Author NiceGuyMojo Posted July 8, 2005 Author Posted July 8, 2005 That's why I am saying to STICK to your guns, keep the ultamatium. The ONLY way you will get the truth here is by following that. Nothing short of that will make any difference to her. All she knows is that she can just give you more BS and you'll sit there eating it even though you grumble about it. When it comes down to it, she gets to do what she is doing while living under your roof. You're right but am I going to be screwed myself in the process of finding out.. She is defending HER point where she brings the kids into it to justify her behavior! I'm a bit confused and disoriented right now. Yep, she has me believing it's ALL my fault and sounds (Almost) very convincing? I know this is BS and a diversion tactic. Somebody is coaching her by her remarks. Here's what I know. Something is happening during her working hours. Last night was a classic where I called HER at work and (she) saying she was working late another 3-4 hours? I had to call HER and ask, not her call to tell me! Didn't get home till 11PM..... Here's the funny part, only takes 1/2 hour to get home but over1.5 HOURS later AFTER she called me and said she was on her way home with no accountability shows up at 11? Found a Calender where she made notes on previous fights. She made all kinds of stuff up and/or distorted the facts to represent Phisical and Emotional Abuse. Yea, that was the Friday night after the deadline. I held her hands down when she took a swing at me and asked her to calm down plus I threw a pillow at her which hurt her ego more. She made the crap up saying "I" told my daughter to get the F off the bed and she called her sister at 12 AM to pick her up? Being set up for abuse? We have had NO arguments for two plus weeks but SHE still finds FAULT in anything I do no matter how small. (something to bitch about) Her excuse when questioned is I'm Tired or Crappy? Need your help guys and gals to help determine a specfic pattern or profile of INFIDELITY. Need to know the STAGES and events which take place during a relationship. It's getting complicated where she is digging down protecting her (possible) affair any cost. NO, I Don't KNOW FOR SURE but I FEEL IT! Not sure how long this has been going on but it could be YEARS! She wants the SOS under the terms she dictates. Won't go to MC or seek to resolve maritial issues? I'm still evaluating because I still love my Wife. She won't go to MC nor will she answer my questions? I feel like I'm fighting another element in which you can't win. I need DISCLOSURE from her to resolve this so we both can move on. Don't want to give up on her after so many years? Just feel like I'm digging a deeper hole.
jmargel Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 If she won't goto MC then you should end it. Short of that, nothing is going to get solved. She has to want this to work out, yet she's not giving any effort. Nothing else can be said from us to make this better. We can't do this for her. You gave her the deadline and you let it pass. She is still living there, doing the same things to you. You are living under her rules which basically consist of her doing what she wants, when she wants. That's not love. We can talk for pages on how wrong she is, in by doing this & that to you, but it basically comes down to whether or not she'll goto counseling. The only way IMO is to make her leave. You've only taken my advice halfway and that's not going to cut it. I know it's something very hard to do, especially since you love her but she hasn't reached rock bottom yet for her to want to finally climb up. You help achieve this by making her leave.
Owl Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 JMargel is right on this one....this situation will stay like it is forever, unless one of the two of you FORCE a change. She's obviously not willing to make changes in her behavior to improve things, so that leaves one of two options. You either change your attitude and accept her behavior (I'm not telling you to, just listing it as an option), or you FORCE the issue and make a stand that implements change in your relationship. It's up to you...because she's obviously made the decision already.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 She made all kinds of stuff up and/or distorted the facts to represent Phisical and Emotional Abuse. Yea, that was the Friday night after the deadline. I held her hands down when she took a swing at me and asked her to calm down plus I threw a pillow at her which hurt her ego more. She made the crap up saying "I" told my daughter to get the F off the bed and she called her sister at 12 AM to pick her up? Being set up for abuse? Hoo boy. This is not good. People don't manufacture 'evidence' unless they plan to use it in some way. It sounds like she is laying groundwork to demolish you, especially since it is evident she is resisting marriage counseling. If you haven't considered talking to a lawyer, you may want to. Otherwise she may be setting you up for the mother of all divorces: loss of custody/visitation, and a whopping alimony, not to mention charges against you depending on the statue of limitations. And, as a "battered wife" it ends with a "guilt-free" "happy ending" with a possible OM - after all, after all the "abuse" you put her through who could blame her for leaving you for a "better man"? Her lawyers will rip you wide open if she gives them the impression that you are abusive to her and her children. They'll gut you for the maximum amount. This is looking horrible, man. You need to scramble to cover your bases and protect yourself. You are talking reconciliation, she is talking devastation.
