JohnM Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I'm going to put my thoughts out here honestly and hope I don't get criticised for doing so. When looking for a partner in what ratio do you weigh looks and personality and looking back on your experiences would you alter your criteria. I can't tell if I am just too critical in who I am willing to settle for. I'm a good looking guy, and my personality is not lacking to go alongside that. I imagine that's going to be taken to sound arrogant but please don't judge me on that alone, if anyone on here knows since I have been here for a while I'm not an egotistical guy. It just places me in a situation where I feel it's not too demanding to be with someone similar, a good looking girl with a personality. I'm just considering if in fact I'm narrowing my window too much. In my past I have dated a girl who personality wise was great but I just wasn't physically attracted to her and with that lacking it just couldn't go far. Earlier this year I dated a highly attractive girl but her personality was just void and so that stopped in its tracks. Have others been through similar attempts and come to a grounding of what their standards are? I'm not naive to believe that looks are the be all and end all of a person and that long term the personality is the thing that counts and how they treat you. But in my experience so far someone can be ideal in terms of the person but if you don't have the attraction to them that's just not something you can work past when you get to the point you're in their bed. I feel it's a catch 22 in my head as each balances the other and something has to give, or if I persist in my search I feel like I just don't know how many needles are in my haystack.
quidproquo89 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I get where your coming from, of course attraction is important. You've explained that personality is important too so that's ok. As long as you aren't just going after super models I think you'll be okay. It will take time. I'm in the same boat, it can be difficult just keep putting yourself in places where you can meet people and you'll get there .
PinkCarnations Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 Physical attraction first. Then if they're smart, ambitious, and can make me laugh.. They're a keeper.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 For me it's about 50/50. A guy with a great personality I'm not attracted to is a friend. A gorgeous guy with no personality is best left a stranger. The ideal romantic partner is both your best friend and lover. 9
writergal Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 When it comes to building my attraction in men, personality wins over appearance. Personality (especially high self confidence) is really important for me. If he has no self confidence, then I won't find him attractive. And I also agree with you Ruby Slippers, that attractive men with no personality are best left as strangers. 1
Author JohnM Posted October 12, 2014 Author Posted October 12, 2014 True say, it's a case of if the physical attraction isn't seemingly there then it could just be another of my female friends I guess. I like how you have put it best so far Ruby, generally agree with most you post in these forums and you certainly have me beat for experience! I don't know why I make myself feel bad, it's not like I'm choosing the hot personality devoid girls over their opposites. But I feel I should give those with personality a longer go of it initially when dating. Then I start questioning my standards in the looks department. 1
ThaWholigan Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I'd say physical attraction can manifest out of an attraction to intangible attributes and compatibilities in the case of some people. With me, I am very much into good looks if I'm being honest with myself, but what I think is good looking can be pretty subjective. I'd say it's 50/50 with me - a hot girl I find boring wouldn't really ignite me, as much as someone with not only intelligence and creativity, but a bit of a feisty streak to go along with it! It's all about finding the right balance. I wouldn't question your looks standards too hard if I were you - you like what you like! 4
xxoo Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Attraction is important to me. Looks can be a small or large part if attraction. A few of the people I've been extremely drawn toward were not conventionally attractive. On the other hand, I can get weak kneed around a sweet, conventional hottie, too. My partner had changed significantly in appearance over decades, but my attraction to him is core. It seems unaffected by physical change, just pure magnetism. 5
todreaminblue Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Personality is huge with me going ahead with any kind of intimate one on one date..... i have to see glimpses of altruism and or selflessness.....deb 1
gaius Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 My partner had changed significantly in appearance over decades, but my attraction to him is core. It seems unaffected by physical change, just pure magnetism. He put on weight? Or just got older and bald and stuff? I think as you get more comfortable and secure with yourself it swings more to the personality aspect. I've found myself pretty frequently wondering what the hell I'm doing 30 seconds into a conversation with a really attractive woman, realizing it's a massive strain coming up with every reply. Trying my best to figure a way out of it. I'll take a good personality any day. =/ As long as she has nice hair.
xxoo Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Gaius, there were times when he put on weight, but not recèntly. More when we were younger and he was pulling double shifts so I could stay home with babies. It never affected my attraction. 1
Phoe Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I've never put any emphasis on looks. When I was with my exes, others made remarks about their unattractiveness. I didn't care. I thought they were great guys at the time, I loved their personalities. I wouldn't change that, I don't see any reason for me to be fussy about looks. 2
todreaminblue Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 with my ex ...i was not attracted physically at the beginning maybe its because ...i dont trust looks to convey a persons nature...over time ...and knowing him better seeing him and how he was with others allowed me to let my guard down and ....i fell in love..and that bond was there for me.....he was the only guy i was attracted too...others couldnt match him or even came close.....tunnel vision........its the same in any relationship i am in.........deb
gaius Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Oddly enough I think I want a partner who's into looks. I had one who told me one time she wouldn't mind if I gained 20 pounds and I resented the hell out of her for it. I would have prefered if she said I'm not f-ing you with that gross belly after I gained 5.
