singsparkles Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I feel like the men I'm attracted to just want me for sex and the ones I'm not attracted to are the ones that actually want something serious. Not sure what to do to change this -_- Girrlll, I had been struggling with this forever. Do you use your looks to lure men in? If you do, don't. Try to focus on the conversation you have with these men and focus on what you're saying... I think that helped me wonders and made guys take me more seriously. You're not alone, many women go through this! It's hard. It's in men's nature to want sex, and if they feel they are going to get it, they'll take full advantage, unfortunately, many of them are dogs. You're better than just sex... remember tht! Everyone has something great to offer! <3 Hugs xxxx 1
Tayken Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 remember tht! Everyone has something great to offer! This is indeed correct, no matter how small or large...we were all put on this planet for a reason. 1
TigerLilly78 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 @Enigma I have no idea why you keep talking about "leagues" and "levels" of women like some women are naturally better than others simply because YOU believe they are more appealing physically. Your way of thinking about beauty is seriously flawed. I am trying to tell you that the definition of beauty is SUBJECTIVE and not objective. Seems like to you, big girls are not beautiful but to MANY other men, they are. And just so you know, there's NO self-respect in watching porn all the time. It is actually very sad. And I honestly think you don't have as much self esteem as you think you do. This poster has a seaming fixation with plus size women and will mention them in a less then complementary manner when ever he gets a chance. All that said tho sadly I must agree with him to some extent that today's society dose seam to think there is some magic "levels" of dating witch im starting to think only applies to those who choose to use it. Reason I say this is ive seen some rather lopsided matches so if we were to work off a "league" system alone these matches would just not be logical..again its the boxes we choose to put ourselves in.. Imo its when a personal preferance bows down to what society says should be right a lot of the time I think..its why alot of men and women will not even give other wise good matches for them a chance.. it can be quite depressing when guys who seem so gentlemanly and respectful and say all the right things only for those things said..... to be a crock of bat guano to get you into bed.... denying those guys....is a feel good emotion......its a warm hug for your personal self esteem to say no....its saying hey ....i will not be used so back the hell off.....waiting for the right guy who appreciates all you are not just your vagina .....or a blow job.......is a good aspiration i truly believe good things come to those who wait..we dotn know when or how or who.....but they will turn up.........best wishes....deb Amen Deb well said I said something similar in a recent thread about not having casual sex and how its been a good thing for me to wait until the right time in a relashionship and I was just about vilified I dunno to me getting used on any level is just not liberating as some have said for men or women.. 1
ascendotum Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Girrlll, I had been struggling with this forever. Do you use your looks to lure men in? If you do, don't. ......... Yes, this could very much be a factor as well. You dress to show off your body and have a fun sexy nature, then you will attract guys strictly for that. You'll also attract guys who want a relationship, but they often might not be as attractive or as forthright in talking themselves up and praising your looks and wanting to get you out & drunk and back at their place asap.
jay1983 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 You're shooting for guys that are use to better looking girls. Sorry. In other words, playing out of your league. I know some people here don't believe in leagues, IDK, call it out whatever you want, some people are more physically attractive than others.
Author LoverOfDance Posted October 16, 2014 Author Posted October 16, 2014 @Enigma How do I convince you that the way you think affects your reality. What you believe becomes your reality. If you actually believe you're not good enough to be with certain girls, that belief actually becomes reality simply because you're holding on to it. How can a girl think you're good enough for her if you yourself do not believe you're good enough for her. And by the way, many supermodels and movie stars do not meet society's standard of beauty. And what is society's standard of beauty anyway? It is constantly changing because as I said earlier, beauty is simply a matter of opinion. Today, an ebony girl is not considered beautiful, tomorrow she is. Agbani Darego, a Nigerian who won the Miss World contest in 2001 is a very beautiful woman if you ask me but to many Nigerians, she is just ok. And I know this because I am Nigerian. I have a friend who defines beautiful women as women with pointed noses. This means that to this friend of mine, Agbani (who has a flat nose by the way) a girl who was crowned the most beautiful woman in the world, is not pretty. If you still don't understand or see the point I am trying to make by now, then I have nothing else to say. 2
jay1983 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 OP you're really not helping yourself to a solution for your problem. Instead you're using excuses and looking for validation for your dating woes. I had the same situation with a friend of mine a few months ago. Nobody has the nerve to tell her the truth and she still doesn't get it.
