Am i crazy or brainwashed?

[SugarAzn]

My bf and I have been together for 1.5 year.

He recently moved from FL to CA almost 6 months ago. Things were like a yo-yo for a minute because I confronted him about being mean to me and asked him if he's acting out because he's not happy about his own life.

 

Since then, when we'd fight, he's actions seem to have escalated more.

He's yelled at me to the point where I've cried then just gone silent.

He's called me horrible names like C*nt, crazy, stupid, ect..

but it was all out of anger... ( is it supposed to be okay then if it was out of anger ? ) It still hurts but he's told me I should have gotten over it..

He's asked why I'm "holding onto" the "past"? ( is it really considered the past if I see his face every day and walk on egg shells sometimes ? )

 

We've tried to talk things out. His issues with the relationship have been that I haven't been able to give him the attention or time he wants. He understands I'm a full time student, and I was also working part time as a waitress 3-4x a week at night. He'd tell me that all he can do is "take it" but never really tried to initiate any cuddling sessions or when I'd come home on his days off he would try to be warm towards me. He'd be glued to the tv watching bball or netflix. (yet he has complained that I dont spend enough time with him ) Sometimes I'm out of it from a long day and I've asked him before why not he initiate something? It felt like he expected me to start everything despite me being tired. Yes, I would have homework to do but if he had wanted to cuddle or have a little "us" time i wouldve been extremely comforting. Ive told him that.

 

Recently we were arguing. He thought I was enjoying his "play fighting" when I really wasnt in the mood. I had tried to be nice to him that morning but it wasn't working so I just tried to calm down and get ready for work. It first started with him throwing one of my nice shirts on the ground bc he found it in his suitcase ( he had come back from a FL trip about a month ago) and I asked him, " did you really need to put my nice shirt on the ground? " and then he came over to me, threw my shirt on me then said "there, happy?" in an annoyed manner. Again, I told him, " all i did was ask you a question. I didn't tell you to bring my shirt or anything. It was just a question". He walks over again, takes my shirt and puts it back on the ground. At that point I was really upset. So I told him to just leave the room.

 

A couple mins later he came in ( im guessin he knew he had upset me ) and tried to joke around with me by getting in my face. I was in the middle of putting liquid foundation on and when I told him to get out of my face, he'd just push it. So I put some foundation on the side of his face, near his hair line, and he got upset. I acted all annoyed that now he had to take another shower and I told that I told him to leave me alone. He just smiled and continue to joke around to the point where I got up, chased him into the living room with some left over foundation on my hand acting as if Id put more on him (with a fake smile and all ). I only "joked/played" with him because he obviously wasnt getting the "leave me alone" message so I gave him what he wanted.

 

I started getting dizzy so I laid down to take a short nap. The comes into the room and gets on top of me trying to wake me up. Again, I told him to leave me alone I was tired. He gets off and I think he went to the bathroom. Couple minutes later he's ontop of me again naked with this dick in my face. He wipes it across my lips and keeps asking "if i want it". I just shaking my head back and forth because I was irritated at that point and honestly wanted to bite his dick off. He got more aggressive and that was when I was fighting flashbacks of me getting raped when I was younger and in a previous relationship. He had always been sensitive regarding the issue and Id tell him no he'd stop. He managed to get his dick in my mouth and I lost it. I told him to "get me in the mood" which failed miserably. I started to give him oral but then he got up to go back to the restroom.

 

I was shocked at that point all the while trying to tell myself that I wasn't getting raped by the man I love. He comes back and gets back on top of me w/o any explanation. I told him, " if you ever get up like that again im never giving you head again" . I finished giving him head and went over to get him some tissues to wipe himself as I went to get my clothes because I was cold. I started to head to the bathroom to wash my mouth and regain my composure but then he said, "well that was a waste of time" and I flipped. I told him "its not your were going to give me head anyways" and "did you really just say 'this' was a waste of time?!" I didn't see my bf anymore, i saw a rapist.

 

A screaming match ensued, I wanted to be left alone in the bathroom, trying not to cry. He pounds on the bathroom door so hard that I was afraid hed break it down so i open it. I screamed, " what am I a whore to you?!" and he replied "no but youre acting like one. who the **** puts their cloths back on after having sex?!" Again, " i told him I was cold and needed to use the restroom". He looked at me with irratation and said, "youre always making excuses"... He told me that I was making excuses...

