust, you will never grow into what he is offering to you. 1
Redhead14 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Me and my guy have been dating almost 3 months, no "titles" (no reason for this, we just haven't discussed it) but we are dating exclusively and have been since the beginning. Anyways, his company is going into their busy season (which he told me about before) it happens every year around the same time and I do believe him. So my question is Is it too soon try to stand with him through anything? He is going to be working really long hours, which has already started yesterday. He is usually too busy too text (as in a conversation) when he is working but will send me a message to check in and let me know he is still working and he misses me etc. So should I try to "deal" with it? I mean I know he says last year he had to work from 7a to midnight sometimes during the season. So a hard working man means a sleeping man when he gets some free time, to me. But Idk, should I just see how it goes first before making any decisions? I don't have a problem as of now, but we are only Day 2 into this busy season You will have to wait for a little while. The fact that he is busy should not prevent him from making you feel important in his life in some way or another. If that starts to go away, you will then have to decide if you can deal with it. How it makes YOU feel. You won't know until you get farther down that road. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 It's going to happen next year & the year after that. If you can't handle it, get out now. The fact that you even think this is a concern tells me you aren't going to be able to deal with his work hours. At the 90 day point, you can't possibly think it's realistic for him to forgo his job for you, do you? 5
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 He works as an senior associate of some sort works with lots of numbers and a good amount of clients I think it can last as long as January. Thanks yall for all the great advice. I am a college student so I have a lot more free time until my son comes back. I am looking for part time work but that's a great idea, to keep busy. I'm new to the city so I don't know anyone but my family. I care for him a great deal but you are right, d0nnivain. Its going to happen every year, but I would like to hang in there. Showing him little tokens and keeping his stress level down while he isn't at work sounds great. If we each lived alone, it would easier but I think I can make it work. 1
Gaeta Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Isn't dating about showing what type of life partner you can be? If you bail out just cause he has a busy season at work then what does it say? 2
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 Isn't dating about showing what type of life partner you can be? If you bail out just cause he has a busy season at work then what does it say? That's exactly what I was thinking! I've told him many times I understand that he is busy and if I couldn't deal with it, I would tell him. I want to stand by him, but I don't want to disappear by staying out of his way. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Chances are the reality is that he is not "your man", at some point he's probably going to tell you he's too busy for a "relationship" (when you bring it up)....which it's not like he doesn't know you're interested in one, this isn't rocket science for guys to figure out. The thing about being a really busy professional guy is that you can always use that as an excuse for avoiding commitment...it's convenient and not "your fault"...after all, what can you REALLY expect anyway. He will let you know how interested he truly is, if he wants a relationship he will initiate one.
Toodaloo Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 That's exactly what I was thinking! I've told him many times I understand that he is busy and if I couldn't deal with it, I would tell him. I want to stand by him, but I don't want to disappear by staying out of his way. That is a fantastic attitude to have. You still exist. You are still important. Now is the time to show that you can stand perfectly well on your own two feet and support him when he needs it. I have found that the small things really do count enormously. My brother is on the management team for a company and during their busy period my mother and I make cakes and take in treats for all the boys who work for him. They love that someone cares and is spoiling them a bit. Helps them get through during the high pressure times and the long hours. Often they will only get between 4-5 hours sleep for several days and if you are lucky to get a full 8 wow thats something to show off about! Just make sure you have your own back up ready as well. I really can't tell you how important this is. If he is in the office going over numbers and accounts he will be completely mentally drained every night. Thus he is unlikely to be able to cope with supporting that side of your needs for the moment. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want to its just he can't do that and his job well when he is this busy. So it is vital that you have one or two good friends that you can off load on. Don't forget to spoil yourself and remind yourself that you are special as it can sometimes feel as though they are neglecting you when the reality is that they have no intention of doing so they just get to the point where they can't think about much else other than work and basic eat, sleep and have a shower. Its October now, its only 2 months. It will fly by. For the people I know its at least 2-3 months in the summer and occasionally depending on what they are doing another month in the late spring. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 The thing about being a really busy professional guy is that you can always use that as an excuse for avoiding commitment...it's convenient and not "your fault"...after all, what can you REALLY expect anyway. Thats a really bad attitude to take for dating a man who has a career that demands his time for a few months of the year... It doesn't go on forever. Its only really a problem if you have no life of your own. You can't write someone off just because they work hard! Perhaps you can though if you can't cope with it you are better to bail out so they can find someone who can. 3
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 Thats a really bad attitude to take for dating a man who has a career that demands his time for a few months of the year... It doesn't go on forever. Its only really a problem if you have no life of your own. You can't write someone off just because they work hard! Perhaps you can though if you can't cope with it you are better to bail out so they can find someone who can. I agree. And I am starting to go to meet ups and working out and focusing on school so I'm not sitting here waiting. But he is a really sweet guy who works hard, has a future planned out for himself and his future family. I don't know where we will go but I don't want to bail at the first sign of stress. But I will be honest with him, if I can't do it.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Thats a really bad attitude to take for dating a man who has a career that demands his time for a few months of the year... It doesn't go on forever. Its only really a problem if you have no life of your own. You can't write someone off just because they work hard! Perhaps you can though if you can't cope with it you are better to bail out so they can find someone who can. It's not a bad attitude, it's the reality...why are you taking this as some "personal challenge"? Did he ask her to wait for him? did he offer to be in a relationship? Did he try to encourage the fact that he will be busy but make every effort to spend time with her? Did he make her feel like a priority in any way? And you think this is him about "working hard"? a lot of people work hard, but they make efforts for things they really want to keep around. You don't take it upon yourself as some great deed and challenge, they don't even have a "relationship" yet....what makes you think this is anything but a modified FWB scenario? People would rather come up with their own little crazy ideas and theories on things rather than talking to the other person....because they're scared the other person isn't going to want the same thing, so let's just "wait, and give things a chance...prove yourself" No, no, by all means come up with your own little ideas about this based off someone else you know who does that, because clearly they're working the same job in the exact situation...funny how important it is for everyone to be individuals except for situations people want to relate to in a positive way...THEN it's the same "sticking by her man" at month 3, what a joke...and I'm sure she'll make every excuse in the world on top of it for him, rather than hearing it out of his mouth.
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 It's not a bad attitude, it's the reality...why are you taking this as some "personal challenge"? Did he ask her to wait for him? did he offer to be in a relationship? Did he try to encourage the fact that he will be busy but make every effort to spend time with her? Did he make her feel like a priority in any way? And you think this is him about "working hard"? a lot of people work hard, but they make efforts for things they really want to keep around. You don't take it upon yourself as some great deed and challenge, they don't even have a "relationship" yet....what makes you think this is anything but a modified FWB scenario? People would rather come up with their own little crazy ideas and theories on things rather than talking to the other person....because they're scared the other person isn't going to want the same thing, so let's just "wait, and give things a chance...prove yourself" No, no, by all means come up with your own little ideas about this based off someone else you know who does that, because clearly they're working the same job in the exact situation...funny how important it is for everyone to be individuals except for situations people want to relate to in a positive way...THEN it's the same "sticking by her man" at month 3, what a joke...and I'm sure she'll make every excuse in the world on top of it for him, rather than hearing it out of his mouth. So you think that I should just end things because he is going to be busy? Hearing what out of his mouth? How is it wrong to be there for someone you care about? That makes no sense!
