tripped Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 The girl I've been dating long distance for the past 3 months moved to my city about a week and a half ago. However, she has been seemingly avoiding me since she arrived, although she still texts or calls almost every day. She has said she is stressed, and so I gave her space over the weekend. Today we met for coffee to talk, and she said that she felt like I was being smothering. She started bringing up several situations over the last month that I got "mad" which I told her was simply not true (I have definitely been upset about her distance, but not the things she brought up). I said that I felt like I deserved to know why she doesn't seem to care about seeing me, to which she just kept replying "I want to be in a relationship, but we are not IN a relationship, so I don't see why you feel like I owe you an explanation." I told her that I thought that was unfair. I then asked if she actually wants a relationship, given that her actions don't seem to suggest that, and she just said "I don't know". We then ended the conversation with me saying I was just going to leave her alone, and live my life. If she wants to see me, she can let me know. I really didn't expect to hear from her for another several days, if ever, but sure enough she texted me a few hours later, asking how my night was. We exchanged a series of lighthearted texts and jokes, and that was it. My question is, my plan was to just stop talking to her until she reached out, but now that she only waited a few hours to actually do that, I'm totally confused.
Assasda Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 This is the most natural thing I've ever heard. The girl likes you, and she's telling you that you should be more of a man. She's telling you to stop being needy and emotional, and to have fun with her. She's telling you that she wants to be the emotional one in the relationship. What you do OP, is - You live your life, - Find hobbies that dont involve your girl. - Stop trying to control her every move - Dont be needy for her attention - Have fun with her and pay attention to what she says. After that you'll be golden This is simple as night and day to me 1
Chemist Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 The girl I've been dating long distance for the past 3 months moved to my city about a week and a half ago. However, she has been seemingly avoiding me since she arrived, although she still texts or calls almost every day. She has said she is stressed, and so I gave her space over the weekend. Today we met for coffee to talk, and she said that she felt like I was being smothering. She started bringing up several situations over the last month that I got "mad" which I told her was simply not true (I have definitely been upset about her distance, but not the things she brought up). I said that I felt like I deserved to know why she doesn't seem to care about seeing me, to which she just kept replying "I want to be in a relationship, but we are not IN a relationship, so I don't see why you feel like I owe you an explanation." I told her that I thought that was unfair. I then asked if she actually wants a relationship, given that her actions don't seem to suggest that, and she just said "I don't know". We then ended the conversation with me saying I was just going to leave her alone, and live my life. If she wants to see me, she can let me know. I really didn't expect to hear from her for another several days, if ever, but sure enough she texted me a few hours later, asking how my night was. We exchanged a series of lighthearted texts and jokes, and that was it. My question is, my plan was to just stop talking to her until she reached out, but now that she only waited a few hours to actually do that, I'm totally confused. I'd drop her like a bad habit. She moved to town, she wants to go fishing to find what she can find. She needs a wing man... or fall guy.. however you want to put it. I'd avoid her and see other people. 2
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Considering y'all were LDD for 3 months and then as soon as she gets here, she wants you to back off. Hmmm...naaahhh drop her. 2
Author tripped Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 I know the smart thing to do would be to recognize the flakiness and cut my losses, but I just can't really give up that easy on this girl. I really care about her, and I recognize that she is stressed, so maybe if I just let her do her thing and I do my thing for awhile, she will realize she's being a little ridiculous and come to me. She even mentioned that she was going to think back on her actions and that maybe she's been acting weirder than she realized. The only thing I don't really know is how to proceed with communication. Should I go NC until she makes the effort to reach out to me? Should I keep up the short and light texting every other day or so? She is still new in town and only has a few friends, so should I invite her along to fun events if I'm going and just let a good time speak for itself? She is going back home for the weekend, so the soonest I would even bother attempting that would be sometime next week anyway....
