Tayken Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Just because a guy asks you to spend the night after sex doesn't mean he's falling for you. He could want a warm body to snuggle up to sometimes himself. Also if you sleep over that means more sex in the morning. You can't go by this. If you want to know what he's looking for out of the relationship just ask him. Also tell him what you want and expect because mind reading is for psychics. You know what? You are bang on with these points. We've heard time and time again on here people saying..." he asked me to stay the night, we did this and we did that". That is all fine and dandy, but if the only conversation that took place was the horizontal Olympics, then it doesn't mean diddly squat. @OP....it really easy to figure out. You can start by looking at how the person communicates i.e. are they really engaging, do they listen to you when you speak, do they have anything else to say that isn't just sex related i.e. innuendo? Additionally, are they self-centered i.e. everything out of their mouth if of the fluff type. Well of course all this is hard to detect if all you are focused on is just looks, and how you wish you were in bed already. I think this is the downfall for most women. It becomes a matter of yeah he has the looks, now lets go to bed so I can tell my little friends about it on Farcebook, so they can 'like' my post.
dynamicboy Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 (edited) I can't tell if this guy only wants me for sex or likes me more than that. My gut tells me it's the latter, but I can't always trust my gut - the heart sees what it wants to see. in short, I met him 6 weeks ago and initiated a sorta friends-with-benefits situation. It was never "come over and have sex" kinda thing, but always "hey what are you doing Saturday? Wanna hang out?" more so. We'll do things like go out and have drinks in town, go dancing (not at a club, but a country bar), go for a night swim, etc. All of these things have led to sex by the end of the night, but I can't blame him, because I want it as much as he does. Anyways, on the surface, it seems clear that it's just sex, but I notice that he'll usually spend the night or ask me to spend the night (despite an early work day), cuddle with me, massage my back to help me go to sleep if I ask, talk to me even when he's sleepy, talk to me for hours the morning after if it's the weekend, tells me about his job, his past, etc. He kisses me whenever we part. He's very introverted and terrible at texting, but when I told him that I didn't like how he takes long to reply, he immediately made an effort to text me more. Do you think he likes me emotionally too or is it just physical? He hasn't really strayed much from our arrangement but I think it's because I confuse him? For instance, I've casually mentioned about guys I find attractive, joked about him hooking up with other girls, and a guy who likes me has called me several times at night while he was over.. He's leaving soon for an 8-month deployment and I want to express to him how I feel. I've never felt more happy than being around him, especially when we talk and joke outside the bedroom. I'm just afraid my feelings for him are unrequited.. Maybe guys only act this way because sex is the endgame. Girl, 1) We all boys want sex. There is no man (alive) who does not want sex 2) Sex is always desired and welcome at anytime in our lives (Im sure same goes for women but few are willing to openly recognize it) 3) Most of the time it is not that we "just want sex and nothing else". Most likely we want more tan just sex, but if we get sex such is reason and motivation enough to keep the relationship alive, (as long as the tradeoff is not too high, say you deal with a crazy, over-demanding, gold-digger, bi-polar woman) 4) You seem to care too much whether he likes you emotionally. I say this, why don't you just ask him about that? As simple as that. I give you an example "You know sweetheart, I feel strongly about you, for me it is a deep emotion so I want to know if you have feelings for me? Or is it just sex and fun what you feel about me?" 5) But lets say your worst nightmares get real, he is there just because of sex. Ok, what's wrong with that? It proves you are a beautiful, attractive woman and a great lover and he is hooked to you. You should feel great about that. Besides, you must realize sex is not simply a physical experience, it is a complex experience. 6) On continuing with your nightmare comes true (it is, he is with you just exclusively because of sex), then, even under this "horrible" scenario, there is a likelihood (though certainly not a warranty, just a likelihood) that he eventually develops more complex feelings for you. It has happened before and can happen again. There are great relationships that started as "just sex" or "friends with rights" and end up with being great love lasting committed relationships. This lead me to next point 7) There are no warranties in life and certainly no warranties in love. "Warranty" is a human invention. On the other hand "Life", "Sex" and "Love" are mother nature's (or God's) inventions. 