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How to distinguish between guys who only want you for sex.. And..

PinkCarnations

By PinkCarnations
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PinkCarnations Established Member

PinkCarnations

Posted
Posted (edited)

I can't tell if this guy only wants me for sex or likes me more than that. My gut tells me it's the latter, but I can't always trust my gut - the heart sees what it wants to see.

 

in short, I met him 6 weeks ago and initiated a sorta friends-with-benefits situation. It was never "come over and have sex" kinda thing, but always "hey what are you doing Saturday? Wanna hang out?" more so. We'll do things like go out and have drinks in town, go dancing (not at a club, but a country bar), go for a night swim, etc. All of these things have led to sex by the end of the night, but I can't blame him, because I want it as much as he does.

 

Anyways, on the surface, it seems clear that it's just sex, but I notice that he'll usually spend the night or ask me to spend the night (despite an early work day), cuddle with me, massage my back to help me go to sleep if I ask, talk to me even when he's sleepy, talk to me for hours the morning after if it's the weekend, tells me about his job, his past, etc. He kisses me whenever we part. He's very introverted and terrible at texting, but when I told him that I didn't like how he takes long to reply, he immediately made an effort to text me more.

 

Do you think he likes me emotionally too or is it just physical? He hasn't really strayed much from our arrangement but I think it's because I confuse him? For instance, I've casually mentioned about guys I find attractive, joked about him hooking up with other girls, and a guy who likes me has called me several times at night while he was over..

 

He's leaving soon for an 8-month deployment and I want to express to him how I feel. I've never felt more happy than being around him, especially when we talk and joke outside the bedroom. I'm just afraid my feelings for him are unrequited.. Maybe guys only act this way because sex is the endgame.

Edited by PinkCarnations
Assasda Established Member

Assasda

Posted
Posted

I think he likes you Emotionally as well OP.

Good signs are

- He spends the night with you

- Listens to you talking without blowing you off (It might sound trivial, but it matters)

 

I think you can tell him how you feel. Dont make it sappy though :laugh:

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

He knows your bond is not strong enough to survive his deployment so he'd rather not go there.

  • Like 3
dragonfire13 Established Member

dragonfire13

Posted
Posted

He sounds like a decent guy, hence he doesn't just hit it and quit it. He probably likes your company, and not just in sexual manner, which is why you guys end up doing other things that are quite "datey".

 

Is he dating other people? That's a surefire way to tell if he sees this as a casual arrangement and nothing more.

 

The fact that he's going to be deployed in the future means that maybe he's not ready to be in a relationship, but is still enjoying the aspects of a relationship that you provide i.e company, sex.

 

Since you initiated the FwB situation, and enjoy your sexual needs being met, I would continue and see what happens. If down the line you feel you want more, all you can do is express that to him and see if he's willing to go there. Even if it's unrequited, it's better to voice how you feel than to wonder "what if". Even if he's unsure or if it's not the right time now, he at least knows how you feel and the ball is in his court.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Based upon the fact that he's deploying soon, the timing is all wrong. If he brings up trying to do an LDR, fine but I wouldn't raise the subject if I were you.

Tayken Established Member

Tayken

Posted
Posted
He's leaving soon for an 8-month deployment and I want to express to him how I feel.

 

@OP...you admitted in you post that you are attracted to a certain kind of guy, and one of these guys calls you even when you are in the presence of this 6 weeks guy.

 

Additionally, he is deploying for 8 months which means you are not going to be able to see him. Now you honestly have to ask yourself this, are you able to keep yourself to yourself for this period, knowing that it's just easy to hook up with the guy calling you?

 

May be just enjoy the current booty call arrangement, whilst leaving the door open for any future committment?

Ninjainpajamas Established Member

Ninjainpajamas

Posted
Posted

Sounds like the perfect timing for him, and the worst timing for you.

 

Just because he's taking you out and treating you like a human being, does not mean he wants a relationship.

 

If you don't know where he stands, and you're too scared to ask...chances are this is not going into a relationship.

