Tough time with dating

[djcos25]

I, like a lot of people, am having a rough time with dating. I am 28 years old, I work 2 part time jobs equaling about 40-45 hours a week. Hoping one job can lead to full time eventually. I like to play baseball, love movies, a bit of a nerd (I don't show it until I'm comfortable with the other person, also not socially awkward or anything). I am average build but on the short side, about 5'2". I have dark brown hair, a neatly trimmed beard and have been told I'm "handsome" numerous times. I am by no means a model or anything, but I'd say average looking. A co-worker has said I'd be great son-in-law material. So why am I single, why am I having a rough time with dating?

 

I do a lot of online dating, been doing it since my early 20's. Before I used to have glasses and a goatee. Ever since one of my best friends (a girl) has told me to change my appearance a few years ago, by getting contacts and growing a beard, my luck has increased a bit. Not much, but a little. Guys, ever notice when its a girl who points something out, you end up listening? lol.

 

What I'm frustrated about is I get my share of phone numbers, but they never lead to anywhere. They either end up flaking before we meet up, ignore my texts, or I never see them again after the meet up. What irks me the most is these same girls complain about being single and all that, but they give out their numbers and end up flaking. Its baffling. I am down to earth, I have a personality. I get these girls to laugh. At times there will be a bit of silence, I get quiet but this is after we have been talking a lot. I don't make it seem weird or anything. I am nice, maybe I come off as too nice? I'm not going to change myself for someone else, I am who I am. I am a gentleman, I will pay for the date, offer to pick/drop them off, hold doors, etc. My Dad raised me the right way.

 

Whatever I was doing in dating, I'm doing the opposite now. I met up with a girl from Tinder Saturday night. Again, was making her laugh, had a good time. We had similar interests. At the end of the night she says "I had fun, lets hang again sometime." No hug, nothing. I just simply said "Yeah, just let me know." We walked separate ways. I haven't bothered to text her, nor has she texted me. I'm just sick of hearing girls say "lets hang again" and never following up. My friend I mentioned earlier, she just got out of an 8 year relationship, she even said what girls do to me is rude.

 

Its just frustrating to see one of your best friends married, another have a girlfriend, another have luck here and there, meanwhile I get nothing. I have had 1 relationship which lasted just under a year. I felt like I ended up settling. Thought maybe things would get better and they didn't.

 

This isn't a pity post or anything. Just curious if there's anything I should change? Maybe if you guys have any questions about what I'm doing, my answers might suggest doing something different? I just don't want to settle, I want to be happy.

Edited October 13, 2014 by djcos25

[Mrin]

In what country to you live? What is your ethnicity? Sorry, I don't mean to pry. It is that 5'2" in some cultures in some countries is considered to be very short. A lot of the single women I know have very specific height expectations. So that's something that could be hurting your chances. Sorry - it just is. I have a shaved head because I'm bald up top. That was a deal killer for some women back when I was dating.

 

So lets assume that height is an issue. One of my female friends justified her heigh expectations like this "I was to feel petite when I am around him". I get that. Well not much you can do vertically but one thing you could do is add a bunch of muscle via crossfit or lifting. You might not tower above them but your physique might give them that "petite" feeling. I'm kinda grasping at straws here but based on what you said these are some things to think about.

[Assasda]

I think I know why girls dont like you.

Its because youre not your own man.

All this talk about what other people think/say about you doesnt matter, the only thing that matters is what you think about yourself.

 

You also should be wanting to get with a woman to know her better, not because, your friends and relatives are in a relationship and you want to fit it.

 

When you become your own man, live on your own terms, and care less about what people think of you, then it'll happen for you

[normal person]

I'm not going to change myself for someone else, I am who I am.

Just curious if there's anything I should change?

 

Which is it? If you want to be yourself, do it with conviction and don't let other people tell you how to be. If being yourself isn't quite working out, sometimes you need to recalibrate your approach to things while keeping your values intact.

 

I am nice, maybe I come off as too nice? [...] I am a gentleman, I will pay for the date, offer to pick/drop them off, hold doors, etc. My Dad raised me the right way.

