Stsm5934 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 So I'm horrible at letting guys down. I'm always so wrapped up in being "nice", that I hate to tell a guy I'm not interested. I don't want to hurt someones feelings. Anyway, in the long run I think it ends up being not so nice to avoid being direct. So I'm just wondering how other girls handle or how some men would like a woman to handle it when after a first date, the girl isn't interested in another. So how do I respond to his friendly, had a nice time on the date text (he hasn't asked me out again yet, but probably would if I sent a positive response)? Specific examples of responses is helpful for me. My normal MO would be to be super nice, say I had fun too and it was nice to hang out with him (all of which is true, but there just isn't the chemistry/sexual attraction).
Dork Vader Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 You need to be direct and to the point! Guys do not get get subliminal, if you leave any remote possibilty of hope they will cling to it. Men want to be the knight in shining armor. So when you say you're not interested just say.. I think you're a great guy, i'm just not interested. Leave it that and do NOT talk to them again! Ignore their calls, ignore their text messages. Just move on.. 5
Jules Dash Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Rip the bandaid off. Keep it short. "I don't think it is going to work between us. Best of luck." 2
Author Stsm5934 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 So do you think I even need to say anything or I can wait and if does send a second text be direct?
dontgo Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 For sure respond and maybe add a thanks if he took you out and paid. "Thanks, but I don't think it is going to work between us. Best of luck."
mightycpa Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 You seem like a really nice guy, but I'm not feeling the chemistry. or if he wasn't so nice They say that people click within 5 minutes of meeting each other. We didn't. You only need to say this in response to a request for a second date... or a question like did you have fun?
gaius Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Just give him a brief Me too and leave it at that. Start ignoring whatever texts he sends after if he doesn't get the vibe. Trust me, guys don't want to be directly told you don't want them.
carhill Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 So I'm just wondering how other girls handle or how some men would like a woman to handle it when after a first date, the girl isn't interested in another. IME, over about 20 years of dating, it ran pretty equal, between 'I'm not feeling it' and simply disappearing. Either way worked fine for me, at least after the first couple years anyway. The sting of such rejections, no matter how they occurred, was numbed over time and after awhile didn't even register. I know exactly what you mean about being nice. I had to learn to get a bit more mean to survive and thrive in my demographic. It's a learned behavior. You'll do fine. 1
quidproquo89 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 You need to be direct and to the point! Guys do not get get subliminal, if you leave any remote possibilty of hope they will cling to it. Men want to be the knight in shining armor. So when you say you're not interested just say.. I think you're a great guy, i'm just not interested. Leave it that and do NOT talk to them again! Ignore their calls, ignore their text messages. Just move on.. every woman should really take notice of this. Just say you are not interested instead of some bull**** excuse. Excuses are a lie and nobody likes being lied to. I'd prefer to hear it straight as all men do. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 'Hey! Thanks for a great night *insert something I really enjoyed about the food or the environment or the entertainment*, thank you for taking me out/coming out. You're an awesome person and I think we could be good friends so if you fancy going out for a beer as mates, let me know. Take care' I dunno, maybe it's wussy but I feel it's a nice way to let somebody down. It shows that you enjoyed their company so it wasn't a total disaster, and you also don't reject them entirely because you're saying that you would like to be friends with them. I just think it gets the point across well without offending or upsetting somebody, and I've found that 100% of men really appreciate the honesty, and appreciate not sitting around and wondering, being ignored, or being led on. I know I always appreciate blunt honesty. If they didn't get the hint then I'd have no problem saying 'I just wasn't feeling the chemistry romantically' and making it more clear I'm not interested but honestly I've never had that problem. The message I'd send is pretty unambiguous. Sometimes people don't get back in touch and I never see them or speak to them again, but I have made some cool friends through dating when it didn't progress into anything romantic because either one of us wasn't interested. 1
umirano Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I favor the direct let down. If the date was good/ok: "Hey, I had a great time <bla bla, as you see fit>, but I'm not interested in dating you / don't see you as more than a friend." If the date was bad (he shows up late or things like that) and you really still feel the need to gratify that with a text: "Hey, I'm not interested in a second date."
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I favor the direct let down. If the date was good/ok: "Hey, I had a great time <bla bla, as you see fit>, but I'm not interested in dating you / don't see you as more than a friend." If the date was bad (he shows up late or things like that) and you really still feel the need to gratify that with a text: "Hey, I'm not interested in a second date." Maybe it's just me, but even if the date wasn't wonderful I am still polite and gracious. Why wouldn't I be? It costs nothing and gives the guy less ammo to get nasty back and start a text fight I am not interested in. To be fair I've not had many 'BAD' dates. Many with funny stories, but I can't recall one where the guy has treated me disrespectfully or made me genuinely mad at him. But even if that had happened, I would probably just not respond.
umirano Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Maybe it's just me, but even if the date wasn't wonderful Then it probably was "ok" and if I were a girl / had to let down someone I'd use my first reply or a derivative of it
ComingInHot Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Wouldn't NOT kissing them good night and telling them you had a great time and can see the two of you being good friends do that without bruising them and still staying kind?