 

If you ask him about a relationship, chances are he will dance around the question.

  • Like 5
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted
How to distinguish between guys who only want you for sex..

 

Don't have sex with them, simple, and see how long they stick around.

 

Make sure they take you out on real "dates", not all this "hanging out" stuff that seems to happen in USA.

Make sure they are interested in you as a person, try engaging in interesting activities with them.

Make sure you are "exclusive" before you have sex.

The more a man invests in you, the more likely he will take you seriously.

 

Just my 6 penneth from "over the pond"

  • Like 1
Tayken Established Member

Tayken

Posted
Posted
not all this "hanging out" stuff that seems to happen in USA.

 

Er....scuse me Scouser, I have to stick up for my adopted fellow North Americans here :D It's not all about hangouts this side of the pond, dates do happen, and hangouts are just (read: foreplay with the intent of getting some)

 

I know "hangouts" happen in the UK especially in Liverpool where there is nowt to do unlike London (you see the Norf - Sauf divide in me coming out) :D

 

Just my 2 cenneth from across the pond via London ;)

  • Like 2
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted

Didn't someone post a similar thread a while back?

 

Anywho, FWB isn't just sex, it's spending time with the other person - which often confuses people (especially females)...So, believe a guy when he says it's not that serious.

 

TWO, he is deploying. I've seen too many guys make the mistake of getting attached and/or married to some chick cuz they want an "anchor" (someone back home who might miss them)....only to come back to find out she was cheating on him cuz not only did they not have a strong bond before he left, but a lot of these chicks are weak, insecure, have no life, lack independence, and get bored quickly when he's gone - so, she starts doing other guys to fill up her "void".

 

I say, please don't mess with his head, let him deploy. Maybe you can be his "pen-pal", send care packages, and when he comes back maybe you two can pick it up where you left it off.

 

With his deployment coming up, I don't blame him for "keeping it lite"...

  • Like 1
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted (edited)
Don't have sex with them, simple, and see how long they stick around.

 

Make sure they take you out on real "dates", not all this "hanging out" stuff that seems to happen in USA.

Make sure they are interested in you as a person, try engaging in interesting activities with them.

Make sure you are "exclusive" before you have sex.

The more a man invests in you, the more likely he will take you seriously.

 

Just my 6 penneth from "over the pond"

 

These are good signs usually, however, I was dating a man for about two months who was doing all of these things. Great dates, spent quite a lot of money. Saturday, we went out for a fabulous dinner. After the date, we were not drunk although it was after midnight, we went to our cars. He seemed very nervous. We had never exchanged a deep kiss, only basically pecks on the lips and good hugs. He takes my face in his hands, says he wants a real kiss. I say Ok, and we do that. He continues to hold my face in his hands, looks me in the eye and says to me, I wanna make love to you, but I'm not good with commitment. I said, the attraction is mutual, but I am not comfortable with doing that without exclusivity at least and we are not at a point where I would even consider that.

 

He said he understood and that he would keep in touch. I don't think I will hear from him again ;0 It's OK. He spent a lot of money for the potential of an ONS. He was honest and direct, I appreciated that anyway. I wanted to say, but didn't, that he'd demonstrated a pretty committed approach to an ONS :)

Edited by Redhead14
  • Like 1
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
These are good signs usually, however, I was dating a man for about two months who was doing all of these things. Great dates, spent quite a lot of money. Saturday, we went out for a fabulous dinner. After the date, we were not drunk although it was after midnight, we went to our cars. He seemed very nervous. We had never exchanged a deep kiss, only basically pecks on the lips and good hugs. He takes my face in his hands, says he wants a real kiss. I say Ok, and we do that. He continues to hold my face in his hands, looks me in the eye and says to me, I wanna make love to you, but I'm not good with commitment. I said, the attraction is mutual, but I am not comfortable with doing that without exclusivity at least and we are not at a point where I would even consider that.

