amy1979 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I don't know where to post, so I'll post here. I believe my boyfriend of almost a year is addicted to porn. Now, let me first say that I have no issue with porn. Whatsoever. What I do have a problem with, is not being touched and having our sex life be replaced with said porn. That, I have a major issue with. Firstly, we just got back together after breaking up for about a month. We've been back together for a while now.. I'd say about 5 months. It's been a little rocky, but, we've definitely been a lot better than we used to be. I noticed a couple of things. Our sex life dwindled away. When we first got together, it was sex every night. And it was for at least 2 hours. He was always making sure that I was completely satisfied. Sex started to die after we moved in together. Before we broke up, it was dying more. I would get a lot of excuses. This is the reason, that is the reason. If I had a quarter for all the reasons, I'd be pretty rich right now. Anyway - When we got back together, for about 3 days, sex was great, frequent and a lot of fun. Then, it started to die again. I was told that my negativity was to blame. That it's an instant turn off. That I don't initiate. But, in reality, the reason why I don't initiate is because I'm afraid of being told no. I've tried a couple of times and I have been shut down. Which ultimately hurt me. Over the course of several months, I noticed that he would leave his "mess" in the sink. The toilet. His boxers would be messy and sometimes the inside of his shirt. I would immediately get upset because of the fact that he was masturbating while I was home or when I would leave for 10 minutes. He would get angry at me that I'm violating his privacy and going through his things, but in reality again, he's leaving it there for me to find it in plain sight. I then started finding a lot of porn history on my computer, including his gaming system. It would be when I wouldn't be home. I would know because he would close the blinds, or the volume on my computer would be down all the way. I talked to him about this. The first was, "I'm sorry. If it hurts you that bad, I won't do it again." Then it continued. But it continued with lies and hiding it. It just kept happening and happening. I had enough when I found it more on his gaming system and told him that if he didn't stop doing this, I would walk away. He lasted several days.. almost 2 weeks without doing it. Again, I wouldn't care if he watched porn every now and then if our sex life was active, but it's not. I don't know how many times I've beat myself up about it and have blamed myself, ended up in tears, questioning what is wrong with me. Saturday was the first night we had sex in a month and a half. Which was great. I wasn't necessarily done and when I asked for him to do something else, he snapped at me and said.. "I'm hot! Nothing is ever good enough for you, is it?!" And rolled over. I cried. Because I used to have a boyfriend that would spend any amount of time and whatever, to please me. No matter what it took. I just rolled over and put the covers over my head and cried. Last night, we had a small argument. I told him I was going to watch a movie and he was watching one in the living room. I noticed it got quiet, and he was sitting on the couch which faces the hallway to my room. He was searching porn. Do I know this for sure? No. I can only assume. Because as soon as I moved (He could see me in the bed from the living room), he immediately changed what he was doing and moved to the other couch. When I walked out, he was laying down with his hands in his pants. When I woke up this morning, I found cookie history on my computer from a porn website. Fortunately enough, I've blocked IP addresses to a few, but they still show up in the cookies. I then checked his gaming system and yep. There is was. He watches a lot of anal porn, and just recently I confessed to him about something that happened to me when I was a teenager. I have held this in for many years and the only person I have told it to, is my therapist. After 13 years, I finally told someone. I was intoxicated at a young age, and I was taken advantage of by 2 males that were in their late 20's. I couldn't say no, because I was so drunk, that I couldn't figure out exactly what to do and was too afraid. I had two men force anal sex on me. When I confessed this to him, he said nothing in return. Maybe he didn't know what to say. This is why I have an issue with anal porn. I have another issue with porn in general ONLY because he doesn't touch me. And that screws with my head. I'm debating on leaving. I'm told that my general attitude is the reason to blame for no sex. It feels like I'm being punished or put on restriction like a child until my behavior is positive and good in his eyes. I just don't think that he sees that how our sex life has drastically changed, that it puts me in a questioning, resentful, confused, hurt, angry type of mood. I don't know what else to do at this point and it seems like my feelings are not considered, respected and that he doesn't care about this relationship. I don't get it. I don't know what to do. I'm hurt. I'm crying. I'm angry. I'm upset. Help.
