disclosure Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 So my girlfriend of 4 months was in a relationship for 5 years before I met her. Her relationship ended early this year, and 3 months later she met me. During those 3 months, she had sex with 12 other guys and it is bothering the **** out of me. She says it's because her previous boyfriend didn't pay much attention to her near the end of the relationship, and their sex became meaningless, so after her relationship she was all "may as well have meaningless sex with other people if that's how it was anyways". The problem isn't so much the number as it is the time frame that it took place. And the fact that she almost seemed eager to tell me...like some fake embarrassment, but had that smirk on her face. She's very open about it too, and in drunken games like "never have I ever" which is basically about sexual experiences (ex: never have I ever had a threesome, if you have you take a drink) she puts up this big thing like "oh I hate this game because I'm so bad at it" and it bothers the **** out of me. Getting looks from my friends when she's the only one at the table who is taking a drink. I don't understand, I don't want to bother me and I don't know if it should or not, but it does. She said out of the 15 guys in total, she has only had feelings for 3 (all of her relationships) and I don't know if that makes things better or worse. I've always tried to think that it's none of my business how many people a person has slept with or their sexual past etc, but now that this is the first time this has really come up for me personally I just can't deal with it. I know it might say more about me with why this bothers me, but I can't help but think if this does say anything about her? Anything? Is this no big deal? I just feel like I trust her less, and almost feel like if she hadn't met me she'd continue adding to the list. Like I'm less special. How do I get over this? I really want to...but at the moment I can't stop thinking about it. 1
SawtoothMars Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 She said out of the 15 guys in total, she has only had feelings for 3 (all of her relationships) and I don't know if that makes things better or worse. I've always tried to think that it's none of my business how many people a person has slept with or their sexual past etc, but now that this is the first time this has really come up for me personally I just can't deal with it. I know it might say more about me with why this bothers me, but I can't help but think if this does say anything about her? Anything? Is this no big deal? I just feel like I trust her less, and almost feel like if she hadn't met me she'd continue adding to the list. Like I'm less special. How do I get over this? I really want to...but at the moment I can't stop thinking about it. The Dirty Old Maid Brigade is going to tell you it's none of your business if she performed in Donkey Shows in Tijuana or worked as a prostitute for fun in college. That's because they are stupid... so ignore them. It IS your business. You need to figure out what part of this bothers you and address it directly. How many women have you been with? It is just a numbers thing? 3
Diezel Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 12 guys in 12 weeks? Honestly, that'd probably bother me too. This is why I always tell people to NEVER ask nor disclose this. It's a can of worms. There is no right/wrong answer and any answer can set anyone off. What can you do? Either: Nothing, internalize it. Or, if it bothers you that much, dump her. I'm willing to bet she isn't being entirely honest either. I don't think it makes you feel any less special, I think it makes HER less special to YOU. Think about it. 2
Phoe Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I think it's quite alarming to have sex with 12 guys in 3 months. That's pretty much a new guy every week. That's more than I've had sex with in my entire life, let alone in 3 months. Personally, it would concern me. It seems to concern you as well. I suppose the question shouldn't be HOW to get over it, but whether you want to. Decide whether that's something you would even want to get over. If it is, then move on to how. But if you think even if you did "get over it", that there'd be something there in the back of your mind that is put off, then you may want to move on. Having sex isn't a bad thing, but different people have different comfort levels of what they consider reasonable. You two may have differing ideas on that, and may not be compatible. 2
Raena Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I don't blame you for being concerned. If she's slept with that many men and doesn't seem at all embarrassed by it then what does it all really mean to her? I mean, being sexually active is one thing, even adventurous, but to brag about having slept with 12 men in 3 months is just disgusting behavior. I do the math on that and it makes me shudder. Her lack of caring about saying these things to you would make me wonder how deeply she actually cares for you. 3
