clou Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 A coworker has recently asked me out. We're both single and have known each other in a professional capacity for a few years. We would never be in the position of one of us managing the other (different teams), and neither would go running to HR if it didn't work out, which I gather from a lot of googling are the two main concerns of dating in the workplace. I've never dated a coworker or even considered it before - I don't know how to handle this. It just seems like there are a lot of ground rules which need to be in place - and won't that kill the fun of a new relationship? Anyone actually dated a coworker and not had it end in disaster? Did you keep it secret? Would love to hear from anyone who's managed to successfully date within the workplace. clou x
ThorntonMelon Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 Bad move. Will change your world if you do it. 1
oberkeat Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) My best friend actually married his co-worker, though they worked in separate areas of the building most of the time. I personally think much of the risk depends on how closely you work together. If it's a situation where your offices are directly next to each other and or work requires the two of you to interact daily, to me, it wouldn't be worth the potential consequences (such as the awkwardness of continuing to see each other after one person gets dumped.) Edited October 12, 2014 by oberkeat
Raena Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 It depends, do you work together daily? Or are you in different departments and rarely come across each other... The reason I ask is because if things do not work out for you two, do you really want to have to continue to deal with this person professionally? Imagine the pain and heartbreak of a worst case scenario break up between you two... would you want to see this person daily after that? Or... imagine that you are the one that feels like things aren't working out and end the relationship... do you really want to have to see this person daily after that? Workplace relationships can work I suppose, I had one that worked great for 3 months and we remained friendly afterwards and are still friendly when we come across each other. But we don't work in the same building anymore and we weren't in the same department so we didn't see each other often while at work. I had another situation though where I befriended a guy from work, he developed feelings for me, took advantage of me one night while I was highly intoxicated and then stalked me for months afterwards at work. It was very, very uncomfortable. I learned after that, that you don't "**** where you eat" so to speak. It's more than likely not going to work out well.
Author clou Posted October 12, 2014 Author Posted October 12, 2014 Thanks for the replies. Well, bad move was my first thought, but neither of us is stupid (we're both highly-educated white-collar workers) so surely by even bringing this up, he has to be quite into me? You wouldn't risk a lawsuit on a whim, would you? We do work quite closely together in terms of where we sit, but we are not on the same team and do very different hours. There's no rank issue, but we would see each other every day, there's no way around that. We both respect each other professionally - I would never make things awkward for him at work and I know that's reciprocated. It's the personal side that's confusing me - I had never even considered him as potential dating material, but when I think about it, we have more or less been (unintentionally) having an emotional affair for a while. And we are single, and there's no company policy against dating (which surprises me, we have one on everything else). I guess I just don't understand the logistics. With a regular date, you leave work, you meet someone - no one else knows unless you choose to tell them. If you leave work together, you either have to lie (doesn't that imply embarrassment/shame?) or tell everyone (won't that put pressure on us?) and I can't get my head around it. In some ways, I wish he hadn't said anything. Now his feelings are out in the open (well, to me, no one else at work knows), I have to figure out a) how I feel and b) what I want to do about that! clou x PS Really appreciate the time taken to respond to me. My head's all over the place right now and this is helpful.
deathandtaxes Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 OP, love does crazy things to the most level-headed people. And when love backfires, those same people can behave in the most unpredictable ways. That's the risk you face. And even the fact that you do work in close proximity on a daily basis would concern me. 1
Zahara Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 What does "highly educated white collar" have anything to do with the emotional risks of getting involved at work. Don't s*** where you eat. 1
Elle1975 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 It's always a bad idea, but nobody listens. It's not about running to HR, it's about the aftermath of the break up that most likely will follow. Most relationships end, and when it ends and you're stuck working with this person, it blows. If you still give it a go, I'd recommend not sleeping with the guy until you are sure about his feelings and yours. 1
Diezel Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I dated a co-worker "successfully", and I only use quotations because she became my co-worker soon after. That time during which we worked together, ended up being more of a distraction than anything else. And the transition from co-worker to ex was an unusual one. It depends on the frequency with which you see each other. In my case, I saw her at least once per hour, so it was difficult to not want to stop to talk to her. So, in essence, I set a rule in stone. No more co-workers ever. I was lucky, I saw plenty of guys just obsess over a co-worker like crazy.
Author clou Posted October 12, 2014 Author Posted October 12, 2014 The point I was trying to make is that we don't have the kind of jobs where you can walk out easily - takes months of planning to find another at the right level, sometimes more than half a year - so he must have given this some proper thought. And if he's my intellectual equal, I'd like to think he's capable of that thought being more complex than "I like her, why not?" Apologies if I inadvertently caused offence, Zahara. I've seen some threads where people have just quit to get around the awkwardness - neither of us could really do that without negative career repercussions. This is sounding like a worse idea the more I talk about it. He's a really nice guy, as well. After my last relationship, I could do with a nice guy. The whole thing blows... Tempted to jump him away from the office to see if there's a spark. If there isn't, then that could be everything solved... clou x
quidproquo89 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I would just give it a go myself . You could be letting someone special go 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 This is something you need to talk with each other if this doesn't work. Does your employer have a dating policy? How certain are you there will not be a restructure of teams then you to work together? 1
Author clou Posted October 12, 2014 Author Posted October 12, 2014 We have to work together to an extent (we could reduce this without anyone being the wiser), but due to the nature of what we do, we will never be in the same hierarchy, i.e. he'll never manage me, I'll never manage him. That is certain. Definitely no dating policy. There's the usual harassment stuff, but that's it. I've checked all our policy documents! clou x
Poppygoodwill Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I had a bad dating at work experience. I started dating a man with a clear pattern of dating/living with/marrying women he worked with. Every time it broke down and he'd have to continue to work with them afterward. This included me. And the wife he dumped before we started dating. They worked about 20 feet apart in a big open office plan for 18 months after he blindsided her. I don't know how either of them did it without someone being killed. That aside, I'm alarmed by the fact that you've never thought of him as dating material before. Let's be honest, either the spark is there, or it isn't. If you've been buddies until now, but you've never thought of him romantically at all, then I'd say it's doomed to fail on that point. It seems that you're interested only becuase he's declared himself. That's not good enough I think; you need mutual chemistry.
Author clou Posted October 12, 2014 Author Posted October 12, 2014 I've never considered anyone I work with to be dating material because I work with them. Plus this is the only time we've both been single at the same time - I never look at anyone else when I'm in a relationship (no, really) and I never look at others who I know are dating someone else. Call me old-fashioned, but that's really how I operate. I guess you're partially right; the fact he's declared an interest has in itself interested me - I admire his boldness. On an emotional level, we've always been close, but in terms of physical chemistry: I don't know. I have to kiss a guy to figure out if there's something there or not, and I've had very little physical contact with this guy. Hence my half-serious suggestion that maybe I should just jump him to figure out how much chemistry is there! clou x
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 Don't kid yourself that there won't be problems. Your coworkers WILL figure it out, just by looking at how you two interact with each other. That's when the gossip starts. Your supervisor will hear about it, and any supervisor knows, this disrupts productivity. You think this stuff only happens in junior high, you have another thing coming. I have worked for my company for 24 years and I have seen the crazy crap that goes on. Jealousy, tension, distraction, uncomfortable to hostile work environment. The only successful coworker relationships were ones where they either transferred or left for a different job. One thing I have learned, being apart makes the heart grow fonder. Space keeps things fresh, and balanced.But enough with the mom talk, it's all up to you now.
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