I thought honesty was the best policy; is it love or nah

[SugarAzn]

My bf and I have been together for 1.5 year.

He recently moved from FL to CA almost 6 months ago. Things were like a yo-yo for a minute because I confronted him about being mean to me and asked him if he's acting out because he's not happy about his own life.

 

Since then, when we'd fight, he's actions seem to have escalated more.

He's yelled at me to the point where I've cried then just gone silent.

He's called me horrible names like C*nt, crazy, stupid, ect..

but it was all out of anger... ( is it supposed to be okay then if it was out of anger ? ) It still hurts but he's told me I should have gotten over it..

He's asked why I'm "holding onto" the "past"? ( is it really considered the past if I see his face every day and walk on egg shells sometimes ? )

 

We've tried to talk things out. His issues with the relationship have been that I haven't been able to give him the attention or time he wants. He understands I'm a full time student, and I was also working part time as a waitress 3-4x a week at night. He'd tell me that all he can do is "take it" but never really tried to initiate any cuddling sessions or when I'd come home on his days off he would try to be warm towards me. He'd be glued to the tv watching bball or netflix. (yet he has complained that I dont spend enough time with him ) Sometimes I'm out of it from a long day and I've asked him before why not he initiate something? It felt like he expected me to start everything despite me being tired. Yes, I would have homework to do but if he had wanted to cuddle or have a little "us" time i wouldve been extremely comforting. Ive told him that.

 

Recently we were arguing. He thought I was enjoying his "play fighting" when I really wasnt in the mood. I had tried to be nice to him that morning but it wasn't working so I just tried to calm down and get ready for work. It first started with him throwing one of my nice shirts on the ground bc he found it in his suitcase ( he had come back from a FL trip about a month ago) and I asked him, " did you really need to put my nice shirt on the ground? " and then he came over to me, threw my shirt on me then said "there, happy?" in an annoyed manner. Again, I told him, " all i did was ask you a question. I didn't tell you to bring my shirt or anything. It was just a question". He walks over again, takes my shirt and puts it back on the ground. At that point I was really upset. So I told him to just leave the room.

 

A couple mins later he came in ( im guessin he knew he had upset me ) and tried to joke around with me by getting in my face. I was in the middle of putting liquid foundation on and when I told him to get out of my face, he'd just push it. So I put some foundation on the side of his face, near his hair line, and he got upset. I acted all annoyed that now he had to take another shower and I told that I told him to leave me alone. He just smiled and continue to joke around to the point where I got up, chased him into the living room with some left over foundation on my hand acting as if Id put more on him (with a fake smile and all ). I only "joked/played" with him because he obviously wasnt getting the "leave me alone" message so I gave him what he wanted.

 

I started getting dizzy so I laid down to take a short nap. The comes into the room and gets on top of me trying to wake me up. Again, I told him to leave me alone I was tired. He gets off and I think he went to the bathroom. Couple minutes later he's ontop of me again naked with this dick in my face. He wipes it across my lips and keeps asking "if i want it". I just shaking my head back and forth because I was irritated at that point and honestly wanted to bite his dick off. He got more aggressive and that was when I was fighting flashbacks of me getting raped when I was younger and in a previous relationship. He had always been sensitive regarding the issue and Id tell him no he'd stop. He managed to get his dick in my mouth and I lost it. I told him to "get me in the mood" which failed miserably. I started to give him oral but then he got up to go back to the restroom.

 

I was shocked at that point all the while trying to tell myself that I wasn't getting raped by the man I love. He comes back and gets back on top of me w/o any explanation. I told him, " if you ever get up like that again im never giving you head again" . I finished giving him head and went over to get him some tissues to wipe himself as I went to get my clothes because I was cold. I started to head to the bathroom to wash my mouth and regain my composure but then he said, "well that was a waste of time" and I flipped. I told him "its not your were going to give me head anyways" and "did you really just say 'this' was a waste of time?!" I didn't see my bf anymore, i saw a rapist.

 

A screaming match ensued, I wanted to be left alone in the bathroom, trying not to cry. He pounds on the bathroom door so hard that I was afraid hed break it down so i open it. I screamed, " what am I a whore to you?!" and he replied "no but youre acting like one. who the **** puts their cloths back on after having sex?!" Again, " i told him I was cold and needed to use the restroom". He looked at me with irratation and said, "youre always making excuses"... He told me that I was making excuses...