Author NiceGuyMojo Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 If she won't goto MC then you should end it. Short of that, nothing is going to get solved. She has to want this to work out, yet she's not giving any effort. Nothing else can be said from us to make this better. We can't do this for her. We can talk for pages on how wrong she is, in by doing this & that to you, but it basically comes down to whether or not she'll goto counseling. The only way IMO is to make her leave. This past weekend of HER drastic behavior and events has confirmed She does not want to even TRY to fix anything. (right again jmargel) My approach has to resolve problems in the marriage like Ladyjane14 suggested.. Seems the more I try to talk about it, the worst she gets. We have been on Pins and Needles all week. Friday night was when she flipped out going out to dinner. She order for both of us and told her I wanted something (less expensive) smaller. That's what you always order and THAT"S What You're Getting! (huh? never asking but telling) Calmly went and sat at another table outside ordering what I wanted! Comes out and tells me the food is here. Said I already ordered what I wanted and I'm waiting for my food... Just had a glass of water for dinner waiting for her. The air got soo thick on the way back to pick up the kids at the in laws you could slice it Told her there is a TOTAL lack of respect and common courtesy and WE need to see a MC so we can work on Our marriage. Asked her what do you want to do? Nothing? She got very defensive starting her rants and raves while I just sat there saying not a word when she ran out of energy . Then there was a dead silence sensing the the pot was about to boil. We arrived to pick up the kids and said I really don't want to stay and visit. Well I'm going to be ATLEAST 1 to 1.5 hours! (she was not in any mood to visit nor was I) OK? Went to to local Pub around the corner for 45 min. to get a few beers. Came back and waited outside patiently for another 45 min. until she finally came out with the kids. Asked my son to ride in the back seat saying NO and I said OK.. I'll see you a bit later at home calmly. Wife tells me to GET IN THE CAR saying I will see you a bit latter and then drives off! Her choice in how to handle the problem w/kids involved. She had many other options besides this. Then she comes hunting for me (in their car) with her Sisters w/o kids and finds me. Kids stay over and start to drive home together. We start again but my point is well focused and defined asking her specifically WHAT are WE going to do about our marriage and What is happening to you? She gets more defensive and protective. Tells me to stop being MEAN and yelling at her while ONLY asking about our marriage and what SHE wants to do. Told her I'M DONE and IT"S OVER if she can't step up! NOT going to live this WAY ANYMORE! You won't believe what happens next! She pulls into the local Police station! Holy Crap? What are they going to do? and WHAT is she doing? I have done nothing wrong, we are having an argument. She goes in while I get out of the car and all of sudden 8 Cops come pouring out the doors toward me. After the initial "hey Buddy, she doesn't pull up to the Police Station for no reason" by the female Cops every thing starts to mellow. Talked to one of the Detectives asking what's wrong if if I hit her? Don't hit my Wife because I love her and She's cheating on me. We were having an argument where she had difficulty answering questions about how to resolve issues in our marriage. We been married xx years and probably have sex tomorrow morning or the next day. (day after) So she pulled in here to get me to stop. It's a control game and looking for an exit stratgedy/relationship. The next morning tells me I can't keep forgiving you because it takes a little piece out every time. OK...? Then she wants to start again later. Tell her I'm sooo sorry for EVER doubting you and not trusting you. "I KNOW you would NEVER Cheat on me, just like I would NEVER CHEAT on YOU" "Let's move forward and start a NEW beggining" And I meant IT! Then I watched her reaction and knew... it's over and am done with her.
