Author Raena Posted October 18, 2014 Author Posted October 18, 2014 I guess I didn't make it clear in my post... my best friend lives 500 miles from me in another state... he didn't just move to a new town, he moved out of state.... far enough away that weekend visitation isn't going to work.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Good grief. Maybe file for sole custody? Why? With him 500 miles away, she has it now on a de facto basis. I'd wait to see what he does. Live your life and focus on your son, that part is under your control. Forget about where he is, what he said he would do and who he's doing it with until and unless it impacts you directly. Hard as it is, let it go... Mr. Lucky 2
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Why? With him 500 miles away, she has it now on a de facto basis. I'd wait to see what he does. Live your life and focus on your son, that part is under your control. Forget about where he is, what he said he would do and who he's doing it with until and unless it impacts you directly. Hard as it is, let it go... Mr. Lucky I get that. But at the same time, I'd hate for the lack of clarity around all of this to be an issue that bites her in the arse later on (like anytime he chooses over the next like 15 years). I want her to know her rights and put this issue to bed. Maybe she waits like 6 months to be able to establish/document his lack of involvement or support but this vague custody language just seems to leave her vulnerable. I would hate to see it be indefinite and then the guy comes back and decided he wants input on "major decisions." Eff that. 1
merrmeade Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 How old is your son? It's going to hurt some day when you've protected his image of his dad and then he says he wants to be with the schmuck in spite of custody provisions. Just remember that boys just will have that role model issue come up. They just will. There's no avoiding it, whatever the state of the parents' relationship. And when it does, they often want to be with their dads, unless they've been outright abusive, junkies or criminals. It has to be pretty bad for them not to want to know their dads when their own future manhood becomes real - and confusing. It's only an issue now maybe considering the custody outcome. Your son himself may want to change it later is all I'm saying. Sorry for all the pain and heartache. There's nothing good about it. Just nothing. Like everyone said, time makes it more tolerable and allows you to act on new decisions. Go easy on yourself and know that next year will be different. There's always LS...
Author Raena Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 How old is your son? It's going to hurt some day when you've protected his image of his dad and then he says he wants to be with the schmuck in spite of custody provisions. Just remember that boys just will have that role model issue come up. They just will. There's no avoiding it, whatever the state of the parents' relationship. And when it does, they often want to be with their dads, unless they've been outright abusive, junkies or criminals. It has to be pretty bad for them not to want to know their dads when their own future manhood becomes real - and confusing. It's only an issue now maybe considering the custody outcome. Your son himself may want to change it later is all I'm saying. Sorry for all the pain and heartache. There's nothing good about it. Just nothing. Like everyone said, time makes it more tolerable and allows you to act on new decisions. Go easy on yourself and know that next year will be different. There's always LS... This has already been an issue... my son is turning 8 soon so he's still young but he's made it very clear that he loves his father. My issue isn't with my son WANTING to be with his father... it's the fact that his father has left the state without even saying goodbye to his son or letting him know that he won't be seeing him regularly, or making a plan with me for how to handle this(and a multitude of other things). He just up and disappeared. He's a piece of **** and he's hurting his son whether he realizes it or not. He SHOULD in fact realize it because he did the exact same damn thing to his first son and he saw what it did to him but yet here he is, doing the same stupid thing all over again. I do realize, VERY well that my son is going to want to see and/or be with his father some time down the road. I do also know that my son is a momma's boy and unless things change dramatically with his relationship with me, he isn't going to want to leave me to live with his dad (I'm not discounting the angst of teenage years). I will say that his father being gone is going to hurt him, but the reality is, he's a terrible role model and staying away might very well be the best decision he could make.... go away and STAY away, not keep coming back when it suits him or when he suddenly gets a wild case of the "guilts" about it. I'm with Betrayed on this... I don't think I can go ask for sole custody right this minute, but 6 months to a year should be long enough to prove that he has abandoned him and should lose his right to just come back, willy nilly, whenever he feels like or have to be involved in major issues. This custody plan we have is far to generic and wide open for me. I don't like it. How do I handle visitation with him so far away? (if you read any of my other posts you'd understand clearly why this is such an issue for me... it's NOT a good idea for my son to not be close enough for me to come get him when things go bad while at his father's)
