The_Fool Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Some of you know my background already, but for those who don't, here goes (short version): 1. Move across the country for a girl, dated for four years, got married. 2. After two years we have problems. We try an open relationship. Both of us basically check out of the marriage at that point. 3. A year later, we separate. I move back to Los Angeles. 4. Six months later, she moves to LA. We give things another shot. 5. Nine months later, she moves out. Things didn't work. We start filing for divorce. 6. Separated for nine months. Divorce final next month. Two years since first separation. 7. We're both still friends. We've both moved on. We both refer to each other as our "ex". She's been seeing someone for six months. I've been dating. Both realize that we're better off as friends. Marriage definitely over. The divorce is actually friendly. Okay, now that that's out of the way, here's my problem. I've been dating lately, and I've always struggled with how to tell the girl about my situation. And when to tell her. I know some people aren't okay with dating a divorcee, others would be okay with that but would never be okay with dating someone who's divorce isn't final (still technically married, just separated.) I met a seemingly great girl last night. She wants to go out soon (possibly even tonight!) I feel that if I hold off on saying anything for *too* long, she'll think that I deceived her. I'm afraid that if I say something right away, she'll turn and run without giving me a chance. How would you handle it? For those that've been there, how did you handle it?
MassiveAtom Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Tell her now, up front and honest, but in a conversational manner. If she turns and walks out, she ain't all that great for ya, now is she?
clynn Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 I dated a guy last year who was separated not divorced. We were both careful not talk about histories in the early stages. I wonder why. I am the type who often picks up on and mimics the vibes of the person I'm dating. Anyhow, one night we have become more intimate, about a month of dating in. I went home instead of staying the night because I didn't want to rush into anything too much. He basically got the sudden urge to tell me about his history and caught up with me at a social event I was at with friends and pulled me outside and told me. It all seemed rather sudden and dramatic and kind of a lot for me to observe, particularly on a night out with friends. Aaack! I was okay wtih the fact he didn't tell me until he was ready. I think telling me before intimacy (but not entirely) was great. However, he then blurted out, "I just don't want to play games. I want to be honest." He had been married for about 4 years, with her for 7. They would have been separated for about 8 months when we started dating, though he told me a year. It was completely behind him, so he said. Great. Good. So then I took him for his word and we continued dating. Then I discovered that actually she was contacting him. She was having difficulties. They were still in touch. Then they started spending time together. In the meantime, I was becoming more attached. It took me a bit to figure out I needed to end the relationship to allow them to figure out what they were doing without me being involved. He contacted me a few months later adn we went for lunch. He let me know that they had been spending time together, becoming close, but that he was retreating again. I thought forget it, leave me alone. Enough already. Sooooooooo, the only thing I can say is to be CERTAIN that you are ready to date. Sounds like you are. And perhaps you don't want to dump all the sordid details on her but in hindsight I suppose if I had known Before we were making out that would have been better. So the second, third date maybe? I mean, after all, it isn't a big deal. We all have a past. Yours happens to be a married one. Your dates past may be different but she may feel conscious about it also! Good luck! Hpapy to hear you are moving on!
Beth Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 How long before your divorce is final? You just met this girl last night, if you decide to date her be honest. You might consider telling her, and other ladies that you meet and want to date, that you are not ready to get into a relationship right now until your divorce IS final because you don't want to have anyone feel like they are dating a married man and you want to be aboveboard with everyone.
clynn Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Hey, Beth that is a GREAT idea! You can take her for lunch, express your interest, tell her you want to take her out on a proper date in a month! Or to keep it to lunches until then. The anticipation will be grand. The respect she'll have for you immense!!!! (as long as you are at least semi serious about getting to know her) That would be me anyhow, as I now am wary of these situations.
Author The_Fool Posted March 10, 2005 Author Posted March 10, 2005 Hey, that really is a good idea. Thanks for your advice so far! I should've mentioned that she and I "met" online. I'd have no problem talking about it in person, it's just those first "getting to know you" e-mails before you meet for the first time that have me worried. Would I be deceiving her by waiting until we meet face-to-face? In her last message, she actually asked me out this weekend. I already feel guilty for not mentioning it yet. Both me and my ex are definitely over it. We are still friends, though, and still talk to each other. We'll maybe have lunch once or twice a month. Also, about once a month or two, we'll hang out for half a day or so: shopping, lunch, maybe a movie (sometimes with friends--or her boyfriend.) We still keep in contact about financial stuff, since so many things were in both our names. There's never anything close or personal between us, certainly nothing even remotely romantic. We both agree that the marriage was a mistake and that we make better friends. Oh, and since she's a classically trained gourmet chef (what she went to school for, not what she does for a living), I'll sometimes call her up for cooking advice. The divorce should be final near the end of April. The waiting period ends on April 25--the day after my birthday and one week before what'll be our fifth anniversary.
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