jmargel Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 That's what you always order and THAT"S What You're Getting! (huh? never asking but telling) Calmly went and sat at another table outside ordering what I wanted! Comes out and tells me the food is here. Said I already ordered what I wanted and I'm waiting for my food... Just had a glass of water for dinner waiting for her. Your whole thread here is about control issues. This isn't going to stop, it's only going to get worse. Seems the more I try to talk about it, the worst she gets. Then stop talking about it with her and follow through with the ultrmatium. The next morning tells me I can't keep forgiving you because it takes a little piece out every time. OK...? Then she wants to start again later. Tell her I'm sooo sorry for EVER doubting you and not trusting you. "I KNOW you would NEVER Cheat on me, just like I would NEVER CHEAT on YOU" "Let's move forward and start a NEW beggining" And I meant IT! OMG, that is the WORST thing you could have done. All that has shown her is that as long as she pushes hard enough that you will cower. You words don't have any meaning by them. You are basically saying to her 'Listen, I want things to work out you need to be honest with me and I want us to goto MC. But as long as you get more angry and do weird things such as going to the PD then I will cower and things will be back to the way you want them to be'. She doesn't want to move forward, she wants things to be the way they are. Has she explained the $1,100 that she took? She is using her anger as a defense to protect what she's done to you. It's so as long as you focus on her anger and give into it, she doesn't have to face the consequences of what she's did and is still doing. Go home tonight with some cardboard boxes and tell her to start packing. Contact your police first to let them know what you are doing and that she may have a violent reaction to this. It's so she doesn't threaten you. When she starts talking, just calmly tell her that it's either you two make an appointment this week with a licensed MC (look for one who's also a psychologist) or that she's gone. You really need to do this, this is NOT a marriage. This has 'War of the Roses' written all over it unless it's defused now.
Author NiceGuyMojo Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by jmargel Your whole thread here is about control issues. This isn't going to stop, it's only going to get worse. Then stop talking about it with her and follow through with the ultrmatium. OMG, that is the WORST thing you could have done. All that has shown her is that as long as she pushes hard enough that you will cower. You words don't have any meaning by them. You are basically saying to her 'Listen, I want things to work out you need to be honest with me and I want us to goto MC. But as long as you get more angry and do weird things such as going to the PD then I will cower and things will be back to the way you want them to be'. She doesn't want to move forward, she wants things to be the way they are. Has she explained the $1,100 that she took? She is using her anger as a defense to protect what she's done to you. It's so as long as you focus on her anger and give into it, she doesn't have to face the consequences of what she's did and is still doing. Go home tonight with some cardboard boxes and tell her to start packing. Contact your police first to let them know what you are doing and that she may have a violent reaction to this. It's so she doesn't threaten you. When she starts talking, just calmly tell her that it's either you two make an appointment this week with a licensed MC (look for one who's also a psychologist) or that she's gone. You really need to do this, this is NOT a marriage. This has 'War of the Roses' written all over it unless it's defused now. I'm DONE and HAVE to moved forward. What else can I do except suffer HER abuse everyday in the future. She has NO IDEA of the pain she has caused to OUR Famiily and ME over her selfishness. This could have been going on for YEARS but is OVER NOW! She rather PROTECT and HIDE her LIES RATHER THAN HER OWN FAMILY!.... Something is going on and is ending NOW! Proceedings are already in place with a very small grace period to amend till it's over. SHE has to come UPFRONT and HONEST going to MC/PSY to resolve or bye-bye!! END of Thread!
Owl Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Good Mojo. Bout time you stood up for yourself and set a boundary in your marriage!! I'm curious how this works out tho...keep posting, either here, or in whatever forum is appropriate on LS.
jmargel Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Like I said before make sure you go through with it.
