The grass is greener syndrome? Or just mean.

[Dante311]

Thank you in advance for reading. I will say, I'm not 100% innocent, but this girl is just mean (and has admitted it).

 

Well... after three years. She finally dumped me for the last time. I'm a glutton for punishment. For anyone who knows my story, i've been dumped approximately 10 times, but then she'll realize how great I am and get back to me. Some of the breakups were justified, but not something worth breaking up over. Most of them, we're ridiculous. One, for example.. I took her out for her birthday... it was a lovely evening. Fancy restaurant. Lovely ambiance. We get home. We're sitting on the sofa. "I don't want to be with you anymore."

 

...I was stunned. I was upset. We bickered. She ended up ripping up pictures of us and told me to get out the next morning. Somehow, I agreed to help her move a week later, and a week after that we were back together.

 

Now before I speak of how this week ended, I should mention I'm in a very demanding field (medicine) and I have a VERY outgoing, quirky personality. She HATES it. She hates going out in public with me. She admitted the day before she dumped me she can be really mean to me, and she's sorry. I let her know it, too. Anyhow, when she goes out to play her team sport (which she recently picked up to be more social)... she hates me being there. And she absolutely hates having me join her. She wants her own social environment - which I totally respected. I was afraid to have female friends because of her though... I have a very flirtatious personality (but I truly mean it's harmless) and she doesn't like it.

 

Anyhow, last time she went out with her sport team, they were out til 2 am and I was waiting to meet up with her. And she had promised to be done by 12a or 1a and come see me so I wasn't out in the cold. It was HER idea, not mine to meet up early.

 

Well, she always goes out late with them. I never question her. One night she came home angry at me and told me I'm boring and she hates being with me.

 

I was HURT. I'm venting this here so I can KEEP NO CONTACT - thank you guys!

 

So that's that history.

 

This week, she met some random guy who keeps asking her for coffee. She told me and asked me if she could get coffee with him. I said if she wants to, and she followed up that it won't be date, right? I said it's up to you. If I did that, you'd be mad. She understood and decided to tell him she has a boyfriend.

 

In the past she's snooped on my facebook. During some of our more difficult times (after she started dumping me on and off) I began speaking with an ex that recalled some of our steamier times. I was WRONG! IT was through facebook, and I WAS wrong. I never stepped out on my girl. She was just emotionally berating, and unsupportive. I wish I were kidding How did I stay with this girl.

 

Anyhow... with that history, this week I was going to meet a friend for drinks and go back and play VIDEO GAMES (yes!)... and she was going to play volleyball and go out for drinks. Well my phone died... she didn't go for drinks.. and I ended up running into a LIFELONG friend whose friend bailed, and needed me. A friend that my NOW ex didn't like. Well I went to be a friend and supportive to my family friend (who is a female). I expected my ex to be out til 1am or 2am.. and my phone was on vibrate in my pocket. So I was waiting for her call. Nothing. My phone was dead. I realized when it was too late.

 

It isn't what the truth is... it's what the perception is. I wasn't with my friend for drinks... I was out with someone else. It was a lie. Not an intentional lie - and something I WAS Going to tell her about. But I lied. And now, I'm not just in the dog house, or up ****'s creek... I'm dead to her. IT's funny because she asked my guy friend.. and he confirmed my story, and said that if it were him in my shoes, he would do the same to be a good friend. But that doesn't matter. :/

 

Oh well. She kicked me out. I'm living in my old apartment with my roommates. And really confused.

 

It's been no contact for 2 days now. It really feels... oddly quiet. I hired a personal trainer. I have a therapist I see regularly. I should take confidence that my friends don't support my relationship with this now ex... and my parents HATE her. I went out last night, instead of doing my work... lol I'm doing my work RIGHT after this. But any advice, or support would be greatly appreciated..

 

Thank you again for reading this, I'm sorry it's so long.

 

I'm under 30, but older and now thinking i'll be alone forever!!!

[Reels]

Your parents don't like her, and you cannot leave your parents?

[zen2475]

I'm sorry, but this girl behaves like a 13 year old. I don't think she has the maturity level to sustain a mutually respectful relationship.