isisisweeping Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Well, setting aside not having defined what you are, I would enjoy my time to do stuff with friends for a while and try to offer ways in which I might help (if it were appropriate in our relationship - it typically is in those I am in) like bringing by dinner with a promise to shoo out after so he can sleep or helping with laundry. 2
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 It's not a bad attitude, it's the reality...why are you taking this as some "personal challenge"? Did he ask her to wait for him? did he offer to be in a relationship? Did he try to encourage the fact that he will be busy but make every effort to spend time with her? Did he make her feel like a priority in any way? And you think this is him about "working hard"? a lot of people work hard, but they make efforts for things they really want to keep around. You don't take it upon yourself as some great deed and challenge, they don't even have a "relationship" yet....what makes you think this is anything but a modified FWB scenario? People would rather come up with their own little crazy ideas and theories on things rather than talking to the other person....because they're scared the other person isn't going to want the same thing, so let's just "wait, and give things a chance...prove yourself" No, no, by all means come up with your own little ideas about this based off someone else you know who does that, because clearly they're working the same job in the exact situation...funny how important it is for everyone to be individuals except for situations people want to relate to in a positive way...THEN it's the same "sticking by her man" at month 3, what a joke...and I'm sure she'll make every excuse in the world on top of it for him, rather than hearing it out of his mouth. So you think it makes sense to end things before he POSSIBLY ends things? Wow
Toodaloo Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 It's not a bad attitude, it's the reality...why are you taking this as some "personal challenge"? I am not I just find it wrong to suggest that a man is "obviously" not into someone and going to ditch them just because they are working hard. Did he ask her to wait for him? did he offer to be in a relationship? No he has not asked her to wait but after 3 months of being exclusive I guess you can safely assume that they are already in a relationship Did he try to encourage the fact that he will be busy but make every effort to spend time with her? He has warned her and tried to prepare her and let her know when that busy period is likely to end. its saying "this is something I have to do and this is when it will end so I can spend more time with you again"... Did he make her feel like a priority in any way? Sadly our partners can't ALWAYS be number one ALL the time. To think like that is unrealistic and unfair. What happens when children come along or a parent is sick... sometimes partners have to take a back seat while life gets sorted out. And you think this is him about "working hard"? a lot of people work hard, but they make efforts for things they really want to keep around. I have grown up with and am surrounded by men who work extreme hours. I know what it takes for them to be able to do that and for a relationship to last in an environment when the male literally disappears for work for a while. Working from 7am straight through to midnight 7 days a week is demanding and exhausting. To be able to do that consistently for several weeks you need to have back up and support. Lord knows I have seen many great relationships destroyed by it but I have also seen many great relationships survive and thrive through it. You don't take it upon yourself as some great deed and challenge, they don't even have a "relationship" yet....what makes you think this is anything but a modified FWB scenario? They have been dating exclusively for 3 months. If that is not a relationship then what the hell is??? If it were only a month then yes I woudl agree with you but its longer despite still being very new People would rather come up with their own little crazy ideas and theories on things rather than talking to the other person....because they're scared the other person isn't going to want the same thing, so let's just "wait, and give things a chance...prove yourself" Its 2 months. if she can't cope for 2 months there is no point in carrying on. No, no, by all means come up with your own little ideas about this based off someone else you know who does that, because clearly they're working the same job in the exact situation...funny how important it is for everyone to be individuals except for situations people want to relate to in a positive way...THEN it's the same They are not working the same job nor in the same situation. This guy will probably get a break at the weekends the guys I know who have to work exceptional hours for a "season" don't they go 24/7 for a full up 2 months then it tapers down to 12-15 hours a day for another 2 months then back to 10-12 hour days, 7 days a week. Funny how you have completely ignored my advise about her getting her own support net work and ensuring that she look after herself to keep her spirits up etc. "sticking by her man" at month 3, what a joke...and I'm sure she'll make every excuse in the world on top of it for him, rather than hearing it out of his mouth. What a load of utter balls. I hope that when the chips are down YOUR partners are capable of looking after themselves and don't expect any support from you. I also hope that the poor sods have a 9-5 Monday to Friday job. All this guy has done is explain that he can't see her as much as he wants to for a while. He has laid down why and when he expects it to end. Things like this I feel really do show the qualities in a person. If OP can't cope with it then OK better break it off. But she seems to like him a lot so yes I am going to try and help her by giving her tips from the women I know in this situation who have made their marriages last the test of time in some cases over 75 years. Responses in bold. Ninja - would you give up your job, the thing that is going to be paying for your security and the security of your future family just because someone you have dated for 3 months might not like it? Don't be daft! I certainly wouldn't. Its really hard work being with out your partner for a while but there are ways in which you can make it work, still feel good about yourself and help him so he can get through it and get to the end feeling fresh, supported and ready to spoil you rotten while he can. 1