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 Niceguy, Sorry for all the crap she's put you through, and ofcourse the kids as well. I wish I knew 100% for sure wtf she's been up to, but my wild guess still is an affair, just not sure if it's with a male or female. The $$ is a sign of something. You'd know if it was drugs, there a sure signs of that... Anyway my dear, keep intouch, hopefully sometime your PM will work! Keep a clear head, you're on the right path, by possibly ending it, as sad as that is, it's something you have to do. Life is not worth living in misery 24/7 and that is what your life has been in the bunch of months since you started posting here. Hugs!
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 The money issue is bothering me. Sounds like gambling or drugs. Why did she withdraw all the cash from the ATM???? Is she lending money to somebody and helping them out? A co-worker, a friend? This just popped into my head just now. Could explain why she takes so much out... Hope you're doing okay.
Author NiceGuyMojo Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Is she lending money to somebody and helping them out? A co-worker, a friend? This just popped into my head just now. Could explain why she takes so much out... Hope you're doing okay. Hah Ha... Hardly, probably some APT she is renting/splitting close to work is best what I figure. Even figured out who it is. Found out she like to read my posts on LS and asked me STOP reading things about INFIDELITY bookmarked in my favorites. Should have asked her why or better yet why not? She has agreed to MC BUT only if you go first after threating divorce. She wants me to see a PSY because the problem is with ME not HER. Said OK if you promise to MC. She wanted SEPARATION but told her let's cut out the chase scene and GET IT OVER WITH by divorcing so we can both be done! Told her File and I won't contest. (legal advantage) Let's get on with our lives and bypass the BS if she doesn't want to FIX the marriage! Ask me What are you going to do? Get on with MY life WITHOUT you! She wants everything and pack your bags and leave. Just leave! (like I did something wrong) Nope! We Divorce First, then I leave. Keeps dragging her feet on the selecting a MC from the plan. I want her to take some initive to participate in the process because I fell this should be a joint effort. Seems she is only buying time and does not want to resolve anything? Waiting for me to make the next move? The kids are gone to camp for 3 weeks and we have a lot of time together so far on week 1. She thinks (a lot) SEX will fix or resolve any issues we have on the short or long term? All- You-Can-Eat Plan. She won't talk and just wants to sleep all the time or wants to cuddle staying in bed and watch TV? Been eating a lot of (comfort foods) B & J ice cream and Pizza every night too! Week ago last Saturday told her I want her to be up front and Honest with me and she agreed. Then she lies about canceling our ISP service and tells me it is no more. BS receiving a conformation letter on Thursday before saying the plan was switched to a lower cost per month. Then the password is changed on our bank account and then the diamonds disappear from her jewelry box? Should I ask wtf is going on? I can read the writing on the walls and She wants to work this out? I think she is having an affair for a transition into another relationship.
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 I'm spinning right now after reading what you wrote. Wish you'd see if you can get your PM up and running cuz what I wanna say, I can't put down here! Anyway, most definately come at her and MAKE her tell you. It's time. Enough is enough. Game over. She has alot of nerve putting it all on you, which once again shows how her mind is working and she isn't seeing the whole picture and can't be objective at all. You need to know about the password change, the diamonds. Just keep on at her till she caves. What she is doing is absolutely INSANE. Not knowing is worse, atleast once you actually know what it is you're up against, you can deal with it head on... Keep intouch...
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 It sounds like she is laying the groundwork and hiding away a nest egg for a new life: one without you. If you have not talked to a lawyer, you need to. ASAP. I think you are in the process of getting royally screwed - and she is setting you up big time by manufacturing all these grounds for divorce that will work in her favor. Please, please, please contact a lawyer before you lose literally everything.
