stars989 Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 I just wanted to know if I was right about this situation...your thoughts are appreciated. It is a guy that I met through tinder. For about 2 weeks we were texting back and forth and he was very inconsistent. Sometimes he wouldn't reply at all...and then would come back with an excuse that he had been crazy busy etc. One time he had asked me to meet up later that night. When I had asked him where, he didn't respond. So I texted him and told him I was going to go out and to have a good night. He later called me at 12:00am, I didn't answer but I replied in text asking him what was up. He never replied. I tried to talk to him over the next few days but he didn't reply, so I just gave up and texted him that I wished him all the best. Three days later he responded and said that he had just been super busy, and that he wanted to still talk. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because we hadn't met yet. He wanted to Skype, we did for about 2 hrs. He wanted to take things super sexual, but I refused and he understood and said he just feld carried away. He kept saying how there was a connection etc. He said we should meet on Friday, I said ok. I didn't hear from him so I contacted him asking him if we were still hanging out, no response, I sent a follow up text, no response. At 10:30pm he texted me and said he was free now. I responded by telling him that I was already out and we can meet up the next day. We met up Saturday night, and we ended up having sex. I didn't mean for this to happen, and he is only the 2nd person I've ever had sex with. I thought it would be fine because we had so much in common, and the conversation and connection was amazing. He spent the night, and said that we would hang out again, hugged and kissed me before he left in the morning. For the whole entire day I didn't hear anything from him, so I just nonchalantly asked him if this was a one time thing or if he wanted to meet up again. He didn't reply, I sent a follow up text, no reply. The next morning he texted me saying that he "dropped his phone" and he was sorry for the late reply, he wanted to get to know me better and to see me more. I felt like he was playing games so I said that we should just end things now, and I wished him well. A couple of days later I felt like that was too harsh, and suggested we talked. He said that he understood why I ended it, and that he was sorry and available now. He said he was a good guy, and wouldn't play with my feelings, and that he was interested to see where this went. He said we could meet up on the weekend, and stay in touch until then (It was Tuesday) I believed him. However throughout the week, he didn't text or call. And when I texted him on Wednesday he texted back, but then responded to my last question the next day. Friday came, no word/plans from him he was supposed to see me after his cousin's birthday, but didn't say what day. I have decided to just end it. He can't be interested in me right? He's not trying to talk to me, call me, text me, ask me questions about myself....but its only been a week since we have met in person. Thoughts??? Am I overreacting?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 He doesn't want anything serious with you. I'm not sure how you interpreted a great connection when he was out of touch so much and ignoring your texts. Seems he's looking for sex when it's convenient for him, and that's about it. Stop texting him. If you're looking for a boyfriend, this guy isn't it. Tinder generally isn't an ideal place to meet relationship-minded people. 5
CarrieT Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 You bonded too early with someone you didn't really know who used you for sex only. Your early "connection" was wishful thinking as you hadn't even really met him yet. You didn't know him well before you had sex and now you are seeing his true colors. Time to move and learn from the experience. Tinder is a hook-up app and you are going to get players -- and be seen as a good-time girl -- if you continue to use it for meeting guys. Lesson learned: Hold out on the sex until you have known someone for a good while and there is a REAL connection and relationship. 3
Author stars989 Posted October 11, 2014 Author Posted October 11, 2014 (edited) I don't think I've ever felt this bad before. I've been so careful with sex, and I honestly don't know why I let this happened. I really was done with him, but when we talked, he just sounded so sincere. He said it wasn't about sex and he wanted to see where things went with me, and that he was sorry for being so unavailable and that wasn't the kind of guy he was. We talked at length about how hurtful it is to string people on and how important it is to just be honest about level of interest. I had felt so relieved after talking to him, because I really felt I had made such a horrible decision having sex with him. And now its even more disappointing to me because I believed him. He clearly lied about everything he said, because his actions never followed up with his words after our talk. I just don't understand why guys would do that. I'll never understand. So I guess I didn't overreact? Edited October 11, 2014 by stars989
Gloria25 Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 I think I learned recently on here that Tinder is a hook-up site....
