cottom Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Myself 22 Current partner 18 From 16 I’ve come from a string of relationships where it hasn’t worked out. I was 16-18 with a 14-16 year old, we broke up because it was an adult relationship at such a young age, plus I had just turned 18 and wanted to go clubbing while she was to young for that. 18-20 I was with a girl who was 17-19, we broke up in the end because she went to university and was watching everyone else party while she was in a relationship with a bf who couldn’t do much with his final year at uni. 20-22 I was with a girl 18-20 and we were happy until I had to move 100 miles away for work and saw her sparingly. She ended up seeing a guy she worked with behind my back and then we broke it off completely. Around mid august I started speaking to this girl, we jumped in to it all quite fast, we were talking non stop, she was 18 and she hadn’t really had a bf, only ever got used by other kids 18-20ish who would use her as an f* buddy. So with me being older and more mature I wanted to offer her more than that, we talked non stop for weeks, always seeing each other then work called and I had to move away again Monday to Friday, she works Saturday so her days off were Sunday and Friday. We went from talking non stop over text etc to me making all the effort and maybe getting one reply every third thing I said (and not even constant texting, id say 3 things in a day and get a reply to one). Where we would snap chat before and she would clearly make sure she looked good for it, retaking the photo if necessary, now I would get a photo of the ground with a 1 word reply. She told me before we were together she was horny all the time but then when we got together we slept together twice in a month and a half and in the last 3 weeks even if I try and hug her shed lean away from me. In a month we went from being at a theme park and her trying to turn me on cause I had trackies on as a joke, to not wanting any physical contact. No verbal contact. Shes not used to having a bf, only ever being used by guys for one thing and I feel that she isnt used to being in a relationship. But everyone has always said im the perfect bf, im always their for them, make them a priority etc, have a great well paying job, I took her for a week away last week and she didn’t touch me and just sat on her phone the whole week talking to one of her old guy friends. I don’t know how to go with this because I know that because of my past I struggle with letting go of relationships, I want to make it work because I just feel unloved and depressed etc. How do I play this one out?
Chemist Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 seems to be as the ship has sailed. The lack of physical romance is a huge problem in marriages, but you guys just started dating. I'd say ask her why she is pushing you away. Maybe the answer isn't this, but it seems like she is ready to move on. Either that, or she is scared you are going to just be like the other dudes. Hopefully, you aren't too overbearing or putting her on a pedestal because that is too much pressure to live up too. A while back I had started seeing this girl. On the second date, I kissed her. We made out for a bit. On the next 6 dates, I only got good night kisses, never any heavy makeout sessions, nothing like the first time, and definitely nothing more. Finally, I just noticed on the last one, she slightly pulled away before I kissed her and I asked her if I made her uncomfortable. I still don't quite understand her response, but in short, yes yes I did. She said she can't do this without getting involved. It's not like I told her I just wanted to be f buddies or anything. She just was emotionally scared to get invested, either I am not enough for her so she didn't want to get physical, or I made her scared that I was going to break her heart. I still don't know to this day, s he told me when we were 2.5 bottles of wine in. We decided to remain friends, but well it fizzed. She was out of town, then I was, then she was... then I met someone else. I am not going to wait around for ever. Also, wtf is GIGS?
Author cottom Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Gigs is grass is greener syndrome, theyre with you, see other people and think theyd be happier with someone else but realise the grass is never greener and come back. But to your post, yeah i put her on a pedastool, i put her first and when i look back i must have been so overbearing going from guys that use her and never look back to a guy that wants to spend all the timw with her. She told me earlier she isnt happy, she is still 18 doesnt know if she even wants a bf and im older and more mature she wants to go party every week. Which is a case that all her friends are single and going out pulling etc and she has to, for the first time ever turn guys down that come on to her. But yeah i pretty much treated her how a girl who wants a bf wants to be treated where she seems to have wanted to be a **** buddy. Any way i can pull this back?
