Hawaii27 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Hello, I'd really appreciate some advice as I'm confused and feeling down. I'm embarrassed to say that at 28, going on 29, I've never had a relationship or slept with anyone. That is an issue I've been working on and something I want to change. I met someone at work and thought it was all going well but it didn't turn into anything, even though I made a move. I spent too long hoping that he'd ask me out and felt as though I wasted a lot of time on it. I have decided to learn from it and be proactive in finding someone. I have felt better about myself and thought I was moving forward positively. Then out of the blue, someone from school added me on Facebook. I haven't seen him in 10 years and was never that close to him. He messaged me asking how I was, so I messaged him back just to be polite really. He then came on quite strong, saying he wished I was there and spending a night together would be fun! Initially I felt uncomfortable. Then I wondered if it was a chance I should take. I talked to my mum about it and her reaction upset me. She almost looked angry with me for not giving him a chance and said I could do with the practice. That made me feel really upset and kind of confirmed that she thinks I'm never going to find anyone, so I might as well take anything I can get. I decided to text him back and the messages were all quite sexual. I have to admit I was flattered. He lives miles away, so there's not much of a future, not that i think he particularly wants one at the moment. He keeps saying if he takes me for a drink that he should come back to mine but I'm not even sure I like him yet! I don't know what to do. Half of me thinks I should just go for it but the other half thinks that if i've waited this long, maybe I should see if there's someone out there i want to sleep with and who I trust. I don't want to regret not taking the chance but on the other hand I don't want to feel used. I think the fear of getting older and having no experience, together with loneliness is making me think this is an attractive option. How do you think I should handle this?
Day.One Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) Personally, i'm getting a strong 'bedpost' vibe, as in you're going to be just another notch on his bedpost. Move on, quickly. If he continues to harass you for sex (which is what he's doing), block him. You're better than this, listen to the half that says "that if i've waited this long, maybe I should see if there's someone out there i want to sleep with and who I trust." And tell your Mum to take a long walk off a short pier.That was just plain rude and NOT what a mother should have said. Good luck. Edit: and don't be embarrassed to be a virgin at 28/9. Not everyone started at an early age! (me included) Edited October 13, 2014 by Day.One 4
quidproquo89 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Personally, i'm getting a strong 'bedpost' vibe, as in you're going to be just another notch on his bedpost. Move on, quickly. If he continues to harass you for sex (which is what he's doing), block him. You're better than this, listen to the half that says "that if i've waited this long, maybe I should see if there's someone out there i want to sleep with and who I trust." And tell your Mum to take a long walk off a short pier.That was just plain rude and NOT what a mother should have said. Good luck. Edit: and don't be embarrassed to be a virgin at 28/9. Not everyone started at an early age! (me included) a shorter pier if there is one 1
Arieswoman Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Hawaii27, I find this astounding, I talked to my mum about it and her reaction upset me. You are nearly 29 and you take advice from your Mum?! and then she says ;- She almost looked angry with me for not giving him a chance and said I could do with the practice. what sort of $h!££y advice is that ? It should be entirely your free choice who you want to have sex with. Don't allow yourself to be coerced, pushed,manipulated, bribed or forced (either by loneliness, other people or society's expectations) to have sex within anyone you don't want to. Remember, women arrive at their sexual peak at around 40, so you've got plenty of time to make the earth move! I firmly believe there is someone for everyone out there and that sex is best as part of a meaningful relationship. Good luck. 1
LoneIsland Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I'd say listen to mom. She seems experienced.
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Hawaii27, I find this astounding, You are nearly 29 and you take advice from your Mum?! and then she says ;- what sort of $h!££y advice is that ? It should be entirely your free choice who you want to have sex with. Don't allow yourself to be coerced, pushed,manipulated, bribed or forced (either by loneliness, other people or society's expectations) to have sex within anyone you don't want to. Remember, women arrive at their sexual peak at around 40, so you've got plenty of time to make the earth move! I firmly believe there is someone for everyone out there and that sex is best as part of a meaningful relationship. Good luck. My daughter is 27 and she seeks my advice every day. I am 48 (oops sorry turned 49 yesterday) and I seek advice from my mother still.
