Finally had marriage talk with bf of 3 years

[chelle21689]

So my bf and I have been together officially for 3 years, 3 1/2 if you count us "talking" and going out in dates getting to know each other. He is 24 and I am 25. On Saturday, I finally managed the courage to talk about marriage even though we are completely comfortable talking about everything, this topic scared me even. I didn't know how he would react. I've always known one day he wanted to get married and have kids but I didn't know for sure if it was with me.

 

We had a date night which went very well, so I thought I might as well bring it up...now or never. I asked him if he could see us getting married one day. He was taken by surprised because the conversation came out of no where and started joking asking if I was proposing. I told him I am serious and that I need to know. He nodded and said yes. He asked if I see myself wanting to marry him one day, and I said "well yeah...why would I stick around in this relationship?"

 

I asked him, when does he see us getting married. He gave me a range between 27-32. I personally see myself getting married 27-29...not that I'm not willing to wait until I am 30 but I prefer before 30. I told him this but I'm not sure how well I made this clear.

 

What do you think of our age ranges we expect to marry? I think 30 is too long, we would be dating for 8 years. I feel like this conversation will need to be revisited again in he future some time.

 

We talked about kids too. At least one at most 3...I want to say I want to have kids before I'm 30 but I don't think I'm ready....so I guess kids aren't really my priority because I want a career and to travel. He's on higher same page, he needs to finish school.

 

Also if we want to marry each other one day, why not just have a long engagement? Just curious, not that I am expecting a ring NOW.

[Keenly]

Most 24 year old guys are not thinking about marriage, and sometimes when out on the spot they will just say what you want to hear.

 

 

What's the hurry to get married?

[mammasita]

I don't think that any man under 30 is truly ready to get married and even at 30, they're just starting to think about it seriously.

 

Don't rush him.....it will backfire.

[chelle21689]

So you think he's just saying what I want to hear?? What's the point in me even having the conversation if it's a lie...

 

No rush, after three years I think I should have the right to know if we will EVENTUALLY head there...I'm not expecting a ring now, I'm just wanting to know if we have the same expectations.

[ExpatInItaly]

So you think he's just saying what I want to hear?? What's the point in me even having the conversation if it's a lie...

 

No rush, after three years I think I should have the right to know if we will EVENTUALLY head there...I'm not expecting a ring now, I'm just wanting to know if we have the same expectations.

 

You've just discovered that you don't. You want to get married earlier than he does. Those are not the same expectations.

 

As for having a long engagement, only he can answer that. Some guys would be okay with that, others not. (Same goes for women) Did you ask him about it? I think at 24, he is likely not even considering engagement yet. I understand why you wanted to talk to him about it; as you said, you've been together a few years so it's not unreasonable to discuss your future. However, you have different timelines. It will need to be re-visited in the future, though I would leave it alone for now.

[Mr. Lucky]

You've just discovered that you don't. You want to get married earlier than he does. Those are not the same expectations.

 

Agreed. chelle21689, I give your BF a lot of credit for being honest with you. Think long and hard about what he's told you as, fully informed, you lose the right to arrive unmarried at age 30 and ask "how did this happen"?.

 

If you really want to be married in 3-5 years, he's probably not the one...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that you have different hopes about marriage, and it's good that you brought this up now. You have some thinking to do.

[d0nnivain]

You put it out there. You started the conversation & got a relatively positive response. Leave it be for a while & let him mull over what you said in peace for a few months. You can bring it up again after Valentine's Day. If you do it any earlier it looks like you are pushing for an engagement ring for Christmas, or V-Day.

[Els]

No rush, after three years I think I should have the right to know if we will EVENTUALLY head there...I'm not expecting a ring now, I'm just wanting to know if we have the same expectations.

 

To be fair he did say he does intend to 'eventually' head there. Or those are his words, at least. What do his actions say? Do they strike you as the actions of a man who's investing in a potentially lifelong R?

 

What do you think of our age ranges we expect to marry? I think 30 is too long, we would be dating for 8 years. I feel like this conversation will need to be revisited again in he future some time.

 

My opinion is that nobody's opinion re: your age should matter, aside from yours and your partner's. Some will say that it is too long a wait, and some will say that it is too early. You can't please everyone.

 

Personally I know people who waited more than 8 years and eventually got married (though they did start very young, in their teens even). I also know people who got married at your age. It really just depends on what you want for yourself.

[CarrieT]

He gave me a range between 27-32. I personally see myself getting married 27-29...not that I'm not willing to wait until I am 30 but I prefer before 30. I told him this but I'm not sure how well I made this clear.

This is going to become a big issue for you...

 

You want a marriage in the next two to three years and he - rightfully so - said he may not be ready for another six or seven.

 

Is there something about wanting it before 30 that is digging at you so much?

 

Honestly, I think EVERYONE should wait until their early 30s at least before getting married because so much changes in those years from 28 to 32. I have written at length about it before on this site and elsewhere. Your entire personality, what you want in life, and your perspective CHANGE in those years and many relationships do not survive that era. I am 50 now and I can't tell you how many times I have seen relationships end - for one reason or another - when those involved start going through that phase of life.

[chelle21689]

I guess it is my biological time clock worrying me. I'll be 26 soon, lol. I've read that women in their 30's fertility tends to drop and as you get older the chances for complications increase. I just see tying the knot as a thing you do before... I just prefer to not have a baby and then get married no offense to anyone.

[d0nnivain]

Fertility does change after 30 but it's not insurmountable. Don't put more pressure on this guy just yet.