I couldnt bare to look at him, i ran to the closet and started crying.I kept asking him "whyd he say that" and began to bawl. He asked why the hell was I crying for...

 

That point, I tried to leave the apartment. I guess he knew Id try to leave bc he was STILL harassing me, not answering me, just plan hurting me emotionally. I had to shove him away from the door, and told him hed need to find his own way to and from work and walked off driving to the grocery store parking lot. I think I blanked out bawling so hard in my car in the middle of the afternoon in my car in a damn parking lot.

 

By the evening there was little to no contact. He'd later told me that he was wrong for saying " it was a waste of time" and by then he had figure that I saw him as a rapist. He told me that in the past Id like it when he's a little forward with sex and that when I didnt want sex id tell him, "seriously i dont want sex, I mean it". So now it was like I have to say that exact phrase for him to believe me when I say no to him. Forget my body language or my facial expressions of annoyance and refusal.

 

He then "lost it" by saying how can I call him a rapist. that he was raised by mainly women in his family. That he had promised me to protect me with his life against such a person. He blew his top and said I needed to seek "help".

 

I went to work trying to stay busy and not let my emotions get the best of me. At that point i had texted him telling him he needs to get out of my apartment. Find a hotel or something I just wanted him out. He doesn't reply.

 

I get home late and he's in the living room asleep...

I walk into my bedroom exhausted, turned on my alarm for 2 hours, and made a mini bed on the floor. I had to go to the police station to report an assault or whatever bc some tired to restrain me as I walked to my car after work. That was scary. I didnt want to be on the actual bed because looking at it disgusted me. The alarm went off at 5:15am. I woke up turned it off realizing it wasnt set to the right time. My bf woke up, came into my room, turned on the light, and was asking me why Im on the floor, and asked " Im a rapist huh?". I pleaded him to leave me alone, that I was tired.

He kept trying to keep me up.

 

Again I lost it. I got up and tried to get to my car. " I cant ****ing have a decent "adult" conversation with you" he yelled as I tried to run out. ( what adult harasses someone multiple times when they are asked explicitly to leave their partner alone? ) I drove off to the same parking lot to clear my head. after about 30-45 minutes of crying and trying to gather myself, I drove back. I went into the apartment, straight into the bedroom to get a duffle bag to pack some stuff and leave. My bf was on the phone with his friend I think with all this stuff in the living room. I assumed he was going to leave.

 

He looked shocked and asked what the **** I was doing. I said Im leaving. He tried to grab/touch me and I freaked out. I was shaking from the stress. He looked at my hands and into my eyes. I know he saw that I was fighting back tears and that I was trembling. He came closer and tried to tell me that he was wrong for what he said and the reason why he had gotten up earlier when I started to give him his head was bc he went to take out his retainers so he could give me head. Bc he wanted to please me. ( mind you, he said nothing about his when I asked when the incident happened so i didnt believe him).

 

As soon as he touched me I broke down bawling, fetal position and all. I screamed and bawled so hard that I passed out. Later I felt him carry me onto the bed and ask me if I wanted him to stay with me. I was confused but didnt want to be alone. I whispered yes a couple of times and he laid next to me holding me, and fell asleep.

 

upon waking up, he asked me if I thought if he had really raped me. I denied it bc me telling him what he did was wrong for a whole day didnt work. I just wanted the harassment and hurt to stop.

 

Its been a 2 days since then. Obviously he's become detached and distant from me. He asked me if I wanted to stay with him and I ask him what he wanted. He just looked at me and asked me the same Q. I told him that i know hes not a bad person and heard him when he admitted what he did was wrong yesterday ( for saying having sex was a waste of time ) but he didn't apologize for anythings. He was able to be a 'friends' when I was freaking out bawling but he was now cold, indifferent towards me.

"if you want to be w me, its going to take some time. You've changed how I view women and you".

 

Its like he pinned all this pain on me. He made me feel like it was wrong of me to panic the way that I did from what he did. " you need help" he'd tell me.

 

The last time we touched was when he had to leave for work yesterday, Sunday, as I gave him a hug, kiss, and told him i love him softly. He looked at me, kissed me back and told me that he loves me too. ( used my full name ).

 

He told me not to cook dinner for him. Not even make some korean hot cakes that he likes and even sounded like he was looking forward to eating. When he came home he didnt want to be touched. Normally I can hold his hand when we sleep if we dont cuddle but he didnt even let me do that.

 

My question for the community is, have I completely gone of the deep end?

