montanamommy Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 Hi everyone. I'll sum this up because it's an extremely long story. My boyfriend is a Marine, in the Reserves as of 12/13. He has a daughter who is 8. He served in the Marines for 10 years, deploying twice, and working as a Drill Instructor the rest of that time. He is abrupt but loving. He works for the Sheriff's Dept. here in our county, and so I take care of his daughter every day/night while he's at work (he works many hours, overnight shifts). He recently broke up with me as of yesterday, because he says I am too stressed out about a custody battle which I am having over my own daughter (age 7) with my ex-husband. The custody battle has turned extremely dirty on my ex-husband's part, and he has used my daughter as a pawn many times. He never partook in her upbringing, and so therefore, he's doing a lousy job taking care of her, and I worry constantly. I live 140 miles away in my hometown, and we share custody. The battle has been rough, and my lawyer sucked, so I fired her. Looking for new counsel. It is very, very stressful, and many things have happened over the last few months to compound to my stress, bringing me to the near-brink of insanity. I have post-traumatic stress disorder and take medication for it, but that also contributes to my stress levels at times. My boyfriend, as I said, dumped me yesterday. He said that I'm just too stressed out for "us" right now, and that the breakup isn't forever. He said he wants to get back together down the road, once I have everything in order and have my daughter in my full custody. To me, it felt like he was dumping damaged goods because he'd prefer to have me as I used to be--cheery, happy-go-lucky, stress-free, and fun. But a custody battle tends to hinder those happy emotions, and I admittedly have been drained, drained drained this summer. Added to everything, I do all that I can for him. He also goes to college, and since he works overnights, there have been times when he's procrastinated his homework until the last minute, and I have (many times) had to do his class forums for him, and even essays (getting excellent grades for him). I take great care of his daughter, and she calls me her "half-mommy" and loves me as such. I love her as my "half-daughter", as well, and we have a great relationship. Since my boyfriend works overnights, he sleeps all day, so I am responsible for getting his daughter ready for school, taking her and a neighbor kid to school, keeping track of her grades, keeping in communication with her teacher, studying her homework with her, bathing her, etc. and putting her to bed every night. Not to mention, coordinating her play dates, sleepovers, etc. with other friends and family members. I didn't mind doing all of this for them until my boyfriend started becoming distant after last week, when I was absolutely overwhelmed and broke down crying. yes, I was a mess admittedly, but not only was I PMS'ing, but I'm fighting a disgusting custody battle, raising his kid, taking care of his dog, doing all of the laundry, cleaning the house, helping him work on his dirt bike, and I work three jobs, as well. Yesterday when he broke up with me, he said that not only was it my stress levels that were stressing HIM out, but that he is also up for promotion at the Sheriff's Dept. and he doesn't want anything from my custody battle making him look bad, ultimately causing him to lose the promotion. Since he's never done anything illegal or wrong, I don't see how this makes sense at all. Ultimately, we decided that we should stay together, but that I should move out. I think this is extremely wrong. Not only does it feel like I've been taken advantage of, overwhelmed by him, and then tossed aside when I reach my breaking point, but I also am worried about his daughter and how she will handle it. She has had a rough life with her mother, whom has lost custody since. However, this child is in desperate need of a stable life, and my boyfriend wanting me to move out just will cause her more instability, and that worries me TONS. I love her to bits and pieces, and I can't bear the thought of her thinking I 'left' or anything else. She loves me so much, and this whole thing just seems so wrong. This morning, I hopped onto his Facebook page and he'd deleted his relationship status. It doesn't say "Single"; it's just altogether deleted. I asked him why, and he said that it must have done that automatically when I deactivated my account last week. But this change to his account wasn't made until yesterday. And I've been using Facebook long enough to know that you have to manually change that aspect of your profile. I said, "Are we okay?" and he laughed and said, "Yes, of course we're okay. Don't worry, ok?" Huh? Advice? What the heck is he thinking? Am I nuts, or what? Should I fight for this? Thank you all sooooo much in advance for advice!!
