Comfortable or Not-Interested?

[beandel]

My LDR partner can sometimes be a bit aloof. By nature he is a go-with-the-flow type of person and it takes very very special moments to get him to open up and express his feelings.

 

Often times I find that I have to initiate conversation that is serious in nature. He never objects and is always willing to contribute although sometimes I have to show that I'm being serious if he is a little too goofy during serious times.

 

In the beginning of the relationship, he used to volunteer this information a lot more and indicate heavy interest in a long-term future with me and so on. Now he still does but only after such a topic has been raised.

 

Even in our communication he seems to be content with our regular ways of interacting such as texting and skype but I feel like I have to initiate or express a desire to Skype and encourage the texting more than he does. (he takes quite long to respond sometimes where he never used to). This is usually because he gets stuck playing video games or doing something else.

I tried to ask about trying some LDR tips on communicating like Skype dates and doing simultaneous activities together, however, his first response was almost like an "oh man, what does she want me to do now?" and then when I told him about that and said "don't bother" he became more serious about it.

 

This in turn is making it hard for me as I tend to react according to how I feel others have been towards me. I do not like games but if he expresses disinterest I will in turn become disinterested in the situation which I know will put further strain on the relationship.

Its becoming harder to deal with as I feel like I miss his terribly. He never expresses missing me until I ask and his attitude, while positive, is just more nonchalant. (Admittedly, he is this way about most things- his answers are usually "I don't know" to most questions. We are countries apart and its hard to see each other compared to other LDRs not to mention EXPENSIVE!)

 

I feel like I want this to work and he does as well, but I do not understand why I feel more pain from being apart than he does/or shows and why I take communication more seriously than he does. I feel like I want to communicate and bond with him more than he does.

 

Maybe I am too scientific in my expectations of the relationship and I analyze what he does or doesn't do or say as a reflection of how he feels. Also I wonder if me wanting to do the things suggested on LDR sites is me trying to ensure that we have a "conventionally" defined successful LDR. I understand that everyone is different and I was perfectly comfortable with our communication until his last visit where I feel more like I miss him terribly and want to talk to him all the time.

 

I have tons of other activities and I am pretty active daily (too much so at times) but yet I feel like I make an effort to give him time (currently he literally has nothing to do and all day to do it) and he still doesn't show as much attention as would be expected.

 

I guess I am wondering if this is really just a reflection of his personality like I described before and he is just comfortable with how we are in the relationship and our level of communication or if he may be disinterested and is staying in the relationship just because?

 

He does indeed express his affections sometimes and they have not completely disappeared so, could it just be that I expect more from him than necessary and I need to tone down my expectations?

 

Help please! I am going crazy with missing him and our communication is making me feel like eventually I'm going to end it!

[justwhoiam]

Your post is quite interesting, because I have been thinking of opening a thread regarding apps for LDRs in the past few days. I don't use any besides Skype, and I'm not sure if I'd want to have another app for us. But if I do start using one, it's not to fit in, but simply to manage daily stuff better. Some have a countdown feature, a calendar for our special days/events, not to miss anything. Or other silly features.

 

Anyway, here's my theory. I think men in general can't be bothered with labeling relationships, getting apps for romance, etc.

If they do such things, it's because they either want to make the one they love happy, or they want things to run as smoothly as possible (avoid the drama), or they want to avoid getting to the worse consequence of breaking up because they were lazy jerks and they didn't want to be in the first place. When they really care about a woman, they want her happy. You know, like: I'm happy if you're happy. But - on the other hand - doing the right thing involves effort. And they're not really into making the effort, unless it's really required. I mean why making an effort when you can go on without it? I'm not sure if you're following my reasoning, but that's what I think.

 

As a woman, I don't want him to do anything as if it were an effort, because I think: nothing's an effort to me, so why should it be to him? If it's an effort, then that means we don't feel the same............

Bottom line: men and women are different. There's no beating around the bush. They are different and usually approach issues in different ways. Their approach is different, their reasoning is different, their way to show love & affection can be different. So the differences are partly due to personality and partly due to gender.

 

What to do is up to you... First of all: how often do you meet him?

