Do I have to confront her about ‘left me for someone else’ (cheating)?

October 13, 2014

Hi people.

I have been struggling to find out if my ex actually did cheat or just simply left me and moved on quickly.

We were in LTR for 4 years and broke up in 1st week of Aug this year. We’re both in early 30s of our age.

We promised each other to get married in this Dec or next spring and I told her to meet parents of both parties starting from this Aug.

My ex broke up with me and started relationship with her co-worker (have worked with her for 2.5 years) within 1 week or around 1 week which precisely happened as of 2nd week of Aug.

The main reasons for breakup she thought are:

- I grudged money to spend for her. (I told her in advance that I don't have sufficent money in that month and told her to understand this)

- I was passive about marriage delayed marriage over a year.

- I was passive about meeting her parents for 4 months from the last time I met her parents. Because I felt pressure.

- Her personality trait differed from mine

- Felt less appreciated and cared for many reasons.

I do have reasons of mine for above and can explain each, yet I felt guilty whole time thinking it was solely myself who did all things wrong.

I’ve been feeling betrayed, divested, void, lost, homicidal, suicidal, regretful, desperate and all the bad... for 2 months.

Here’re factual information.

- I saw her eyes and actions which described she still had feelings for me on the break up day. It wasn’t like our relationship was so over.

- We never had a time to work out or discuss about issues in our relationship.

- I have been LC for 1.5 month and NC for 3 weeks and I didn’t beg or plead.

- I have sent 2 physical letters to her written based on her perspective and wrote about I have been making changes. And final letter was about letting her go.

- She said she wanted to be 'selfish' on break up day.

- She never told or spoke about that she was seeing somebody else for entire time. (I saw them together in my own eyes.)

- I have never asked or spoke about her new relationship at all and did nothing to this new relationship anything at all.

- This co-worker has known my ex for 3 years and knew about our relationship.

- Their new relationship has been going on for slightly over 2 months and seems their bond is still strong.

She possibly thinks she ended our relationship and met the real deal.

I saw an article where it said ‘if she thought you as an option’ and it really hit me.

Aside from memories of being cared or loved by her, as her being a person who cares about others more than herself,

I have difficulties to understand her action.

Below are 2 questions which are bothering me in the process of moving on and I want to clear these out and go clean.

1. Did she cheat while she still had feelings for me? (I don’t believe in rebounds much)

2. Do I have to tell her she cheated?

I personally believe what she said, did hurt me and accept the fact that I did wrong from my side. But I do think these can be fixed and worked out, but she decided I can’t for some reason.

And me, I do try and make things change and she knows this and even said so. I am never a psycho who doesn’t care about others.

Thank you very much and I appreciate your advice and help.

October 13, 2014

Your first fact isn't a fact. It's you projecting she still has feelings for you.

You got a bad, bad break. You don't need to talk to her about anything. You need to start focusing on yourself. Your relationship with her is over and you need to heal so you can find the next great love of your life.

October 13, 2014

Your first fact isn't a fact. It's you projecting she still has feelings for you.

You got a bad, bad break. You don't need to talk to her about anything. You need to start focusing on yourself. Your relationship with her is over and you need to heal so you can find the next great love of your life.

No, it's not fake feeling. I am not naive enough to say things that are not true.

Edited October 13, 2014 by Zypit

October 13, 2014

Below are 2 questions which are bothering me in the process of moving on and I want to clear these out and go clean.
1. Did she cheat while she still had feelings for me? (I don’t believe in rebounds much)

it's certainly possible, but it's also possible she didn't cheat physically until after she dropped the ax.

She has probably been disconnecting and dis investing for many many months and the dropped the ax once she was pretty sure she had him secured. This is quite common. It's called "monkey swinging."

There's a slight possibility she didn't actually sleep with him until after the split, but she was surely laying the groundwork to transition as quickly and smoothly as possible after the break up.

2. Do I have to tell her she cheated?

no. If she cheated, she already knows.

Confronting her about it will be of no benifit to you and will do nothing to her. It's really quite pointless. It would just be wasted breath.

Any time and energy that you invest in her from now on, is time and energy wasted and will just delay you moving forward with your life.

See responses in bold above.

October 13, 2014

You don't have to do anything. Maybe you mean to express that you want to tell her she cheated on you and your not sure if it's the right thing to do? Like previous poster said, if she cheated she already knows, and she'll have to deal with that in her own way. At the end of the relationship it doesn't really matter all that much what the other person's reasons were. It does you much more good to evaluate your own role and the things that you can control going into the next relationship.

Also, ThortonMelon is right, a fact is not the same thing as your inference about what you think someone was feeling. You don't know how someone else feels unless they tell you and even then there's some ambiguity.

It sounds like what's really going on here is that your holding onto someone who isn't holding on to you. I don't mean that to be harsh, it is a place we have all been, but you seem to be focusing on aspects of the break-up that in the bigger picture just don't matter.

October 13, 2014

See responses in bold above.

Thank you for the answer.

Acutally what I asked in my question was whether or not she did do 'emotional cheating'. Obviously there was something going on between these two, so she was able to make the transition that quickly.