mammasita Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 My only question is this: What is so great about this relationship that you went back after breaking up? He has an issue and is not willing to deal with it or address it. You can't do anything to make him....all you can control is you. 3
Author amy1979 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 My only question is this: What is so great about this relationship that you went back after breaking up? He has an issue and is not willing to deal with it or address it. You can't do anything to make him....all you can control is you. I honestly don't know. He came back to me after the break up. Stating that he loves me and that he knows we're meant to be together. Even with this porn issue, I've asked him if there was something wrong with me.. if I'm not attractive anymore. "If I wasn't attracted to you, then I wouldn't be with you." He's always telling me he loves me more than anything, that he loves me so much. He has been attempting to make things better since the breakup. I can give him credit for that. I've never felt the way I did when I first met him. I fell completely head over heels. He was the biggest sweetheart, all my feelings were put into consideration, etc; We were in love. And he showed me how much in love he was with me. Now it just seems different? I honestly don't know.
Mr Scorpio Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Assuming that you can financially afford to leave him (living on your own, bringing in a new roommate, etc), I would dump him. It would be one thing if he were repentant and willing to work on the problem for the sake of the relationship. He isn't. A relationship can't work when only one partner is trying. He isn't pulling his weight, just his penis. Maybe give him an ultimatum, if for no other reason that you will know for certain that he knew what the situation was and he had a chance to fix it. Then, in a month when he comes back asking for a second chance, you can say "nuh-uh, sorry, already tried that". 7
Author amy1979 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 In the middle of writing an email to him about how I feel about the situation, I stopped and started to second guess my words. I'm wondering if my insecurity is at play, which in turn is hurting me because of his porn issues? Honestly. Am I creating more of a big deal than there really is? Should I go to him in a calm manner and express my feelings, rather than shoving an ultimatum down his throat in a rather hostile and insecure fueled way? I keep going back and forth wondering. I'm at a point that I'm confused in which way to approach. Or, to even just let it go. Have I made it such a big issue that maybe my attitude really 'is' a turn off to him? Could very well be true. It's hard to figure anything out, because he does NOT communicate. At all. It usually ends up one sided with him. I do this because you're that way, etc; Am I so blind that I don't see that maybe I am the reason? I know that a previous conversation we had about the issue, he said.. "I know I shouldn't do it. Because I have a girlfriend I sleep next to every night. But your attitude sucks." You know, maybe it is just me. I've already sent him a few texts, but his phone is dead. And now I'm afraid that I acted out in emotion too quickly before I had time to calm my thoughts and figure out a better way to address the issue. Am I so insecure that him watching porn makes me a jealous person and gives me self doubt? Possibly. But then again, I go back to.. He did it when I was in the room, awake. We rarely have sex. Maybe I really only have myself to fix. Absolutely confused.