Author NiceGuyMojo Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 PM is dead because MODS/ Phil AKA FOUNDER of LS shut down PMING.! Guess he doesn't want PM between individuals. He never heard of paper-clip-ideas. One word. Tried the part where she caves and SHE brought me to the front doorsteps of the Police Station. Last straw! This was (HER) power play. Anything to keep my mouth shut because she DID NOT want to address ANY issues in our marriage. That's what I told them. I have nothing to hide but should have walked when we pulled up. I think it forced the issue with her by me staying. Now on file is a domestic disturbance at the local PD. I've already started to move on while keeping a open mind. I have a free and clear conscious. You can't MAKE anyone tell you something!, they have to want to tell you. It's clear she would rather die with lies than ever tell me the truth.. I have no other choice except to move on without her.
Author NiceGuyMojo Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia It sounds like she is laying the groundwork and hiding away a nest egg for a new life: one without you. If you have not talked to a lawyer, you need to. ASAP. I think you are in the process of getting royally screwed - and she is setting you up big time by manufacturing all these grounds for divorce that will work in her favor. Please, please, please contact a lawyer before you lose literally everything. Let her! He heh... She can have everything I own today. I know and don't care. As long as I can leave with MY pride and diginity that's all I want. Tommorow is another day and You reap what you sow.
exoticdesi Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 I have been through similar situation, even worse( 2 kids, 12 yrs married). My W had an A, and for the first few months after, she would bring out dagger in every conversation we had. I could not figure out for the world why would she suddenly develop so much hostility/animosity towards me. She was not that hostile while she had the A going on, but why now when everything is out in open. Later she told me that there were lot of factors. It is very hard to judge woman's mind. To begin with, even though the A was recent, the seeds were sown long back. She already had lost attraction towards me. She was starting to see everything bad in me. And then someone else gave her attention, and she fell for it. When the A got exposed by me, I was already the bad guy and the OM was a wonderful person. It was as if I snatched a toy from a kid. The third thing she felt was that she was up against the whole world. By reinforcing that I would make sure her infedility would be exposed to everyone, and that I would make sure she will have a long legal battle to fight, she won't get her dear kids custody, made her go ballistic. She has a strong personality akin to a spring (and probably I would guess the same for your Wife), the more you try to suppress the more she springs. The point is I was doing all the wrong things. Fight with her, trying to sneak on her, watch her all the time, threaten her with divorce every time. We were like adversaries fighting a battle. And I think you are pretty much doing the same thing. I am not going to tell you whether she has affair or not. Can't tell you whether you should stick with her or not, that is up to you to decide. But surely she won't be telling you anything, even if she wants to as long as sees you as adversary. I put a complete stop to my fights. I wanted her to do some self-digging instead of trying to find ways to protect herself. I started to become like her old mate. Told her I am not there to hurt you. Even if she wants out, I will give her the house, kids, but if she expects to find the next man better than me than she needs to some reality check. Atleast, with me she knows what to expect. She says now that she has realized what love and marriage is all about and how stupid she was to sqander it all away. She then opened up, and at least we are communicating better now. The kids are more than happy. My gut feeling is that she is not having an affair. It is just that she is having a very bad relationship with you. She is definitely hiding something, but she doesn't see you as a person to open up with. The fact that she never wanted divorce and wanted to be with you tells me something. From the looks of it, I don't see that she is much financially dependent on you. And besides, even if you prove adultery, most of the states don't consider it as a crime. That doesn't make her bad mother. So for a moment if we assume she has an affair, and if she is financially secure (don't forget alimony and child support), and if the law is with her as far as kids are concerned, then she would have probably left by now. The only thing possible is that either the affair she had has ended or she didn't have any affair at all to begin with. In both cases, you still have a chance of saving your marriage (atleast for the kids sake). Well , I wish you good luck. I am still working on my issues. Only time will tell, whether sticking with her is a right decision or not. P.S: By the way, instead of MC, I had my wife agree on speaking to elderly family relative whom she trusted, who knew our culture, who hails from same background and ethnicity as we are. Ours was a arrainged marriage and most of the general American matrimonial issues did not apply to us. We had our own set of issues. It helped more than any MC would.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Exoticdesi makes some excellent points. You have become her "adversary". That puts you in the enemy camp. I think that unless you comply with the psychiatric evaluation that she is requesting....you're eventually going to lose her. I've never been convinced with absolute certainty that she's having an affair. Someone once suggested that she maybe just doesn't "like" you much at this time. I think that's a definate possibility. Whatever the case, I can't see what damage it would do for you to get the eval.