I couldnt bare to look at him, i ran to the closet and started crying.I kept asking him "whyd he say that" and began to bawl. He asked why the hell was I crying for...

 

That point, I tried to leave the apartment. I guess he knew Id try to leave bc he was STILL harassing me, not answering me, just plan hurting me emotionally. I had to shove him away from the door, and told him hed need to find his own way to and from work and walked off driving to the grocery store parking lot. I think I blanked out bawling so hard in my car in the middle of the afternoon in my car in a damn parking lot.

 

By the evening there was little to no contact. He'd later told me that he was wrong for saying " it was a waste of time" and by then he had figure that I saw him as a rapist. He told me that in the past Id like it when he's a little forward with sex and that when I didnt want sex id tell him, "seriously i dont want sex, I mean it". So now it was like I have to say that exact phrase for him to believe me when I say no to him. Forget my body language or my facial expressions of annoyance and refusal.

 

He then "lost it" by saying how can I call him a rapist. that he was raised by mainly women in his family. That he had promised me to protect me with his life against such a person. He blew his top and said I needed to seek "help".

 

I went to work trying to stay busy and not let my emotions get the best of me. At that point i had texted him telling him he needs to get out of my apartment. Find a hotel or something I just wanted him out. He doesn't reply.

 

I get home late and he's in the living room asleep...

I walk into my bedroom exhausted, turned on my alarm for 2 hours, and made a mini bed on the floor. I had to go to the police station to report an assault or whatever bc some tired to restrain me as I walked to my car after work. That was scary. I didnt want to be on the actual bed because looking at it disgusted me. The alarm went off at 5:15am. I woke up turned it off realizing it wasnt set to the right time. My bf woke up, came into my room, turned on the light, and was asking me why Im on the floor, and asked " Im a rapist huh?". I pleaded him to leave me alone, that I was tired.

He kept trying to keep me up.

 

Again I lost it. I got up and tried to get to my car. " I cant ****ing have a decent "adult" conversation with you" he yelled as I tried to run out. ( what adult harasses someone multiple times when they are asked explicitly to leave their partner alone? ) I drove off to the same parking lot to clear my head. after about 30-45 minutes of crying and trying to gather myself, I drove back. I went into the apartment, straight into the bedroom to get a duffle bag to pack some stuff and leave. My bf was on the phone with his friend I think with all this stuff in the living room. I assumed he was going to leave.

 

He looked shocked and asked what the **** I was doing. I said Im leaving. He tried to grab/touch me and I freaked out. I was shaking from the stress. He looked at my hands and into my eyes. I know he saw that I was fighting back tears and that I was trembling. He came closer and tried to tell me that he was wrong for what he said and the reason why he had gotten up earlier when I started to give him his head was bc he went to take out his retainers so he could give me head. Bc he wanted to please me. ( mind you, he said nothing about his when I asked when the incident happened so i didnt believe him).

 

As soon as he touched me I broke down bawling, fetal position and all. I screamed and bawled so hard that I passed out. Later I felt him carry me onto the bed and ask me if I wanted him to stay with me. I was confused but didnt want to be alone. I whispered yes a couple of times and he laid next to me holding me, and fell asleep.

 

upon waking up, he asked me if I thought if he had really raped me. I denied it bc me telling him what he did was wrong for a whole day didnt work. I just wanted the harassment and hurt to stop.

 

Its been a 2 days since then. Obviously he's become detached and distant from me. He asked me if I wanted to stay with him and I ask him what he wanted. He just looked at me and asked me the same Q. I told him that i know hes not a bad person and heard him when he admitted what he did was wrong yesterday ( for saying having sex was a waste of time ) but he didn't apologize for anythings. He was able to be a 'friends' when I was freaking out bawling but he was now cold, indifferent towards me.

"if you want to be w me, its going to take some time. You've changed how I view women and you".

 

Its like he pinned all this pain on me. He made me feel like it was wrong of me to panic the way that I did from what he did. " you need help" he'd tell me.

 

The last time we touched was when he had to leave for work yesterday, Sunday, as I gave him a hug, kiss, and told him i love him softly. He looked at me, kissed me back and told me that he loves me too. ( used my full name ).