Chemist Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Gigs is grass is greener syndrome, theyre with you, see other people and think theyd be happier with someone else but realise the grass is never greener and come back. But to your post, yeah i put her on a pedastool, i put her first and when i look back i must have been so overbearing going from guys that use her and never look back to a guy that wants to spend all the timw with her. She told me earlier she isnt happy, she is still 18 doesnt know if she even wants a bf and im older and more mature she wants to go party every week. Which is a case that all her friends are single and going out pulling etc and she has to, for the first time ever turn guys down that come on to her. But yeah i pretty much treated her how a girl who wants a bf wants to be treated where she seems to have wanted to be a **** buddy. Any way i can pull this back? Ahh, GIGS! I see. Okay, so well the question is why do you want to pull it back? Seems you're at a different place in your life than she is. Maybe it's just suppose to work. The other thing is, of course she is only going to get used like a f buddy if she never had to turn anyone down. I mean if she is living the life style, not wanting to turn anyone down, etc, then she clearly can't complain about hooking up only, it's what she is after. Okay, now that I said my two cents, yeah, I bet you could. You might tell her that you feel like you've been a little overbearing and give her space. Hell, you can even tell her that you feel like it was all a little quick and you need space. I wouldn't be overly complementing her, or talk about emotions that much anymore. Keep it light and fun, like you'd treat your friends and see if she starts to open back up.
Mrin Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Any way i can pull this back? Honestly? No. You can't make her feel attracted to you and it sounds like the ship has sailed to use someone else's saying. Only you know the vibe that exists between you but from what you have said, it isn't good. If the current situation between you two isn't working for you, I would just break it off with her by saying just that - this isn't working for you. She's a great lady but she's just not in the same place you are. You wish her all the best. Then I'd go NC on her. It is the best thing for you and if you are going to pull this out, it would be through NC. But as the guide says - the likelihood of that working is slim so don't do it with the hopes of pulling her back.
SawtoothMars Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 How do I play this one out? You are going to find that many women who sleep around become disinterested in sex the moment you date/marry them. Some will keep it up for a year or so... but eventually you end up with a tissue and a bottle of hand lotion. Just dump her. Don't get confused with all the female empowerment talk... floozies are f'in crazy!
Author cottom Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Ive always made the mistake when i break up that i properly go over board in trying to make them come back. That forces them into the arms of another guy. The second they do that i flip and cut them off completely and then they want me back but i dony want them back! I kinda did the same here pushed to get her to talk how we used to but she deleted me, said she would text me the results of her pregnancy test (shes like a month late). Im most depressed though i live 100 miles from anyone i know, all my mates are back home and i only work with old men (engineering -0 girls) so cant meet no girls on nights out etc ... this girl wasnt my type at all the opposite in face but i feel ive lost my last chance at love
Diezel Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 You have two options: (1) You treat her just like every other guy has (2) Dump her Choose wisely, those are THE only choices.
Author cottom Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 There were times where i think back to where it seemed to go downhill, my ex spread a rumour that i beat her up which passed round and i freaked out cause this girl already put me through **** and this girl started believing it cause so many people said it. Then there was the time i tried to break it off cause she was to flirty with my mates, though she realised she was and changed herself but still i mentioned breaking off and weve been cold ever since. I just feel i f'd up here and i want to make t better cause im lonely here
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 It takes two to make a relationship work. If she is distancing herself, she wants nothing to do with making it work and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't convince or force someone to have a relationship with you. She may have been on board with being in one with you BUT she had a change of heart and the chemistry fizzled out. hey I have been there...excited to be with someone and then two weeks later wanting to bail. Actions speak louder that words, man up and confront her on her behavior and ask her if she wants to break it off.
umirano Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 How do I play this one out? Well, you don't. You fold the cards. She's clearly not that much into you and you can't teach her what a "real" RS is, against her will basically. She doesn't appreciate your financial and social commitment to her. Obv at 18 she probably can't keep up financially, but that she doesn't keep up socially (i.e. paying you the respect of attention when she agrees to come with you on a week long holiday that you organize) shows she's less than thrilled to be with you. You did not start that kind of fire in her. Move on. It's nothing personal. You suffer from savior syndrome. Find a girl that's on your level. Maturity-, finance-, and personality-wise. You're settling for her, and she's reaching out to you, albeit not very much, as I understand it from your post. Find a girl that you don't have to "save".
ExpatInItaly Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Sorry, OP, but I think she's on her way out. It's not possible to pull it back in if she doesn't want to. I think I would talk to her and let her know what you're feeling, and be prepared to walk away. She just doesn't sound overly interested anymore.