HappyLove Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 He showed you several times before you even met that he was no good. You shouldn't have accepted the way he treated you. Just chalk this up to experience and learn that ACTIONS are very important. He had a ton of red flags. Sex should be with someone who isn't going to use you like this. Just learn from this, we've all been there wanting to give someone the benefit of the doubt and believe their lies....it never works. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 I don't think I've ever felt this bad before. I've been so careful with sex, and I honestly don't know why I let this happened. I really was done with him, but when we talked, he just sounded so sincere. He said it wasn't about sex and he wanted to see where things went with me, and that he was sorry for being so unavailable and that wasn't the kind of guy he was. We talked at length about how hurtful it is to string people on and how important it is to just be honest about level of interest. I had felt so relieved after talking to him, because I really felt I had made such a horrible decision having sex with him. And now its even more disappointing to me because I believed him. He clearly lied about everything he said, because his actions never followed up with his words after our talk. I just don't understand why guys would do that. I'll never understand. Oh honey, I'm sorry you feel so terrible. It is a horrible, horrible feeling to be caught out and fall for somebody and then realise afterwards, when it's too late to undo the intimacy, that they were just playing you to get you into bed. I promise you that many of us here have been there. I know I have. I am guessing you're not particularly old, given that it's only your second sexual partner; that makes it all the worse because a) sex is still something that is probably special and sacred to you right now and b) you don't have the life experience yet of remembering when it last happened or knowing that it gets better and you'll get past it. I am trying not to judge the guy because I don't know him but I would guess from the things he said (going on about a connection, but then having sex and barely putting any effort in at all to see you again) that he does this to women a lot and knows all of the right things to say to get people into bed. Especially inexperienced people. This isn't to say that it's all his doing, you obviously made the decision to sleep with him too, but sometimes there is a power imbalance when one party is much more experienced than the other and people get carried away, before you know it you've decided to take a shot because you're hopeful it may all work out and when it doesn't it hurts! In the future you will have learnt a lot about how to handle meeting men, intimacy, and words/actions. In the future you will know that you need to base your assessment of the situation on a man's actions, not his words. It's a cliche but I truly believe the book 'he's just not that into you' is a great read for inexperienced women new to the dating game. If he isn't taking you on dates, calling you, or messaging you, he's not that interested. He did the bare minimum necessary to get you into bed and then that was that from his end. Lame excuses like 'I dropped my phone' don't wash when people have so many other methods of communication. A guy who was genuinely into you would have found another way to get the message to you that his phone was broken, it's just an excuse. Try to stop thinking the best of guys you're dating and take a slightly more cynical view, which usually reflects the situation far more accurately. Telling you that he wanted to see where things went, and he was sorry for being unavailable, and that it wasn't just about sex are all empty meaningless soundbites that do not mean one jot unless he's taking you out on dates, spending time with you, calling or texting you and putting in the effort (which you should also be reciprocating). You didn't know that, you do know that now. Guys do it (and some women) because they like cheap, easy sex with a variety of people and feel the best way to achieve that is being deceptive. Unfortunately usually most people suss them out but it sounds like you're not quite at a place yet where you were able to; again, that will develop in time and this has been a massive learning curve. Please try not to feel too bad about it, at least it was just the once and you didn't sleep with him for a month before he did a disappearing act. At least your feelings didn't have chance to develop too deeply. And please remember that you're not the first person to experience this crushing feeling and won't be the last, the only reason so many of us know how to handle this stuff is because we've already been through it before. We've all made horrible decisions, but the sex is over and done with and means nothing, you didn't do anything wrong. Hugs. PS You definitely didn't overreact, you did the best thing you could, you saw through his cr@p eventually and put an end to it. Just don't let anything he does or says persuade you into speaking to him again because it'll just be more of the same rubbish. Never be afraid to call somebody out on the way they treat you and cut them out to protect yourself, ever. 3
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 He showed you over and over yet you had sex with him anyways then you expected something different. He talks a big game but his actions tell a different story. 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 PS people say Tinder is a hook up site, I know it's used for that too but I met my current boyfriend on there back in January and in the few months I was using it met a load of great, stable, normal, respectful guys with good jobs and great personalities. There wasn't that mutual spark with most of them but it was a great way of meeting cool people and like I say, I ended up meeting my partner. You just have to weed out a LOT of the players, and be very shrewd in who you choose to talk to/continue talking to or not. 2
spiderowl Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 He's a player. He contacts you when he's feeling randy and not otherwise. Sorry, but the guy is not worth your attention. You have tried to make a relationship of this and he just wants casual contact when he wants it. He's a loser and you are worth so much more. I'd make it clear I thought his behaviour was crap and then block him. 1
CarrieT Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 He clearly lied about everything he said, because his actions never followed up with his words after our talk. I just don't understand why guys would do that. I'll never understand. So I guess I didn't overreact? Actually, you are *beginning* to understand... You need to react to ACTIONS and not words. He fed you a line to keep you on the hook and when/if you hear from him again, it will be for a "date" that he will try to turn into a hook-up. In the future, guard your heart and your body until you are 100% absolutely sure of a connection and a potential relationship. Three, four, six, eight, ten dates: Whatever it takes. But never on a first meeting. 2