Author Raena Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 Why? With him 500 miles away, she has it now on a de facto basis. I'd wait to see what he does. Live your life and focus on your son, that part is under your control. Forget about where he is, what he said he would do and who he's doing it with until and unless it impacts you directly. Hard as it is, let it go... Mr. Lucky The only problem with this plan Mr. Lucky is that when it does impact me directly, it's too late to do anything about it. If I've learned anything from dealing with this particular jackass is that I have to be proactive, not sit around pretending nothing is going on until it smacks me in the face. I do, very much, like the idea of just letting it go for NOW though. Give it a few months and then I can see where things are at. It doesn't do me all that much good to stress over it right this minute.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Maybe she waits like 6 months to be able to establish/document his lack of involvement or support but this vague custody language just seems to leave her vulnerable. I would hate to see it be indefinite and then the guy comes back and decided he wants input on "major decisions." Eff that. Makes sense, that's also what I meant about waiting. Truth is that, in divorce, there's no NFL-style ref to throw flags and mark off penalties. So there's value in patience, moderation and deliberation. Let him play his hand first... Mr. Lucky 1
jnel921 Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 When my first M ended in D due to his infidelity it took about 4 years before I felt better about everything and myself. I was very angry and got lots of therapy. My friends were very supportive and I was pregnant with our daughter and my son was 1 at the time. I had full custody and he saw them every other week for a few hours and there was a drop off where he'd meet my sister because at the time I had an order of protection against him and his OW. We were able face each other once again when his relationship was over. Being alone with 2 babies was tough. But like the saying goes...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...and so it did. It's been almost 18 years since then. My kids are 18 and 17. They deal with their dad directly and now he see's them maybe once every two months. At this point I could give a rats a$$ about him. Although it does annoy me that he has a non-interest and non-encouragement of our kids futures and is trying to encourage them to do stupid stuff like get tattoos. He should help me with our son's college. Unfortunately, this is what it will come down to. Co-parenting. Hopefully you can do it civilly. When you have a new person in your life he will have to respect that and the relationship your new man will have in your son's life. My current H has been there with my kids since they were 4 and 5. He's loved them and raised them as if they were his own. He taught them how to play ball, swim and drive. He is their dad as well. So don't give up on love. Try to be positive. You may need IC to deal with your feelings. Trust me I did that and am so much better for it. Even though life dealt me the same cards years later am glad I had the tools to deal with it. Work on you. You will be okay. 1
Author Raena Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 When my first M ended in D due to his infidelity it took about 4 years before I felt better about everything and myself. I was very angry and got lots of therapy. My friends were very supportive and I was pregnant with our daughter and my son was 1 at the time. I had full custody and he saw them every other week for a few hours and there was a drop off where he'd meet my sister because at the time I had an order of protection against him and his OW. We were able face each other once again when his relationship was over. Being alone with 2 babies was tough. But like the saying goes...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...and so it did. It's been almost 18 years since then. My kids are 18 and 17. They deal with their dad directly and now he see's them maybe once every two months. At this point I could give a rats a$$ about him. Although it does annoy me that he has a non-interest and non-encouragement of our kids futures and is trying to encourage them to do stupid stuff like get tattoos. He should help me with our son's college. Unfortunately, this is what it will come down to. Co-parenting. Hopefully you can do it civilly. When you have a new person in your life he will have to respect that and the relationship your new man will have in your son's life. My current H has been there with my kids since they were 4 and 5. He's loved them and raised them as if they were his own. He taught them how to play ball, swim and drive. He is their dad as well. So don't give up on love. Try to be positive. You may need IC to deal with your feelings. Trust me I did that and am so much better for it. Even though life dealt me the same cards years later am glad I had the tools to deal with it. Work on you. You will be okay. It's nice to hear stories from the end result of these kinds of situations. It sounds like it worked out pretty well for you. Probably part of the reason is worked is because you had sole custody with limited visitation when it was needed. I don't have that at all. Things are far too wide open here with this plan we have, anything could happen. Given previous experiences with him in the past year since we split and in the 11 years we were together before that... I don't trust him one single solitary bit to not do something rash and foolish. Just a few weeks ago he had me convinced he had dropped the OW because of how much trouble his relationship with her was causing him in his ability to co-parent with me. He had me convinced that it was important to him to parent our son together (not together as a couple). Then he just up and runs off to go to another state to live with her? It makes no sense and is just very frustrating. Honestly, most people on here rush to advise therapy. Nothing against therapy, but that isn't what I need. I need my son's father to stop acting like a fool and start actually being a father. The feedback I get on here is enough for me, no sense paying some therapist to tell me what I already know.