[xxoo]

I guess it is my biological time clock worrying me. I'll be 26 soon, lol. I've read that women in their 30's fertility tends to drop and as you get older the chances for complications increase. I just see tying the knot as a thing you do before... I just prefer to not have a baby and then get married no offense to anyone.

 

This makes all the sense in the world to me. People have reasons for waiting until 30s or 40s to start families, from career to travel to personal preference to not finding the right partner.

 

But for a person who has found the right guy and wants to start a family in her 20s, it makes a lot of sense!

 

I'd tell your boyfriend just that. And then LISTEN to what he has to say. He may not want to be married and have kids in his 20s, simple as that. And if that is the case, you need to decide if you want to stay with him or cut your losses and try to meet someone who is ready for that step in the next 5 years.

[Ruby Slippers]

I guess it is my biological time clock worrying me. I'll be 26 soon, lol. I've read that women in their 30's fertility tends to drop and as you get older the chances for complications increase. I just see tying the knot as a thing you do before... I just prefer to not have a baby and then get married no offense to anyone.

I think this is very smart. I've recently started learning more about fertility, as I'm 38 and want kids. Fertility starts to drop mid-20s.

 

Reviewing the facts has made me realize that I don't have any more time to waste. So for the near future, I'm not going to bother dating anybody I don't see as a potential husband and father of my kids.

 

Now I wish that I'd been more focused about this when I was younger. I think it's very smart that you are. If I had it to do over again, I'd definitely hope to be married before 30, and start having kids by 30 at the latest.

[Quiet Storm]

 

Honestly, I think EVERYONE should wait until their early 30s at least before getting married because so much changes in those years from 28 to 32. I have written at length about it before on this site and elsewhere. Your entire personality, what you want in life, and your perspective CHANGE in those years and many relationships do not survive that era. I am 50 now and I can't tell you how many times I have seen relationships end - for one reason or another - when those involved start going through that phase of life.

 

I definitely don't think everyone should wait until their early 30s to get married, because if kids are a factor, it could significantly affect their fertility and/or chance of having a healthy baby.

 

I agree people change, but if you are both committed, a couple can mature and grow together. A person's entire personality usually does not change, IMO, unless they already have issues to begin with. The more likely scenario is that the couple just didn't know each other that well, and when their true colors showed, they grew apart.

 

I'm not going to recommend people marry at 20 like I did, but I think 25-26 is plenty old enough if the person is otherwise a good candidate for a lifelong partner. A "good candidate" would have good coping skills, is emotionally stable, is considerate of others, is addiction free, has similar values, etc.

 

The problem is that many people have family of origin issues, insecurities, bad coping skills, are self centered, addictions, etc. These people, regardless of age, are bad deals for a marriage. And many people get into relationships with people like this, ignore the red flags and blame it on age when the truth is they married a jerk and were too blind to see it. And it's not that they weren't wise enough to realize, in most cases the signs are there, they are just ignored.

 

So I think if you are an emotionally healthy person, and your partner is the same, the chances of sudden personality changes are pretty low. Most of us have stable personalities, and although we mature and become wiser, we are still basically the same people.

 

If having kids is important to a woman, fertility is a very important consideration. I am not suggesting that women marry anyone just to get pregnant by age 28. I just think saying EVERYONE should wait is wrong. People with issues should wait. People in dysfunctional relationships should wait. People who are clearly immature or self centered should wait. But emotionally healthy 25 YO individuals in a stable long term relationship, who want the same things, can have a successful marriage. They may feel that declining fertility is a greater concern than the risk of a late 20s personality change, and I think that's a smart choice to make.

 

In this particular case, I think it's great that you are considering fertility when making choices about your life. Like many women, having kids is important to you, and part of your life plan. We make plans and timelines when it comes to our careers and education, why shouldn't we when it comes to having kids? Your BF isn't ready yet, and that's OK. Now you have to decide what to do with that information. Is it better to hold out and wait for him to be ready? Or better to start over and look for a guy who is ready? That's debatable and no one can predict the outcome.

 

Being a mom is the most rewarding experience of my life, and my marriage would still be worth it if my husband had suddenly changed and wanted to divorce me at age 29, because of my kids. I would have never thought "I should've never married him so young" because that would mean I wouldn't have these three awesome kids.

Edited October 15, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[intricate]

I asked him, when does he see us getting married. He gave me a range between 27-32. I personally see myself getting married 27-29...not that I'm not willing to wait until I am 30 but I prefer before 30. I told him this but I'm not sure how well I made this clear.

 

Men start thinking about marriage, at the very earliest, late twenties and beyond. So yeah, he'll say 27 since that's when men start to wonder what it's like to wake up to the same woman forever, and if he loves her very much, he'll find this a pleasant thing.

 

If you are concerned, tell him what he thinks about children. If a couple wants to have a large family, then I can see how an early marriage with two young folks makes sense since it takes years to grow a family. But if a couple only wants like, one or two kids, or even none at all, then they can afford to wait on a later age.

 

You said you want 1-3 kids. And you're worried about fertility issues. Well, I can tell you this, fertility doesn't suffer severely until maybe late 30's to early 40's. My mother's youngest was when my mom was in her late 30's and the kid came out perfectly fine. So for 3 kids, you should be married before 30, at least, so that you'll have at least 5-8 years to grow a family.

 

You should bring up this concern with him. And why not propose him yourself? You've been together for 3 years, you know him inside and out, so why not take the plunge? If he rejects you, then there's your answer.