CoolCat771 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) I need to ask you for some advice. Can you help me? For starters, I am generally considered, a pretty good looking guy, really outgoing, athletic build (in really great shape), and I am approached by women a fair bit. I am having a bit of difficulty with attracting the attention of someone in particular. In attractiveness, she's definitely not a supermodel, but she's pretty cute and dresses with class, carries herself with pride (sometimes too much); and I personally find her attractive. She is in her mid-twenties, a physiotherapist, comes from a big, privileged family which is part of a large but tightly knit church community. She can be self-centered at times and often lacks compassion, but I am cool with it. She seems to have a decent moral compass and down to earth qualities, doesn’t sleep around, and is quite religious. That’s what I want in a partner. I have been holding out for someone like her. I just hit 30, am an only child, work at the clinic as the part-time physiotherapist assistant, but I am also working as a private fitness coach and going to school full-time. I am pretty experienced and applying for towards a Master’s degree after completing my second undergraduate degree in the fall. We both are employees of a larger company, so she’s technically not my boss, but more a supervisor of sorts. This is her first job in health care or any real job for that matter. Despite her being in-charge, I tend to have strong people skills and a sound practical knowledge of the job, and I believe that she has passively learned from being around me. I am definitely the dominant persona. I‘ve always had some small feelings for her, though they would come and go over the year and a half I’ve worked with her. I work at an office with all females, and I have developed a close and positive rapport with all of the other female co-workers there except for her (many of which of showed interest in me), even though I have often tried. She has asked me surface questions about my interests, hobbies. She watches sports and goes to church, doesn’t exercise or eat well, doesn’t cook or want kids, and wants to be a company person the rest of her life. On the other hand, I work out 6x/week, am a health nut, I am a half decent cook, read religious texts a great deal in my spare time, and want children, and am planning on starting my own business one day ( I think that she resents this). We are complete opposites, but are a great team at work. We both also share the same faith. I am also outgoing and open to a number of topics, and though we clash on a few, she chooses not to explore any further into them. Most of the time I try and talk to her, she puts up a wall and shuts me out. Gets super defensive. To be fair I cannot be as aggressive or flirty as I would usually be since I don't want to jeopardize this work experience, or I would have asked her out a long time ago. This makes things difficult. There are times where she’ll be excessively nice to me, though this is rare. There are even times where we have a very, VERY strong chemistry together. It’s very hot and cold. So I thought she might be shy and texted her a few times. We had very short conversations, but she has never initiated a texting conversation with me, though she’ll often try to at work. Granted, a close family member had been sick with a terminal illness the whole time I had known her. So as of late, we'd been making eyes at one another for a few weeks (hotter and colder than usual). I noticed her dressing really nicely, doing her hair the way I like it, and becoming very awkward when I am around. Though we live in different cities, I saw by accident her at the local mall with another guy and two friends. They’d appeared to be on a double date. She didn’t notice that I had seen her. The guy she was with was really not the greatest looking guy, completely average. She was the better looking for the two, for sure. The next day she’d told me that she’d seen me walking by but had left out the part about her and her friend being with two guys. She has never discussed a boyfriend to me or mentioned any part of her being in a relationship. However, she is glued to her phone when she is in her office, and is often startled if I sneak up on her mistakenly. Despite this, she is noticeably distraught if I ignore her and looks and sounds disappointed if I fail to approach her. When I do talk to her however, the wall goes back up. If she wasn't interested, shouldn't she just mention her boyfriend to me in casual conversation? That family member I had mentioned recently died a few months ago of a disease. She has been depressed. I bought her a nice keychain as a gift which had religious meaning for her birthday, and gave it to her. Ever since I’ve done that, she’s treated me like complete garbage. Shut me out cold. I’d be okay with the fact that she is not interested in me. What I am not okay with is the fact that she’s treating me like complete garbage after I have made efforts to be nice to her for all of the above reasons. She’d even failed to notify me that there was a schedule change in the morning for my weekend shift; I ended waiting an hour and a half for the place to open. I am angry and she hurt me really badly. I feel completely rejected in the most absolute sense of the word. Does she hate me? Why is she pushing me away so hard? No one’s ever done this to me. Please let me know what you think Thanks, Edited October 13, 2014 by CoolCat771
Mirages Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 She may be a queen of sorts, from what I've read, despite your attraction (which is partially out of your control) I see little to like there doesn’t exercise or eat well, doesn’t cook or want kids, and wants to be a company person the rest of her life. On the other hand, I work out 6x/week, am a health nut, I am a half decent cook, read religious texts a great deal in my spare time, What I read here is she is all churched up, and you know quite a bit about your "Religious texts, " I was in a rel just like you described, athelete & not / religious & non-religious but churched-up. Mine did not pan out well, just one datapoint. Add to it this person is supervising you, came from "Privileged family," and is already having push-pull interactions with you. Choice is yours, I do feel your facts make that choice quite clear.
