CrazyCat17 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 Is he being serious about our relationship or am I just for fun? Hi Everyone - I've been unsure about a lot of things, and I hope I can sort out my thoughts through 3rd person perspective (you!). So thank you in advance for reading my issues. I've been seeing this guy for over a year now, we were first friends, but then progressed into something more intimate and special. At first we used to see each other every week, but then he had to take on more priorities at work, and he got an infection in his stomach that makes him feel sick once in a while (still on medication) so he became busy/unavailable most of the time. We live about a 30-40 minute drive away from each other (without traffic), so its not like we can see each other everyday. I am jealous when he hangs out with his buddies a lot more than he does with me (they live close), or he goes out to eat with a friend that is a "girl." I don't pick at him for specifics, and he does bring it up himself in conversation, so its not like he's hiding that he went somewhere with a friend that was a female. I see him on average, every 3 weeks now. Yesterday I went over and he took me out to lunch, pick out some pumpkins to carve, and spent some time together. He did tell me that his friend (guy) had to come over later with some help on homework that was due that evening... so I was kinda disappointed that I wasn't going to have a whole day with him. We did all go out to dinner with him, his friend, his brother and gf (although it was quite awkward since I don't the others well). My guy was a lot more talkative out than he is with me, and he told stories that he hasn't even shared to me. So it was kinda weird that I was hearing some things for the first time. Not like he has to tell me every single thing that happens, but I felt kinda down. Three weeks before then, I confessed how I didn't feel like a priority to him, and that if he didn't wanted to hang out anymore I understand. He then made some time to come stay over for the night, but had to leave earlier than anticipated the afternoon to go help his mom. I would like to see him each week. Is that too much (for a 30-40 min drive distance)? Also to go on a "real" date maybe once a month? Go to the Zoo, the beach/pier, concert, or an amusement park... We only go on dinner/movie dates... Or just dinner. I feel that I'm ready to be more serious in our relationship, but he doesn't seem to invest more time into "us" that I'm worried that I'm just wasting my time and he only hangs around for fun if there isn't anything better to do. I don't feel used, he pays for things when we go out, text everyday, sends me pictures, and hasn't ever said anything that offended me. Am I being too needy? How should I go forward with this relationship?
MrNate 2.0 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I'll be honest with you. If he was really that interested, he'd show it. You would be a daily thing rather than a once every three weeks thing. 3
Dork Vader Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 He's not that interested. When a guy first starts dating a woman he might be busy or have things come up. When I like a woman NOTHING will come between me and seeing her. I might occasionally have things come up, but for the most part she is my priority. What free time I have is hers. Now i don't have to budget gas so 40 miles doesn't matter to me but even still.. If I was broke I wouldn't be going out w/ other people. All of my cash would go towards HER and seeing her. You need to tell him to step it up or set you free, or you can simply move on. 7
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I have to agree with the others....if you did mean that much to him he would make you his first priority. I hate sounding like a mom but, if you want to find a man that makes you his priority, you keep your legs closed until he proves to you that he is committed to you. And that means taking you out on proper dates, treating you like a lady, giving you full attention, expressing verbally that he wants a committed relationship, making it official. When you just "hangout" do "sleep overs" all you are is friends with benefits. He is keeping his options open, that is why he is keeps you around by giving you bread crumbs. I think you already have your answer. I don't think confrontation, asking him to step up is going to make any difference. 3
BluEyeL Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I'm seeing someone who lives 40 min away and he sees me three times a week and says it's not enough. When I visit him, he drives 40 min to my house, picks me up and drives me back then drives back home. He says it's because he wants to spend the extra driving time with me. Your guy is not seriously interested in you and he's feeding you crumbs. I dated a guy who made time for me every two weeks. I let him go after two months and no progress and you should let this guy go too and find someone who is really into you. 4
Author CrazyCat17 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Posted October 12, 2014 Thank you everyone for you advice. It seems obvious from each of you that I'm not that important enough for him to take at a minimum a few hours a week to eat dinner with me. I asked him, and it doesn't seem like he is even trying. So I'm going to stop chasing, and if he even realized what he lost. That super jerk :/ I do feel sad about it tho... 1
Arieswoman Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 Crazycat, I'm sad for you as well but there is an adage that says you should use "rejection" as "redirection" (to something better). Good luck x 5
Assasda Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 OP is needy. The guy has his own life. Youre a part of it. What seriousness do you need? He texts/talk to you everyday, he works and he's been sick. Have you ever considered coming to see him? Hahaha congratulations on calling in a jerk for no reason though. You should tell him that you felt that way, when you try to get back with him
Ami1uwant Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I'm defending him here..... Dnt know what your work schedules are...does he work day shift and you work evening shift? How much is he going to your place vs you going yo him? If he has to drive over to your place at rush hour not gettng there till 6:30 or 7 and he needs to be in bed at 10 means he doesn't have much time with you. Can you guys meet in the middle? If he always has to go to you then it likely wears on him. As for the conversation and him not sharing stories...he wasn't hiding anything from you. In your conversation this story never came up in conversation.
