What makes for a stable marriage article

[Frank2thepoint]

Not sure if this is the correct thread to place this.

 

I found an article that lists seven factors that makes a successful marriage. Some are understandable. There are two that are contradicting. If you have more guests, and people that support your marriage, at your wedding, the more it will be a successful marriage. But the more money you spend on a wedding, the chance of divorce increases.

 

Also, I'm disappointed that couples that elope, or have small weddings, tend to have the marriage fall apart. I always thought eloping was very romantic.

 

What makes for a stable marriage?

[Arieswoman]

IMO, what makes a stable marriage is if the partners themselves are "stable"........

[d0nnivain]

To me many but not all of those factors came back to planning. Others have to do with lifestyle choices. If you are always fighting about money it's going to undermine other aspects of your marriage but if the finances are OK & you aren't stressed about money, you can spend more time being in love.

[Redhead14]

Not sure if this is the correct thread to place this.

 

I found an article that lists seven factors that makes a successful marriage. Some are understandable. There are two that are contradicting. If you have more guests, and people that support your marriage, at your wedding, the more it will be a successful marriage. But the more money you spend on a wedding, the chance of divorce increases.

 

Also, I'm disappointed that couples that elope, or have small weddings, tend to have the marriage fall apart. I always thought eloping was very romantic.

 

What makes for a stable marriage?

 

Stability in a marriage is about about two stable individuals coming together for a common goal. If the marriage falls apart because they eloped or spent a lot of money on a wedding, there was something else that wasn't right.

[Shepp]

We had a lot of people at our wedding! I didn't want to have to choose between people so we had everyone! But it was all outdoors mostly, had a barn for the ceremony, hired a hog roast & some fair games and whatnot - wasn't too expensive at all - who knew that that's that, job done on the stable marriage front haha!

[Gloria25]

I'm a big fan of Dr. Laura and her thing is "Choose wisely and treat kindly"...

 

That being said, there are little sub-parts that fall under that statement...

 

About the article you posted? You know what I like about surveys, statistics, etc? It's that people don't realize that there is bias (i.e. Pepsi conducting or supporting a study of how many people hate Coca Cola - duh, to get more Pepsi customers)...and, that the results of a survey, study, statistic is based on things that can be manipulated to produce a certain result - i.e. size, sample, location, etc.

 

WHAT I DO AGREE WITH:

 

-People who go to church are less likely to divorce, cuz IMO, the church seems to impose a higher incentive for people to stay together (i.e. embarrassment, promises made to family, friends)...I mean, some religions even put people through hoops to get divorce and/or divorce is not allowed.

 

But, I believe the more a couple have in common (religion being one of them) the stronger the glue is to keep them together.

 

-The longer you date, the more you get to know about the person before marrying them. IMO, it takes 1 1/2 - 2 years (before you propose) for people to really, really show you who they are, so rushing into marriage takes you away from learning about them.

 

Also, LDRs don't count. You gotta be near/around them enough to get to see them at their best and worst. LDRs you only get to see what you see when you visit them.

 

Also, shacking up doesn't count. People use the excuse that they want to see how living with the person is gonna be like. I say you need to pay attention to how they keep their home when you visit them. IMO, shacking up isn't like marriage. For one, you might be on your best behavior cuz you want that person to marry you. Besides, IMO, shacking up is just what a lot of people use cuz they want to get the benefits of marriage w/o the commitment. And, there are studies to show that people who shack up usually end up divorced soon after.

 

-The more people you have supporting the marriage, the better. Now, I don't believe "how" he presented this statement, cuz he based it on how many people attended the wedding.

 

I think family and friends have sorta an "objective" view of what you may not be seeing in that person you plan to marry (unless you have toxic friends/family) and that's why back in the day people used to seek their parent's "blessing". It's not about asking permission. You're asking for those people, in their infinite wisdom that they gained over their years, if whether or not they approve of you to get married (in other words, are you making a mistake).

 

Also, after you get married, you gotta deal with the family and YOU WILL NEED THEM. In the U.S. people don't live close to family, but that's not how I was raised and now I see why. Sometimes you need family to help you watch the kids and having grandma/grandpa, aunts/uncles, etc. around is great. I encouraged one of my siblings to get a home near me and it was great cuz mum watched the kids - which gave them a break at times....and, I would (and still) go to their home and help them work on it. They come over to eat, drink, party and vice-versa. I even was there to support the wife and kids when my sibling was not able to be home cuz of his job.

 

-How much you spend on the wedding. Yup, cuz IMO, most women just want to have their freakin' day in a freakin' dress. You'd think after 18, they'd mature and realize that Barbies are used to live out those fantasies. Or Halloween.

 

WHAT I DON'T AGREE WITH:

 

-Your attitude about your partner. Yes, I'm not some superficial person and I agree that over time you just overlook certain things about your partner. One guy I was with, there was a time like got a bad hair cut and I rolled my eyes, but by then we were with each other so long that I'm not gonna loose attraction over some stupid hair cut. I just told him don't do that again.

 

Now, but I see too many partners (or one of them) get laxed. They gain weight, pick their nose in front of their partner, don't greet their man from work smelling like perfume and wearing something cute...And, at that point, IMO, the romance is dead and you're roommates. I also think it's selfish not to take care of yourself for your partner.