Author CoolCat771 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 "dd to it this person is supervising you, came from "Privileged family," and is already having push-pull interactions with you. Choice is yours, I do feel your facts make that choice quite clear. " What do you mean man?
Mirages Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I believe you can find attraction with a person, it just happens, not a logical choice... But, I would not be interested in romance with one who 1) is supervising me at work, and 2) comes from a privileged family, and shows signs of pushing you away as if you mean less. Each fact might be permissible, put them together and you have a dominant candidate here, it may be problematic.
Emilia Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 What I am not okay with is the fact that she’s treating me like complete garbage after I have made efforts to be nice to her for all of the above reasons. She’d even failed to notify me that there was a schedule change in the morning for my weekend shift; I ended waiting an hour and a half for the place to open. I am angry and she hurt me really badly. I feel completely rejected in the most absolute sense of the word. Does she hate me? Why is she pushing me away so hard? No one’s ever done this to me. Please let me know what you think Thanks, She is emotionally unstable. The ex I work with is exactly like this. Nice as pie then bam, I do something (like going on holiday) he doesn't like and will go all cold on me and behave like a dick. I've just learnt to largely ignore it. His problem, not mine and there is nothing I can do to change it. I tried everything but he is in a different world. There is nothing I can do. 1
Author CoolCat771 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 She is emotionally unstable. The ex I work with is exactly like this. Nice as pie then bam, I do something (like going on holiday) he doesn't like and will go all cold on me and behave like a dick. I've just learnt to largely ignore it. His problem, not mine and there is nothing I can do to change it. I tried everything but he is in a different world. There is nothing I can do. Maybe that's what I'm finding attractive. So curious.
Emilia Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Maybe that's what I'm finding attractive. So curious. Maybe. Not a good road to go down on but drama has its attractions for sure. I think eventually it will wear a bit thin.
Author CoolCat771 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 You know when you're seeing something in someone that isn't there, but you hope that it was? and you hope that the outward persona they're putting out was verbatim true? I guess you can say that I'm interested in the idea of her.
Emilia Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 You know when you're seeing something in someone that isn't there, but you hope that it was? and you hope that the outward persona they're putting out was verbatim true? I guess you can say that I'm interested in the idea of her. Do you come from a broken home? Divorced parents? That kind of thing?
Author CoolCat771 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Do you come from a broken home? Divorced parents? That kind of thing? I did yeah. Why do you ask?
Emilia Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I did yeah. Why do you ask? Because people that are drawn to emotional instability usually were brought up with it and it's the only thing they can identify with/find exciting. You get used to dealing with difficult emotional situations as a kid and you carry it over to adulthood. Some people would run a mile straight after encountering it in the first place, you are staying because for you it's just how it has always been. If you had a parent leaving when you were a kid it's about abandonment issues too, potentially, trying to fill a gap that's constantly in your life. Delightful how your family screw you up, isn't it
Author CoolCat771 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Because people that are drawn to emotional instability usually were brought up with it and it's the only thing they can identify with/find exciting. You get used to dealing with difficult emotional situations as a kid and you carry it over to adulthood. Some people would run a mile straight after encountering it in the first place, you are staying because for you it's just how it has always been. If you had a parent leaving when you were a kid it's about abandonment issues too, potentially, trying to fill a gap that's constantly in your life. Delightful how your family screw you up, isn't it Hahaha We live in such sad times. She does seem super depressed. She's afraid. There's a part of me that wants to help her.