darkmoon Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) i can only handle porn when i feel confident, but i keep that to myself, we watch we crit the boob jobs we try and figure out if the couple already know each other, he likes the guy's come shots (dfuq?) i do not take it seriously cuz i am valued by my partner out of bed, but you have not known each other terribly long and he has you feeling like you do one year into this relationship, and now you know him a little better than at first, meh he does not sound like a great boyf, find a replacement Edited October 13, 2014 by darkmoon
LoneIsland Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Excessive porn can lead to desensitization, thereby making porn less interesting. Maybe if you let him have all he can eat, soon it will no longer be so appetizing. You are jealous of his porn. I think this is what the fight is about. I can suggest you be subversive. You do this by joining his porn watching. You don't have to watch if it is horrible or disgusting to you. Just turn you head away. Instead you can help him in his masturbation, which can in fact lead to sex. In this arrangement, his physical experience is with you, which is what you want, but his visual experience is with the screen, which you have to overlook. Once there's no more fight between you and his porn, his feelings for you might then return. Start by giving him a mind blowing head or hand job as his watches his porn. This will be far superior to anything he can achieve when you are not present. Once you have control of his pleasure, you can then manoeuvre him however you please. 1
Quiet Storm Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 It sounds like he may have an addiction that he is not willing to address. I don't mind my husband watching it. After 23 years together, he still is very interested in me and motivated to meet my needs. He is an occasional user, and it has not escalated over the years (which seems to happen with some men). It seems like your BFs use is escalating. In new relationships, the chemistry & hormones often create an urgent need to please your partner. I suspect early in your relationship, the chemistry of new love motivated him to satisfy you. Now that you have been together for awhile, that urgent need to please should be morphing into a mutual desire to explore each other, satisfy each other and express your love through sex. It doesn't sound like that's happening, so you are left feeling neglected and insecure. As someone that has been in my relationship for many years, I can tell you that our physical bond is very important. Without that physical connection and desire, it would've been very easy for us to drift apart during some of the harder years in our relationship. Long term relationships face many obstacles - outside forces, like kids, job stress, family drama, sick parents, parents passing away, financial issues- and a sexual connection really helps to keep a couple connected and bonded during more difficult times. I would tell him how important a physical bond is to you and how much you miss that closeness. Say "I am not trying to control your porn use- that is not what this is about. This is about our relationship, our bond, and we cannot thrive or grow without a physical connection. I don't feel as close to you, and I really miss that feeling. It feels like you are not motivated to resolve this problem. Is our relationship important to you? Do you think a physical connection is important for us to grow as a couple? Do you prefer porn to real sex?"
rawrrxlaurr Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I had this issue to a certain extent with my ex. After living together for a while, I realized he watched lots of porn. And he'd sneak out of the room sometimes to do it in the middle of the night. I didn't care, only when, like you, I felt like it started effecting our sex life. Excessive masturbating can definitely lead to a decrease in your mans sex drive. After talking with my guy, he cut way back and it helped. I think it would help if instead of getting upset with him and chastising him for it, maybe you could have a sit down talk about your sex life and share different fantasies or new kinky things you'd like to try out in the bedroom. Or like previously suggested, suggest that you watch some together. I love watching porn with a boyfriend, but my ex never wanted to do that for some reason. I know what kind of porn he liked and everything, I guess it was just something he liked doing on his own. We were kinky enough in the bedroom I guess. 1
Gloria25 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 You know, I don't agree with the terms "sex addiction" or "porn addiction"... People do things for a reason..."sex addicts" probably like the trill of the chase, different vaginas/penises, etc.. "porn addicts" also have other things going on (i.e. the preference of getting off w/o having to be intimate with another person). Something in the RL is going on here...I think the shacking up also has to do with it. Either he wants out or you two have become "roommates". I'll say it a million times, IMO, shack-ups are not a progression in a RL, they are a step backwards in a RL.
SJS Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 This big of a problem and not even a full year in? I'd lose him. No matter what you say to him, he's going to see it as you nagging and just try to hide it better. At this point I wouldn't even try watching it with him...that should've been done months ago. Why are you staying? What is so great about him? Time to make a list of pros and cons, and figure out what you're willing to overlook and put up with, and if he's worth it. 1
Author amy1979 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 Sorry for the late response. I've done a lot of thinking today and of course, a lot of crying. After all of this thinking by myself, I think I've come to the conclusion that I just may be the problem. Previous relationship involved abuse in many forms and affairs. I think I've drug my past relationship into my present. I looked at all the issues we're having and their mainly issues with myself. I have very bad jealousy issues, trust issues and I lack self esteem and have a lot of self doubt. I have snooped through his phone a lot. I get extremely anxious when I do it. Always thinking I'm going to find something. I never do. Ever. I only did this because of his ex wife (I don't trust her) and because we would fight and he would leave for hours. I have gone through his FB. I have even looked through his wallet. It has gotten so extreme, that I've even counted the condoms we have in our nightstand. This is a problem with me. This is a problem I have obviously created. While typing this, I'm embarrassed. I've realized my behavior is a problem. I was previously going to therapy when we broke up. I stopped because I thought I could fix myself. I was wrong. My ex destroyed me in every aspect. Mentally and emotionally. Is this an excuse for his behavior? I don't know. But who would want to be intimate with someone who doesn't trust them? I can't be like this anymore. Therapy seems to be working in some other ways. But I have to fix this. He hasn't come home after work. I'm guessing he's out. We fish a lot together and he goes out fishing to relieve stress and just be alone. He may be back in a couple hours or he may not show up at all. He told me he's tired of me going through his things and not trusting him. He really hasn't given me a reason 'not' to trust him. I'm in my own little world in my mind. Everything that I do or attempt to do in regards to a relationship after my ex (5 years), I destroy. I'm sabotaging my relationship and I think I had a revelation today. A real eye opener. Sadly, I'm positive it's too late.