Secondly, give him time to have ideas for the two of you. Don't take his opportunity to be the man in the couple away from him. If he's really doing nothing for the both of you and not willing to do anything either, start detaching yourself a bit. Maybe he gets the hint. Next time you're together, you need to have a serious talk about this all. And see how serious he is about you. If you're just a fling or what.

Edited October 12, 2014 by justwhoiam

[beandel]

Thank you.

 

I've also entertained the thought that perhaps he just is less outward with his affections than I am.

 

We have recently started, roughly 7 months now and 2 months + as an official couple. We have decided to try to keep it to a maximum of approx 2 months(give or take two weeks (i.e.max 2months 2 weeks) between which we see each other.

 

So far that has been good- he left last week and I am planning to visit him in December (it may be a surprise though so his current expectations are for February next year).

 

I would indeed like to step back and I have done so before- at which time he seems to straighten up- but I also think in a similar way to what you said in that I do not want to feel that I have to pull away for him to act like he cares. He should want to all the time.

 

Now I cannot say that he doesn't do anything at all and he has in the past expressed great affection for me and has also done sweet things as it pertains to us. This is the reason why I second guess myself and wonder if I just expect to much and need to relax. I do not want to take away his chance to assert his affections by bombarding him with my ideas and wishes. I've send him gifts and funny things in the mail which he thought were adorable and he seemed to like and in turn he ended up doing something similar, however, I am at least 70% sure it was because my doing similar things prompted him to do the same. I also feel like I shouldn't be thinking that way. His personality is not like mine and he even expressed that he wished he was as thoughtful as me.

 

I also feel as though him communicating all the time is an expression of him wanting to be in the relationship so that when I do not hear from him, I automatically feel that he no longer wants this LDR which pushes me to ask more and more questions and suggest more and more things to become closer. He communicates every day and I have never had to complain about him choosing not to communicate with me for even more than a day. That has never happened, even now when I am not so happy with the communication.

 

In terms of his seriousness- I definitely do not think he thinks its a fling- he has mentioned and we've discussed on countless occasions up to last week when we were together in person, our future, where we may end up, children, closing the gap and so on. He always seemed comfortable and like I said was readily serious as long as that's what we were doing at the time .

 

I suppose my issue is really just me wondering whether or not I am looking too much into his behavior and like you said he is just simply being a guy who cannot express his affection like a woman does or if there can possibly be something more to it?

If it is pretty normal and he is simply being a guy then I need help in figuring out when to lay off and let things be as I do not want to bombard him all the time with my insecurities about our relationship and so on.

[justwhoiam]

I hear you. The fact is that your needs are as important as his needs. So it's not a matter of leaving him alone because you're insecure or not to ruin the relationship. He should do things, because it takes two to keep a relationship going. More so when it's a LDR.

 

If you repress it for months, it can explode and get out of hand in no time. You can get it back on its feet, or it can lead to one of the two (or both) giving up. He needs to understand that if he keeps taking it lightly, it will turn against him like a boomerang.

[HeavenOrHell]

Some men are far less expressive than other men, this was a problem for me in my LDR, as it can make them seem like they don't care.

[beandel]

Thats what I'm most afraid of. I've mentioned this to him twice before and he has been very receptive to what I have to say and the second time I did I've seen him make a conscious effort to be more attentive and sensitive to my needs in terms of communication.

Before he left as well I asked him if he could continue what he had been doing since I last brought it up and he laughed and was really light hearted about it. He opened up and expressed he wants to make me happy and so on. He also mentioned just sometimes he doesn't know hes not being as attentive as he should and also some days he is just generally less talkative than others. He just says some days he doesn't have a lot to say.

 

Based on my personality this is difficult to understand but I have to try so that I do not go crazy trying to make him talk to me all the time. I understand people may need their space as well and I do not want to bombard him.

 

That being said I just want there to be a middle ground where I know how to let up and he knows to try more.

The last time we spoke and I got angry when I asked him to try the LDR tip thing just spiraled me into thoughts of him not being interested in the relationship even though he tried to be serious after.

 

I do not want to keep being negative and saying things to make him feel like he is not trying hard enough as I fear that will run him away. But I also do not want to continue the way I am feeling.

 

I do not know if I just need to let this go and see how it is over time but it is already affecting the way I interact with him and I do not want him to feel that I either push him away or am angry with him - just two moods and I am never normal or happy.

 

I do not know what to do!