zen2475 Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 I'm sorry, but I think he did you a favor. You seem to be doing a lot of the work in the relationship, providing him all sorts of support and assistance, and meanwhile he can't be there for you when you are going through a tough time? You deserve to have a partner who will support you emotionally through the good times and bad. 4
SoleMate Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 It sounds like you are well rid of him. What a cold and heartless user......both the way he's treated you, and also his own flesh and blood. Seriously....you love and care for his kid like a hardworking and devoted mother, she loves you back and depends on you, he kicks you out the door because you might somehow interfere with his promotion. ....[on] his Facebook page....he'd deleted his relationship status. It doesn't say "Single"; it's just altogether deleted. I asked him why, and he said that it must have done that automatically when I deactivated my account last week. But this change to his account wasn't made until yesterday. And I've been using Facebook long enough to know that you have to manually change that aspect of your profile. I said, "Are we okay?" and he laughed and said, "Yes, of course we're okay. Don't worry, ok?" Huh? What a lying, using, cruel, dishonest jerk he is. I'll simply leave it at that. Please don't have sex with him or do his laundry ever again. You deserve FAR better. Hey, even my left butt cheek deserves better than this! Still, you're lucky, you can move on. His daughter can't........ 2
Author montanamommy Posted October 11, 2014 Author Posted October 11, 2014 It sounds like you are well rid of him. What a cold and heartless user......both the way he's treated you, and also his own flesh and blood. Seriously....you love and care for his kid like a hardworking and devoted mother, she loves you back and depends on you, he kicks you out the door because you might somehow interfere with his promotion.( I feel the same way, honestly. I think that's why this hurts the most, is because I've dedicated myself to this relationship 200%, and when poop hits the fan, he wants to bail like it's cool just because I'm going through a rough patch in my life. I have a type of cancer that is guaranteed to come out of remission, and my last bout with it almost left me for dead (Stage 4a terminal). It was a miracle that they were able to remove all of the cancer from the site, but it's guaranteed to come back. With that in my mind, what if it comes back during our relationship? I'll be petrified again, and stressed out as I was last time...am I just waiting to be dumped again, the minute my life isn't rainbows and lollipops?
Zahara Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 (edited) I feel the same way, honestly. I think that's why this hurts the most, is because I've dedicated myself to this relationship 200%, and when poop hits the fan, he wants to bail like it's cool just because I'm going through a rough patch in my life. I have a type of cancer that is guaranteed to come out of remission, and my last bout with it almost left me for dead (Stage 4a terminal). It was a miracle that they were able to remove all of the cancer from the site, but it's guaranteed to come back. With that in my mind, what if it comes back during our relationship? I'll be petrified again, and stressed out as I was last time...am I just waiting to be dumped again, the minute my life isn't rainbows and lollipops? He sounds like a cold and heartless bastard. I'm sorry to be harsh but that whole post screamed selfishness. Ice running through his veins. My gf had brain cancer. And when she was in remission, her boyfriend was flowers and sunshine but the moment it came back, he never supported her. And yes, she was just like you. Supporting him every step of the way, even when she was ill. He even told her he couldn't manage a relationship because of her moods -- she was managing a terminal illness! The stress of what he was doing (cheating as well) only made her worse and he didn't care. He did absolutely nothing to support her or help her feel peace. I urge you to move out. Be done with this man. This man isn't reliable. He isn't loyal. And he isn't in this for you but only for himself and what he can get. The fact that he never even considered the welfare of his child and how this may affect her is a stark reality of who he really is. Don't waste your life on someone like him. What will happen the next time life isn't as rosy as he would like it to be -- dump you again? Tell you to move out again? What happens when life throws a curve ball, because it always does and most times more than once -- kick you to the curb again? Who wants to live like that -- walking on eggshells. Always fearing to show emotions, vulnerability, etc. because their asshat partner might kick them out. He sounds like an absolute narcissistic prick. The moment you don't enhance their life, you become disposable. Edited October 11, 2014 by Zahara 1
Author montanamommy Posted October 11, 2014 Author Posted October 11, 2014 He sounds like a cold and heartless bastard. I'm sorry to be harsh but that whole post screamed selfishness. Ice running through his veins. My gf had brain cancer. And when she was in remission, her boyfriend was flowers and sunshine but the moment it came back, he never supported her. And yes, she was just like you. Supporting him every step of the way, even when she was ill. He even told her he couldn't manage a relationship because of her moods -- she was managing a terminal illness! The stress of what he was doing (cheating as well) only made her worse and he didn't care. He did absolutely nothing to support her or help her feel peace. I urge you to move out. Be done with this man. This man isn't reliable. He isn't loyal. And he isn't in this for you but only for himself and what he can get. The fact that he never even considered the welfare of his child and how this may affect her is a stark reality of who he really is. Don't waste your life on someone like him. What will happen the next time life isn't as rosy as he would like it to be -- dump you again? Tell you to move out again? What happens when life throws a curve ball, because it always does and most times more than once -- kick you to the curb again? Who wants to live like that -- walking on eggshells. Always fearing to show emotions, vulnerability, etc. because their asshat partner might kick them out. He sounds like an absolute narcissistic prick. The moment you don't enhance their life, you become disposable. You are so blunt, I love it haha! That's how I feel, too, honestly. One of my major faults is loving too easily and forgiving too often. When I fall in love with someone, I commit myself to them to my absolute fullest ability. Therefore, by the time crap like this happens, I'm so invested that I find myself blinded, wanting desperately to repair things, gain forgiveness (even if I've done nothing wrong). I don't see the reality of things too often, where I have to kick myself and say, "Holy crap, I've done so much for this person, and yet...it's as if I've done nothing for them at all". I sincerely appreciate your blunt, honest answer. Thank you.