Chemist Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 I know the smart thing to do would be to recognize the flakiness and cut my losses, but I just can't really give up that easy on this girl. I really care about her, and I recognize that she is stressed, so maybe if I just let her do her thing and I do my thing for awhile, she will realize she's being a little ridiculous and come to me. She even mentioned that she was going to think back on her actions and that maybe she's been acting weirder than she realized. The only thing I don't really know is how to proceed with communication. Should I go NC until she makes the effort to reach out to me? Should I keep up the short and light texting every other day or so? She is still new in town and only has a few friends, so should I invite her along to fun events if I'm going and just let a good time speak for itself? She is going back home for the weekend, so the soonest I would even bother attempting that would be sometime next week anyway.... I'm not the most mature one in the group, but I'd go total passive aggressive. Ignore her, and when she gets mad, tell her you didn't want to smother her. She could actually say how she really feels or stop hanging out with you. Either way sounds like a victory to me.
HappyLove Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 "I want to be in a relationship, but we are not IN a relationship" HELLO!!! Are you not LISTENING to what this girl literally told you?! She wants a relationship but not with you! When she's sitting home bored and needs entertainment your the fool she can text to pass the time. You're not looking for a girl friend your looking for a girlfriend so move on already before she starts texting you about the cute guy she likes. 1
preraph Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 You're going to have to say "I'm sorry. I'm confused. I thought we were dating, but then you made the comment 'but we're not IN a relationship,' so are we dating or not?"
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 You're going to have to say "I'm sorry. I'm confused. I thought we were dating, but then you made the comment 'but we're not IN a relationship,' so are we dating or not?" I agree. You said you guys were dating but maybe she didn't think the same way.
Author tripped Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 You're going to have to say "I'm sorry. I'm confused. I thought we were dating, but then you made the comment 'but we're not IN a relationship,' so are we dating or not?" Sorry, I can see how my description might have been confusing. No, we both knew what we were talking about. Our conversation was very specific. Her saying "I want to be in a relationship, but we are not IN a relationship" was specifically in response to a conversation we had about a month ago where I told her that I was not seeing other people, and wanted to pursue a relationship once she finally moved, and she said we were on the same page. I brought it up in this conversation to make a point that I don't want to be led on if she doesn't feel that way anymore, and she said I like you, I meant what I said, but we are not CURRENTLY in a relationship so if she doesn't feel like seeing me or talking about the stresses in her life, she doesn't have to. I told her that's technically true, but the reason it sucks is that it shows a lack of respect, and expects me to just assume that her avoiding spending time together doesn't also mean that she's not interested anymore. Truthfully, I feel like she is gas lighting me to make it seem like I'm being unreasonable, and not dealing with the real issue which is her stress. 1
HereNorThere Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 She's just making sure that when she drops you, she'll have a reason to blame it on you.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 She's keeping you around but not making you a priority. I have a feeling she'll bail when she meet someone else. How exactly did she say you were smothering her when you've been long-distance, and she's only been in the same city for a few days?
Author tripped Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 She's keeping you around but not making you a priority. I have a feeling she'll bail when she meet someone else. How exactly did she say you were smothering her when you've been long-distance, and she's only been in the same city for a few days? She didn't really. Just that she has a lot going on an she's sorry she "can't be frivolously happy about a guy right now." I told her that I never expected that, but from my point of view, she isn't telling me anything so it's frustrating. And she just said that "I can't tell you what's going on because you will want to help and I don't want help" So... Alright then. The more I think about it, I'm just going to stay NC until she talks to me again. She hasn't contacted me since that night, and I just feel like nothing I can do is going to convince her to go back to being normal other than herself.