 

 

Personally, I would be glad I was off this roller coaster of a relationship so you can be free to find someone who truly appreciates you and wants to be with you.

[Dante311]

I don't know... I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle. I really miss her, although I know her abuse is toxic.

[Emilia]

Is this your Borderline Personality Disorder ex?

[Dante311]

Is this your Borderline Personality Disorder ex?

 

SADLY... one in the same.

 

And I'm a fool.

[Zahara]

i've been dumped approximately 10 times, but then she'll realize how great I am and get back to me.

 

No, she'll realize the doormat that she missed wiping her feet on, giving her all the attention she needs because a woman that loves you and believes you to be great doesn't treat you like garbage. A woman that sees you as a crutch revisits you because you serve no other purpose but to be used and abused.

 

I hate to be harsh with you Dante, but for christ's sake, if this is your mindset in terms of how a woman should treat you when you're a great partner, you have it all skewed. What does it say about someone that only realizes how great you are EACH time after dumping you, and after dumping you more than 10 times! Do you even see how ridicilous that statement is?

 

I'm under 30, but older and now thinking i'll be alone forever!!!

 

This is the state of your confidence. While it's normal to feel that way after an ending, my god, anything would be better than the abuse you go through. If only you could see it.

Edited October 13, 2014 by Zahara

[Dante311]

Of course you're right. I don't deny any of what you said. Which is probably why I'm not crying my eyes out... More hollow and empty feelings inside. I don't know if I'll hear from her again but it's been four ish days no contact. I need it. I'm gonna drink my tears tonight... I know she'll always love me but I don't care anymore. She's taken too much and given too little. I'm getting out again... Had a date with a girl who also recently ended a relationship and good god we had so much fun. There will always be heartache, but good ****ing God she ie the ex is no good for me. I have a lot of good things going for me.

 

Thank you so much for following and being supportive. If you were near me I'd treat you to lunch or something

 

 

I'm not a bad guy

 

 

No, she'll realize the doormat that she missed wiping her feet on, giving her all the attention she needs because a woman that loves you and believes you to be great doesn't treat you like garbage. A woman that sees you as a crutch revisits you because you serve no other purpose but to be used and abused.

 

I hate to be harsh with you Dante, but for christ's sake, if this is your mindset in terms of how a woman should treat you when you're a great partner, you have it all skewed. What does it say about someone that only realizes how great you are EACH time after dumping you, and after dumping you more than 10 times! Do you even see how ridicilous that statement is?

 

 

 

This is the state of your confidence. While it's normal to feel that way after an ending, my god, anything would be better than the abuse you go through. If only you could see it.

[Zahara]

I know she'll always love me but I don't care anymore.

 

This is what you need to let go of and come to terms that "love" doesn't treat you this way. Just because she keeps coming back, it doesn't signify love but a toxic attachment. A woman that loves you doesn't tell you that you're boring and she hates being with you. Maybe you need to hold on to that because accepting the fact that there was no love leaves you feeling that it was all for naught. It leaves you feeling devalued. And you can't accept that. You must have meant something to her. Don't confuse toxicity with passion. There's nothing loving about the way she treats you.

 

No one said you are bad guy. Emotionally weak and dependent, yes. That's because you've allowed this woman to strip you of your self-esteem and dignity.

 

I don't believe this is the last. At some point she'll contact you again. It's a vicious cycle. And you will likely go back to what was. I say that because you're just existing based on her not communicating with you. I don't see you putting into action -- saying that you will be blocking her, while in pain, determined this time to move forward.

Edited October 13, 2014 by Zahara

[Downtown]

Dante, as Emilia and I discussed with you last April at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/464909-i-swear-my-gf-bipolar-2.html#post5569282, the dysfunctional behaviors you describe are exactly what you can expect if your GF has strong BPD traits. Whereas bipolar disorder usually can be treated quite successfully by simply swallowing a pill, BPD is a thought distortion that is extremely hard to control. It therefore is very unlikely your GF will ever stay in therapy long enough to make a difference in her behavior.

[Dante311]

You all are so right.

 

It's sad, but it's the right thing.