Author disclosure Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 The Dirty Old Maid Brigade is going to tell you it's none of your business if she performed in Donkey Shows in Tijuana or worked as a prostitute for fun in college. That's because they are stupid... so ignore them. It IS your business. You need to figure out what part of this bothers you and address it directly. How many women have you been with? It is just a numbers thing? A combo of number/amount of time it took place, the reason for breaking up with her ex and how she handled it, what is saying she didn't get it all "out of her system", and jealousy tbh. My number is 3, so it just makes me feel insecure about it all as well. In all honesty, not trying to offend anyone, but I feel like in pretty much all club situations guys pursue girls. The fact that she has had one night stands with 12 guys, it scares me thinking about how she feels about sex and now if she were to go out again with her friends on her own.. She also cheated on her ex near the end of the relationship with his bestfriend, which has always been in the back of my mind and hard to get over, and this just kind of adds to that. 1
Diezel Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 She also cheated on her ex near the end of the relationship with his bestfriend, which has always been in the back of my mind and hard to get over, and this just kind of adds to that. Um, and you thought you should omit this from the original post?!?!?! DUDE, RUN. DUMP HER IMMEDIATELY. 7
Phoe Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 She also cheated on her ex near the end of the relationship with his bestfriend, which has always been in the back of my mind and hard to get over, and this just kind of adds to that. WOW. massive red flag. more than red, that flag is on fire, erupted in flames, on a flagpole that is surrounded by lava. It doesn't get more red than this. Why are you still with her?!? 6
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 My number is 3, so it just makes me feel insecure about it all as well. BINGO She also cheated on her ex near the end of the relationship with his bestfriend This is the reason why this woman should never be an option for you. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 12 guys in 12 weeks? Honestly, that'd probably bother me too. This is why I always tell people to NEVER ask nor disclose this. It's a can of worms. There is no right/wrong answer and any answer can set anyone off. What can you do? Either: Nothing, internalize it. Or, if it bothers you that much, dump her. I'm willing to bet she isn't being entirely honest either. I don't think it makes you feel any less special, I think it makes HER less special to YOU. Think about it. I have to agree with this. I'm a woman and relatively open when it comes to sexuality. But I'm afraid there's not a lot you can do when the timeframe bothers you. I would be put off if a guy had told me the same thing, in terms of number and period of time. You can either try to accept that she's with you now and obviously enjoys your sex life, or move on. And for heaven's sake, avoid silly drinking games about sex. That is never wise, and yes, I have played it myself with a group of girlfriends. But never in mixed company. Are you protecting yourself with her? 1
Author disclosure Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Question, so this something I just need to figure out on my own if I can handle it or not or should I talk to her more about all of this? I am terrible at communicating and getting what I need to say out, and I don't want to make her feel like a terrible person. I tried to drop it when she told me as I thought it was something I needed to get over, but from what you guys are saying I should be asking more questions and I'm obviously not in the wrong for not being ok with this. 1
SawtoothMars Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 A combo of number/amount of time it took place, the reason for breaking up with her ex and how she handled it, what is saying she didn't get it all "out of her system", and jealousy tbh. My number is 3, so it just makes me feel insecure about it all as well. In all honesty, not trying to offend anyone, but I feel like in pretty much all club situations guys pursue girls. The fact that she has had one night stands with 12 guys, it scares me thinking about how she feels about sex and now if she were to go out again with her friends on her own.. She also cheated on her ex near the end of the relationship with his bestfriend, which has always been in the back of my mind and hard to get over, and this just kind of adds to that. Don't take this girl seriously... and definitely do not catch feelings for her! She may turn out good, but these are some major red flags. I would keep my emotional distance. The best way to do that is to pursue other women and avoid spending large amounts of time with her. 2
Diezel Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 What questions are you going to ask!?! There's nothing more to ask. And by the time you ask, she might have remembered 2 or 3 more guys whose names she can't actually remember, but they were kinda cute and bought them a drink so she took them to the back of a bar and did it in the bathroom stall, unprotected of course, because the condom machine was broken. But hey, you have to "get over it" as she says. I'd "get over it" by kicking her ass to the curb and getting tested IMMEDIATELY. There's a few names for a girl like this, but I'm sure LS has a filter. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 It would bother me, too, whether male or female. That's a different sex partner every week for 3 months. Extremely different from my own sexual history, not something I could relate to. 2