October 13, 2014

You don't have to do anything. Maybe you mean to express that you want to tell her she cheated on you and your not sure if it's the right thing to do? Like previous poster said, if she cheated she already knows, and she'll have to deal with that in her own way. At the end of the relationship it doesn't really matter all that much what the other person's reasons were. It does you much more good to evaluate your own role and the things that you can control going into the next relationship.

Also, ThortonMelon is right, a fact is not the same thing as your inference about what you think someone was feeling. You don't know how someone else feels unless they tell you and even then there's some ambiguity.

It sounds like what's really going on here is that your holding onto someone who isn't holding on to you. I don't mean that to be harsh, it is a place we have all been, but you seem to be focusing on aspects of the break-up that in the bigger picture just don't matter.

Thank you for the reply.

It's ok. It doesn't sound harsh.

I heard not all cheaters realize they actually cheated so thought I might have to confront her and tell her she did cheat on me. But wanted to find out if it's the case she actually cheated or not because she still thinks that she did not cheat on me. She still seems dilusioned and looks she still wants to believe what she claimed are right.

It wasn't like she was already soooooooooo over with me when she wanted to break up with me. Looking at that very moment she acted and talked like she still had feeling about me while it could just be guiltiness she was feeling.

October 13, 2014

Look, she left you and is having fun with someone else. Home will never be the same. If you confront her, which you probably will.. As all of us during the confusing time did, you will be in for a really rude awakening. She will go so cold on you, while you are figuring out what happened, piecing it together.. She's happingly meeting someone new.

Accept what you had with her was over. If she involved someone else, you don't need to know anything else. It happened to me, it happened to you. Don't give her any more power. Woman love this attention, but she'll look at you as a desperate sad loser if you reach out to her. She'll treat you like she didn't do anything wrong, to soothe her guilt. Then, she'll try to be friends with you.

Right now just ignore her and for us on you man, if these people are meant to be in your life they will find a way.. Fighting for them is useless. It just empowers them to leave you again a second time. If she wants another man, let her walk. You are not seeing the big picture. When your heart and mind come together some time in the future, you will realize how badly she treated you, and you never deserved that. Maybe by then she'll come back, not now though, that other guy is balls deep in it. Happened to me bud, just focus on you.

October 13, 2014

Look, she left you and is having fun with someone else. Home will never be the same. If you confront her, which you probably will.. As all of us during the confusing time did, you will be in for a really rude awakening. She will go so cold on you, while you are figuring out what happened, piecing it together.. She's happingly meeting someone new.

Accept what you had with her was over. If she involved someone else, you don't need to know anything else. It happened to me, it happened to you. Don't give her any more power. Woman love this attention, but she'll look at you as a desperate sad loser if you reach out to her. She'll treat you like she didn't do anything wrong, to soothe her guilt. Then, she'll try to be friends with you.

Right now just ignore her and for us on you man, if these people are meant to be in your life they will find a way.. Fighting for them is useless. It just empowers them to leave you again a second time. If she wants another man, let her walk. You are not seeing the big picture. When your heart and mind come together some time in the future, you will realize how badly she treated you, and you never deserved that. Maybe by then she'll come back, not now though, that other guy is balls deep in it. Happened to me bud, just focus on you.

Thanks for the reply.

Well... It's not like me clinging to her still. I actually gave it up unless she calls me first and possibily will not take her back even if she wants to. The only reason I want to confront her about this was to clear my mind and also I feel sorry that she's cheating and sad part is she doesn't know it and wanted to help her about before she puts herself into more ****ed up situation.

Look, I so wish my case was so easy to tell whether or not this is cheating. I even wish I dated a cheesy girl so I could at least be able to tell what went wrong and what went right.

All my friends including myself acknowledged she was so committed to me and what she did so hard to believe.. Could you imagine Mother Teresa cheating on a young dude..? it's not that simple man. The whole thing here doesn't make sense and it bothers me to move on.

October 23, 2014

The only reason I want to confront her about this was to clear my mind and also I feel sorry that she's cheating and sad part is she doesn't know it and wanted to help her about before she puts herself into more ****ed up situation.

You feel sorry that she is cheating and that she doesn't know it and you want to help her? She's a grown woman. You're not her parent or guardian. You don't feel sorry for someone that cheats and you don't be that person to catch them when and if they fall.

I so wish my case was so easy to tell whether or not this is cheating. I even wish I dated a cheesy girl so I could at least be able to tell what went wrong and what went right.

Nothing stays the same. Couples that have been married for decades, divorce and move on. People change. Their feelings change. Needs and wants change. Nothing stays forever. Whether she cheated or not, she lost the attachment to you. It happens and it has happened to all of us.

All my friends including myself acknowledged she was so committed to me and what she did so hard to believe.. Could you imagine Mother Teresa cheating on a young dude..? it's not that simple man. The whole thing here doesn't make sense and it bothers me to move on.

It is that simple. You're just in denial.

October 23, 2014

We all go thru this initial stage of denial when we lose our gf cuz we put them on a pedestal. If ur happiness depends on her, you're doing it wrong.

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Do I have to confront her about ‘left me for someone else’ (cheating)?

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