 

I tried to reflect and go over the whole incident in my head and to me, the way i reacted wasnt wrong of me.

 

But then why is it that i feel like me being honest about how I felt feel so wrong now?

 

Is the fact that I love him that bad? Am I crazy?

 

Even if we were to break up, which ive tried multiple times but hed act indifferent first, then say that im abandoning him or what not, and end up just staying together, he still wont get out.

 

Its stressful knowing that someone that supposedly respects me, someone ive had multiple discussing respecting boundaries and opinions, refuses to just get out even after I tell them i dont want to be near them.

 

What do i do?

 

I just want the man i fell in love with back again. I just want to have that warm, kind, romantic guy that I could lean on. laugh with. that would understand my pov. I dont get it.

 

help me please.

[CoolCat771]

This guy is suffering from a Major Psychological disorder. He sounds like a textbook Narcissist to me. You need to excommunicate him. He showing very classic signs of mental abuse. He is legitimately in need of psychiatric help. He's toxic.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/497345-i-m-impossible-work-situation-should-i-move

 

Check me out. Tell me what you think.

Edited October 13, 2014 by CoolCat771

[CarrieT]

I just want the man i fell in love with back again. I just want to have that warm, kind, romantic guy that I could lean on. laugh with. that would understand my pov. I dont get it.

[/b]

I'm afraid that guy is gone. Considering the level of vitriol you two express at one another, there isn't much chance you can get back to where you were without extensive, heavy therapy and counseling (both individual and couples).

 

Personally, I think the relationship is a bad one and very toxic.

 

I would suggest YOU seek individual counseling, at least, to deal with your rape issues (I'm a triple rape victim, BTW) and end this relationship. You don't need a guy like this in your life.

[SugarAzn]

I've gone to counseling for the rape issue.

I've been completely okay and aware if I'm ever in a dangerous environment.

(lets say out clubbing late or party and guys are hitting on me in a provocative way)

 

I know Im not dumb or emotionally naiive but I'm still trying to wrap my head around how things went down south so quickly. Especially since everything was fine until he moved here and a couple bumpy months ( in which case I categorizes as 'normal' relationship bumbs )

 

I baffles me why and how this incident trigger such a strong response after 8 years of counseling and therapy.

 

(triple rape victim as well.)

 

How have you gone about coping? Have you experienced something similar to this?

[CarrieT]

One never knows where the triggers lie...

 

My rapes were two decades ago and last year - before I got married at the age of 50 - I had a total meltdown from a trigger.

 

The difference is that my fiancé understood my past and knew to be caring, loving and understanding in talking me through the incident. He encouraged me to get a counselor to work through the new trigger and worked hard to not exacerbate the situation.

 

It doesn't sound like your BF has those skills or is willing to learn how to be that man.

[CoolCat771]

I think you're drawn to the fire because of your past situations.

[SawtoothMars]

I've gone to counseling for the rape issue.

I've been completely okay and aware if I'm ever in a dangerous environment.

(lets say out clubbing late or party and guys are hitting on me in a provocative way)

I know Im not dumb or emotionally naiive but I'm still trying to wrap my head around how things went down south so quickly. Especially since everything was fine until he moved here and a couple bumpy months ( in which case I categorizes as 'normal' relationship bumbs )

I baffles me why and how this incident trigger such a strong response after 8 years of counseling and therapy.

(triple rape victim as well.)

How have you gone about coping? Have you experienced something similar to this?

 

Dealing with this takes a very understanding and patient man. It really doesn't sound like your current BF even loves you enough to care.

 

This won't end well for you if you continue dating him. You need someone who doesn't yell and scream... and who is very patient.

[Georgia2014]

My bf and I have been together for 1.5 year.

He recently moved from FL to CA almost 6 months ago. Things were like a yo-yo for a minute because I confronted him about being mean to me and asked him if he's acting out because he's not happy about his own life.

 

Since then, when we'd fight, he's actions seem to have escalated more.

He's yelled at me to the point where I've cried then just gone silent.

He's called me horrible names like C*nt, crazy, stupid, ect..

but it was all out of anger... ( is it supposed to be okay then if it was out of anger ? ) It still hurts but he's told me I should have gotten over it..