Author NiceGuyMojo Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by exoticdesi I have been through similar situation, even worse( 2 kids, 12 yrs married). My W had an A, and for the first few months after, she would bring out dagger in every conversation we had. I could not figure out for the world why would she suddenly develop so much hostility/animosity towards me. She was not that hostile while she had the A going on, but why now when everything is out in open. Ditto.. 2 Kids, 15 years married. Based on your comment above, what I think I have been experiencing is the fall-out AFTER the affair which has been going on for several months. Basically when I started posting on LS. I asked the same (why) questions you did. Her anger several months ago was ballistic and yes, she would pull out the dagger in every conversation. Even on the kids too which told me something is very wrong. I have been looking the past several months for some proof of an A and have come up with nothing which leads me to think this is the post A stage. What I did know was something was not right with her so I pushed to find out which pushed her further away. I backed off and gave her room but she was still acting hostile and said I was being MEAN to her. This was because she was hurting inside. Everything was (100%) my fault in our marriage and I was the reason she feels this way. She has no accountability in the relationship for what's wrong. The point is I was doing all the wrong things. Fight with her, trying to sneak on her, watch her all the time, threaten her with divorce every time. We were like adversaries fighting a battle. And I think you are pretty much doing the same thing. I am not going to tell you whether she has affair or not. Can't tell you whether you should stick with her or not, that is up to you to decide. But surely she won't be telling you anything, even if she wants to as long as sees you as adversary. I put a complete stop to my fights. I wanted her to do some self-digging instead of trying to find ways to protect herself. I started to become like her old mate. Told her I am not there to hurt you. I have been doing all the wrong things but didn't know the right thing? It seems you are on the right track and given some very good insight from your experience. I too have quit fighting and tell her when she is trying to pick a fight to stop. In some of the earlier posts her wanting to get away (without me) was her way of wanting to sort through her emotions she was feeling.. The pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall into place. Now I have a time line. Please keep posting and thanks for your help exoticdesi.
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 PM is dead because MODS/ Phil AKA FOUNDER of LS shut down PMING.! Guess he doesn't want PM between individuals. He never heard of paper-clip-ideas. One word. It isn't dead, cuz I have access to PM. This is just weird. Maybe you need to have most posts or something. Did you write a note to a mod, through contact us and see what they say? I can put down my thoughts here, but it's just easier with PM. Anyway, hang in there, you seem to be giving off a stronger energy these days and more in control of what you feel.
