temple001 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Hi Everyone, This is my first post, so bare with me, Ill ask the question first. What should i do? how can i win her back? Here is my story, Let me start by saying me and my ex had been together 3 years. we have a 2 year old son together. I becomes depressed, Lost my job, we argued all the time. I took her to paris and had a great time with her. I LOVE HER. When we got back i took a turn for the worse. i ended our relationship by accident. in a text argument in the heat of the moment, after telling her i needed a break. (i didn't mean a break from our relationship i meant a break from all the stresses of the relationship and just wanted a few days to sort myself out.) in the heat of this argument she gave me the predicament that we are together or we are not. I was angry i said no. (didn't mean it). i ignored her for a week and sorted myself out. i now have a job and have decided on which career path i am taking. I have begged for her back and she's having none of it. all i want is to try and be a family. spend a bit more time with her and my son and hopefully things can change for the better. however, i know she is talking to other guys and it breaks my heart. i constantly think about her and i have friends who live very close to her so i notice when her car has moved ect... i don't mean to. I'm not stalking her but she says i am. and that really hurts. its just because i care so deeply about her i don't know what to do. I know this probably makes no sense to anyone but i feel like i need to say it all and hopefully someone may understand the situation i am in. She says to me that i have pushed her away. how can i pull her back towards me without making things worse. I've asked her to go for a drink with me but she seems to think that it will always just end in an argument. it feels like she has blamed everything that has gone wrong in her life on me. She says to me that i used to make a joke out of her for going to the gym and it really hurt her. however this makes it look like she is only concentrating on the things that i have done to upset her. she isn't looking at the things she has said to me that have upset me in the past. for example: whenever we went out to a nightclub and a random guy started talking to her (i trusted her to tell him no) she always said no to them. ALWAYS she is not a cheat or a slag. however. when these guys would see me and tell her that she could do better then me she would tell me they had said that. it really hurt. another thing she would do is say i have a big nose. no one has ever mentioned i have a big nose until she said it. (she was joking at first) but obviously my friends (other men) who are all laddish and take the piss had started saying it as well. which although i know she was joking when she said it, they have worn me down to not really care about my appearance. i don't know what to do. i love her and my son so much and it breaks my heart to think that now i have grown up and accepted what i have in life she has now decided the next 16+ years of my relationship with my son for me. it feels like there is nothing i can do about it. please can no one say to me that if i want to see my son all the time i should try and get custody or anything like that. thats not going to happen. SHE IS THE BEST MUM I COULD THINK OF. i love the fact she puts the needs of our son first at all times and i would never ever try and take him away from her. (unless she wanted me to obviously) but i just want to be a family and i don't know what to do. any advice would be great to me. anything. i have been given advice by her sister (also like a sister to me) and her mum and dad. i just can't seem to accept that she doesn't want me right now and it just makes me so upset that she has given up on our relationship. i never meant to break up with her in the first place. how can someone you love so much just change they're mind in the space of a day? what should i do? sometimes i think to myself i still love her and want to be a family. and other times she says things like calls me a stalker and i just think she can do what she wants and that i hate her. should i try and hate her for a while and just see if she comes back? people have said to me that she needs to see that I'm happy (maybe with someone else) but i don't want anyone else but her. she's beautiful. can someone please help. i know this whole thread is a bit jumbled but I've just typed as things have come into my head. thanks. Joe.