Elle1975 Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I find "looks" to be extremely subjective. I like men on the comfy side, some like them slender. In the end, personality is what tops it off. Mean spirited, arrogant, etc.. is a deal breaker. Looks, while they can't be totally ignored, are not as important. 3
BluEyeL Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I think it's different for men, because they're more visual. For me, I made a decision to leave looks completely out of the equation. It would be hard for me to be attracted to a man who is skinny and short at the same time, but looks is not what typically makes me fall in love. Rather, the way the man makes me feel is what matters. Conventional good looks doesn't equate attraction and much less love. I have preferences, but ultimately, not even personality, but character is what matters to me first and foremost. Not saying looks or personality don't matter. It's just that for me it's first character and values and the way he makes me feel, and then other things, with looks ranking pretty low. I dated good looking men, but if they didn't treat me right, they were not attractive at all. 2
isisisweeping Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 90% personality 10% looks Almost every guy I've been with would have been considered less attractive than I am physically. But they still drove me wild with their brains and humor and I never wanted for attraction. I am not a visual person.
Emilia Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I don't know how to put an exact figure on it. I can't separate looks and personality. Once I get to know someone I can gain as well as loose attraction to them. Some men you look at initially as a mate and physically nothing special then the fireworks start and you don't know how to scramble out of the relationship unscathed. While bland guys leave me cold regardless how objectively good looking they are. I have no idea how to qualify that with numbers.
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 It's a mix of the 2. Looks will get my initial attention but it can die the instant he opens his mouth if nothing smart comes out of it. When I met my long term ex I looked at him and thought to myself 'oh god no, I don't want to be here'. I did not find him attractive at all then we sat down for a coffee and 5 minutes later I was telling myself 'I think I am gonna see this guy again'. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Looks mean sod all. Its just pretty to look at. When I was younger ALL of the men I dated were fabulously good looking but they lacked that something extra that made me want to stay so they all got dumped... So yes, I look at good looking men, but thats it... The same way I would look at a cute dog or a nice car... Doesn't mean to say I want it... As I get to know someone, if I find their personality is attractive, their looks become more and more attractive. If their personality is great it will get to the point where I will not want to look at the "pretty boys" just at them... That big nose, scrawny legs or those sticky out ears become the very thing that makes them so handsome to me... so all those bits we hate when we look at ourselves in the mirror are the things that someone else will love... My most "romantic" relationship and the man I have felt the most for, was by far the worst looking of the lot. He doesn't even come close to the others in terms of looks and is still referred to (in private) as "the ugly buggar" by my father...! That is why its so important for men to talk to women and vice versa...!
mr_dave Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 It's a tough one, I couldn't have one without the other. I don't think my physical standards are high, big boobs are a massive turn on for me, so that's my only real stipulation. Would I rather date someone who was a 6 in looks but a 10 in personality, or a 10 in looks but a six in personality? Definitely the former!
Author JohnM Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 Some good points made here by all. I think the sexual attraction is important deep down. I am of course not willing to compromise on a 10/10 looks combined with a 5/10 personality. I guess the fact is that generally you can tell a lot sooner if you find someone attractive visually, that doesn't take a lot of work. Personality can take time to truly reveal itself, hence why I expect people do judge on looks initially, it's an easier read. I would expect a higher average of people would agree they need a physical attraction to a certain extent, I know it's not all quantifiable in numbers but let's say a 7/10 to them. Otherwise pairing up would be a lot more common and straight forward, the nicest people who have a good level of intelligence and humour would be in relationships pretty swiftly and the good looking with poor personalities and traits would be the most likely singletons. I always aim to avoid causing others harm where I can and emotional investment in a person is no trivial matter. Hence the high chance of hurting another's feelings if you give a relationship a try and see if their natural attractiveness increases over time with their personality blossoming. I agree that personality can lead to a stronger attraction and affection for another. I just always think from my own experience that the hot girl with lacking personality was a lot easier to process as I could clearly state to myself logically why that person was toxic. Wheras to rule out a perfectly lovely person because of looks becomes so much more difficult for me to justify to myself. I feel it's a case of biological and social constructs as to who gets me physically excited and attracted, whereas the person behind them is the maintainer and the core value of a long term partner. I can more clearly put a value on that.
Tayken Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 This is one of those threads where people will say things on here just to look good, but in reality (away from us all) are bound to do the opposite. If personality really is the most common answer, why is it that we are seeing a whole lot of splits and marriage breakdowns... I mean are people really changing that much? For those that have dropped their clothes on dates, was it really the personality or looks that made you drop it? I mean know people have dropped their clothes after a big fuss, to what they described in their own words...irresistible muscles.
BlueIris Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) About 90% personality and 10% looks. I just can’t be attracted to someone that I don’t enjoy and find interesting, but I’ve dated men in a wide range of physical attractiveness (in the classic or popular sense). Edited October 13, 2014 by BlueIris 1
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