Mandy26 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I wouldn't even respond delete his number history etc. Be good to yourself and take care of you. 2
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 Well everyone pretty much covered it, now you know it's best to go by their actions not by their words. The tip off would have him getting super sexual over Skype. His intentions were pretty clear. Oh well we all live and learn. Tip: Please stop with the manipulation by telling them you are "ending things" to get a response from a guy that isn't paying attention to you. Just mean it and be done with it. 2
Author stars989 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) I hear what all of you are saying, and I do agree. There is part of me that wishes I had waited until Sunday (today) to form a judgment on him not following through with his word. The conversation we had on Tuesday was so intense, and we revealed so many thing to each other, I'm dwelling on the fact that I judged him to harshly and expected too much too soon without giving it a chance to really see. We were supposed to meet up this weekend, he said that we could see each other after his cousin's birthday party. He never said what day, so it could've been on Saturday instead of Friday which is why I didn't hear from him. Maybe I should've waited to see if he would've contacted me on Saturday. It would've been only two days of us not speaking to one another and isn't that normal? Especially if you've just met each other for a week. I guess that's why I felt I overreacted. I guess I'm not looking at his behavior before we met, because I feel everything is inconsequential until you actually meet the person. I'm just trying to be honest and deal with this, because I feel so awful, and can't stop thinking about it. On social media he is such a creative and honest individual, incredibly talented and down to earth. I just cant reconcile that person with someone who could be so hurtful and lie. I know to some of you I sound so foolish, but its hard for me to come to terms with me making such a huge mistake...Im not experienced in sex, and I' never thought I would be in a situation like this and I feel so low and like I've lost so much respect for myself , and I just want to feel better and understand. I'm 28 years old...I've dated guys, but have always held firm to not having sex/being used by guys and I've always been pretty successful at figuring out what they want. I don't know how I've lost my way with this. Edited October 12, 2014 by stars989
ExpatInItaly Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 You're making excuses for him again. It's not just this past weekend that he dropped the ball. There's a pattern of behaviour here. Anyone can be someone different on social media - do not use that as a barometer of their true character. If he wanted to be in touch with you, you'd have heard from him by now. Don't be so hard on yourself, though. Use this as a learning experience. It will make you more tuned-in to the red flags next time, and decrease your tolerance for BS. 1
Elle1975 Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) This clearly was a booty call from the start. You're young, you didn't see what was obvious. As for why? He did it to get laid. That simple. Just use better judgement, and stop selling yourself short. Edited October 12, 2014 by Elle1975 1
HappyLove Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 "don't know how I've lost my way with this." By refusing to realize you've been played and were being played. No idea why some women refuse to see the obvious. How will you ever learn? He's so honest and great on social media? This is hysterical. Stop being so naive. I could pretend to be ANYTHING on social media. It's how you behave in real life that matters!
spiderowl Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 I hear what all of you are saying, and I do agree. There is part of me that wishes I had waited until Sunday (today) to form a judgment on him not following through with his word. The conversation we had on Tuesday was so intense, and we revealed so many thing to each other, I'm dwelling on the fact that I judged him to harshly and expected too much too soon without giving it a chance to really see. We were supposed to meet up this weekend, he said that we could see each other after his cousin's birthday party. He never said what day, so it could've been on Saturday instead of Friday which is why I didn't hear from him. Maybe I should've waited to see if he would've contacted me on Saturday. It would've been only two days of us not speaking to one another and isn't that normal? Especially if you've just met each other for a week. I guess that's why I felt I overreacted. I guess I'm not looking at his behavior before we met, because I feel everything is inconsequential until you actually meet the person. I'm just trying to be honest and deal with this, because I feel so awful, and can't stop thinking about it. On social media he is such a creative and honest individual, incredibly talented and down to earth. I just cant reconcile that person with someone who could be so hurtful and lie. I know to some of you I sound so foolish, but its hard for me to come to terms with me making such a huge mistake...Im not experienced in sex, and I' never thought I would be in a situation like this and I feel so low and like I've lost so much respect for myself , and I just want to feel better and understand. I'm 28 years old...I've dated guys, but have always held firm to not having sex/being used by guys and I've always been pretty successful at figuring out what they want. I don't know how I've lost my way with this. Players are charming. They know how to say the right things. They are good at connecting with people: that's why they are so successful. But other posters are right - look at his actions. Pretend you can't hear him speak and charm you and look at what he has actually done. There is pattern or sporadic contact for his own purposes and he is vague about plans, because HE likes to keep HIS options open. If he was drawn to you as a person, he would be very keen to make plans with you and work them out with you. Someone drawn to your body, just for fun, will be looking to see what you say about being physically available and willing to share your body. That's what he's looking for. If he doesn't get that, he'll be vague because he's probably got someone else he's being charming to who seems like they are ready to get physical straight away and they might meet him tomorrow night. If he's hedging his bets like that, he's got a better prospect. I'm sorry because it hurts to find out these charming people are manipulative like this, but you will save yourself even more heartache if you avoid getting drawn in to his fun and games.
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