Author LoverOfDance Posted October 16, 2014 Author Posted October 16, 2014 (edited) @jay1983 What? I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about. At this point, I feel like I have already forgotten why I wrote this thread in the first place. I'm just trying to correct @enigma cause I honestly think there are a lot of issues with his way of thinking. If I looked at the world the way he looked at it, I would be very depressed. And this is why a few posters above have said this thread is depressing. But I'm not arguing any more cause I don't like arguments. If anyone still has any GOOD advice for me concerning the original topic of the thread, please feel free to send them my way. Edited October 16, 2014 by LoverOfDance 1
jay1983 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 @jay1983 What? I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about. At this point, I feel like I have already forgotten why I wrote this thread in the first place. I'm just trying to correct @enigma cause I honestly think there are a lot of issues with his way of thinking. If I looked at the world the way he looked at it, I would be very depressed. And this is why a few posters above have said this thread is depressing. But I'm not arguing any more cause I don't like arguments. If anyone still has any GOOD advice for me concerning the original topic of the thread, please feel free to send them my way. What do you wanna hear?
singsparkles Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I don't think the issue is what anyone else is saying. I think the issue is you're going for the wrong guys who aren't emotionally available and only want sex. I don't think it's you. I just think it's the choice in men. 3
Author LoverOfDance Posted October 16, 2014 Author Posted October 16, 2014 @singsparkles Probably the best advice I've heard since I started this thread. Thank you for that. 2
singsparkles Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 @singsparkles Probably the best advice I've heard since I started this thread. Thank you for that. You're welcome. It's true. I see you getting bashed through this whole thread... but I've been in your exact position. Every guy who has only wanted sex with me has gone on to be single for the next 10 years and never is in a relationship because he's emotionally unavailable. These men have nothing else to offer but sex, truly.I believe thats exactly what you're going through. You're probably a wonderful woman with so much to offer. But guys like this don't see it. Guys like this will never appreciate a good women. It's not you... just be more picky with who you choose, and you will find a wonderful man who will want you for more than just sex. Sex will just be a bonus. 2
dynamicboy Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I feel like the men I'm attracted to just want me for sex and the ones I'm not attracted to are the ones that actually want something serious. Not sure what to do to change this -_- I see nothing wrong with them wanting sex with you. Many great long lasting commited relationship start with just sex. If not, at least make sure it is great sex and enjoy the moment. Nothing wrong with that, actually you should consider yourself lucky, not every man/woman is having great sex (provided we are talking about safe sex) But then you say you *feel* and this is a very unstable and uncertain parameter as to base further decisions and actions. If you *feel* this or that then you either blindly trust your feelings, or take some risk to test whether your feelings are founded or not. If you have the time and circumstances allow it, then risk yourself. Blindly trusting your feelings is ok only when there is no option but to follow your guts.
Cristo Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 @Enigma I have no idea why you keep talking about "leagues" and "levels" of women like some women are naturally better than others simply because YOU believe they are more appealing physically. Your way of thinking about beauty is seriously flawed. I am trying to tell you that the definition of beauty is SUBJECTIVE and not objective. Seems like to you, big girls are not beautiful but to MANY other men, they are. And just so you know, there's NO self-respect in watching porn all the time. It is actually very sad. And I honestly think you don't have as much self esteem as you think you do. Sorry, but leagues do exist. In general, looks are OBJECTIVE, not SUBJECTIVE. I'm not sure why this is so difficult to understand (but it seems to be). For example, women find my smile to be attractive (I have dimples). Most women really like it. At worst, it's neutral. However, most women find my short height to be a turn-off. At best, it's neutral. Why? Because ALL women are attracted to height in some degree. It's an objectively attractive trait. Just like every other trait is either objectively attractive or unattractive. Basically, if a fat woman is aiming for a male model, she will not get him unless he's trying to use her for something. She would likely be lucky to even get sex from him. Just look around you at couples. Most are of a similar level of attractiveness. Do you think that this happened by accident? Or people settled (either consciously or subconsciously) with the best that they can get? 1
Cristo Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 You're welcome. It's true. I see you getting bashed through this whole thread... but I've been in your exact position. Every guy who has only wanted sex with me has gone on to be single for the next 10 years and never is in a relationship because he's emotionally unavailable. These men have nothing else to offer but sex, truly.I believe thats exactly what you're going through. You're probably a wonderful woman with so much to offer. But guys like this don't see it. Guys like this will never appreciate a good women. It's not you... just be more picky with who you choose, and you will find a wonderful man who will want you for more than just sex. Sex will just be a bonus. This is typical "You go gurlll!!" advice. So you're saying that the issue is with every man on the planet, but not OP. If this advice was given to a man, that person would be laughed off of the thread. Sorry, OP, but the issue is likely you and not everyone else. You just like this advice better because you now have validation that the issue isn't with you and that you don't have to change anything about yourself. But the advice is wrong and you likely do have to change something. 1
TigerLilly78 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Basically, if a fat woman is aiming for a male model, she will not get him unless he's trying to use her for something. She would likely be lucky to even get sex from him. Actually this is not totally true did you know that Pierce brosnan is married to a plus size women? I mean the man was James Bond himself also there are other well known celebrities that date plus size women.. 1
singsparkles Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 This is typical "You go gurlll!!" advice. So you're saying that the issue is with every man on the planet, but not OP. If this advice was given to a man, that person would be laughed off of the thread. Sorry, OP, but the issue is likely you and not everyone else. You just like this advice better because you now have validation that the issue isn't with you and that you don't have to change anything about yourself. But the advice is wrong and you likely do have to change something. But you men are making it sound like all men like the same thing. I know SOOOOOO many men that love thick/somewhat overweight women and that is their PREFERENCE. Plus size is beautiful to a lot of men. Maybe not you... but other men out there. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. If someone is having sex with someone, they obviously find them attractive. My best friend was overweight in highschool and got ALL the guys, cause she had a nice plump butt and a sparkling personality. She was magnetic with men and all men swooned over her. Attractiveness is not about weight to every man. The dudes she has been engaging with are douche bags that only want sex... it's not her or her looks or ANYTHING like that. These dudes ARE doing the same thing they do with her with every other female. That's how men like that are. Maybe you can't relate, but I've seen this story time and time again.
singsparkles Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 And another thing... the men on this board are so quick to judge OP's appearance and overall package and don't even know her! I think that's horrible and degrading. Little do you know, she's probably an amazing catch that you would die to date. Don't ever be so quick to judge. Just happens to choose the wrong men, it seems.