rawrrxlaurr Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 It's good to realize this though. A bigggg reason my relationship with my ex ended was because he was constantly going through my phone, facebook, etc. He never trusted me, he was always trying to keep me on a short leash due to his overwhelming insecurities. Eventually, I did have enough. You have to give people space. Maybe the reason that he hasn't been as sexually involved with you was because of those reasons. Maybe because of the invasions of privacy, he feels even more inclined to spend time alone and porn happens to be one of those alone time outlets. Honestly, you need to stop going through the internet history and game console history. If he was hiding anything, he would surely have erased it! Lol. Let him have his time, his own private sexual time, it's not personal. Everyone, esp guys being visual creatures, need that time where they can frankly get off without the pressure of having to please anyone else but themselves. I hope everything works out for you, and I hope that this porn thing is just a symptom of things going on in the relationship and not a full blown addiction. 1
Author amy1979 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 It's good to realize this though. A bigggg reason my relationship with my ex ended was because he was constantly going through my phone, facebook, etc. He never trusted me, he was always trying to keep me on a short leash due to his overwhelming insecurities. Eventually, I did have enough. You have to give people space. Maybe the reason that he hasn't been as sexually involved with you was because of those reasons. Maybe because of the invasions of privacy, he feels even more inclined to spend time alone and porn happens to be one of those alone time outlets. Honestly, you need to stop going through the internet history and game console history. If he was hiding anything, he would surely have erased it! Lol. Let him have his time, his own private sexual time, it's not personal. Everyone, esp guys being visual creatures, need that time where they can frankly get off without the pressure of having to please anyone else but themselves. I hope everything works out for you, and I hope that this porn thing is just a symptom of things going on in the relationship and not a full blown addiction. I think you are absolutely right. He has expressed that exact thing to me before. He has said that the mistrust and violating his privacy makes him not interested and irritates him. I thought these were just excuses to put the blame on me and not take responsibility for his actions, when in reality, I was causing said issues. I feel like I was blind. Numerous times he told me things and I would reply with.. "I'm so tired of being blamed. I didn't do anything!" And he would say.. "you're right. You never do anything wrong." I think all of my issues with myself have really created a problem here. I check the history constantly and only do so because he 'does' try to hide it. But cookies show the evidence. I think my first step is to let it go, leg him do his thing but work on myself, my issues and be a more positive person. When trust wasn't a factor or problem in our relationship, we had a very active sex life. I can understand 'now' more than I did before. He just got home and didn't say anything. I asked if we could talk and he said no, we'll talk tomorrow. For the first time ever, I backed off and said okay. I didn't attempt to press the issue.
rawrrxlaurr Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 That's awesome! It sounds corny but in a past relationship, not even most recent, I was big into "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" and one of the key points the author discusses about men is that sometimes they just need to distance themselves. It's called the "rubberband effect". They distance themselves, and the more the woman tries to pull him in against his will, the farther away he tries to go. But when the woman realizes and understands this about the man, and the more she gives him that space he needs, the sooner he will bounce back to her.