Author NiceGuyMojo Posted August 7, 2005 Author Posted August 7, 2005 Bad news, I got laid-off from my Full time job plus my two part time side work jobs have slowed way down. Money is tight before but is even worst now.... Kids need new clothes, food on the table, getting behind on our Bills... So The Wife went on a cost cutting mission telling me she is canceling the Internet, phone services, unscrewing light bulbs (just in the bathrooms)? Down to one 25 watt bulb, don't flush the toilet and the list goes on. Here's the strange one, she wants the AC running 24/7 set at 60 degrees? Funny thought too... the bathrooms are the only rooms we have mirrors in but I guess that's just a coincidence? BTW, Marriage Counseling was the first on the list to go until I get employed again and we get caught up on the bills. We never started going because she kept dragging her feet with excuses nor could I go because we didn't have the money. She has become extremely Paranoid lately and thinks I'm stalking her every move. Although I have surprised her 3 times in the last 6 months by showing up unexpected, I'm NOT following her around. I had done this many times before but now seems different. One time was showing up at her work to take her to lunch which was a very nice experience. We held hands and talked over lunch. She didn't expect me because my car was in the shop that day and took Public Transportation. It was either stay at home all day or go do something. She didn't freak out when I showed up but was just surprised. Another time was when I dropped off some used motor oil at the auto parts store early in the morning and saw her car. She was working out at her Gym. So I saw her and tapped on the glass. I could read her lips! WTF is HE doing Here? Told her I was dropping off some used motor oil next door and she forgot to give me a kiss good-bye this morning. I had no idea she would be there. She gave me a kiss and I said bye. She was just surprised to see me and acted like no big deal. Well,...one day last week was a little different. I had called her early in the day and ask her if I could talk with her without the kids around. Said she was busy (in meetings all day), I have to pick up my Mother at the airport tonight at 7 and I'll call you later. The airport is 10 minutes away and home is 30 minutes each way so I figured she will be working late or could be a good time to grab a bite to eat and talk to her. On the way there thought of this nice little park a few blocks from her work where we could talk. Maybe have a picnic too? It was still early when I got to The Park so walked around a bit to check out a good place for sandwiches. Saw her car and knew she would not be off work for at least another 45 minutes even if she left early. Then starting thinking....this is a BAD IDEA since she has acted so paranoid in the past... So I left around 5:15 and her car was still there. Decided to see my kids instead. She shows up 10 minutes behind me? Holly Crap! Why? Asked me what I did today and said she saw my car at The Park but not me? Told her the truth the next morning. She was FREAKING OUT when she saw my car parked there! She was at the park with The OM from work! She just assumed I SAW HER and OM sitting on the park bench since my car was parked there! She called her Sister (watching the kids) immediately telling her "thinking" what would HE (me) do if I caught them sitting in the park together? SHE told her sister this! The truth is I never saw her or anyone else I knew in the park. I never even thought about it! Sure, she told me a story later "how it was work related" which sounded very believable but not in her job title as HER area of responsibility? Sounded more as a very creative way within her job title to get out of the office. My Son spilled the beans to me how she was trying to figure out How I. Knew she was at the park and told him to be very careful about what he tells me if I ask him questions in the future. She is brainwashing him...I can't believe this! This is the sad part where she brings the kids into her cover up. Why else? Last weekend was pretty good. Just us with no kids hanging out at home UNTIL Sunday night. We had decided to go out for dinner. I asked her if she was going to take a shower and she said no, when I come home after dinner I will. (It had been over two days since her last shower) Told her "come on" you will feel better, let's take one together? NOOO! Then. She blew! You don't TELL ME WHEN I SHOULD I TAKE A SHOWER! She wanted to pick a fight and I engaged her right in. She calls one of her Sisters telling her MY H wants me to take a shower and HE"S Not going to tell me what to do! HOLLY CRAP? This all within a few minutes! Asked her Sister to come over and go out for dinner. Her Sister basically told her NO, it's too late. She hung up the phone and my W burst into tears....sobbing in bed. Nobody loves me and my life sucks carrying on Her sister calls back, comes over and they go out to dinner. EVERYTHING was MY FAULT according to her because I asked her to take a shower before dinner? HELLO... She figured this (HER statement) out the next day and never mentioned it again. Wonder why? Went on to something else. The same weekend she tells me on Friday Night three times "NOT TO FORGET" that she has a Funeral Service Memorial at Church for one of the Members on Saturday. What Time? Don't know. OK....BUT she hasn't been to church on regular bases in over 7 Months and doesn't plan on going back anytime soon? What gives and she doesn't even know the Member personally? But she has to be there and is going with her Sister. OK? Alarm is set for 10 AM and goes off. What time are you going? I'm waiting for my Sister to call me to tell me if she is going? OK??. 12 Noon rolls around asking her if her Sister called and WHAT TIME IS SHE GOING? Then get the "WHY" question back..... "WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED" Just asking because you said you were going? That's all... Did your Sister call? Then a (SHARP) NO.!!.. ....NO. I"M NOT GOING! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME ABOUT THIS? This no sense whatsoever. I have come to the conclusion she will eventually hang herself by confessing, getting caught or cracking up. Just a matter of time. And I don't have to chase her around. Right now she has the advantage since I'm unemployed but probably I should be looking at my glass as half full instead of half empty. It's hard to keep focused on today muchless tomorrow. One friend told me it sounds like she just wants to piss you off so you will just leave, It's just a game with her that she is playing with YOU to take Monkey of HER back and throw monkey onto Yours. Her focus now is on my (as she calls it) so called outrages behavior and DOES NOT want to work on our marriage when I ask her what are we doing about it? She continues with verbal abuse digging up anything and everything from years past to throw at me as ammunition for arguments. I understand this is a defense or shield to ease the guilt she is feeling. Something is WRONG and don't know what to do. I want to save our marriage at times and at other times look for the emergency exit to get the hell off this roller-coaster ride but can't find it in the dark. Now she is playing (since I was laid off) get a FT job w/benefits and THEN we can BEGIN to work on our marriage! Am I being played and/or set up for divorce? She is doing a power play for control. What Can I do Now?
