yellow_sun Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 I posted a little while back about a fling I had with a guy who's living in another city. You can read about it here. We've chatted a few times on whatsapp since I posted that thread and it turns out he's coming back this week for 5 days. He asked me if he could stay at my place the first night and I said yes. At first I was happy, but now I'm really not sure how I feel about seeing him again. Although I can't really see myself being in a relationship with him, and I definitely don't want to get myself into an LDR, I do like him. What we had when he was here was unlike anything I've ever had before. It was definitely based on sex, but there was an undeniable, very intimate bond as well. I felt like I could tell him anything and I did share quite a lot with him - more than he shared with me, although he was also quite open - and I felt (and he has also said) that he has a lot of respect for me. That sort of situation feels dangerous to me. I feel like I can very easily fall for him and get hurt in the end because he's so damn nice to me and I still don't know if I should take all his compliments with a grain of salt or not. So, on the one hand I'm thinking about how happy I'd be to see him and how I'd like to be really warm and affectionate with him, and on the other I'm thinking I should maybe just be cold and distant and basically have a ONS with him since he can only stay at my place for one night anyway (due to complicated circumstances having to do with my living arrangement). I don't really know what to do in this situation or how to feel.
SawtoothMars Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 I posted a little while back about a fling I had with a guy who's living in another city. You can read about it here. We've chatted a few times on whatsapp since I posted that thread and it turns out he's coming back this week for 5 days. He asked me if he could stay at my place the first night and I said yes. I don't really know what to do in this situation or how to feel. Do not overthink this. Just let it be whatever it is. You don't have to call it anything... just enjoy your time with him and maybe you both will someday want more. My philosophy is this: "never pass up something great because you think there might be something better later".
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 From reading both of your threads, it appears that you have feelings for this guy. I also think you moved too fast, with the seeing each other for five days straight, sleeping together straight away, etc. If all you wanted was just the sex then I'd say go for it, but for you it had the potential to be so much more (you're trying to stop yourself from falling for him) and I guess you're worried you're going to end up hurt. Given that you do actually like him (he seems like a bit of a player tbh, showering you with SO much attention and loving feelings so quickly), I would refrain from allowing him to sleep at yours when he's back. If you want to pursue things then go out together, have fun, scale it back so it isn't all based on sex. I wouldn't let him sleep over because it sends out a strong signal that you're okay with the relationship being based primarily on sex. You see one another all intense, he goes back home, he's returning and clearly feels comfortable enough to ask you outright if he can stay at your house (and therefore have sex with you). But he isn't your boyfriend so I'm surprised that he's forward enough to ask that. This points towards him thinking that it's based on sex. So yes, when he's back there's nothing wrong with seeing him, but I would make it clear that he won't be sleeping over. Personally when I start seeing someone I really like I don't get into the sleepovers until we're exclusive/together because there's so much intimacy involved in seeing one another so vulnerable, the feeling of falling asleep in someone's arms, letting somebody into your bedtime and morning routine... for me it's so much more intimate than sex. But hey... it doesn't sound like this has the potential to turn into anything worthwhile given that a) it's LDR and b) you haven't really spoken much since he's been away. If it was going to turn into a relationship you'd have been on the phone often, talking, planning the next trip, missing one another. So do you really truly want to pick at the scab and see him, only for it to hurt again when he goes away? Find a great guy in your town who'd be thrilled to be able to go out with you, spend time with you, and eventually call you his girlfriend. This guy is probably just going to hurt. I don't think the options are a) be cold and distant and treat it as a ONS (impossible as you DO have feelings, whatever you want to tell yourself) or b) be affectionate and close. I honestly think, from experience, that option c) is by far the best: don't see him, or if you DO see him, keep it light and go out for a coffee for an hour or two. Whether or not he's eager and up for meeting you outside of the bedroom and spending time talking to you instead of having sex will tell you all you need to know about where this is or isn't going and what your subsequent actions should be. I've had guys so excited and determined to spend time with me they've driven an hour just to have coffee before work at 8am for half an hour. I would absolutely do the same if I was really into a guy and couldn't see him any other time or way. Hold out for that, don't let yourself be used for sex by somebody you can't eradicate your feelings for. 1