 

Same with the "wealth" of your partner. If when you got married, you both agreed on one or both people working, then one of you changes your mind. Not fair. Also, if you don't work and aren't raising kids? Then what good are you? Who's attracted to that?. A gf of a gf says she's bored at home (the kids are all big and one is in school)....so, she spends her husband's money to keep her entertained. Well, why not volunteer? Why not do something for others besides wasting your husband's hard earned money?

 

Also, if you have a wife and kids, this isn't the time for you to "pursue your dreams". Working (especially for certain people or career fields) sucks. But, you chose to take on responsibilities and you have no right to turn your back on that cuz you're 'not happy at your job'. Besides, IMO, work is a means to an end (getting paid). Your wife should be making your life outside of work so great that you're wiling to tolerate shoveling poop to be able to come home to her, play with the kids and/or have a beer with your friends on the weekends.

 

-Whether or not you had a honeymoon? Really? So many people are having sex before they get married and/or are going on vacation together. How is having a honeymoon or not gonna make a difference? I think honeymoons - back in the day when people actually married virgins were "special"...I'm not sure if that's the same today. I mean, what is there to celebrate? You both already been having sex...BTW, same goes for the "white dress"....IMO, you should be wearing like an "off-white" dress if you already have been doing the nasty.

 

-How much money you make. I think that when you're not wealthy, you might have a stronger marriage cuz you probably: (1) Didn't get married cuz of status or that person's money; and/or, (2) A RL gets stronger when you two struggle and can work as a team to raise your family.

 

It took me a while after I got out of the military to see why they made us do certain stupid things. They wanted to test and build teamwork...and, you felt stronger when you came together to figure out how to cross a river or carry a fallen buddy on your back. Same goes for a marriage. If you two have goals and may not be rich, but work hard and "build" something together (not have a bunch of kids and/or spend w/o not knowing where/how your next dime is coming from) you can look back and be proud of what you two did together...."It's "us" against the world".

 

On top of some people marrying so they can get a certain last name and/or that person's wealth. I think some reasons wealthy people don't divorce is: cuz they pretty much knew the deal from day one (I only want your money/status) and they live separate lives - so they can keep up appearances; and, divorce is expensive and they will loose much.

 

Sorry for the rant, but I guess I needed to say what I'm sayin'

Edited October 14, 2014 by Gloria25

[StanMusial]

We had a lot of people at our wedding! I didn't want to have to choose between people so we had everyone! But it was all outdoors mostly, had a barn for the ceremony, hired a hog roast & some fair games and whatnot - wasn't too expensive at all - who knew that that's that, job done on the stable marriage front haha!

 

I have a feeling it's related to family support. I have noticed before and others have confirmed it as well.

 

I don't have a choice, just my immediate family alone is quite larger than average.

 

I agree with a lot of the findings like the other poster but the article didn't explain the items like I would.

Edited October 14, 2014 by StanMusial

[Gloria25]

To add to my rant...

 

I think people when it comes to "choosing wisely" decide to marry based on "emotions" and "good times" (we go to the movies, have sex and have fun, so we're a match)....and, they are not pragmatic. They don't seriously discuss all the "unsexy/unfun" things (i.e. religion, how to raise the kids, bills, goals, etc.) AND, when they get married and "life" hits them, they fall out. So, pre-marital counseling, IMO, is good to sort out all the pragmatic stuff.

 

Also, emotions fade. They may not realize that RLs take work. Sometimes you "have" to make a "date nite" to just be like you were before you got married and/or had kids and keep the marriage alive and keep yourselves into each other.

[Shepp]

I have a feeling it's related to family support. I have noticed before and others have confirmed it as well.

 

I don't have a choice, just my immediate family alone is quite larger than average.

 

I agree with a lot of the findings like the other poster but the article didn't explain the items like I would.

 

Yeah I agree, for some reason it does seem like its somehow easier for a couple to call it quits after marriage vows swore to each other on a beach somewhere exotic than a commitment pledged in front of all your family and oldest friends, the peoples who's opinion matters most to you.

 

I have the same thing - a big, close family, plus I've lived in the same place my whole life so a lot of longstanding old friends, however that did mean that the numbers were heavily weighed on my side compared to my wifes. My wifes only family is her dad and he never really supported me, or her to be honest, nor did he come to the wedding, so using wedding guest numbers as a way to gauge family support can be skewed pretty easily, though I get the logic behind it.

[salparadise]

The guy is admittedly a data tinkerer. Finding irrelevant correlations in a data set is easy. Proving causal relationships is much more difficult, and he doesn't even attempt to dig that deep. I believe it's mostly personality characteristics of the two people; how hard they try, how tolerant, unselfish and accepting they are, how skilled they are at nurturing and the inherent dedication they have toward each other and the relationship. Having realistic expectations, positive regard, low entitlement attitudes, being flexible and adaptive. Some of the lifestyle factors in the article probably have secondary correlations with some personality characteristics, but that still doesn't really make the data useful in a a practical sense at the individual level. I prefer to keep my focus on the human aspects.