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 Am I being played and/or set up for divorce? Yes, you are. She has already manufactured plenty of grounds for divorce. She will have plenty of backup from other people too, since I'm sure she has made you out to be controlling and abusive to pretty much anyone who will listen. What to do? Go see a lawyer for some legal advice, ASAP and tell him/her what is going on and how you can protect yourself before she takes you to court with these "grounds" and rapes you in court for alimony and child support.
Author NiceGuyMojo Posted August 7, 2005 Author Posted August 7, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Yes, you are. She has already manufactured plenty of grounds for divorce. She will have plenty of backup from other people too, since I'm sure she has made you out to be controlling and abusive to pretty much anyone who will listen. What to do? Go see a lawyer for some legal advice, ASAP and tell him/her what is going on and how you can protect yourself before she takes you to court with these "grounds" and rapes you in court for alimony and child support. Last night I read your post LucreziaBorgia and went into denial instantly.. This morning after sleeping on everything the pieces of the puzzle all fell into place. I live in a no-fault divorce State so you don't really need any grounds to file. She will be home this afternoon but not sure what to do or say to her. My emotions are running high. Any help right now would be appreciated.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 I live in a no-fault divorce State so you don't really need any grounds to file. The question is... will they make her alimony and child support payments higher? Will they give her an advantage to have the greater share of custody? If she shows in court that you are abusive to her and her children, and that you are controlling, unpredictable (all things she has manufactured since the beginning of your posting) - then you will be taken to the cleaners, big time. I have no doubt she has lists and "proof" - writing down every single thing you do that can be taken the wrong way, and then embellishing and twisting them until she has a stack of proof of how "dangerous" you are. I think her money hoarding is for her legal expenses. I sense something on your horizon, and if you don't get to a lawyer and spill what is going on - that horrible thing coming at you is going to steamroll you while you have your back turned to it. Protect yourself now. Think self preservation, not reconciliation.
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 I agree with LB completely. And I'll add her ways of thinking right now is not clear at all. She is SO wrapped up in her secrets and lies she hasn't got a clue wtf is happening around here. She's definately trying to make you out to be the "bad" guy in all this. My thoughts are so you are the one who ends it, not her. She can say well we were gonna "try" but with the loss of his job we can't now... Question then! She has this great job, why isn't she considering putting you all on HER benefit program? MC can be covered under her benefits. Anyway, I am sorry to hear about all this stuff going on in your life, and ofcourse losing your job. I can relate there as I was laid off from my previous job due to cutbacks. Niceguy, talk to a lawyer. Document as much on paper as you can, conversations, situations, all of it. When she gets home can you confront her or simply don't say a word until YOU know what you wanna say. My suggestion is don't say anything until you're feeling strong enough and secure in what you want the outcome to be. Right now the ball is your court, she knows it too...Though I doubt she's expecting anything more than what's been happening daily. Does that make sense.
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