Day.One Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 My daughter is 27 and she seeks my advice every day. I am 48 (oops sorry turned 49 yesterday) and I seek advice from my mother still. And i still talk to my Mum about issues, and i'm a 47 year old fella! However, that wasn't advice from Hawaii27's Mum, that was a slap in the face. 1
LoneIsland Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 And i still talk to my Mum about issues, and i'm a 47 year old fella! However, that wasn't advice from Hawaii27's Mum, that was a slap in the face. Sometimes a slap is what is needed to wake people up.
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 OP: What is goal here? Do you want a relationship? if yes then no, this is not the man for you. This one here only wants to bed you and you won't hear from him after. I guarantee you. If you want a night of sex to get ride of your problem then he may be the one. If you think sex is sacred then don't touch this guy. Older you get, scarier sex will appear to you. I know women who remained virgin till late 20s and became fearful of it, they fear it will be painful and they fear they will be judged for not being experimented and that fear is paralyzing to them and out of proportion. Afraid he will use you? There is no such a thing if you are aware he only wants sex. His approach is indicative of that. You are both consenting adults having sex. No one uses no one. You get sex, he gets sex, it's a fair trade. We are human being with basic needs and sex is part of those basic needs. Your mom knows that. She also knows that at your age still being a virgin is a curse more than a gift. 1
Arieswoman Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Gaeta, She also knows that at your age still being a virgin is a curse more than a gift. I can't agree with that. Some people are just slow starters. I was 23 before I had sex and I married that man. I wasn't impressed by any other man I had met until then.
LoneIsland Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 An interesting idea would be to get pregnant with this guy. If he runs away afterwards, it's no loss. Once you have a child, you will never need to force yourself into having sex again. No body here can read the future. There's nothing that suggests the guy won't be interested after the first connection.
Author Hawaii27 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Thank you for your advice, it's very balanced. I think it's true, the more i make sex an issue, the worse it becomes in my head! I let it affect how I behave everyday and somehow feel like people know just by looking at me, so I seem to try and project this false confidence. I'm worried about feeling worthless after and of having feelings for him, which he can't return.
Author Hawaii27 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Thanks, I think a lot of people talk to their mums about things.
Author Hawaii27 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Thanks for your reply. It puts things into perspective. I think my mum is trying to use tough love because she knows I'm unhappy. The thing is she doesn't understand my position that well. It's not a big deal for her.
Arieswoman Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Hawaii, Thanks, I think a lot of people talk to their mums about things. I agree but I think there are some areas that should not be ventured into. IMO a person's sexuality is a very personal matter and should stay that way.
Blade96 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Meh. Do it if you want to have the experience, just don't assume anything. If he doesn't want a relationship, then you still have your experience. btw I was a virgin til I was 30 (by choice, I could have lost it earlier I just chose not to) 1
LoneIsland Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Thank you for your advice, it's very balanced. I think it's true, the more i make sex an issue, the worse it becomes in my head! I let it affect how I behave everyday and somehow feel like people know just by looking at me, so I seem to try and project this false confidence. I'm worried about feeling worthless after and of having feelings for him, which he can't return. Is there any reason why you think a man who is desperate for sex only wants it once with you ? Isn't it more reasonable for him to stay and take all he can carry until you kick him out ? If he stays, doesn't that make it a relationship ?
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Gaeta, I can't agree with that. Some people are just slow starters. I was 23 before I had sex and I married that man. I wasn't impressed by any other man I had met until then. I also married my first boyfriend. He was the first man to kiss me, and the only man I had sex with and I regretted it down the line. I wish I had dated around, I wish I had experienced life a little before giving myself entirely to this 1 man.
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Hawaii, I agree but I think there are some areas that should not be ventured into. IMO a person's sexuality is a very personal matter and should stay that way. You mean if you have concerns you should not talk about it to anyone? Not the one person in the world that loves you unconditionally, your mom? It depends what kind of relationship you have with your mother. My daughter and I speak about everything together including sex matter. We are that close and that open with each other. Sounds like OP has that kind of relationship with her mother.
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Is there any reason why you think a man who is desperate for sex only wants it once with you ? Isn't it more reasonable for him to stay and take all he can carry until you kick him out ? If he stays, doesn't that make it a relationship ? Sometimes......I insist on sometimes, hook-ups turn into relationships but not THAT often. And the sometimes it has happened it was because they both approached with detachment and none expected something, it just happened. When 1 of them hook up with an agenda it rarely goes anywhere.
Arieswoman Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Gaeta, This maybe true Sounds like OP has that kind of relationship with her mother. hmmm, I'm not so sure about that as the mother gave some inappropriate advice IMO.
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