Emilia Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Hahaha We live in such sad times. She does seem super depressed. She's afraid. There's a part of me that wants to help her. Forget it man. She is her own worst enemy and the odds are she isn't helping herself. Everyone has to help themselves, you can't fix people. That's how you become a codependent and trust me you don't want that.
Author CoolCat771 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Yeah I know.. she's not all that either. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Mrin Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Yeah I know.. she's not all that either. I don't know what's wrong with me. You want what you can't have. Move along.
Author CoolCat771 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 You want what you can't have. Move along. But why can't I have her? Do I repulse her?
spiderowl Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Push/pull has its attraction. You get a bit of what you want (her being friendly and interested) then next minute she's cold on you. It's intermittent reward, so you try for more of the good stuff. Actually, in the long run it's painful and ultimately unrewarding. Tread carefully though if she's a supervisor. I know you are attracted to her but think about her qualities and whether you really like them or not. If you 'won' this one, at what point would you want to dump her because the things she wants (or doesn't want) in life are so different from your own? 1
Author CoolCat771 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Push/pull has its attraction. You get a bit of what you want (her being friendly and interested) then next minute she's cold on you. It's intermittent reward, so you try for more of the good stuff. Actually, in the long run it's painful and ultimately unrewarding. Tread carefully though if she's a supervisor. I know you are attracted to her but think about her qualities and whether you really like them or not. If you 'won' this one, at what point would you want to dump her because the things she wants (or doesn't want) in life are so different from your own? You're right man. Still feel like I have to tear off my arm with this one though. I just don't get why I am getting pushed away.
Diezel Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 She's your opposite. And they don't always attract. If this is THIS problematic right now, imagine what it's going to be like if you guys get together. Just move on.
Author CoolCat771 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 She's your opposite. And they don't always attract. If this is THIS problematic right now, imagine what it's going to be like if you guys get together. Just move on. Yeah man. I can do better. I need to find someone more stable and open-minded. Someone with a better heart. Thanks.
Emilia Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 Yeah I know.. she's not all that either. I don't know what's wrong with me. You are just stressing over another person's emotional rollercoaster because you can't get away from it. Once you get used to her style you will start noticing it less and less. Just stop yourself from playing along with it and focus on distancing yourself.
Author CoolCat771 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 You are just stressing over another person's emotional rollercoaster because you can't get away from it. Once you get used to her style you will start noticing it less and less. Just stop yourself from playing along with it and focus on distancing yourself. She's just starved for attention. I'm understanding that now. Thought she was different being a Christian at all; I gave her the benefit of the doubt of having some sense of integrity. I'll tell you this; I've lost a lot of respect for her. I'll only respect her ebnough to be able to work with her from now on.
callingyouuu Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I bought her a nice keychain as a gift which had religious meaning for her birthday, and gave it to her. Ever since I’ve done that, she’s treated me like complete garbage. Shut me out cold. I did something very similar with a girl I was good friends with, and the same thing happened. She was also a bit emotionally unstable, but I was really attracted to her. I'm still baffled. If you ever find out out why, I'm all ears. I started distancing myself from my girl, so we don't really talk much anymore. I don't regret it, but it still bums me out from time to time.
Author CoolCat771 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 I did something very similar with a girl I was good friends with, and the same thing happened. She was also a bit emotionally unstable, but I was really attracted to her. I'm still baffled. If you ever find out out why, I'm all ears. I started distancing myself from my girl, so we don't really talk much anymore. I don't regret it, but it still bums me out from time to time. Did you tell her that you like her? I've never told this girl that I liked her; how dare she jump to conclusions man.. what pisses me off of about some girls is that they assume that guys don't have a continuum regarding their interest level. I would say that my interest level was about a 4-5/10 when I gave her that. I think some girls assume too much from something so small. Her parent died, I tried to cheer her up and be her friend. What hurts is that she didn't even want that much from me. My pride is damaged.
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