No Limit Posted October 20, 2014 Posted October 20, 2014 I need my son's father to stop acting like a fool and start actually being a father. He will never be that kind of father. I think you finally have to adjust your expectations; co-parenting bothered him to no end (especially because it was annoying his b!!tch) and he could care less about his son. You should really start to consider him out of your life, as if he's dead or lost or something. The only thing even I can't figure out is how to explain your son that his father doesn't want regular contact; then again, perhaps he'll catch on in time on his own to the whole situation and who his father really is. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2014 Posted October 20, 2014 He will never be that kind of father. I think you finally have to adjust your expectations; co-parenting bothered him to no end (especially because it was annoying his b!!tch) and he could care less about his son. Afraid this is true, saw the same thing happen to a friend who's wife moved across the country with her AP, leaving him with a 13-yr old daughter. Even more pressure on you to provide the stability kids need. Forget about your ex, he's forgotten about you. Any energy directed towards him other than holding him to his legal obligations is wasted. Have you thought about any of the single parent support groups? Mr. Lucky 1
Author Raena Posted October 20, 2014 Author Posted October 20, 2014 Afraid this is true, saw the same thing happen to a friend who's wife moved across the country with her AP, leaving him with a 13-yr old daughter. Even more pressure on you to provide the stability kids need. Forget about your ex, he's forgotten about you. Any energy directed towards him other than holding him to his legal obligations is wasted. Have you thought about any of the single parent support groups? Mr. Lucky I'm not sure if anything like that exists in my area (single parent support groups) but it'll all work itself out in the end. The more connections I make with other parents around here, the better I'll be. I do feel much better than I did when I originally wrote this thread. It's not OVER yet, I know that, but for the moment I do feel a temporary relief that I don't have to deal with him right this minute. He's gone for now and as far as I'm concerned, he may as well have left the planet because he's not here to help. I blocked his number from my phone and I'm feeling some blessed relief that I won't have to deal with him anytime soon. Even when we were supposedly getting along for those couple of months he still caused anxiety in MY life with HIS issues. It wasn't even anything that had to do with me but would eventually affect custody and what my son has to deal with and I was sick of hearing about it. His life is FILLED with drama and in a lot of ways I'm VERY glad he's gone. I think the anticipation of coming up on the anniversary of dday was actually much worse than dealing with it. It was just another day for me really. I kept us both busy all weekend so that I didn't even think about it for the most part. When it did cross my mind it was more of a.... wow that's pretty crazy that this was only a year ago.... seems like longer than that sometimes. I'm looking at him and who he is these days and thinking to myself.... what in the world was I EVER attracted to with him? The more time I have away from him, the more I distance myself from who I was when I was with him too and that's really fantastic. So I guess, maybe I really did grow some. Things still upset me every now and then, but I AM getting better. 1
Author Raena Posted October 21, 2014 Author Posted October 21, 2014 He will never be that kind of father. I think you finally have to adjust your expectations; co-parenting bothered him to no end (especially because it was annoying his b!!tch) and he could care less about his son. You should really start to consider him out of your life, as if he's dead or lost or something. The only thing even I can't figure out is how to explain your son that his father doesn't want regular contact; then again, perhaps he'll catch on in time on his own to the whole situation and who his father really is. Yes, that's the sad part... co-parenting with me was FAR too much for him to handle because, heaven forbid he actually have to BE a parent. I honestly don't understand it. I don't get how ANY parent can walk away from their child for ANY reason, yet it happens all the time I guess. I can also almost guarantee you that hobo will be pregnant and they will be married within a year. That's my prediction for his future. I just wish I could keep my son out of that mix permanently. Either way, he's not my concern anymore. I have to keep reminding myself of that. What he does is none of my business as long as he stays away from us. If he were smart, that's what he would do.
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