 

I'm a nice person by nature too. A lot of women aren't used to it. Be careful, they might perceive it as neediness, which is really unattractive. As much as I hate to say it, it might help to initially show someone you like how much you don't need them. It'll be at odds with your value system as it is mine, but it'll definitely make some women see you differently if they can't appreciate how nice you are. If you multi-date, check out other women in front of her, play games, etc, it might help. Now believe me, I hate this crap as much as you do. But if you want her and that's the only way you can win her over, you might to have to play the game.

 

I have a thing going with a girl. I met her when she had a LDR and we were platonic friends for a bit. When they broke up there was a noticeable sexual tension between us because we had been inseparable the whole time. She was so torn up about breaking up with the guy, and I didn't want to lose my friend, act hastily, or subject her to mind games, so I created some distance between us. She got pretty mad that I was doing it, so eventually the dam broke and we kissed. She said I should continue to go out with other people. So I did. When she found out that I actually did, she got really scared and I didn't want to hurt her so I stopped. When things got more serious with us and I figured I had to commit, so I did. Knowing her vulnerable state and not want her to put her through anything more, I was really, really nice (perhaps it seemed needy) to her. That turned her off. We've fought about it quite a bit and are now still trying to pick up the pieces. In a moment of weakness she even told me it'd be more attractive if I went out with other people -- and remember when I did, it drove her nuts. So there's a lesson in there somewhere.

[Assasda]

Normal Person got it completely right.

Women can tolerate an *******, and even love them.

Women loathe guys who are needy. Its one of the most unattractive things ever. Shows that you dont have your own life

[Dork Vader]

It seems like you need self confidence to some degree. My advice is read the six pilars of self esteem. It's a great book and will help you more then you realize.

 

That said you have to understand the difference between a date and hanging out with a friend. You have to be some what bold with women. You have to make some physical contact, you have to respond to their physical contact... It's an art that I can't explain.. Women wont kiss you, you have to kiss them.

 

You want to start slowly with the physical contact and expand on it slowly. But it is critical to learn.. If you go to far you'll be wrote off as a perv, to slow you'll get friend zoned.

 

Women on here can elaborate but it's something you have to learn... No matter what be yourself and let the stars line up on their own.

[quidproquo89]

Maybe be careful not to be too nice. As in be a good guy not a 'nice guy'.

 

You can pay for dates, open the door for them. Its hard to explain you don't want to be a dick head or a door mat.

 

I don't have a problem with being labelled a nice guy because I am a good guy which means I'm good to people but I have certain principles and if they arent met by the other person I'll call them out on it.

 

I think it might also be the women you are dating are naturally quite flaky or have unneccesarily high standards.

 

I have had online dates where the other person was either very insecure or just were looking for someone who looked like Thor the God of Thunder and I'm like WTF?! If I'm not mistaken we're all born to humans not gods, so they can throw that prince charming bull**** out the window.

 

What I'm saying is dating is diffult, confusing, flaky and often just plain can't be explained. You are not the problem just keep going out there, its the only way.

 

Take OLD with a pinch of salt because thata very awkward way of dating and just don't be too nice, be a good guy with a backbone

 

Also women often wait for you to message after a date, so I wouldn't wait for them to

Edited October 14, 2014 by quidproquo89
added more

[quidproquo89]

Which is it? If you want to be yourself, do it with conviction and don't let other people tell you how to be. If being yourself isn't quite working out, sometimes you need to recalibrate your approach to things while keeping your values intact.

 

 

 

I'm a nice person by nature too. A lot of women aren't used to it. Be careful, they might perceive it as neediness, which is really unattractive. As much as I hate to say it, it might help to initially show someone you like how much you don't need them. It'll be at odds with your value system as it is mine, but it'll definitely make some women see you differently if they can't appreciate how nice you are. If you multi-date, check out other women in front of her, play games, etc, it might help. Now believe me, I hate this crap as much as you do. But if you want her and that's the only way you can win her over, you might to have to play the game.