singsparkles Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 The girl I've been dating long distance for the past 3 months moved to my city about a week and a half ago. However, she has been seemingly avoiding me since she arrived, although she still texts or calls almost every day. She has said she is stressed, and so I gave her space over the weekend. Today we met for coffee to talk, and she said that she felt like I was being smothering. She started bringing up several situations over the last month that I got "mad" which I told her was simply not true (I have definitely been upset about her distance, but not the things she brought up). I said that I felt like I deserved to know why she doesn't seem to care about seeing me, to which she just kept replying "I want to be in a relationship, but we are not IN a relationship, so I don't see why you feel like I owe you an explanation." I told her that I thought that was unfair. I then asked if she actually wants a relationship, given that her actions don't seem to suggest that, and she just said "I don't know". We then ended the conversation with me saying I was just going to leave her alone, and live my life. If she wants to see me, she can let me know. I really didn't expect to hear from her for another several days, if ever, but sure enough she texted me a few hours later, asking how my night was. We exchanged a series of lighthearted texts and jokes, and that was it. My question is, my plan was to just stop talking to her until she reached out, but now that she only waited a few hours to actually do that, I'm totally confused. I could give you advice, because the girl you're talking about.. I was that exact girl at a couple moments in my life with several guys. I think she cares, but she wishes you were more of a challenge... and it's kind of an immature behavior. I was her when I was in my early 20s big time. It seems she likes you, enjoys you, but wishes you were more of a challenge... because every time you step back, she then calls you again. I did the same thing. If you're really serious and looking for a serious relationship, I would say put her on the back burner for now. She could then realize her feelings for you, or maybe she wont at all. But you don't deserve that kind of behavior. As it is, you're having a long distance relationship. She should be able to talk to you and reassure you even more because of that pure fact, and she isn't, and you deserve the reassurance. I would say definitely step back, give her space and act VERY nonchalantly, almost like you dont care (even though you do) and let her call you a few times and let it go to voicemail and tell her you've been busy for awhile... If she finally breaks down and says she misses you and loves/cares for you and feels dumb for acting the way she did... then you know it was meant to be. Hugs! xxx
Author tripped Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 I could give you advice, because the girl you're talking about.. I was that exact girl at a couple moments in my life with several guys. I think she cares, but she wishes you were more of a challenge... and it's kind of an immature behavior. I was her when I was in my early 20s big time. It seems she likes you, enjoys you, but wishes you were more of a challenge... because every time you step back, she then calls you again. I did the same thing. If you're really serious and looking for a serious relationship, I would say put her on the back burner for now. She could then realize her feelings for you, or maybe she wont at all. But you don't deserve that kind of behavior. As it is, you're having a long distance relationship. She should be able to talk to you and reassure you even more because of that pure fact, and she isn't, and you deserve the reassurance. I would say definitely step back, give her space and act VERY nonchalantly, almost like you dont care (even though you do) and let her call you a few times and let it go to voicemail and tell her you've been busy for awhile... If she finally breaks down and says she misses you and loves/cares for you and feels dumb for acting the way she did... then you know it was meant to be. Hugs! xxx I really appreciate this. Thank you for your insight. I have basically been thinking this for the past couple of days. 1
BlueIris Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 She moved about 10 days ago, so last weekend must have been her first weekend in her new place. Of course she’s stressed. So, did you help her out with moving and unpacking and all the chaos of moving? Last weekend she said she was stressed (her first weekend after move- makes sense to me that she'd be stressed), so you left her alone.
SJC2008 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Don't deal with people whose actions don't match their words. Her telling you you're smothering her plus you backing off should *not* equal her texting you the same day. Girl is a chaser, she wants to pursue. That's not healthy, you need balance. Why should you have to "monitor" yourself so you don't scare her away. Mind you she can have you whenever she reaches out. Drop her and don't look back.
Author tripped Posted October 16, 2014 Author Posted October 16, 2014 She moved about 10 days ago, so last weekend must have been her first weekend in her new place. Of course she’s stressed. So, did you help her out with moving and unpacking and all the chaos of moving? Last weekend she said she was stressed (her first weekend after move- makes sense to me that she'd be stressed), so you left her alone. Trust me, I tried. I asked several times, even offered to bring over wine and let her relax while I built furniture. She declined, said she felt like everyone was demanding her time, so I didn't reach out again until a few days later.
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