He's asked why I'm "holding onto" the "past"? ( is it really considered the past if I see his face every day and walk on egg shells sometimes ? )

 

We've tried to talk things out. His issues with the relationship have been that I haven't been able to give him the attention or time he wants. He understands I'm a full time student, and I was also working part time as a waitress 3-4x a week at night. He'd tell me that all he can do is "take it" but never really tried to initiate any cuddling sessions or when I'd come home on his days off he would try to be warm towards me. He'd be glued to the tv watching bball or netflix. (yet he has complained that I dont spend enough time with him ) Sometimes I'm out of it from a long day and I've asked him before why not he initiate something? It felt like he expected me to start everything despite me being tired. Yes, I would have homework to do but if he had wanted to cuddle or have a little "us" time i wouldve been extremely comforting. Ive told him that.

 

Recently we were arguing. He thought I was enjoying his "play fighting" when I really wasnt in the mood. I had tried to be nice to him that morning but it wasn't working so I just tried to calm down and get ready for work. It first started with him throwing one of my nice shirts on the ground bc he found it in his suitcase ( he had come back from a FL trip about a month ago) and I asked him, " did you really need to put my nice shirt on the ground? " and then he came over to me, threw my shirt on me then said "there, happy?" in an annoyed manner. Again, I told him, " all i did was ask you a question. I didn't tell you to bring my shirt or anything. It was just a question". He walks over again, takes my shirt and puts it back on the ground. At that point I was really upset. So I told him to just leave the room.

 

A couple mins later he came in ( im guessin he knew he had upset me ) and tried to joke around with me by getting in my face. I was in the middle of putting liquid foundation on and when I told him to get out of my face, he'd just push it. So I put some foundation on the side of his face, near his hair line, and he got upset. I acted all annoyed that now he had to take another shower and I told that I told him to leave me alone. He just smiled and continue to joke around to the point where I got up, chased him into the living room with some left over foundation on my hand acting as if Id put more on him (with a fake smile and all ). I only "joked/played" with him because he obviously wasnt getting the "leave me alone" message so I gave him what he wanted.

 

I started getting dizzy so I laid down to take a short nap. The comes into the room and gets on top of me trying to wake me up. Again, I told him to leave me alone I was tired. He gets off and I think he went to the bathroom. Couple minutes later he's ontop of me again naked with this dick in my face. He wipes it across my lips and keeps asking "if i want it". I just shaking my head back and forth because I was irritated at that point and honestly wanted to bite his dick off. He got more aggressive and that was when I was fighting flashbacks of me getting raped when I was younger and in a previous relationship. He had always been sensitive regarding the issue and Id tell him no he'd stop. He managed to get his dick in my mouth and I lost it. I told him to "get me in the mood" which failed miserably. I started to give him oral but then he got up to go back to the restroom.

 

I was shocked at that point all the while trying to tell myself that I wasn't getting raped by the man I love. He comes back and gets back on top of me w/o any explanation. I told him, " if you ever get up like that again im never giving you head again" . I finished giving him head and went over to get him some tissues to wipe himself as I went to get my clothes because I was cold. I started to head to the bathroom to wash my mouth and regain my composure but then he said, "well that was a waste of time" and I flipped. I told him "its not your were going to give me head anyways" and "did you really just say 'this' was a waste of time?!" I didn't see my bf anymore, i saw a rapist.

 

A screaming match ensued, I wanted to be left alone in the bathroom, trying not to cry. He pounds on the bathroom door so hard that I was afraid hed break it down so i open it. I screamed, " what am I a whore to you?!" and he replied "no but youre acting like one. who the **** puts their cloths back on after having sex?!" Again, " i told him I was cold and needed to use the restroom". He looked at me with irratation and said, "youre always making excuses"... He told me that I was making excuses...

I couldnt bare to look at him, i ran to the closet and started crying.I kept asking him "whyd he say that" and began to bawl. He asked why the hell was I crying for...

 

That point, I tried to leave the apartment. I guess he knew Id try to leave bc he was STILL harassing me, not answering me, just plan hurting me emotionally. I had to shove him away from the door, and told him hed need to find his own way to and from work and walked off driving to the grocery store parking lot. I think I blanked out bawling so hard in my car in the middle of the afternoon in my car in a damn parking lot.

 

By the evening there was little to no contact. He'd later told me that he was wrong for saying " it was a waste of time" and by then he had figure that I saw him as a rapist. He told me that in the past Id like it when he's a little forward with sex and that when I didnt want sex id tell him, "seriously i dont want sex, I mean it". So now it was like I have to say that exact phrase for him to believe me when I say no to him. Forget my body language or my facial expressions of annoyance and refusal.

