confusedgirl149 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) Okay, so my boyfriend and I met in high school, we were together for 7 years and we were friends for a little while before dating. We broke up back in March-8 months ago. He told me that we were (back in March) together too much and I needed my own life and that he needed space because we've been together so long he hasn't had anytime apart he just needed to be alone. I moved out of the apartment with the help of our two roommates (they were my friends-never hear from them anymore) In April he found someone new. So immediately. She has became me. She literally took my spot in our friends group I don't talk to any of them anymore because they find it weird because of him/her and think it would be a bad situation. Although I've known them for 7 years and her a few months...And I lived with two of them and one of them was literally like my brother. He makes her listen to the same music as me and she gets our dog now. He claims he doesn't care if I'm around or talk to them but they seem influenced. I NEVER once drunk texted, texted him, did anything weird to him in the 8 months we've been broken up. I have had no contact at all. So I don't understand why he is beings so mean to me. There is a get together for Halloween and I know seems trivial, but I texted him apologizing that it came to texting him about it, but I said I felt pretty sad and left out because I'm literally the only one out of 30+ people not invited. I have known these guys/girls for 7/8 years and once we broke up I feel like they had to choose sides so they took his. I understand that, but he texted me saying he has no influence on them and he doesn't care what they do/who I am talking too. I don't get why he is being so mean about it. He is the one that broke up with ME and I have done nothing to deserve this. He said he would be friends with me after all this. We met up back in July and he basically re-broke up with me saying that he said those things because he didn't know how he really felt. But his feelings haven't changed and that we were never really friends before we dated and blah blah. It's just super hard to lose him and then lose all my friends. Plus his family. We were together for sooo long that I don't know how he can just get over it. He took our dog, everything. I've been doing better, but if he really doesn't care why is he being so mean? Why can't he be nice or even be my friend? I've never given him any reason to think that I'm still in love with him or anything. Which, I miss him, but definitely don't love him because who would want to be treated like this. I even told him I've moved on in the text I just sent- a guy that has been interested in me since I started dating my ex-bf in high school. We did kiss one time, but nothing more but he brought that up the day he second break up in with me in July saying like why did you do that? like I should have ended it then and that was back in 2011. He said he felt like he needed to make it work. So he kept dating me for 2/3 years- because he had too. And in that time we went to several of his families and brothers weddings, cousins, his family was my family, bought me a ring and he led me to believe by even talking about marriage 6 months before we broke up..... Its all very confusing. Main questions I guess is why is he being so mean? I've done nothing to deserve it. Why hasn't he contacted me? Does he just really like not like me anymore even as a friend/person? I dont know how you give up a 7/8 year relationship and friendship. Sorry it's long, and thanks in advance. Edited October 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 Girl, I'm really sorry to hear all of this. I have been in your position, and it's very difficult when such a long-term relationship ends and then also when you feel you've been replaced. Your pain is jumping through the computer screen, and you have my sympathy. With that said, I am a bit confused about the timeline. You said you broke up again in July - but I didn't read where you'd gotten back together after he ended it in March. What do you mean he "re-broke up" with you in July? This isn't possible unless you reconciled. Also, while he's definitely been distant, I don't see how he is being mean to you. He was honest in telling you that he wants to move on. It's hurtful, of course. But I don't think he had a malicious intention. This is also why he isn't contacting you or trying to be friends. He is moving on and starting a new chapter. It sucks, but after a break-up he isn't obligated to continue a friendship with you. If he were actively keeping people away from you, I would agree, but I'm not sure that's the case here. In the end, you can take this as an opportunity to start building up your own life again. Meet new people and take in some fresh scenery. Staying in the same social circle as him would probably only be detrimental to your recovery. You already know more than you should about his new girl (how do you know about her taste in music, btw?) Don't expose yourself to more of that. It will only hold you back.
Author confusedgirl149 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Posted October 12, 2014 Well, we met back up to talk and it was basically like him breaking up with me again. Which was dumb to meet and talk now that I think about it. I just can’t tell if he is actively keeping them away. I know them and I know him and I know they are easily influenced by him its been that way since high school. So even if they aren’t talking about keeping me away, I feel like they think they have too because of her and him if that makes sense? I just don’t see why he feels the need to stay away, I don’t know why he wouldn’t want me in his life? When we’ve been through so much together. His family still contacts me occasionally and that just makes it worse. And I do know too much because of friends that know of her and tell me about her. They have been the ones to tell me (even when I don’t want them too) about her and the stuff they have been up too.
BC1980 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 It's so difficult to end a long term relationship. The reality is that you can't be friends after you breakup, and neither of you is obligated to be a friend to the other one. Like the other poster said, he's not being mean. This is just how things work. He's honestly doing you a favor by ignoring you. I would completely find a new group of friends a completely change your life. That's the best advice I can give you.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I don't think he's being mean, I just think that he wants a clear break. You aren't a friend, you are an ex-girlfriend. Honestly, i think it's completely normal that he doesn't want you in his life right now. Like has been said, he's actually doing you a favor by being this way. He's living his life and giving you an ability to live yours. Unfortunately, you are holding yourself back at this point. He's not sending mixed signals. He's been clear. You need to accept it.
Survivor12 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 If you could clarify a few things, it would make it easier to advise you-- If you haven't talked to any of the "friends" since your breakup, how do you know what they are thinking or that your ex makes his gf listen to the same music? What brought about the meetup with your ex 4 months after your breakup? I assume you initiated it, am I right? I am also curious why you haven't reached out to any of the others if they were your friends, particularly the ones you say were close. It is possible that they feel that you walked away from them or were upset that they remained friendly with your ex after your breakup. I do agree that it doesn't sound as though your ex is being "mean". He just doesn't want to maintain a friendship, and since he does have a new gf, that isn't unreasonable.
BC1980 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I just can’t tell if he is actively keeping them away. I know them and I know him and I know they are easily influenced by him its been that way since high school. So even if they aren’t talking about keeping me away, I feel like they think they have too because of her and him if that makes sense? I just don’t see why he feels the need to stay away, I don’t know why he wouldn’t want me in his life? When we’ve been through so much together. His family still contacts me occasionally and that just makes it worse. And I do know too much because of friends that know of her and tell me about her. They have been the ones to tell me (even when I don’t want them too) about her and the stuff they have been up too. After a breakup, people do tend to take sides. Kind of like in a divorce. People just tend to side with one person, especially if it was a long relationship or ended on bad terms. You can't concern yourself with that. Just be yourself, and keep going. You need to stop contact with the family. They will probably understand that you need to take some time away. I used to have some minimal contact with my ex's sister, but I eventually just stopped it altogether. It always brought up memories, so I had to cut it out of my life. Nothing against her, and she understood my reasons. You need to tell your friends to stop giving you updates. They might think they are being helpful, but politely ask them to stop. I have a friend at work who would keep me updated on my ex because he was coming back to work at the same place we met. She had gotten information on his timeline for coming back, and she kept telling me stuff I didn't care to hear. She thought she was being helpful, but I had to ask her to stop. She's a nurse that worked for the same group he now works for, and she was telling me his schedule. She really thought she was being helpful, but I didn't want to know about him. Sometimes, outsiders don't understand the dynamic of the breakup, and they are very used to see you as a couple. They also seem to have a hard time reconciling that you are no longer together.
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