 

He said he understood and that he would keep in touch. I don't think I will hear from him again ;0 It's OK. He spent a lot of money for the potential of an ONS. He was honest and direct, I appreciated that anyway. I wanted to say, but didn't, that he'd demonstrated a pretty committed approach to an ONS :)

]

Oh, and I forgot to mention that he told me that he'd been DATING a woman for 10 years. That was actually my first clue that he has trouble with commitment!

  • Like 2
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

Redhead14,

well at least the guy was honest...

 

A friend of mine saw a guy for 3 months and he did all the "right things", meals out, theatre, days out etc. She didn't ask for "exclusivity" but agreed to have sex with him. He then dumped her.

 

Neither she nor I could understand his modus operandi, it seemed like a big price to pay for a ONS....:confused:

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Redhead14,

well at least the guy was honest...

 

A friend of mine saw a guy for 3 months and he did all the "right things", meals out, theatre, days out etc. She didn't ask for "exclusivity" but agreed to have sex with him. He then dumped her.

 

Neither she nor I could understand his modus operandi, it seemed like a big price to pay for a ONS....:confused:

 

Arieswoman, this MO is called "attracting more flies with honey". And, Conan O'Brien reported on a study that says "some people don't get pissy or emotional over a one night stand . . . these people are called men" :)

  • Like 1
LoneIsland Established Member

LoneIsland

Posted
Posted
Redhead14,

well at least the guy was honest...

 

A friend of mine saw a guy for 3 months and he did all the "right things", meals out, theatre, days out etc. She didn't ask for "exclusivity" but agreed to have sex with him. He then dumped her.

 

Neither she nor I could understand his modus operandi, it seemed like a big price to pay for a ONS....:confused:

 

Sounds like women's wait long enough to see idea didn't work.

 

He did it because he could afford it, not just the money but also the time. Also he could be doing multiple women. Then the time element doesn't matter because he could be with a different woman each day.

  • Like 1
Tayken Established Member

Tayken

Posted
Posted
And, Conan O'Brien reported on a study that says "some people don't get pissy or emotional over a one night stand . . . these people are called men" :)

 

Since when did the Ginger-Whinger become an expert on such matters :confused:

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Sounds like women's wait long enough to see idea didn't work.

 

He did it because he could afford it, not just the money but also the time. Also he could be doing multiple women. Then the time element doesn't matter because he could be with a different woman each day.

 

Yes, I will date a man I'm interested in long enough for me to KNOW what his intentions are. I don't assume every man is looking for an ONS. It's OK, if they are, it's just not what I'm looking for.

 

And, yes, they do it because they can and are likely doing multiple women. If that is the case, I'm not going to expose myself to multiple diseases.

  • Like 1
oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted

 

in short, I met him 6 weeks ago and initiated a sorta friends-with-benefits situation.

 

 

ye reap what ye sew

 

 

 

Do you think he likes me emotionally too or is it just physical?

 

 

i think it's significantly more than just sexual for both of you.

 

 

He hasn't really strayed much from our arrangement but I think it's because I confuse him?

 

 

 

gee do ya think?????????

 

You're really playing a bait and switch here. IMHO you are the player here and the one that is probably being somewhat deceptive and dishonest.

 

 

 

For instance, I've casually mentioned about guys I find attractive, joked about him hooking up with other girls, and a guy who likes me has called me several times at night while he was over..

 

 

play games much?

 

 

 

He's leaving soon for an 8-month deployment and I want to express to him how I feel. I've never felt more happy than being around him, especially when we talk and joke outside the bedroom.

 

 

 

 

 

i think you should come clean. He's been acting in good faith and he's been living up to your initial agreement. You are the one that sold one bill of goods but is now trying to skim something altogether different off the top. You're the one wanting to change up the rules in the middle of the game so it's up to you to initiate it.

 

I'm just afraid my feelings for him are unrequited..

 

 

your feelings aren't unrequited, they are cloaked and comoflaged. You've been telling him one thing but feeling something else. You are not congruent and you aren't honest. You don't have the right to worry about unrequited feelings because you haven't been honest with yours.