8) I wish women stop worrying about "does he want me only for sex? Or is he for real?" You find out and it takes time to find out. Which leads me to next point 9) Life and love means RISK! There are always risk in life and certainly there are risks in love. There is no avoiding that. You must risk yourself, otherwise nothing will come. I wish women realize whatever relationship they get into it means RISK and there is no avoiding that. We men are used to risk at every step we make when we approach women but we are so used such is life that we don't even think about it. 10) My personal advice: discuss with your lover. Chances are he is not 100% sure what he feels about you and chances are he will answer you with nice words to avoid hurting you. But you must take risk and try to make the best out of the momento you both are living. You only have this life and you only have this moment. Live it intensely and don't worry "is he with me for sex? does he love me?" Waste of time. Time will tell!! 11) A final note: always protect yourself against STD. One thing is to take reasonable risks, quite another is to expose your life in an irresponsible and unreasonable way! Edited October 15, 2014 by dynamicboy
MissBee Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Sounds like the perfect timing for him, and the worst timing for you. Just because he's taking you out and treating you like a human being, does not mean he wants a relationship. If you don't know where he stands, and you're too scared to ask...chances are this is not going into a relationship. If you ask him about a relationship, chances are he will dance around the question. The bold is so true! Not every man is going to sleep with you and then treat you like a leper. A man may not want a relationship with you but like you as a person, likes hanging out, likes talking and likes sleeping with you. I've had a FWB who was that way with me and initially I was confused by it, as we hung out, we did stuff, spoke on the phone for hours, had sex, but he didn't want to be in an exclusive relationship with me. My rule of thumb is: don't have sex first and let things carry on then try to ask questions later. I don't think this works most times and usually just sets you up for disappointment. I like to be sure of what we're doing and NOT doing from the beginning so I can organize my feelings around what it is and isn't early on. If I know I want a relationship, I let that be established first. I don't just sleep with a guy and hope one day he asks me to be his gf. 1
Author PinkCarnations Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 Girl, 1) We all boys want sex. There is no man (alive) who does not want sex 2) Sex is always desired and welcome at anytime in our lives (Im sure same goes for women but few are willing to openly recognize it) 3) Most of the time it is not that we "just want sex and nothing else". Most likely we want more tan just sex, but if we get sex such is reason and motivation enough to keep the relationship alive, (as long as the tradeoff is not too high, say you deal with a crazy, over-demanding, gold-digger, bi-polar woman) 4) You seem to care too much whether he likes you emotionally. I say this, why don't you just ask him about that? As simple as that. I give you an example "You know sweetheart, I feel strongly about you, for me it is a deep emotion so I want to know if you have feelings for me? Or is it just sex and fun what you feel about me?" 5) But lets say your worst nightmares get real, he is there just because of sex. Ok, what's wrong with that? It proves you are a beautiful, attractive woman and a great lover and he is hooked to you. You should feel great about that. Besides, you must realize sex is not simply a physical experience, it is a complex experience. 6) On continuing with your nightmare comes true (it is, he is with you just exclusively because of sex), then, even under this "horrible" scenario, there is a likelihood (though certainly not a warranty, just a likelihood) that he eventually develops more complex feelings for you. It has happened before and can happen again. There are great relationships that started as "just sex" or "friends with rights" and end up with being great love lasting committed relationships. This lead me to next point 7) There are no warranties in life and certainly no warranties in love. "Warranty" is a human invention. On the other hand "Life", "Sex" and "Love" are mother nature's (or God's) inventions. 8) I wish women stop worrying about "does he want me only for sex? Or is he for real?" You find out and it takes time to find out. Which leads me to next point 9) Life and love means RISK! There are always risk in life and certainly there are risks in love. There is no avoiding that. You must risk yourself, otherwise nothing will come. I wish women realize whatever relationship they get into it means RISK and there is no avoiding that. We men are used to risk at every step we make when we approach women but we are so used such is life that we don't even think about it. 10) My personal advice: discuss with your lover. Chances are he is not 100% sure what he feels about you and chances are he will answer you with nice words to avoid hurting you. But you must take risk and try to make the best out of the momento you both are living. You only have this life and you only have this moment. Live it intensely and don't worry "is he with me for sex? does he love me?" Waste of time. Time will tell!! 11) A final note: always protect yourself against STD. One thing is to take reasonable risks, quite another is to expose your life in an irresponsible and unreasonable way! Thanks for the input. Initially, I was going to cease communication with him and start detaching myself, but I think I will go ahead and ask him before he leaves this weekend. Better to get rejected and have peace of mind than to keep wondering..