 

He then "lost it" by saying how can I call him a rapist. that he was raised by mainly women in his family. That he had promised me to protect me with his life against such a person. He blew his top and said I needed to seek "help".

 

I went to work trying to stay busy and not let my emotions get the best of me. At that point i had texted him telling him he needs to get out of my apartment. Find a hotel or something I just wanted him out. He doesn't reply.

 

I get home late and he's in the living room asleep...

I walk into my bedroom exhausted, turned on my alarm for 2 hours, and made a mini bed on the floor. I had to go to the police station to report an assault or whatever bc some tired to restrain me as I walked to my car after work. That was scary. I didnt want to be on the actual bed because looking at it disgusted me. The alarm went off at 5:15am. I woke up turned it off realizing it wasnt set to the right time. My bf woke up, came into my room, turned on the light, and was asking me why Im on the floor, and asked " Im a rapist huh?". I pleaded him to leave me alone, that I was tired.

He kept trying to keep me up.

 

Again I lost it. I got up and tried to get to my car. " I cant ****ing have a decent "adult" conversation with you" he yelled as I tried to run out. ( what adult harasses someone multiple times when they are asked explicitly to leave their partner alone? ) I drove off to the same parking lot to clear my head. after about 30-45 minutes of crying and trying to gather myself, I drove back. I went into the apartment, straight into the bedroom to get a duffle bag to pack some stuff and leave. My bf was on the phone with his friend I think with all this stuff in the living room. I assumed he was going to leave.

 

He looked shocked and asked what the **** I was doing. I said Im leaving. He tried to grab/touch me and I freaked out. I was shaking from the stress. He looked at my hands and into my eyes. I know he saw that I was fighting back tears and that I was trembling. He came closer and tried to tell me that he was wrong for what he said and the reason why he had gotten up earlier when I started to give him his head was bc he went to take out his retainers so he could give me head. Bc he wanted to please me. ( mind you, he said nothing about his when I asked when the incident happened so i didnt believe him).

 

As soon as he touched me I broke down bawling, fetal position and all. I screamed and bawled so hard that I passed out. Later I felt him carry me onto the bed and ask me if I wanted him to stay with me. I was confused but didnt want to be alone. I whispered yes a couple of times and he laid next to me holding me, and fell asleep.

 

upon waking up, he asked me if I thought if he had really raped me. I denied it bc me telling him what he did was wrong for a whole day didnt work. I just wanted the harassment and hurt to stop.

 

Its been a 2 days since then. Obviously he's become detached and distant from me. He asked me if I wanted to stay with him and I ask him what he wanted. He just looked at me and asked me the same Q. I told him that i know hes not a bad person and heard him when he admitted what he did was wrong yesterday ( for saying having sex was a waste of time ) but he didn't apologize for anythings. He was able to be a 'friends' when I was freaking out bawling but he was now cold, indifferent towards me.

"if you want to be w me, its going to take some time. You've changed how I view women and you".

 

Its like he pinned all this pain on me. He made me feel like it was wrong of me to panic the way that I did from what he did. " you need help" he'd tell me.

 

The last time we touched was when he had to leave for work yesterday, Sunday, as I gave him a hug, kiss, and told him i love him softly. He looked at me, kissed me back and told me that he loves me too. ( used my full name ).

 

He told me not to cook dinner for him. Not even make some korean hot cakes that he likes and even sounded like he was looking forward to eating. When he came home he didnt want to be touched. Normally I can hold his hand when we sleep if we dont cuddle but he didnt even let me do that.

 

My question for the community is, have I completely gone of the deep end?

 

I tried to reflect and go over the whole incident in my head and to me, the way i reacted wasnt wrong of me.

 

But then why is it that i feel like me being honest about how I felt feel so wrong now?

 

Is the fact that I love him that bad? Am I crazy?

 

Even if we were to break up, which ive tried multiple times but hed act indifferent first, then say that im abandoning him or what not, and end up just staying together, he still wont get out.

 

Its stressful knowing that someone that supposedly respects me, someone ive had multiple discussing respecting boundaries and opinions, refuses to just get out even after I tell them i dont want to be near them.

 

What do i do?

 

I just want the man i fell in love with back again. I just want to have that warm, kind, romantic guy that I could lean on. laugh with. that would understand my pov. I dont get it.

 

help me please.