Assasda Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I'm defending him here..... Dnt know what your work schedules are...does he work day shift and you work evening shift? How much is he going to your place vs you going yo him? If he has to drive over to your place at rush hour not gettng there till 6:30 or 7 and he needs to be in bed at 10 means he doesn't have much time with you. Can you guys meet in the middle? If he always has to go to you then it likely wears on him. As for the conversation and him not sharing stories...he wasn't hiding anything from you. In your conversation this story never came up in conversation. The thing is OP is super needy. - insecurity She felt bad that the guy has stories that he tells other people, but she doesnt know about them (Get outta here!) - And upset that he had to leave her and go do homework OP you are not his mother. I feel safe to say, that I think this is the OPs first real relationship, but the neediness could kill this & future relationships
Author CrazyCat17 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Posted October 12, 2014 This past time I drove out to see him, and the previous time he drove to see me. We do our fair share of driving to see each other. I'm self-employed so I work on my own schedule. He works 10-6pm Mon-Thurs and Fri-Sat off. I do understand "Ami1uwant" and there is a lot of traffic during rush hour which sucks. He needs time to spend with all his friends and family, but isn't a gf a #1 priority? In my situation what is reasonable? I thought dinner once a week would be doable. I appreciate all your opinions, just want to receive advise of if it sounds okay to only meet every 3 weeks if we're bf/gf. Some of you are staying forget about him, others say to give him s break and not be needy. This isn't my first real relationship. Maybe my last relationship, my guy was always 110% with me that I'm over thinking it with him? More advise is appreciated. I do feel crummy to be told that there wasn't much time for me... How do you guys work out your schedules if you don't love together? Thanks.
Author CrazyCat17 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Posted October 12, 2014 The thing is OP is super needy. - insecurity She felt bad that the guy has stories that he tells other people, but she doesnt know about them (Get outta here!) - And upset that he had to leave her and go do homework OP you are not his mother. I feel safe to say, that I think this is the OPs first real relationship, but the neediness could kill this & future relationships A week before I drove over, I gave him the option of Friday/Saturday to spend time together and carve some pumpkins for the season. He picked Friday, but told me his friend was going to come over because *his friend* didn't understand his homework and wanted help. My guy isn't even in school, he graduated with a bachelors in computer science and his friend wanted programming help. It's like... Wow, there was no other day or other resource to help? That's my initial impression. Isn't that natural?
Zahara Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) Seems like he always has a back-up excuse when he has to spend time with you. Bad enough you get so little time together, then he takes away from that by helping his mother, father, friends, etc. Sounds like an escape plan to me. A year together. 30 minutes away. Once every three weeks. I'm sorry that doesn't sound like someone that's invested in the relationship. The distance is nothing. My gf dates a guy that lives an hour away. They spend every weekend together and at least see each other once during the week. When someone is invested in you, they want to be around you. I have to wonder if he sees you, has his fun, makes an excuse that he has to leave -- the cycle continues. Edited October 12, 2014 by Zahara 4
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 40km is nothing, I drive 50km each morning to go to work, and another 50 to come back at night. OP sounds like this relationship has expired. Does it really matter why he's only seeing you every 3 weeks? No. Bottom line is you are not happy in this relationship. I wouldn't be either. You want a man in your life, not on text. After a year, at your age, he should be able to give a bigger and better commitment. I would be wary of a man that has so little needs to kiss me and touch me. 4
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 Here's the evidence as I see it: - You only see him once every three weeks. - He will go out of his way to help his friends, but not you. - You don't know a lot about his personal life. - He's a different person when he's around his friends. - He only takes you to dinner or a movie. - He provides you just enough affection to keep you on the line, then leaves. This is not a man who is interested. He may not be a bad guy, but he's not particularly interested in you. My guess is that he feels like there aren't any other romantic options in his life and he's too tired/busy/whatever to pursue someone else. This may be all he wants right now. He clearly sees no need to change. It sounds like you really care for him. If you continue this it will drift along, unhappily and aimlessly, until Ms. Perfect waltzes into his life and you'll be dropped like you never existed. Spare yourself that agony. Find a man who will text you kissy-faces and who misses you after two days. 4
BluEyeL Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 He has the relationship he wants. Low expectations, low effort. In turn, you don't have the relationship you want. You deserve to be with someone who sees you more than once every three weeks after 1 year together. A man who can stand not to see you for three weeks simply cannot be too into you. Move on, find someone. It's a numbers game. If a guy is not seeing you at least once a week and doesn't advance the relationship after a few months should be promptly kicked to the curb. Doesn't matter what his reasons are, if he can't give you his time, he's not good enough for you. A relationship needs balance and progress. A woman has to be given attention and affection to be kept in a man's life. The number one reason women remain single is that they stay in unfulfilling situations like this and allow themselves to be strung along and have their time wasted. Start looking and be patient, throw back men who don't give you what you want and keep searching until you hit gold. It's going to happen, trust me. 4
Mrin Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I think you are getting some good advice above. I'll just add - I live 4 HOURS away from my GF and we see each other every other week if not more. If she were 30/40 mins away? We'd be together every night. 2
Author CrazyCat17 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 So my best bet is to break off all contact with him? Or is staying purely friends (no strings attached) will be okay? There has been no form of contact for almost 24 hours - is he giving me space or should I approach him to clear everything up and hear each other out? It feels awkward right now. I'd like to feel some closure.
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