 

 

Maybe guys only act this way because sex is the endgame.

 

 

when sex is the end game, they are out the door after a roll in the hay or two or until someone wants more from them than what they are willing to give. He's obviously not a playa' that is just out for a pump and dump.

 

This IS a relationship whether anyone has wanted to call it one or not.

 

Is he going to be "the one" and is this going to be a R that lasts forever????

 

No one knows. Relationships run their course and end before marriage, babies and white picket fences all the time.

 

You are the second woman wanting a Chrystal ball and wanting to know the future of a relationship. The future is to be made, not predicted. The future of an R depends on the people in it. If this R fails at this point, IMHO the blood will be on your hands for being deceptive and not being true to yourself and dishonest with him. You've been playing games.

 

I think you should come clean and face the truth and deal with the outcome of that truth.

 

He may feel the same as you and want this to work and continue. He may not want any more to do with it and may walk away. I don't think so though. I don't think his actions are indicative of someone just wanting some poon.

 

I worry about supposed adult women that can't tell the difference

 

 

 

 

Responses above

LoneIsland Established Member

LoneIsland

Posted
Posted (edited)
Yes, I will date a man I'm interested in long enough for me to KNOW what his intentions are. I don't assume every man is looking for an ONS. It's OK, if they are, it's just not what I'm looking for.

 

And, yes, they do it because they can and are likely doing multiple women. If that is the case, I'm not going to expose myself to multiple diseases.

 

The example given clearly shows that the waiting won't help you. If a guy is doing multiple women, he's not going to tell you about it, unless he's trying to impress the younger ones. So catching multiple disease may not be avoidable.

 

If you want a good man, it's easy. Get one who asks for sex on the first date. He's clueless and no women would want him. You can be sure he's disease free.

Edited by LoneIsland
Tayken Established Member

Tayken

Posted
Posted
If you want a good man, it's easy. Get one who asks for sex on the first date. He's clueless and no women would want him. You can be sure he's disease free.

 

Somehow I see this as a long and hard sell to a lot of women.

  • Like 1
LoneIsland Established Member

LoneIsland

Posted
Posted
Somehow I see this as a long and hard sell to a lot of women.

 

I won't try too hard. I see no reason to give away the secret recipe. I believe women deserve what they get. I don't mind an occasional laugh with them.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
Redhead14,

well at least the guy was honest...

 

A friend of mine saw a guy for 3 months and he did all the "right things", meals out, theatre, days out etc. She didn't ask for "exclusivity" but agreed to have sex with him. He then dumped her.

 

Neither she nor I could understand his modus operandi, it seemed like a big price to pay for a ONS....:confused:

 

And, there are guys who do it...

 

I had a gf who this guy bought her a dress to wear to a formal event he had. She didn't even bother polishing her chippy toenails. Worst, she was busy telling us how she didn't like him...so, why let him spend money on a chicken dinner and dress for you? BTW, she spent the whole evening on the formal dinner on her cellphone (rude if you as me).

 

And, that's one of many reasons why she and I are no longer friends...

  • Like 1
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

It sounds to me like he genuinely likes you for more than sex. But he's going to be deployed for eight months. Are you going to be able to wait for him?

mammasita Established Member

mammasita

Posted
Posted
Don't have sex with them, simple, and see how long they stick around.

 

Make sure they take you out on real "dates", not all this "hanging out" stuff that seems to happen in USA.

Make sure they are interested in you as a person, try engaging in interesting activities with them.

Make sure you are "exclusive" before you have sex.

The more a man invests in you, the more likely he will take you seriously.

 

Just my 6 penneth from "over the pond"

This is exactly what I thought when I read the thread title.

 

So from the stix of eastern US of A - I agree.

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

Just because a guy asks you to spend the night after sex doesn't mean he's falling for you. He could want a warm body to snuggle up to sometimes himself. Also if you sleep over that means more sex in the morning. You can't go by this. If you want to know what he's looking for out of the relationship just ask him. Also tell him what you want and expect because mind reading is for psychics.

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