Author PinkCarnations Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 The bold is so true! Not every man is going to sleep with you and then treat you like a leper. A man may not want a relationship with you but like you as a person, likes hanging out, likes talking and likes sleeping with you. I've had a FWB who was that way with me and initially I was confused by it, as we hung out, we did stuff, spoke on the phone for hours, had sex, but he didn't want to be in an exclusive relationship with me. My rule of thumb is: don't have sex first and let things carry on then try to ask questions later. I don't think this works most times and usually just sets you up for disappointment. I like to be sure of what we're doing and NOT doing from the beginning so I can organize my feelings around what it is and isn't early on. If I know I want a relationship, I let that be established first. I don't just sleep with a guy and hope one day he asks me to be his gf. Not having sex with a guy on the first meet or too soon is a given. I know a lot of the comments keep mentioning that, and I trust me, I know this already. He was my first ONS, and the reason why I decided to sleep with him right away was because he had told me was deploying soon when I first met him. He also was the one hitting on me and considering I hadn't had sex in a year, my friends think I'm a prude, he was attractive, I figured why not, let's invite the cute guy I just met to my apartment that night. Somehow he still asked me to go out the following week and the rest is history. Over time, after talking to him a lot (and to answer some other comments, we talk about mostly non-sexual stuff like hobbies, how our week was, funny stories, etc), I started to really enjoy his company. I can't say if the feelings are mutual or if it's just because I was his FWB.. Hence the reason for this thread.
Arieswoman Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Tayken, You are a cheeky so-and-so .... I know "hangouts" happen in the UK especially in Liverpool where there is nowt to do unlike London (you see the Norf - Sauf divide in me coming out) "Nothing to do" ? Pah !
Author PinkCarnations Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 Responses above Thanks for the insight! Yeah I realize now how confusing I may appear.. But there are things I do that show my interest/affection for him too though - I kiss him a lot.. On the cheek, as were falling asleep together at night - I compliment him about his athleticism & intelligence a good bit - I always make time to hang out with him - I text him a good bit about random things and not to set up times for a hook-up - I don't mention that I'm dating or sleeping with anyone else - it's more like "leonardo Dicaprio is so hot" "my professor is easy on the eyes" "this one guy I dated..." Etc lol - I always ask him questions and talk to him throughout the night and morning after to find out more about him - I constantly give him encouragement because he's really nervous about deployment and being away for so long
dynamicboy Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I can't tell if this guy only wants me for sex or likes me more than that. My gut tells me it's the latter, but I can't always trust my gut - the heart sees what it wants to see. in short, I met him 6 weeks ago and initiated a sorta friends-with-benefits situation. It was never "come over and have sex" kinda thing, but always "hey what are you doing Saturday? Wanna hang out?" more so. We'll do things like go out and have drinks in town, go dancing (not at a club, but a country bar), go for a night swim, etc. All of these things have led to sex by the end of the night, but I can't blame him, because I want it as much as he does. Anyways, on the surface, it seems clear that it's just sex, but I notice that he'll usually spend the night or ask me to spend the night (despite an early work day), cuddle with me, massage my back to help me go to sleep if I ask, talk to me even when he's sleepy, talk to me for hours the morning after if it's the weekend, tells me about his job, his past, etc. He kisses me whenever we part. He's very introverted and terrible at texting, but when I told him that I didn't like how he takes long to reply, he immediately made an effort to text me more. Do you think he likes me emotionally too or is it just physical? He hasn't really strayed much from our arrangement but I think it's because I confuse him? For instance, I've casually mentioned about guys I find attractive, joked about him hooking up with other girls, and a guy who likes me has called me several times at night while he was over.. He's leaving soon for an 8-month deployment and I want to express to him how I feel. I've never felt more happy than being around him, especially when we talk and joke outside the bedroom. I'm just afraid my feelings for him are unrequited.. Maybe guys only act this way because sex is the endgame. Thanks for the insight! Yeah I realize now how confusing I may appear.. But there are things I do that show my interest/affection for him too though - I kiss him a lot.. On the cheek, as were falling asleep together at night - I compliment him about his athleticism & intelligence a good bit - I always make time to hang out with him - I text him a good bit about random things and not to set up times for a hook-up - I don't mention that I'm dating or sleeping with anyone else - it's more like "leonardo Dicaprio is so hot" "my professor is easy on the eyes" "this one guy I dated..." Etc lol - I always ask him questions and talk to him throughout the night and morning after to find out more about him - I constantly give him encouragement because he's really nervous about deployment and being away for so long Girl, Great, it seems you are a nice and great woman and that's good, he will notice it. From your words, it also seems to me you really care about him and you are truly in love with him. It seems so. However, keep in mind that even the best persons in love in the world are often not loved back... At least, not loved back as much as they love their loved ones. Do keep this in mind. If you are not loved back in spite of all the love and care you genuinely show there is nothing wrong with it. It happens quite often.
Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I won't try too hard. I see no reason to give away the secret recipe. I believe women deserve what they get. I don't mind an occasional laugh with them. There should be no "secret" recipe. Be honest, upfront and accept what people say. They want what they want, an ONS, an FWB or a relationship. Unfortunately, not everyone can do that, thus the need for goals and boundaries for both men and women. Frankly, sex is the only real distinction between friendship and having a relationship. Things that are gotten easily or simply aren't valued as much as things that are earned and shared freely based on trust and respect. Earned is not really the word I want, but you get the gist of what I mean, I hope
Tayken Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Sex is always desired and welcome at anytime in our lives (Im sure same goes for women but few are willing to openly recognize it) Aye Aye.....but there is sex, and then there is SEX. Not all SEX is created equal. I think you meant to say "but few are willing to admit it" in the latter part of your post?
BluEyeL Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 This particular situation is more difficult because the guy is leaving, so there is no point in thinking about a relationship, even if he liked you for more than sex. If he comes back in 8 months and is still interested, and you still single, you can start over. In general though, is very simple. The only way to know if a guy likes you for more than sex is to get to know him for a few months without having sex. Men who are out just for sex will not wait around. Those who really like you and have some moral compass will. Always. If he constantly takes you out for 1-3 months with no sex, you have your answer. The build up and anticipation will also be great. Knowing someone that way is going to put a nice foundation for a relationship. If you sleep with a man immediately, it doesn't mean he won't like you for more, but sex will change the order of things, you won't know, you'll worry, you are in more danger to act emotional, put pressure on him too soon and push him away and then you get to sleep with N+1 people until finally find the one who will stick around. It's really simple, keep your feel on the ground, not in the air. I don't want to date a man whore anyway so this approach always works for me. 2
preraph Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 This isn't what my seventies generation did, and it had its merits, but I would say the only way to know that's not all they want is to make them wait and see if they give up and leave or just keep getting more interested in you. Of course, plenty of guys in that situation will keep squiring you while seeing other girls who do put out, so you have to know they're spending the quality time with you, holidays, etc.
Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 (edited) Dating and gardening have similarities. Sometimes you can't tell the different between a weed and a flower, until the flower actually blooms. There are, however, weeds that will flower too, but they are still bad for your garden. My point is, don't be afraid to date a few weeds. It allows you to study them and learn to distinguish them from flowers sooner. Edited October 15, 2014 by Redhead14 1
Haerts Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 OP, that's kinda hard to know. You both started as FWB, which is something I always avoid because one of the sides usually start getting emotionally involved and then it's all ruined - if you were friends before, that can be even worse. He seems to give you attention, he likes you, that's for sure. But he's going to stay away for 8 months, so would you really like to be in a serious relationship with him? Maybe for the first couple weeks, but soon enough you'll start wanting to have sex or hang out with other guys. If I were you, I'd just enjoy the moments with him and try to keep in touch while he's away. When he comes back, if you're single and he is too, then that's when you two should hang out together again, see if you both still enjoy each other presences and then see how it goes. For now, keep those feelings for you. Even if he feels the same way, a LDR is hard and considering you aren't even a couple in the first place, I can only see it being even harder.
Author PinkCarnations Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 OP, that's kinda hard to know. You both started as FWB, which is something I always avoid because one of the sides usually start getting emotionally involved and then it's all ruined - if you were friends before, that can be even worse. He seems to give you attention, he likes you, that's for sure. But he's going to stay away for 8 months, so would you really like to be in a serious relationship with him? Maybe for the first couple weeks, but soon enough you'll start wanting to have sex or hang out with other guys. If I were you, I'd just enjoy the moments with him and try to keep in touch while he's away. When he comes back, if you're single and he is too, then that's when you two should hang out together again, see if you both still enjoy each other presences and then see how it goes. For now, keep those feelings for you. Even if he feels the same way, a LDR is hard and considering you aren't even a couple in the first place, I can only see it being even harder. You're right. This is exactly what I needed to hear.im following your advice and will wish him well and to be safe.
Recommended Posts