Author yellow_sun Posted October 11, 2014 Author Posted October 11, 2014 you moved too fast, with the seeing each other for five days straight, sleeping together straight away, etc. Initially, he was meant to be a ONS. I met up with him with only one thing in mind. He was the one that contacted me and pursued me and turned it into a five day long affair after we met, and honestly, it wasn't until the third day that I started opening up to him. If you want to pursue things then go out together, have fun, scale it back so it isn't all based on sex. I wouldn't let him sleep over because it sends out a strong signal that you're okay with the relationship being based primarily on sex. You see one another all intense, he goes back home, he's returning and clearly feels comfortable enough to ask you outright if he can stay at your house (and therefore have sex with you). But he isn't your boyfriend so I'm surprised that he's forward enough to ask that. This points towards him thinking that it's based on sex. Actually, he didn't flat out ask if he could stay at my place. He asked if we could get a tea together. Two days later when we were chatting again, we discussed our "relationship" and he wanted to know what I want. The problem is, what I have with him is more or less what I want, minus the distance. I want a casual relationship with no strings attached, as well as intimacy, warmth, respect and great sex. We're both on the same page about what we have. It is based on sex, and we're both ok with that. Or I had been ok with that. I was the one trying to keep things sexual and avoid the romantic stuff that he kept bringing to the table. Anyway, it wasn't until after that discussion that he asked, very politely, if he could stay at my place on Wednesday night. But hey... it doesn't sound like this has the potential to turn into anything worthwhile given that a) it's LDR and b) you haven't really spoken much since he's been away. If it was going to turn into a relationship you'd have been on the phone often, talking, planning the next trip, missing one another. So do you really truly want to pick at the scab and see him, only for it to hurt again when he goes away? I have missed him, and he has said once that he misses me, but we're both intentionally trying to keep things casual because we're both not ready to be in a relationship. And he's told me that he has someone where he lives that he's close to, but nothing is going to happen for that reason. We both got out of relationships within the last 4 months. I've had guys so excited and determined to spend time with me they've driven an hour just to have coffee before work at 8am for half an hour. I would absolutely do the same if I was really into a guy and couldn't see him any other time or way. Hold out for that, don't let yourself be used for sex by somebody you can't eradicate your feelings for. But that's the thing. I kind of think I'm part of the reason he's coming back so soon. He told me before he left that he wanted to move back, and I was part of the reason why. Which I found strange and kind of scared me a bit, to be honest. I really think part of the reason we haven't been in touch more is because he doesn't want either of us to get hurt. We had a very distant goodbye the last time because he thought it was best for both of us that it wasn't drawn out and passionate. He's very sensitive and emotionally intelligent/aware and I believed him when he said that he respects me too much to play me and thus hurt me. I think he senses that I'm developing feelings and is being distant for my benefit somehow.. If that makes sense.
Author yellow_sun Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 He's coming tomorrow and I still don't know what to do. I did develop feelings for him and I have no choice but to see him. I want to, though. Should I be honest with him and tell him that I'm developing feelings for him and that we maybe shouldn't do this anymore if he's not interested in anything more than an intimate FWB situation?
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 I did develop feelings for him and I have no choice but to see him. I want to, though. Should I be honest with him and tell him that I'm developing feelings for him and that we maybe shouldn't do this anymore if he's not interested in anything more than an intimate FWB situation? Yes, totally. It will make you feel better knowing where you stand. I would have respect for somebody who came out and said 'I'm starting to develop feelings, so I don't want to continue this any longer unless you feel the same'. Bear in mind he may just say the right thing because either he wants the sex to continue, or because he's afraid to let you down and hurt you. But if he means it, his actions following the discussion will tell you what you need to know: is he taking you out? Calling and texting you regularly? Planning stuff? PS, why do you HAVE to see him?
Author yellow_sun Posted October 13, 2014 Author Posted October 13, 2014 I have to see him because I already told him he could stay at mine the night he arrives, after he very politely asked. The first time around, he called and/or texted me every day, took me out to dinner twice, took me to the movies, took me out to breakfast, took me on walks, invited me to have dinner with him and his friends (I declined)... Do players do that stuff?
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