d0nnivain Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Never ever have a conversation about emotional stuff via text. Part of why she won't talk to you is that you broke up with her via text. Send her some flowers & an apology. Makes sure she knows you paid for the flowers with money from your new job. Wait a day call her & ask to talk. Talk about how much you love her & that you want to be a family. Reach out for her parents, your child's grandparents & get them involved. I would not advise this but for your child. The fact that in a short span she is already with other men doesn't bode well for a reconciliation. Contact a lawyer & learn about your rights & responsibilities to your child. 2
eye of the storm Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Ill ask the question first. What should i do? how can i win her back? You can't, she is not a prize a the fair. I becomes depressed, Lost my job, we argued all the time. Have you gotten help or treatment for your depression? Living/loving someone who is dealing with depression and not getting help drains you and maybe she is tired of dealing with the drama. When we got back i took a turn for the worse. i ended our relationship by accident. in a text argument in the heat of the moment, after telling her i needed a break. (i didn't mean a break from our relationship i meant a break from all the stresses of the relationship and just wanted a few days to sort myself out.) Doesn't matter what you meant, what matters is what you said and what she understood. in the heat of this argument she gave me the predicament that we are together or we are not. I was angry i said no. (didn't mean it). Doesn't matter what you meant, what matters is what you said and what she understood. i ignored her for a week and sorted myself out. i now have a job and have decided on which career path i am taking. Congratulations. keep working on that path I have begged for her back and she's having none of it. all i want is to try and be a family. spend a bit more time with her and my son and hopefully things can change for the better. The more you beg the worse it will get. Show thru your actions you have changed. She will come back or she wont, but you will have a better relationship with her and your son. however, i know she is talking to other guys and it breaks my heart. i constantly think about her and i have friends who live very close to her so i notice when her car has moved ect... i don't mean to. I'm not stalking her but she says i am. and that really hurts. You are spending more time than you want to admit watching her car. If she says you are stalking her I would bet you constantly ask her about her car moving and where she was etc, to her it is stalking so it doesn't matter (again) how you think she should feel about it. You feel hurt, she feels stalked. its just because i care so deeply about her i don't know what to do. Back off, heal yourself, figure out why you and she got into such a dysfunctional relationship where you both felt it was ok to treat each other the way you did. Come back to the table a healthier stronger person and she may after awhile believe the changes and come back. Or you may find someone you are better off with and you will just have a healthy co-parenting relationship with her. She says to me that i have pushed her away. how can i pull her back towards me without making things worse. I've asked her to go for a drink with me but she seems to think that it will always just end in an argument. it feels like she has blamed everything that has gone wrong in her life on me. Right now she has all her defenses up. No words you tell her are going to help. Actions, over a long time, are the only thing that will help. Respecting her choices and getting yourself to a better place. She may come back in a while, she may have moved on. She says to me that i used to make a joke out of her for going to the gym and it really hurt her. Maybe it did. Stop doing that. however this makes it look like she is only concentrating on the things that i have done to upset her. she isn't looking at the things she has said to me that have upset me in the past. We all look at this from our own perspectives. You look at it from yours she looks at it from hers. i love her and my son so much and it breaks my heart to think that now i have grown up and accepted what i have in life she has now decided the next 16+ years of my relationship with my son for me. it feels like there is nothing i can do about it. You changed your mind. You have to understand that she has the right to decide that you and she are not healthy together. Stop fighting to get her back and respect her choices. Get yourself where you need to be and maybe you two might come back together. Later. but i just want to be a family and i don't know what to do. You can be a family, just right now you are a dad that lives one place and she is a mom that lives somewhere else. It is a common family dynamic. i never meant to break up with her in the first place. how can someone you love so much just change they're mind in the space of a day? what should i do? She didn't change her mind in the space of a day. This was building up for a long time. Which is why you need to step back. Even now you brush off the amount of arguing you two did. She needs a break from it. Which is why she doesn't want to see you for drinks. should i try and hate her for a while and just see if she comes back? Why would you try to hate the mother of your child? Can you not see how far from reality you are? Hating her will make her even more determined to never be in the same room with you. You want a good relationship with her for your son. Not for you, for your son people have said to me that she needs to see that I'm happy (maybe with someone else) but i don't want anyone else but her. she's beautiful. You need to be healthy and happy for your son. She needs to be healthy and happy for your son. Don't drag someone else into this. If you date date because they interest you. Not to use them to punish or hurt the mother of your child. good luck
preraph Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Since she's saying you're a stalker, I truly don't think you should do anything except give her her space right now. Except for one thing, and that is to show her that you are not a stalker and that you are sincere and respect her wishes for you to leave her the F alone right now. Write her one short note saying you respect her wishes and tell her you are going to not contact her for 3 months to prove you are not a stalker type. Do kid exchanges through a third party during this time, a grandma or something. Leave her alone. Prove to her you're not a stalker. At the end of three months, ask her if she'd consider talking about the relationship again. If she says no, it's over and you need to respect it. You have to show her respect and continuing to harangue her is very disrespectful. Putting further pressure on her by disrespecting her and trying to use her own relatives or friends against her is textbook stalking behavior, I so if you want to ease her mind about you being a stalker, don't do that. Meanwhile, concentrate on working and sending money to help her with expenses with your kids and don't falter on that and expect to get anywhere because not doing that is a cardinal sin. 1
Gloria25 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Even though you're the "guy" in this situation, I'm pretty much gonna give the same advice I gave in the other thread which is - to STOP the things you know are putting her off and be consistent in the things you KNOW you need to do to get yourself sorted out and be a good father. While I believe you do need some space from her, you have a son and don't believe you should stop seeing your son. Your son needs you. But, I think seeing/visiting your son can be an opportunity to show her you're no longer clingy, insecure, and that you're getting your act together. When you come to see your son, I'm sure you two might have casual convo (and you can probably show how you got your act together), and how you act (i.e. not sneaking up to her house) will show her you have made changes in yourself.
Recommended Posts