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 Responses in bold. Ninja - would you give up your job, the thing that is going to be paying for your security and the security of your future family just because someone you have dated for 3 months might not like it? Don't be daft! I certainly wouldn't. Its really hard work being with out your partner for a while but there are ways in which you can make it work, still feel good about yourself and help him so he can get through it and get to the end feeling fresh, supported and ready to spoil you rotten while he can. Thank you, Toodaloo. I wouldn't expect him to give up his job for me but that doesn't mean I have to end things just because he will be pretty busy or tired for 2 months.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 (edited) So you think that I should just end things because he is going to be busy? You should find out what it exactly means when he say he's going to be too busy, men are notorious for giving you subtle hints about not being to invest or commit...but IMO he's already showing you in his behavior he doesn't want to take this that seriously at the moment, or he would have said more about this because he'd be more concerned about how you were going to feel about it. Hearing what out of his mouth? The fact that he wants you to stay, or even be in a relationship with him so that you have more incentive to actually stay. You make the excuse that it just "hasn't come up"....how do you know that isn't intentional? because he kisses you or does whatever else thing that makes you think he really "cares"? It counts for very little at the end of the day. How is it wrong to be there for someone you care about? That makes no sense! What makes even less sense is to take it upon yourself to look at the situation in that way. What does this have anything to do with you caring? if he doesn't care or want the same thing you want, then what's the point? So unless you're just looking on prolonging the same situation and you really don't care about what happens to the extent that you will panic or freak-out as he doesn't call you and keep in contact to your liking, then go for it. If you're doing this because YOU think it's going somewhere or whatever else, without actually talking to him about anything...then you're a fool in my book and will likely be strung along. Your silence, your passivity is a welcome mat for being strung along. So you think it makes sense to end things before he POSSIBLY ends things? Wow I think now is a good time to figure out whether he even wants more instead of just imagining it, and what the expectations and situation is BEFORE YOU EVEN THINK of trying to stick around for this guy...what makes you think that it's even worth it? just because you care about him? And nobody ever suggested he should quit his job for you, let's go off the ridiculous expectations wagon that no normal and reasonable human being would suggest but you're going to say anything for dramatic effect and like it makes your "point" stronger...whatever. What if you ask him if he's interested in a relationship and he says he's thanks but no thanks? then what? I know for a lot of women, although they understand men as much as a squirrel understands the laws of physics, they still for some reason develop this blind confidence based off absolutely very little...you have to realize at the end of the day, what you give for free is usually taken for free. So don't whine and cry about it if it doesn't turn into him doing this or that for you in return, you're not asking for anything in return and you're not really doing anything to prevent yourself from being strung in that big hope you're going to win the romance lotto...and ridiculously, you're already thinking this is some kind of one-woman challenge to stand by your man, when the man isn't yours...he could go sleep with another woman tonight and and the end of the day what could you say? you thought you were exclusive? Not to mention this guy might have many issues you know nothing about, because you've only known him for 3 months...but you're all willing to just "go for it", because women want to believe he's only single or with anyone because YOU haven't came along. Edited October 14, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 Ok, first, I know we are dating exclusively because we have talked about it. So now I should have a general distrust of what he says? Next, when we talked about his busy season it was before his busy season was near...and he didn't say, I'm going to be too busy to talk or date. We were talking about his job in general so back then, should I have said well jeez you are not going to be able to talk to me or call me or whatever, so let's end things right now. Why should he stay he wants me to stay if there was no talk of me leaving? How am I being passive? I'm going based off his actions and his words. Again, should I have a general distrust? Honestly, tell me why I should end things. Because maybe I'm blind as you say and I just don't see it. He treats me with respect, told me we are dating exclusively, always makes time for me when he is busy, even if its just for a second and he is very open with me. Are you trying to tell me that just because I feel the way I do, doesn't mean he feels the way...even though we have talked about it? What are these obvious signs that you see that I'm not seeing?
