Jump to content

Wondering if the father of my child is destined for a life of polyamory?!


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

The father of my child and I just got back together a month or so ago. There is a very long and complicated back story that may help explain things so they make more sense, but it is ridiculously complex and long and I wouldn't even know where to begin. But anyways, moving on…

 

My bf/sons father just dropped what felt like a bombshell this weekend. He basically said that he thinks it is ok for him to sleep with other women and that it shouldn't destroy our relationship. In his words; "you know i've always struggled with women. Every now and then, the act of sleeping with someone else is a boost for my ego and makes me feel like a man. That I am capable. Men need that. It doesn't mean I care or love you any less and you are always the one I would come home too, but i'm tired of fighting it. 75 percent of men would probably cheat if they had the chance and it doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. I am still loyal and good to you and our son and that wouldn't change."

 

However, he made it pretty clear that he is not ok with me doing the same due to men being "territorial" and said it would be the end of our relationship if I did that. He references the old days…when the man had multiple wives. But not the other way around. He feels like maybe that's the time he should've lived in.

 

He says he does not feel the NEED to go pursue it or seek it. He feels I meet most of his needs. But if the opportunity presented itself, he would def take it.

 

I argued this; first of all, it's a double standard. Secondly, it is not normal to need that validation as a man and need to sleep with other women to get it. There's some kind of flaw there. Thirdly, even if I was ok with him cheating every now and then if he felt he needed that…there is always the risk that he could knock her up, contract an std, she could fall for him, he fall for her, etc. He is KNOWINGLY taking the risk of one of those things happening. Chance may be slim, but it is there and i'm not about to risk bringing that poison into our relationship. He claims that would never happen to him and that he can separate sex and emotion. But he is only human, and even if he could…who knows if she could. Sounds pretty foolish to me.

 

I am very hurt and honestly disgusted by this. It would be one thing if he said that he's always struggled with women, but that he wanted to do the right thing and be faithful and would do everything in his power to not allow it to happen. I could respect that.

 

But it sounds like he just doesn't WANT to have to say no. He has said that he could totally be a polygamist and that it would make his life much easier.

 

After being torn between me and the other girl he dated while we split up…getting back together with me…only to reject me again, reconcile with her…then come back to me this most recent time…on top of this…my trust in him is almost zero.

 

 

What do I do? He is a great provider. Takes care of my son and I. Great job and a good head on his shoulders. I know I can count on him and he is generally always honest with me. I trust him to not get involved in anything that could negatively affect our family. He loves our son and does his best to be a good dad. He's always been very good to me. Generous and thoughtful. And he knows me better than anyone else in the world. I've loved him since I was 18.

 

Should I stay in this relationship? I know he has never cheated on me in all our years together, but he has come close. I just don't want to live in fear that someday he will because he thinks it's ok.

 

Thank you.

Posted

I'm a bit surprised you took him back after he left you for another woman. Have you had relationships (STR, LTR, fling) with many other guys? I'm just wondering as it seems you are so hung up on this guy that you know it wont bring you happiness but its like you wont be able to do any better. I realise he is a good provider and takes care of his son, but there needs to be more than that for you.

 

Polyamory can be a legitimate way of life for some people, but for it to work successfully, everyone has to be on the same page. While you can drag along an unwilling partner, who will say yes rather then lose their bf/gf/spouse, it wont result in a happy long term outcome for them. The thing this, your scenario is not what I would call a true polyamorous relationship as the door is shut for you. Some poly partners are fine to be monogamous while their partner has other gf/bfs, but its their choice. You are forbidden from doing the same as he wants, and you are unhappy already with that, so the resentment will just build up over time. If you agree to a poly relationship he wont be cheating on you, so if you are worried about cheating is it in the situation that you say no to the poly setup?

Posted

Should I stay in this relationship?

I wouldn't.

 

I know he has never cheated on me in all our years together, but he has come close. I just don't want to live in fear that someday he will because he thinks it's ok.

This means that as the female, you will be walking on eggshells forever; always wondering and questioning when/if it WILL happen. Because it WILL - he has told you as such.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
I trust him to not get involved in anything that could negatively affect our family.

 

 

This totally went against everything he told you about himself. You are not listening to him. He is telling you that he will not be faithful.

 

He has given you a preview of the coming attraction and letting you decide to play yourself, that way he won't be blamed for playing you.

 

 

One day he may meet someone that he wants to commit to for real and you'll be like "but I'm the one that put up with all his ****"!!

 

Oh well

Edited by travelbug1996
  • Like 1
Posted

Kudos to this guy for being so honest with with.

 

OP you have to be the one to make the call on this.

 

Youre either going to make a choice, or youre going to be controlled, and to they guy's credit, he's giving you a chance to get out of him controlling you - if that makes sense

 

Are you comfortable with a polygamist lifestyle?

If not, leave him be. - Thats the long and short of it

Posted

That's a difficult situation to be in. Have you thought about doing some sort of counseling? Have you talked to anyone in your support system about this, maybe a family member or a friend? I would definitely encourage you to seek out a listening ear, be it a professional, or just someone you really trust. Best of luck to you. Blessings!

 

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

Posted

If he gets to have some fun on the side, you should be allowed as well.

 

You could even act all enthusiastic about it...Just to see if he is polly or totally jealous at the thought of you sleeping with someone else. No even better invite a guy over and make your guy watch!:laugh:

Posted

"He basically said that he thinks it is ok for him to sleep with other women and that it shouldn't destroy our relationship. In his words; "you know i've always struggled with women. Every now and then, the act of sleeping with someone else is a boost for my ego and makes me feel like a man. That I am capable. Men need that. It doesn't mean I care or love you any less and you are always the one I would come home too, but i'm tired of fighting it. 75 percent of men would probably cheat if they had the chance and it doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. I am still loyal and good to you and our son and that wouldn't change."

 

This^^^ is the biggest load of unmitigated horses*it I've ever heard!!!

 

If you are going to be weak enough to stay and put up with this crap, you deserve every bit of heartache you will inevitably get.

 

Why should you have to make exceptions for his sexual insecurity and emotional immaturity???

 

He's a good provider? A good father? SO WHAT!!! You don't get credit for doing what you're SUPPOSED TO DO!!!

 

I think you already know what to do but you're looking for someone to tell you that what he wants is acceptable and normal and you're not going to hear that from me.

 

Sometimes staying, and bearing the brunt of your SO's selfish actions can be easier than letting go, especially with such a long history together and with kids involved but the right choices are rarely the easiest ones to make.

 

Good luck to you.

Posted

You need to move on with your life. There is absolutely no way either of you will have successful and happy relationship.

 

 

For starters when you bring other people into the mix as he does you're going to feel second to them. He might not tell you, but you'll still feel second when he is having these affairs.

 

 

This guy sounds like a control freak and a complete douchebag. I'd almost bet money that once he has you pinned in marriage things will get much worse then they already are. It will be okay for him too... but not okay for you to do the same thing.

 

 

I've yet to meet a successful couple that were in any form of an open relationship. Issues always come up...

 

 

I had a hard time with loyalty in my younger years. I still sort of do, granted I do not cheat. It's just rare for a woman to keep my attention. That said when I meet the right woman my attention is 100% focused on them. I have absolutely NO desire for any other women.

Posted

Well, I'm gonna start by saying I have no problem with polyamory.

 

But what this guy wants to do is NOT polyamory. He is basically asking for your permission to cheat and your promise that you won't cheat on him.

 

He sounds like a controlling a-hole

×
×
  • Create New...