Arieswoman Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 OP, After I read this. Over the course of several months, I noticed that he would leave his "mess" in the sink. The toilet. His boxers would be messy and sometimes the inside of his shirt. Yuch, yuch, yuch.... And he leaves these for you to wash?! This tells me that, basically, he's a dirty slob who has no respect for you. Time to throw him out, methinks. 4
dreamingoftigers Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 seriously. read my threads. I am married to a porn addict. your sex life is not getting any better. living with this is HELL and you know it. You also know it ISN'T OKAY To live like this with someone who clearly has zero real sensitivity to your intimate and vulnerable feelings He'll say he does. He'll even look you in the eyes when he says it. and he doesn't want to lose you. But he will blame you for all of ut when he is doing the most ridiculous crappy behaviour. Stop seeing him as someone who is "just not getting enough consideration." Like someone who is just "frustrated and put off by your "negativity" or "neediness" or "controlling" or "insecurity." Because guess what? Being in a relationship with an obsessed porn addict is : LONELY, DEPRESSING, MAKES YOU FEEL INSECURE AND USED. It makes you want to seek reassurance or try to correct the problem or "correct yourself" so that you don't inconvenience him with your "pesky feelings" due to the trauma his behaviour causes. And it is traumatizing. And it does hurt. The lies get oldThe anxiety gets worse. You think "I thought I was a pretty good catch but I must npt be enough. I mean, why we would he keep turning me down." You aren't just "enough. " In fact you have suvh a high level of empathy with this guy that he sees you as a Mommy who will catch his hand in the cookie jar over and over but still love him anyway. You are that partner who over and over believes in him. Believes that he would behave well and treat you with consistent respect "if only". You can find a million "if onlies" It could be if only I was prettier, more positive, smekled beyter, had eter parts, was more understanding, if he hadn't had a bad childhood, if he wasn't so stressed, if if if if if if if. And guess what? He doesn't have a problem. He has it made. He has all of the sex he wants to be a part of. He has his roomate/buddy/Mother/girlfriend to dump on so he can take ZERO ACTUAL responsibility for his feelings or actions. He can just manipulate you into taking the fall for it. Because you see the guy he was to you. And THAT GUY would never intentionally hurt you. Especially over and over. He wouldn't just lie like a little kid and stick his hand in the cookie jar? Would he? One of the hardest parts about living with a porn addict is that he live in two minds. The one where you feel that deep connection. his touch and his words and everything else that goes with that. The way he is when he evokes those feelings in you. Then there's the other side. The passive-aggressive side that just doesn't give a f***. The one that can just say whatever lie or false indignity is easier to GET YOU OUT OF THE WAY to what he really wants to do Which is watch porn without guilt or shame. Incessantly. With impunity. You may see things relationally that you want to change about yourself . thing you can see that could hurt someone. Insecurities that haunt you. WE ALL HAVE THOSE. But this man is LITERALLY AND ACTUALLY engaging in an exvessive behaviour that is killing you intimatr life. You are willing to actually own your stuff and care about that. He is willing to say he is. And his actions don't match his words. What's he actually CONSISTENTLY DOING to how you he even views this as an issue and that your feelings matter in this regard. I mean aside from lying to you. This isn't about you "failing as a partner." This is about a guy acting like a teenager in his motjer's basement discovering his his fascination with his erection day in and day out. And trying to hide his dirty mags from his "mother." Who he plays the victim t. I have lived with this crapola for five years. I have been married for 8. We have a five year old daughter.. . That complicates things. I don't care what your exes did or what you did to them I don't care if you are so negative that you hate babies and kittens. I don't care if you weigh 600 lbs. He is directly, covertly and overtly mistreating you. In the most intimate and vulnerable way. It may be because blah or blah blah or blah blah blah. The reason is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Going through the Pit of Hell for a porn-addicts crumbs because he shines so bright in your heart sometimes is a s*** sandwich of a life that I would not serve to my worst enemy. I could shake you. Out of pure love and concern. This doesn't get better. You haven't even built a deeply enjoyyable long-term history. You have no children with him. You aren't married. . IT ONLY GETS SO MUCH WORS. For God's sakes RUN. IT ONLY GETS WORSE. Stop accepting that your issues are the cause or change of this You know