Emilia Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 @jay1983 What? I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about. At this point, I feel like I have already forgotten why I wrote this thread in the first place. I'm just trying to correct @enigma cause I honestly think there are a lot of issues with his way of thinking. If I looked at the world the way he looked at it, I would be very depressed. And this is why a few posters above have said this thread is depressing. But I'm not arguing any more cause I don't like arguments. If anyone still has any GOOD advice for me concerning the original topic of the thread, please feel free to send them my way. The world puts expectations on you and at times you will not be good enough while others will be. It's how it is though. It's only depressing if you don't accept human nature. Maybe the men you try to date are emotionally unavailable, in my opinion that's worse news than your trying to punch above your weight because that means you are drawn to guys that basically use people and dump them. You need to evaluate the character of these guys, what they have in common to understand what it is that draws you to them. It's what you will need to avoid in the future if you want to break the cycle. But yes, making the best of what you have both mentally is physically is the surest way to ensure you have the most chances in life. Not just romantically but otherwise too. People telling you that you must be an amazing catch aren't helpful because they aren't dealing with reality. We can compliment you until we are blue in the face and you will still get dumped by the next guy. 5
jay1983 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 And another thing... the men on this board are so quick to judge OP's appearance and overall package and don't even know her! I think that's horrible and degrading. Little do you know, she's probably an amazing catch that you would die to date. Don't ever be so quick to judge. Just happens to choose the wrong men, it seems. Dude you're not putting 2 and 2 together. The men she's attracted to only want sex from her. The men she's not attracted to want a relationship with her. The wrong men are the ones she's attracted to. The right men are the ones that she is attracted to.
Cristo Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Actually this is not totally true did you know that Pierce brosnan is married to a plus size women? I mean the man was James Bond himself also there are other well known celebrities that date plus size women.. Proof that the exception defines the rule. But you men are making it sound like all men like the same thing. I know SOOOOOO many men that love thick/somewhat overweight women and that is their PREFERENCE. Plus size is beautiful to a lot of men. Maybe not you... but other men out there. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. If someone is having sex with someone, they obviously find them attractive. My best friend was overweight in highschool and got ALL the guys, cause she had a nice plump butt and a sparkling personality. She was magnetic with men and all men swooned over her. Attractiveness is not about weight to every man. The dudes she has been engaging with are douche bags that only want sex... it's not her or her looks or ANYTHING like that. These dudes ARE doing the same thing they do with her with every other female. That's how men like that are. Maybe you can't relate, but I've seen this story time and time again. Most men do not like overweight women. Sure, there are a few that do, but you greatly overestimate how many. Far more prefer skinny women. Just like there are a few women out there that actually prefer short men over tall. They are rare, but I've met them. However, the vast majority of women prefer tall men....because tall is objectively attractive, just like skinny is. OP is obviously doing something wrong. Otherwise, she wouldn't be in the predicament that she's in. Neither of us know her IRL. Based on her comments and the women that I've known to struggle IRL, she is likely shooting out of her league. Leagues exist. If they didn't, OP would be getting every good-looking tall guy on POF to want to date her, but she's not.
jay1983 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Proof that the exception defines the rule. . Actually when he married her, she was a size 1. 2
HereNorThere Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Culturally, the preference for bigger women correlates with the socio-economic status of the male. Simply put, poorer men (or men from poorer culture or developing nations) find bigger girls attractive while richer men like thinner women. If you don't believe me, look it up.
TigerLilly78 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 He is the exception, not the rule. Also, she was fit enough to be a bikini model before the wedding. She probably gained close to 100lbs after getting married to Pierce. Using her as an example does not help your cause. ... But he is a celebrity who stayed with a plus size women when he clearly could have other options. also other stars date plus size women Jamie fox as example has openly said he likes plus size women thats dating not being married to her and then she gains weight dose that count or any other celebrity one could find that would date plus size women? would they all not count? surely not..the comment was made that a plus size women would be lucky to get a celebrity/model bf much less a lay from one I clearly proved that wrong..
TigerLilly78 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Culturally, the preference for bigger women correlates with the socio-economic status of the male. Simply put, poorer men (or men from poorer culture or developing nations) find bigger girls attractive while richer men like thinner women. If you don't believe me, look it up. Thin women are "in" because its what socaity tells us we should want if you look back to the middle ages plus size women were all the rage its a social fad nothing more..bigger women are popular in those countries cause to become overweight its believed one must be rich in today's world thats clearly not true..but yet again another example of a weight based social fad..
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