Author montanamommy Posted October 11, 2014 Author Posted October 11, 2014 I just re-read your reply, and you word things so well. When you said "Who wants to live like that -- walking on eggshells. Always fearing to show emotions, vulnerability, etc. because their asshat partner might kick them out. He sounds like an absolute narcissistic prick. The moment you don't enhance their life, you become disposable," it rang so clearly with me. I have a hard time I suppose, accepting that I am disposable to him. Should I talk to him about all of this before I break up with him? Or just call it quits and move on?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 I just re-read your reply, and you word things so well. When you said "Who wants to live like that -- walking on eggshells. Always fearing to show emotions, vulnerability, etc. because their asshat partner might kick them out. He sounds like an absolute narcissistic prick. The moment you don't enhance their life, you become disposable," it rang so clearly with me. I have a hard time I suppose, accepting that I am disposable to him. Should I talk to him about all of this before I break up with him? Or just call it quits and move on? Honestly, I think he more or less already has called it quits. He's just not saying as much so he can keep using you when it's convenient for him. He wants you to move out and he wants to appear single on social media - for whom? Then tells you not to worry when you ask if everything is ok. OP, you know for darn sure that everything is not ok. Loving and committed partners don't feed you breadcrumbs like that. I think the stress is part of his decision, but also suspect there's more to it than that.
Mittens Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 I'd just call it quits and move on. Like Zahara said, he's only thinking about himself, he hasn't even considered the impact this will have on his child. I'm not saying that he has to stay in a relationship he's not happy with, but it does sound like he's a 'fair weather' boyfriend. I had one like that when I was divorcing my 1st husband (didn't cheat on him, the divorce was drawn out over a couple of years). I was only 24 at the time, and at one point I got very stressed out by it all. BF couldn't understand, didn't even try to. I was keeping a lot of his possessions in my flat as he was between places...I came back from work one Sunday evening to find he'd moved all his stuff out, and left me a break up note. Didn't even have the guts to tell me to my face... As ExpatInItaly has said, don't let him feed you crumbs. You are worth more.
Zahara Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 I have a hard time I suppose, accepting that I am disposable to him. Should I talk to him about all of this before I break up with him? Or just call it quits and move on? Understandably so. After investing your heart and soul, believing that this person is just as invested as you -- it would be hard to wrap your head around such cold and dismissive behavior. Unfortunately, his actions are your reality. I believe that he's breaking up with you but for the coward that he is, he can't come forth and tell you so he creates all these excuses. There is nothing to talk about. You call it quits and move on because you DO NOT want to be with a man that treats you this way. Talking to him doesn't change who he is nor does it change his many excuses to detach from you. And he does not get to decide your fate. You do that for yourself. You don't sit there and wait for him to decide whether he wants you or not. You don't sit there and negotiate with him to see if you're worthy enough for him. HE is not worthy or deserving of someone like you.
d0nnivain Posted October 11, 2014 Posted October 11, 2014 You have a priority: your daughter. He doesn't want to deal with all that entails so he walked away. What else is there? You can't force him to sit around with a front row seat while you & your EX battle over your child & it tears you apart. He may also have feared ending up as a witness & being dragged into the middle.
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