he knows how to behave like a loving partner. BUT he is a crappy partmer for so many reasons. You bought into onevrelationship and he switched it with another. Remember your first date? Go back and envision him telling you: I am going to jerk it to porn all the time. I am going to make you feel so bad abput yourself that you examine every quality you have and find it lacking. You will crawl away from this relationship instead of walk. I will let you know deeply jurtful faults about yourself. I will make excuses not to have sex with you. So that I have more energy for porn. I awill be a lazy, selfish partner who refkrvys little care for your physical needs. I will lrave my semen wherever I damn well please and you can clean up after it. Your anxiety eill crush you all of the time. You will hope over and over that I am "really trying this time." Every effort you make will provide hope for a short while. Then I will crush it and go straight back to porn. Bevause you don't feserve my full attention unless you unconditionally satisfy what I want. But I want you to know it's because I am "really hurting/really care/am really trying hard/just can't take the presssure of your existence." Would you sign up for that? What does the relationship you want look like? I am guessing it looks nothing like this. I am guessing the partner you want wouldn't solidly s*** on the invitation to have physical intimacy. You are in the wrong place. You know it, I know it......... anyone married to a porn addict knows it. Check forums on porn addictions and sexual addictions. All of the longtime wives say the same damn things. We feel worthless because of this. Our partner blames us. Sex life sucks at best. Obsessed with his whores. And if you are younger and can leave one of these guys DO IT YESTERDAY. =amy1979;5947520]Sorry for the late response. I've done a lot of thinking today and of course, a lot of crying. After all of this thinking by myself, I think I've come to the conclusion that I just may be the problem. Previous relationship involved abuse in many forms and affairs. I think I've drug my past relationship into my present. I looked at all the issues we're having and their mainly issues with myself. I have very bad jealousy issues, trust issues and I lack self esteem and have a lot of self doubt. I have snooped through his phone a lot. I get extremely anxious when I do it. Always thinking I'm going to find something. I never do. Ever. I only did this because of his ex wife (I don't trust her) and because we would fight and he would leave for hours. I have gone through his FB. I have even looked through his wallet. It has gotten so extreme, that I've even counted the condoms we have in our nightstand. This is a problem with me. This is a problem I have obviously created. While typing this, I'm embarrassed. I've realized my behavior is a problem. I was previously going to therapy when we broke up. I stopped because I thought I could fix myself. I was wrong. My ex destroyed me in every aspect. Mentally and emotionally. Is this an excuse for his behavior? I don't know. But who would want to be intimate with someone who doesn't trust them? I can't be like this anymore. Therapy seems to be working in some other ways. But I have to fix this. He hasn't come home after work. I'm guessing he's out. We fish a lot together and he goes out fishing to relieve stress and just be alone. He may be back in a couple hours or he may not show up at all. He told me he's tired of me going through his things and not trusting him. He really hasn't given me a reason 'not' to trust him. I'm in my own little world in my mind. Everything that I do or attempt to do in regards to a relationship after my ex (5 years), I destroy. I'm sabotaging my relationship and I think I had a revelation today. A real eye opener. Sadly, I'm positive it's too late. 1
LoneIsland Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 (edited) I think my first step is to let it go, leg him do his thing You have to stop checking his underwear also. Porn and masturbation is like one of those all you can eat buffets. You'd think you can eat a lot before you go there. But once you get there, you can't eat very much. If he no longer needs to sneak around, all the excitement of it disappears. Even if you don't join him with his porn, you have to show him you are not threaten by it. And you shouldn't be threatened by it because he's just a silly little boy playing with himself. It is better that than him chasing other women, or doing other stuff that could be far worst. Also you shouldn't force him to show affection for you while he is still angry with you. Masturbation is very good for dissipating anger, and you should let him have at it. You can even speed up the dissipation if you assist him. For instance you can show him you care by buying him a box of man-sized tissues and place it at a location that is convenient for him. Edited October 14, 2014 by LoneIsland 1