 

I have a thing going with a girl. I met her when she had a LDR and we were platonic friends for a bit. When they broke up there was a noticeable sexual tension between us because we had been inseparable the whole time. She was so torn up about breaking up with the guy, and I didn't want to lose my friend, act hastily, or subject her to mind games, so I created some distance between us. She got pretty mad that I was doing it, so eventually the dam broke and we kissed. She said I should continue to go out with other people. So I did. When she found out that I actually did, she got really scared and I didn't want to hurt her so I stopped. When things got more serious with us and I figured I had to commit, so I did. Knowing her vulnerable state and not want her to put her through anything more, I was really, really nice (perhaps it seemed needy) to her. That turned her off. We've fought about it quite a bit and are now still trying to pick up the pieces. In a moment of weakness she even told me it'd be more attractive if I went out with other people -- and remember when I did, it drove her nuts. So there's a lesson in there somewhere.

 

There are some really good points here. Tweaking your personality and approach can help wonders.

 

Also remember this.. women are almost programmed to look for the best suitor, they may seem like darlings on the outside but if you dip from what they are after they will drop you for someone better. Its not because they are bad people its because thats whats hard-wired into them.

 

The battle isnt over once you've made them yours. You can't relax entirely you still have to put work and effort into a relationship once you've got that person. There is no room for complacency.

 

Whilst women often look sweet and lovely on the outside bare in mind they may look elsewhere if you arent fullfilling your male status as the boyfriend

Edited October 14, 2014 by quidproquo89
mistake

[Assasda]

My man quidproquo89 is spitting that meta game.

Totally right on both those posts

[quidproquo89]

My man quidproquo89 is spitting that meta game.

Totally right on both those posts

 

ha ha cheers matey

[djcos25]

@Mrin: Don't worry you're not prying. I live in USA. I sometimes believe the height is an issue, but nobody has said anything about it. When I'm on dates I don't bring it up or anything. I do wonder if I was taller if I'd have better luck.

 

@Assada: How am I not my own man? Just confused as how you thought that? I was just repeating what others have said. Just trying to better describe myself really.

 

@normal person: I really don't understand these "games" really. What you described with that girl, sounds confusing as hell. I could never do that, I'd probably screw up somewhere. I'm not into games, nor do I tolerate them. If a girl starts with the games, I'm out. It's just not for me. Sadly it took me a while to realize that.

 

 

Since my first relationship, I had a bit of a luck streak but lately I've been cold. I met up with one girl for drinks, followed up with bowling with her and her friends (guys). We were kinda all over each other. Walked her to her car, made out (she was a bit drunk though). Then after she started playing games and told me she wasn't interested.

 

Next girl, spent some time together, fooled around (no sex) for like 2 weeks. Same thing happens, tells me shes not sure if she is interested. Blessing in disguise, found out she had an STD. Plus it seemed like she didn't get my sense of humor which was frustrating. Next girl just ended up being a FWB type situation. Never happened before so I enjoyed it while it lasted.

 

Next girl, met for drinks, ended up coming back to my house and had sex. She told me she found out her fiancee was cheating on her 4 months prior, and the wedding was supposed to be on Saturday (we met on Thursday). She tells me all these things, how cute I am, blah blah. Asks me if after the night, am I going to be one of those guys who doesn't text back. I said of course not, as I think thats rude. The next day she texted me first, which I thought was a good sign. Saturday, the day that was supposed to be the wedding, texted very briefly, like once or twice. Sunday comes, I text her and she goes ghost on me. So basically, you asked me if I wasn't gonna text you again... only to do it to me anyway. Maybe it was a good thing because I found out from a friend she wasn't an honest person.

 

I had one girl at my new job (shes not there anymore). She seemed very nice and genuine, easy to talk to. I asked her out to dinner, she gave me her number. She told me to let her know it was me when I texted. When I did, I never heard from her, but she would still say hi to me when we passed each other in the hallways. I tried again but called, left a voicemail. Again, nothing. If you weren't interested why give me your number in the first place? Drop the boyfriend word at least. I won't know the truth.

 

Then there's the numbers I get but they end up flaking on me. After dates now, I don't feel like texting them to follow up anymore because I don't feel like waiting for a text message I'm never going to get. Lately when I get a number my mindset now is "Ok when are you going to flake on me?" lol.

 

If I'm 'too nice' how do I get that edge? How do I still be the nice guy but maintain a backbone? Any examples?

Edited October 14, 2014 by djcos25

[djcos25]

Bump.. anyone?