 

No offense you are crazy if you want him back. He will never be the same person you fell in love with. He raped you plain and simple. He forced his dick in your mouth. I was raped by my ex. He knew I didn't like anal but when he was drunk he would flip me over & force me to take it anal. I'm glad I left him. If you don't leave him you do need professional help. I'm not trying to be rude by saying that but he ignores your requests multiple times to be left alone then forcing his dick in your mouth? Why would you want to stay with him? He is also doing to you what my ex did puts the blame on you the victim. If you stay with him he will blame you for fights always. My ex did that the entire 6 months we were together. So trust me it won't get better it will get worse if you stay with him.

Edited October 13, 2014 by Georgia2014

[Chemist]

This sounds crazy similar to my situation, minus the whole rape aspect. I am working up to breaking up with a girl, I just haven't done it yet. The situations are similar in the aspect that we had huge fights over insignificant things. The points she is screaming at me, being irrational, impossible to communicate with. She has argued with me to the point I just quit. Quit trying, just let her have her tantrum and let it be that. Then it got worse, she would get mad that I didn't respond, get in my face, tell me she can kick my ass. She has punched me, kept getting physical until the point I have had to push her, shove her, even one time pushed me the point I grabbed her by her neck. It is the most unhealthy thing I have ever been in and yet, I keep at it.

 

I keep telling myself it will be like it was when we first started dating. She can be nice again, we just need to work on it more. I can talk to her about it when she isn't mad. Then I am just bringing up the past! Got I hate that ****ing statement.

 

She is so loving when she isn't freaking out. She cares about me, she is loyal, she is funny, we have a lot of things in common. It is what I am trying to fight for, but in the end, we have to realize we cannot change them. They will be how they are, and we need to ask ourselves if we can live with this for the rest of our lives?

 

I can not. And I think your situation is worse. I would be done with him before the dick on your mouth part. You should have decked him the cock. We are stuck in toxic relationships because we feel guilty leaving. Because in all of our fights, we are getting screamed at and we question what we are doing wrong to provoke such anger in someone.

 

I say you move on like I am planning to do.

[ExpatInItaly]

Get out. Now. He is an abuser and you have already been victimized several times by him. It's not going to get better. Life is too short to waste on a**holes.

[SugarAzn]

The thing is I'm realizing that the man i fell in love is no longer there.

And there are odd moments when there is this affable, empathetic man when I am in need .

I've tried to get him out of my life.

Hes cried in front of me// had tears in his eyes and it pulls at me.

He wont leave the apartment and the resources in my city are far from helpful. How did you leave?? [that was awful what your ex did to you ]

[Chemist]

The thing is I'm realizing that the man i fell in love is no longer there.

And there are odd moments when there is this affable, empathetic man when I am in need .

I've tried to get him out of my life.

Hes cried in front of me// had tears in his eyes and it pulls at me.

He wont leave the apartment and the resources in my city are far from helpful. How did you leave?? [that was awful what your ex did to you ]

 

That is what I have realized as well, that this time in our relationship was dead, or at least the person they were showing to us isn't their real selves. I know what you mean, there are moments where I think wow, she is a good person. They are just few and far between.

 

You have no relatives or family? A really good friend? Explain the situation to them. Tell them you need to get out for your life, and I guarantee you find someone who offers. Find a place to live before hand, plan it. Squirrel away money for 3 months if you need too.

 

Just disappear, don't tell him. You cut everything all at once. You move out, block him from facebook, suspend the account for a while, change your phone number, and hell, get a restraining order. Write him a note or don't, just do it.

 

Yeah, I had moved to Europe for a job, we are LD now, and that is how I realized all this anger, resentment, and stress I carry around was from our relationship.

[Georgia2014]

The thing is I'm realizing that the man i fell in love is no longer there.

And there are odd moments when there is this affable, empathetic man when I am in need .

I've tried to get him out of my life.

Hes cried in front of me// had tears in his eyes and it pulls at me.

He wont leave the apartment and the resources in my city are far from helpful. How did you leave?? [that was awful what your ex did to you ]

 

Call the police have them remove the rapist. Is he on the lease or just you? If it's just you on the lease show the police the lease they will have to remove him. Also inform them what he did to you.

 

Im not sure if it's me you are asking how did I leave? Luckily my parents helped me leave my ex. He had also drugged me with the date rape drug for a while to the point I lost my memory and I would stumble when I walked. It was really bad. I have a feeling your boyfriend will only get worse. He's an abuser like my ex.