Author amy1979 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 I don't know how to take dreamingoftigers post. It kind of shakes me to the core. Meaning, I think I can relate? It's odd. I know my behavior at some point is to blame. I really, really do. This is not just something I've made up in my mind or have just accepted to please him or fix the relationship. That would just be blanketing the issue. I know how hard I am to live with. I know I am highstrung at times. I know that I can flip from good to bad in a quick second. My mother has even told me that it was impossible for her and I to live together years ago. There's something deep down that has caused all of these issues with me. My therapist is doing a time line of things that I can remember throughout my life that have impacted me. All of them were negative. From my parents divorce, to my cousins suicide at age 14, to being taken advantage of at the age of 16 (I can't tell if it was rape, because I was so intoxicated, I couldn't say no), to being physically abused at the age of 19, going into a abusive marriage where I was cheated on several times, abused emotionally, mentally and physically, to recently 2 years ago of my fathers death. All of these things, I took blame. Except the divorce with my parents. I thought if I took my cousins call just minutes before she passed, I would have saved her. Or, if I wouldn't have done this, my ex wouldn't have hit me. If I would have said no, or if I would have told someone about the two older men forcing anal sex on me without feeling like it was my fault or being perceived as a whore, then that wouldn't of happened. My therapist has told me that I have taken the blame for everything in my past. And there's honestly some things you can't do to prevent things from happening. So that takes me back to all of this. Is this me being accepting of blame like I have been my entire life? OR, is this legitimately based somewhat on my behavior as a negative person? Because as I've said before, I can be a really, really negative person. And I know when I'm doing it. And I don't care. And then when I look back at it an hour or so later, I feel stupid for even being such a negative person to begin with. It's complicated. This is my mind. This is why I'm going to therapy. He slept on the couch last night for a few hours. He ended up coming to bed at some point. Didn't touch me, didn't cuddle, didn't say I love you. Nothing. This morning before he left for work, he kissed me and said that he would talk to me after he gets off work. I asked him to wait.. I said, "Is everything okay with us?" He said "We just can't keep doing this." I said, "What do you mean? Are we breaking up?" He said, with a look like I was assuming the worst.. "No. That's not what I want. We just can't keep doing this. I'll talk to you when I get off work. I'm already late." I was like.. "Okay. I'm just afraid that you're going to leave or something." And he just replied with.. "I'm not going anywhere." I told him I loved him and he said I love you too. So who knows. I'm afraid he's going to leave. But maybe I should stop expecting the worst and just be optimistic. When we went out Saturday night, like an idiot, I was drunk and went through his phone. I confessed this after we had a small argument Sunday night. He was upset about a bill that hasn't been paid. He said you can't keep things like that from me. I said, well, you can't keep visitations from me and plans to out of town to see your kids while you're ex wife is going through a breakup. So, don't expect me to tell you things if you can't be honest with me either. The message was later deleted and I knew about it. He told me that he was telling her he was coming out (Which we can't afford it at all) just so that she would relax and get off his back, or something to that extend. And that, is the straw on the camels back. Should of kept my mouth shut. Actually, I should have just not done ANYTHING. Should of respected his privacy. And I believe the first step to make progress, is don't touch his ****. Honestly. Leave it alone. Unless I have clear evidence sitting in my face of things that could be potentially damaging to our relationship, then I need to just chill, love life, love him and be happy. Because if I continue to be the way that I currently am now, it's going to spiral downwards. Sure, he's no angel. He can be a jerk most of the time. But so can I. Also - sorry for the long post. 1