 

He told me not to cook dinner for him. Not even make some korean hot cakes that he likes and even sounded like he was looking forward to eating. When he came home he didnt want to be touched. Normally I can hold his hand when we sleep if we dont cuddle but he didnt even let me do that.

 

My question for the community is, have I completely gone of the deep end?

 

I tried to reflect and go over the whole incident in my head and to me, the way i reacted wasnt wrong of me.

 

But then why is it that i feel like me being honest about how I felt feel so wrong now?

 

Is the fact that I love him that bad? Am I crazy?

 

Even if we were to break up, which ive tried multiple times but hed act indifferent first, then say that im abandoning him or what not, and end up just staying together, he still wont get out.

 

Its stressful knowing that someone that supposedly respects me, someone ive had multiple discussing respecting boundaries and opinions, refuses to just get out even after I tell them i dont want to be near them.

 

What do i do?

I just want the man i fell in love with back again. I just want to have that warm, kind, romantic guy that I could lean on. laugh with. that would understand my pov. I dont get it.

 

help me please.

[Quiet Storm]

He is not going to turn into the man you fell in love with again. He is showing you who he really is. Will you believe his actions or his words? Or will you continue to have faith that he will change time & time again?

 

You are in a very dysfunctional relationship. This dynamic is not healthy at all. He should be enhancing your life. Is this the kind of life you want? If you stay with him, this will be your life- constant drama and feeling bad. This kind of dynamic is not going to suddenly morph into a healthy relationship. It's just not.

 

If he won't leave, then go stay with your parents, friends or family. If it's your name on the lease, find out what you can legally do to get him out (usually you have to give 30 days written notice), and stay somewhere else in the meantime.

 

You need counseling to cope with what has happened to you in your life. You have a lot of unresolved emotions and you need help navigating this. Some things are just too much to cope with on our own, and that's OK.

 

Staying with him just sends the message that you will tolerate and accept this behavior, regardless of how much you cry or tell him he hurt you. The only way to send the message that this is unacceptable and that you are better than this, is to break up and leave.

 

I'm so sorry, but this is not a good guy. You fell in love with him before you saw his true colors, but now you know what he is capable of. That love & devotion has kept you with him, because you keep going to back to "what is was in the beginning". You see his potential, and hope and wish he'll change back to that, instead of seeing the reality that he is not a good boyfriend.

 

You are starting to see it now, but you have got to put distance between you. Don't think about all the good times, because there are no good times that are enough to balance this out. You are too emotionally involved and his apologies, his excuses, the way he turns things around on you, will influence you. His lack of respect and consideration for you is unforgivable. It's very important that you get yourself away from his influence, and around people that really care about you.

 

Be careful. Prepare yourself for more drama, and have a plan for how you will respond to him. He does not sound like a stable guy, and when he realizes you are really done with him, he may lash out at you.

 

(((hugs)))

[SugarAzn]

Thank you so much. I have tears in my eyes.

I was thinking of calling the police to remove him but I dont have a lot of faith in the law enforcement here in my city.

I dont to have to wait 2 hours for the police to remove some and possible require me to be in the area.

 

Would that work? Can I call the police on him and get him arrested?

He's kept me from leaving my apartment several times but I dont know if that's enough for police to hold him and keep him away from me for good.

As for the rape, Im still battling not to pin that on him even though he did exactly the textbook definition of a rapist...

[Quiet Storm]

I don't know what the police would do- if his name is on the lease they may not be able to make him leave. They can probably arrest him based on what he did, but it's likely he will get out in a few days and come back angry and vengeful.

 

It's so hard to offer advice to you because options like calling police and contacting women's shelters are great- when the system works. The fact is that there is no guarantee the police will protect you or keep him in jail. He seems emotionally unstable. So it's a precarious situation- you want him gone but don't want to put your safety even more at risk. Getting him out may take some thought and planning.

 

Do you have any texts or voicemails saved where he apologizes and admits what he did? If you contact the police, they will need some kind of evidence, as they will not be able to keep him in jail based on your word alone. You can look into getting a restraining order or protective order against him.

 

I'm worried for you. Do you have any family or friends you can go to? You need support to help you through this.