Author cottom Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 Thanks, well its pretty much broken off now, its just annoying how i last saw her thursday we had a big kiss and then said bye ill see you in 2 weeks (i then left for work to be back next friday). Only that day will never come. Its just annoying how you find someone you genuinely do like as a person rather than looks and theyve been messed up so much in the past. Well the only way to get over them is no contact so thatll be until she texts me the results of her pregnancy test which i think i already know the answer to. She said she wanted to think about us and if she did want a bf and i snapped and said i dont want to be left waiting on the side while she goes out tries diffeeent guys to then realise that i was the perfect guy like all my other exes have came back after no contact and told me. Realistically i did think i would save her, and the funny thing is the past 2 girls i did the same and they all worked the same way.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Thanks, well its pretty much broken off now, its just annoying how i last saw her thursday we had a big kiss and then said bye ill see you in 2 weeks (i then left for work to be back next friday). Only that day will never come. Its just annoying how you find someone you genuinely do like as a person rather than looks and theyve been messed up so much in the past. Well the only way to get over them is no contact so thatll be until she texts me the results of her pregnancy test which i think i already know the answer to. She said she wanted to think about us and if she did want a bf and i snapped and said i dont want to be left waiting on the side while she goes out tries diffeeent guys to then realise that i was the perfect guy like all my other exes have came back after no contact and told me. Realistically i did think i would save her, and the funny thing is the past 2 girls i did the same and they all worked the same way. You need to let go of that mentality. Not only is it exhausting for you, it's a bit presumptuous and arrogant to assume that someone else needs to be saved by you. If I were the girl in that position, I would be put off. You may want to re-evaluate your approach and see how/if it's contributing to these problems.
Author cottom Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 Looking at another thread, its clear i have "white knight syndrome" or "mr nice guy syndrome" Ive basically ruined my relationships by being their for them and sucking the fun out of them by being boring and playing it easy and not challenging.
veggirl Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Jeez seeing your list of teen relationships is hella weird. Can't you just friggin be single? you're 22 and have been in THAT many multiple year relationships?? You didn't realize from the previous relationships that 18 yr old teen girls aren't ready for huge commitments?
oldshirt Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Looking at another thread, its clear i have "white knight syndrome" or "mr nice guy syndrome" Ive basically ruined my relationships by being their for them and sucking the fun out of them by being boring and playing it easy and not challenging. Yes that is definitely part of it. I suggest you read the book, "no more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. You don't have to turn into a dick or a playa', but you do need to establish some boundaries and guidelines for yourself and you also need to become more assertive and open with your actual wishes and objectives. What you are doing is called "Covert Contract." In a nutshell you are trying to White Knight and be their little cuddle-bunny and errand boy in hopes that they will accept, love and have sex with you in return. Then you become bitter and resentful when they don't. That's not only ineffective for you but it's unfair to them since they never knew or consented to being in that arrangement. If you are interested in romance and sexuality with a woman, you need to be open and upfront with that. They will either give you a chance to prove your worth or they will reject it. Therefor you either achieve it relatively efficiently or you are cut loose to pursue other avenues quickly. What you are doing now is burning up months rubbing someone's feet and doing her errands in hope that you get a reward. The problem is errand boys and foot rubbers are not attractive to women and don't illicit attraction or desire so you waste your time and then look like a dick when you respond with disappointment, frustration and anger when the ax finally falls. Women are universally attracted to men who are upfront with their intentions and show initiative in pursuing their passions. That doesn't mean that every individual woman is going to drop their drawers for for you. Even Brad Pitt struck out at times. But what it does mean is that you display one of the traits and characteristics that women find attractive and desirable as a whole.
oldshirt Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 .... And you also need to realize that these "bad boyz" that you are maligning are the ones that are making their jay-jays tingle and are the ones that they are attracted to. The reason they are attracted to those guys is those guys aren't pretending to be something they aren't. They are approaching them as sexual beings and as virile males that have a pair and aren't afraid to use them. They aren't approaching them to be their rescuers and approaching them to be their male girlfriends or cuddle-bunnies or errand boys. They are approaching them as sexual men who are attracted to them as sexual women. They aren't cloaking or camouflaging their sexuality as something else. The reason the girls are bitching about them after the fact is because they had the hots for them and wanted to continue to be with them but it didn't work out. Women bitch about their Ex's.....period. They aren't going to bitch about the errand boys and cuddle-bunnies and foot rubbers though. Those guys just fade away into obscurity and are forgotten altogether, or they are described as "creepy" and needy and undesirable. The best that an errand boy/foot rubber can hope for is to get set up with one of her fat friends.
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