 

I need to focus. Although I initiated it a few days ago .... she reached out today about exchanging food she's going to throw away that I bought... for her coat she left at my place. I kind of just want to mail the coat to her. I don't care anymore. Ugh I do not want to see her anymore. Nor talk to her. It feels good to ignore ignore ignore!!!!!!!

 

NO CONTACT!

 

[Zahara]

Don't get sucked in again. Break the cycle.

[Dante311]

Thank you Zahara. It's hard to break a cycle, something you're so used to and strangely comfortable with. I don't know why I was so infatuated, but as I've stated... it feels SO good to ignore her. And, at the very same time I want to give in an speak to her. I miss that connection with her, even if it were toxic. I don't know how to explain it. I'm sure many of you 'get it', and have 'been there'. And I'm sure, once I get to your point in time (relative to distance in time from the relationship), I will 'get it' too.

 

I cannot thank you guys enough for the support and words of comfort.

 

 

Here's to hoping she isn't truly as cold as she's coming across, and we both move on without speaking to one another ever again. Three years with this toxic pattern, I find it difficult to truly believe there won't be another attempt of getting back together.

[Zahara]

Thank you Zahara. It's hard to break a cycle, something you're so used to and strangely comfortable with.

 

It's similar to a drug addiction. You know it's bad for you but you still desire it. The only way to break it is to emotionally detox. And that means NC -- breaking the attachment and addiction.

 

I don't know why I was so infatuated, but as I've stated... it feels SO good to ignore her. And, at the very same time I want to give in an speak to her. I miss that connection with her, even if it were toxic. I don't know how to explain it. I'm sure many of you 'get it', and have 'been there'. And I'm sure, once I get to your point in time (relative to distance in time from the relationship), I will 'get it' too.

 

It's all normal. You will want what you want even if it's bad for you because it's all you know and you've attached yourself, whether it was loving or toxic -- a bond was created. I've been there too -- in absolutely horrible relationships until I had to take a stand and detaching while painful, the long term rewards -- emotional freedom was so worth it because at that point I couldn't imagine what the heck was wrong with me that I allowed myself to be used and abused. You'll get there but you have to give yourself a fighting chance.

 

Here's to hoping she isn't truly as cold as she's coming across, and we both move on without speaking to one another ever again. Three years with this toxic pattern, I find it difficult to truly believe there won't be another attempt of getting back together.

 

Yes, she will be back. And I do hope you stay away, Dante. You have so much going for you. Don't let this one person dictate where you go from here.

[Dante311]

SHE WANTS TO KEEP TALKING AND HANGING OUT AS FRIENDS

 

She doesn't want to lose me, but doens't want to get back together as bf/gf right now..

 

I know what I NEED to do, and what I should do....

 

ugh

 

but I am having trouble doing so..

 

 

I keep thinking to myself perhaps if we do, she'll fall in love with me again and we'll get back together.

[Zahara]

SHE WANTS TO KEEP TALKING AND HANGING OUT AS FRIENDS

 

Of course. You have been a source of support and a crutch for her. She was never your friend. A friend doesn't emotionally and mentally abuse another. And why are you still accessible to her?

 

She doesn't want to lose me, but doens't want to get back together as bf/gf right now..

 

You can't be "friends" with someone that you are emotional about. So in your case, since you are attached and she isn't, it will not work for you. You will end up hurt and in pain again.

 

I know what I NEED to do, and what I should do....

 

Then do it. Break the cycle.

 

but I am having trouble doing so..

 

It's hard to do but it has to be done. The alternative is you getting into another cycle of abuse. Which would you rather -- going back the crap that you've been enduring -- BECAUSE NOTHING CHANGES, SHE DOESN'T CHANGE, THE SITUATION DOESN'T CHANGE or taking a chance and doing something different for once?

 

I keep thinking to myself perhaps if we do, she'll fall in love with me again and we'll get back together.

 

OMG. Get back together? Get back together so that you can be treated like something under her shoe? Get back together so that she can "love" you and spit on you at the same time?

 

Think Dante. Please. Stop sitting in an emotional bubble. Step out of it and think. In what warped world does "love" look like what you have experienced?

[Emilia]

I think OP that you will remain trapped until she shuts you out forever.

 

I feel so free after conquering this. I cut contact with my ex in January and haven't heard from him since. I hope you will experience this relief.