 

Is there a woman's shelter for the abused? Maybe they can help get him out if the police won't.

 

Once you are rid of him do yourself a favor and get a new phone number. I got a new number and my ex doesn't know it. It's a pain updating your number with everyone but it's worth it for a piece of mind. Even if you block him he can still use another phone to call you. That's why I am suggesting change your number.

Edited October 13, 2014 by Georgia2014

[SugarAzn]

My name is on the lease and my family dont live in the city I live in.

I've kind of lost my social life after a really bad auto accident that made me move to my parents for a while and couldnt really communicate with anyone.

Ive tried the WEAVE hotline and shelter but they ended up hanging up on me...

[Georgia2014]

My name is on the lease and my family dont live in the city I live in.

I've kind of lost my social life after a really bad auto accident that made me move to my parents for a while and couldnt really communicate with anyone.

Ive tried the WEAVE hotline and shelter but they ended up hanging up on me...

 

Since it is your apartment and not his are the police not making him get out? What about the apartment management? They should be able to make him get out.

 

Here's an idea has he spent the night there 14 nights in a row and not on the lease? Usually in an apartment you are not allowed company no more than 14 nights in a row In 45 days without that person being on the lease. You could scare him by telling him that you will tell the apartment management and they will throw him out.

 

I did want to answer the title of your thread yes he is brainwashing you or at least he trying to. Don't fall for his phony tears or guilt trips about leaving him. That's what my ex did the old guilt trip.

Edited October 13, 2014 by Georgia2014

[Chemist]

I would sincerely discourage empty threats. If he calls you on it, and you can't back it up, you're living situation could get worse. I would speak with a lawyer if possible, there are many free and probono ones, especially if you are currently in school.

 

4 Ways to Get a Restraining Order - wikiHow

 

This seems to give the idea that your abuser can be court ordered to leave.

[SugarAzn]

I sent in a restraining order so now I have to wait to have someone serve him the papers.

Its absolutely draining because I'm a full time college student that recently became unemployed. My parents dont live near me and it's hard to ask my parents for money because they're having a bit of a hard time as well. ( they are thinking of moving back to Korea where live for them would be easier )

 

Has anyone gotten into a routine, like become a workaholic, to cope but consequently put off getting rid of their narcissist?

 

Ive been reflecting and I should have just kept him from coming here in the first place or I should have just kicked him out the first time he kept me in my apartment and insulting me w such vulgar words.

 

There have been times I've bawled so hard and I feel him in the room getting more annoyed but doesnt comfort me but actually puts me down even MORE because I'm crying. ( It takes a whole lot of stress for me to cry since I haven't really cried as much as I have been crying since I lost my grandfather about 3 years ago. )

 

Am I stupid for letting it get this bad? Or am i selfish that I just bury myself in work/school to cope and try to make sense of the issue ?

[CarrieT]

You have no control over things "getting that bad." But you do have control on how things move forward and it sounds like you have taken intelligent steps to separate yourself from negative influences.

 

Be strong and I commend you for not falling back into his drama.

[preraph]

Look, I'm not going to say he's a rapist, because there's a lot going on there that would need detailed examination, but I can tell you that his behavior is mean and too aggressive. His name calling of you is bad, and that has nothing to do with did he rape you or not. That is verbal abuse. He is abusive. Abusive guys will always apologize later to keep you there. That doesn't really mean anything because the behavior will resurface.

 

In this instance, I believe he finds it easier to justify acting worse with you because your issues with past rape give him a weapon to fire back blaming it on your sensitivity. So instead of being more sensitive and tender and considerate, he is getting out into the rude behavior and the rough behavior and then blaming you and making you the crazy one.

 

You've been to therapy. You probably will have issues forever in some form or another, but I can tell you they are not going to get any better until you get with a guy who treats you with respect. Just his bad habit of railing on you about not spending time and them him ignoring you while just watching sports is total disrespect. By "time," of course, he just means sex. He wants sex and even if you were a person who hadn't been raped and be sensitive, he would be too insensitive and too disconnected emotionally for a lot of women to want to have sex with, without doing anything to make you want to love on him.

 

I do think you should leave. He's too rough. He doesn't really know what love is. You want to protect the woman you love and make her happy and make her feel safe. He doesn't have that in him. And that's not your fault.

 

I see you had bad luck with a shelter. You might try calling the police station and asking for a victim's advocate, who can recommend you to a better resource.

Edited October 18, 2014 by preraph