CharlieFox Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 You need to be direct and to the point! Guys do not get get subliminal, if you leave any remote possibilty of hope they will cling to it. Men want to be the knight in shining armor. So when you say you're not interested just say.. I think you're a great guy, i'm just not interested. Leave it that and do NOT talk to them again! Ignore their calls, ignore their text messages. Just move on.. This. Don't offer friendship; just leave the guy alone, no contact, and if you really want to be friends with them, wait a few months and see if they want to be friends with you. Not offering to be friends is not being impolite or rude! You shouldn't offer being friends with someone just because you can't offer them more than that. Don't be friends with someone who secretly fantasizes about seeing you naked and banging you all the time.
ComingInHot Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 This. Don't offer friendship; just leave the guy alone, no contact, and if you really want to be friends with them, wait a few months and see if they want to be friends with you. Not offering to be friends is not being impolite or rude! You shouldn't offer being friends with someone just because you can't offer them more than that. Don't be friends with someone who secretly fantasizes about seeing you naked and banging you all the time. I totally didn't see it like that. I thought this was more of a first date type scenario. Do men really envision all that upon a first date?
CharlieFox Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Wouldn't NOT kissing them good night and telling them you had a great time and can see the two of you being good friends do that without bruising them and still staying kind? No, don't say that. You can't really see the two of you being good friends after one/a few dates. What matters at the end is, you are rejecting the guy. No matter how kind or polite you are about it, he gets rejected and it's all that matters. It's more or less an emotional moment for him, and you're throwing a relationship offer which he will most likely accept in such moment, because he might also not want to be impolite to refuse. Be adamant about your decision about rejecting him and don't offer consolation prices. Leave him alone.
CharlieFox Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I totally didn't see it like that. I thought this was more of a first date type scenario. Do men really envision all that upon a first date? Envision what? Do you think a guy will ask you out on a date if he's just interested in you in a friendly way?
ComingInHot Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Envision what? Do you think a guy will ask you out on a date if he's just interested in you in a friendly way? Stop twisting my words! I just didn't realize that guys immediately went for the naked banging thoyghts right away. Sheesh. Maybe ya know find out if there's common interest on top of thinking someones hot, right. But, I do appreciate your advice as well as I'm sure the OP does as well
CharlieFox Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Stop twisting my words! I just didn't realize that guys immediately went for the naked banging thoyghts right away. Sheesh. Maybe ya know find out if there's common interest on top of thinking someones hot, right. Well, that is true. But physical attraction comes first. If it didn't, women wouldn't care so much about the way they look. So if a man ask you out, he obviously wants to see you naked and sleep with you at some point.
venusishername Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 (edited) So I'm horrible at letting guys down. I'm always so wrapped up in being "nice", that I hate to tell a guy I'm not interested. I don't want to hurt someones feelings. Anyway, in the long run I think it ends up being not so nice to avoid being direct. So I'm just wondering how other girls handle or how some men would like a woman to handle it when after a first date, the girl isn't interested in another. So how do I respond to his friendly, had a nice time on the date text (he hasn't asked me out again yet, but probably would if I sent a positive response)? Specific examples of responses is helpful for me. My normal MO would be to be super nice, say I had fun too and it was nice to hang out with him (all of which is true, but there just isn't the chemistry/sexual attraction). I've never seemed to have a hard time with this one, I know a lot of people (men and women) struggle with this! It REALLY IS best to be clear and direct. I wish everyone would do this! You can certainly avoid hurting someone's feelings of course by having tact and being polite, but in the end, if you sting someone's ego a bit that you barely know (or even if you do know), who cares?! It doesn't make you a bad person. You just have to be gutsy and take care of #1. You don't have time to waste on men who don't interest you! With that attitude in mind, it should be easy for you to say something like: "It was nice meeting you, and thank you so much for drinks/dinner/dance, etc., but I just don't think it's a good fit!" You could always make up some excuse, just a little white lie. I had a guy ask for my phone number once and I said no, because I was seeing someone else and I didn't want to screw it up (which was not ENTIRELY true). I just didn't want to give him my number! I think the most important piece of advice I can give is that you just shouldn't care so much about hurting other people's feelings that you don't know. One of my gfs had a guy following her around all night at a club. She kept engaging him and was trying to be really nice but she was really annoyed that he kept bothering her because she wasn't interested and he was hindering her from talking with other men! Eventually I just said point blank to him, "Excuse me, we're just going to walk around now, have a great night!" And he never came back to bother her again. My friends think I'm brash and gutsy when it comes to these things but you really have to be, while still being sweet as pie. Good luck! Edited October 14, 2014 by venusishername
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