Gaeta Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 It's not a bad attitude, it's the reality...why are you taking this as some "personal challenge"? Did he ask her to wait for him? did he offer to be in a relationship? Did he try to encourage the fact that he will be busy but make every effort to spend time with her? Did he make her feel like a priority in any way? And you think this is him about "working hard"? a lot of people work hard, but they make efforts for things they really want to keep around. You don't take it upon yourself as some great deed and challenge, they don't even have a "relationship" yet....what makes you think this is anything but a modified FWB scenario? People would rather come up with their own little crazy ideas and theories on things rather than talking to the other person....because they're scared the other person isn't going to want the same thing, so let's just "wait, and give things a chance...prove yourself" No, no, by all means come up with your own little ideas about this based off someone else you know who does that, because clearly they're working the same job in the exact situation...funny how important it is for everyone to be individuals except for situations people want to relate to in a positive way...THEN it's the same "sticking by her man" at month 3, what a joke...and I'm sure she'll make every excuse in the world on top of it for him, rather than hearing it out of his mouth. What the heck did you have for breakfast !! * They are in an exclusive relationship * He is warning her their routine will change because of this temporary work schedule * He won't be able to make time, and he told her. And yes it happens, ever tried to date an accountant during tax season? Most time they will sleep at the office. It's not made up. * This is not about him suddenly being too busy for her. This is about a very specific rush at work. It's temporary. * Yes people stick by each other after 3 months. I had a man stick by me after 3 weeks dating! 2
Gloria25 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Ok, I'm sorry, but I don't see how a couple can be "exclusive" w/o having a "title"? This is contradictory. How can the question of "titles" be raised if the discussion of the couple being "exclusive" was already had? Maybe another discussion should take place as to what "exclusive" means to either party...cuz, IMO, her "status" in the RL dictates whether or not he sees it as important to make time for her. But, I'll play Devil's Advocate and say they are officially bf/gf AND are exclusive. If him putting you to the side when he works long hours is part of his MO, then you need to decide if that's what you want. Some women marry doctors, well, they marry them knowing that he may not be home at 5 for dinner. BTW, IMO, this isn't a "stand by your man" moment. This is some guy you're dating for 3 months. Unless he's my husband or some guy I'm serious about, I don't see why I have to "stand" by him for anything. 1
Author WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 Ok, I'm sorry, but I don't see how a couple can be "exclusive" w/o having a "title"? This is contradictory. How can the question of "titles" be raised if the discussion of the couple being "exclusive" was already had? Maybe another discussion should take place as to what "exclusive" means to either party...cuz, IMO, her "status" in the RL dictates whether or not he sees it as important to make time for her. But, I'll play Devil's Advocate and say they are officially bf/gf AND are exclusive. If him putting you to the side when he works long hours is part of his MO, then you need to decide if that's what you want. Some women marry doctors, well, they marry them knowing that he may not be home at 5 for dinner. BTW, IMO, this isn't a "stand by your man" moment. This is some guy you're dating for 3 months. Unless he's my husband or some guy I'm serious about, I don't see why I have to "stand" by him for anything. OK but if they married a doctor, they dated the doctor or dated the med student, right? So they probably had to go through that at one point in time while they were dating?
GemmaUK Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 I say ride it through with him but remember that even if you don't get as much attention as you would normally like that he is still contacting you to check in. I have a demanding job too but my longer hours begin in a few weeks time and ease off (usually) around April. I will need to do some negotiation on my role next year as my hours became pretty much unworkable this year and willbe the same next year due to clashing priorities down to the timelines set by our US sector. My LT ex was always fantastic and supportive of when I had to work long hours and weekends etc. and I was the same with him. We lived together though so it was easier I guess. My last ex (LD and notliving together).....crikey! I was forever in trouble as he just didn't understand. I'm an Accountant (broad spectrum title for what I actually do) and my last ex was a trucker and didn't see office work as demanding at all (it is not physical so he said it was not 'real work'. He thought I made tea, answered the phone and filed my nails (seriously!). Idiot! Being supportive can be as simple as checking in but going off and doing your own thing and just not worrying if the busy one doesn't always have the energy to contact you. This sounds rough, I know that. But if I am dating I want to be happy and save my energy for our date night rather than half kill myself calling at silly o'clock each night instead of eating, sleeping and just getting myself through the nasty times. It's no reflection on who I am dating at all. See how it goes! He has warned you about it beforehand and two months is not long at all in the scheme of things. I wouldn't throw a great guy away due to him being busy.
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