Author disclosure Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Don't take this girl seriously... and definitely do not catch feelings for her! She may turn out good, but these are some major red flags. I would keep my emotional distance. The best way to do that is to pursue other women and avoid spending large amounts of time with her. Lol...I can't really do that as we're in a relationship...it's either I'm in or I'm out. 1
Allumere Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 She also cheated on her ex near the end of the relationship with his bestfriend, which has always been in the back of my mind and hard to get over, and this just kind of adds to that. This..this is what you should be most worried about. I don't know how old she is but you have multiple red flags a) She just got out of a 5 year relationship b) she cheated while she was in that relationship c) she is trying to either fill an emotional void or wants to prove her power/control over men but being promiscuous and d) if she hasn't already, she needs to present you with a clean bill of health...in other words, no STDs. Dude this girl is very, very, very broken. I would strongly urge you to step back a bit. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 She also cheated on her ex near the end of the relationship with his bestfriend... What?! This woman is just trashy. No way could I stick with someone like this. 2
SawtoothMars Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Question, so this something I just need to figure out on my own if I can handle it or not or should I talk to her more about all of this? I am terrible at communicating and getting what I need to say out, and I don't want to make her feel like a terrible person. I tried to drop it when she told me as I thought it was something I needed to get over, but from what you guys are saying I should be asking more questions and I'm obviously not in the wrong for not being ok with this. It's BOTH. You do need to figure this out on your own to a degree. You also need to confront her about it. Especially if you plan to stick with her. Make sure you frame it correctly. Start with the cheating, and make sure she doesn't try to flip it and make you seem insecure. This is about her super sketch behavior. I wouldn't worry about how it makes her feel at this point. The important thing is to bring this up and then pay attention to how she makes YOU feel. If she gets super defensive and tries to flip it around on you... then she is crap. If she tries to make you feel better about it... then you have a shot at making things work with her. 1
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Mmmm it's possible she's full of it too. I would be just concerned at the fact she doesn't seem to care (whether it's true or not) about it. I would never recommend starting a relationship with anyone who is that fresh out of a LTR, there is no way she is emotionally ready. Sorry bro but this chicky is no GF material. So you have two choices, wrap it up and bang her to your hearts content till you get tired of her or just tell her she is not what you are looking for in a LTR and (to your friends relief) dump her. IMO dump her because she has already caused enough embarrassment to you in front of your friends. 2
Author disclosure Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 I work away casually and am not home for about 2 more weeks.. but now after everything you guys have said I really need to get some **** off my chest with her. Do I suck it up and act like I'm fine for 2 weeks while my mind goes ****ing crazy. Or do I bring it up in a skype convo, talk to her about it and ease my mind and then ultimately talk to her in person with what I want to do? 1
Diezel Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 What is wrong with you? Why are you considering any course of action that involves staying with her? 5
somedude81 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Sounds like she's proud to be a slut. How you take that is up to you. 5
Author disclosure Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 I don't know.. Jesus...was not expecting these reactions. This whole time I've been thinking I'm a little bitch and need to get over it. 1
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Disclosure....wake up. People aren't talking about her sexual past anymore. Don't date a woman that cheated and on top of that discloses it to a new boyfriend. 2
ThaWholigan Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I don't see this ending well. I'm not one for chastising the promiscuous at all, but there's a clear disconnect between you two as far as what you both consider acceptable behavior in or outside a relationship. That you feel embarrassed by her with your friends is telling. The kicker to me is not the number of even the timeframe (I don't really care about that stuff) but the fact that there was obviously an overlap between her extra-curricular activities and her previous relationship, brought on by cheating with the best friend of her ex. That stands out to me, and is likely the catalyst for the 3 months that followed. You have a choice, you can get the clarity you need before you continue seeing her, or you can leave now. It's up to you at the end of the day - but I'd advise you to break it off IF you can't trust her and her past. The cheating matters more IMO, it precedes the period of multiple partners - the promiscuity itself is not the problem here, just a symptom. Just reminding you of that, as these threads tend to become an exercise in what is now known as "slut-shaming" quite often . 2
Recommended Posts