Gloria25 Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 amy1979, First, let me say I commend you for taking an introspective look as to what's going on cuz, IMO, people are quick to list all the things are wrong with the other person w/o looking at what roll he/she plays in being with that person. It takes two to tango.... I believe the porn is him trying to get his needs met w/o being intimate with you - probably because of the things you discussed here (i.e. the snooping). Now, while I also commend you for seeking therapy and help for what you've had to deal with in life, I believe you (and others) gotta work hard against allowing that to leak into your RL. Cuz yes, I do believe in a RL both people are supposed to support each other through things - but IMO, there's certain things that a mate is not only not capable of assisting with (cuz they do not have a degree in psychology), but you should not burden them with. At this point, I think that to repair this you can only show him through your actions. You already KNOW what you're doing to push him away (the drunkeness, insecurities, snooping)....you gotta STOP doing it. PERIOD. Give it time, when he sees you're consistent with stopping all those things that were pushing him away, he'll come around. If he goes and sleeps on the couch, don't bycth, don't cry, don't nothing. Wait for him to come to the bedroom...or, just go and cuddle up next to him. No begging, no soliciting sex, nothing. Also, in the mean time, as you are stopping doing the things that were pushing him away. Don't talk about it, don't bring it up, don't ask him anything. Just go about life and be the best person you can be in the RL. Men aren't like women where they wanna "talk it out", they wanna see actions. Plus, you brining up whether or not he's impressed with the changes you've made, where is the RL going, all that's gonna just upset him. Good luck, 1
Author amy1979 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 I think you are absolutely right. I wanted to write him an apologetic letter for my behavior and actions. I wanted to let him know that it's unacceptable and I shouldn't treat him that way, nor invade his privacy or not trust him. Then again, I don't want to create a mess. He didn't want to talk last night, he didn't have time to talk this morning.. He said we would talk tonight. Maybe if I come to him before he comes to me, it might make him upset. Especially now that he's at work. My anxiety is going crazy because I don't know what this evening will bring. But like I said before, I just need to be optimistic. Usually when we have arguments, he'll leave. He does not like confrontation. He does not like arguing. He will literally let it go without talking about it, apologize in the morning and move on. That kills me, because I'm a talker. Talk, talk, talk. I want to talk and I want to talk now. Another issue. I need to respect his feelings and let him cool off or think, because we definitely do it differently. Maybe a "I'm really sorry for violating your privacy and making you feel like I do not trust you. My behavior and actions were uncalled for and I am sorry that I made you feel the way you do now. I love you." ?
LoneIsland Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 His need for communication is far lower than yours. This is his nature and you are not going to be able to change it. For men with few words, their words usually count. He already told you he wasn't leaving. So you should believe him on that. Just wait for his talk and stop conjuring up all kinds of things to scare yourself. 2
cerridwen Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 It saddens me, OP, to see the amount of self-doubt you carry. You can't help but feel his treatment of you is shabby (and rightfully so!) but you're also quick to assume blame for a large portion of the break down. You can't apologize fast enough. :/ From where I sit--reading your story--it's clear that this relationship follows the abusive pattern of your history. From one form of mistreatment to another, this relationship continues the cycle. Your past has acclimated you to a high tolerance for b.s. behaviour, OP.. And his behavior is b.s.. 1
Targetlock Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 i honestly cant understand why would he need to watch porn when he can have the real thing with his girlfriend? when i was in a relationship wasn't interested in porn at all, found it weird to be honest and pointless almost mainly because the only girl i could think of at the time was my girlfriend. 1
Quiet Storm Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 It's good that you see your faults and are willing to change. However, your issues are separate from his issues. Being accepting, sweet, understanding, admitting your faults, stopping the snooping- none of that will change anything unless he wants to change. You both have issues. Those issues are creating a dysfunctional dance and unhealthy dynamic. Your issues + his issues=not a good match. I suggest you be on your own for awhile. You haven't healed from your ex, and these unresolved issues and insecurities mean that you are emotionally fragile. That's OK. You've been through a lot. You need to protect yourself from emotional harm because you haven't healed yet. And a guy who watches tons of porn, lies about it and refuses sex with you is not good for your emotional health right now. It's hard for you to cope. His behavior hurts you, and it's understandable. You want to find a way to not be hurt by it, to take the blame because if you caused it, it won't hurt so much. You want to swallow your feelings and tell yourself "He turns to porn because I'm insecure and don't trust him". I think you should be telling yourself "This guy is not good for me." 1
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