HereNorThere Posted October 12, 2014 Posted October 12, 2014 If you're into women who keep other men on back burners, sleeps with people directly after the end of a relationship and has sex with their friend's husbands, by all means, go for it. The problem is that you are idealizing who she really is. Sure, she sounds like a lot of fun, but relationship material she isn't. I mean, unless you are into a more hedonistic, no strings attached, swinger lifestyle. You say this is out of her character but it's not because she did it. This is her, man. Accept who she now or you'll just be disappointed later. You aren't going to turn this one into a housewife. You do not possess magic personality changing powers.
Ronni_W Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) I feel so much better about everything There are some of us who are genuinely and deeply glad about that; it is the only thing that is and ought be important to you. Please do not let others -- who yet have their own axes to grind for lack of having taken appropriate (not undue) responsibility for and properly dealt with their own experiences of betrayal, disappointment and disillusionment with the opposite gender -- influence you away from love, understanding, compassion and, if and when necessary, forgiveness...for yourself equally as for the other. As long as you are giving those things ALSO to yourself, and making your own values and integrity your priority, then...well. Then you will be able to hold your head high and, without guilt and 'what ifs', live with yourself, your decisions and your choices...and won't so much have to blame and fault and judge other people for theirs. The axes frequently (not always) have to do with people who did not properly love, protect and defend themselves in the first place -- gave up on their own values and integrity, and/or their own feelings, needs and wants, and/or ignored their own common sense and intuitive/gut sense...and thus allowed themselves to be compromised, manipulated, controlled, dominated and/or fooled, deceived and deluded in the first place. That isn't on the other person or his or her gender, but on account of the weak wills, pride, vanity, fears, stupidity and/or insecurities of themselves. Don't let these weak ones influence you against yourself. But. I suspect I probably didn't need to tell you that, kindascared. Did I? Edited October 13, 2014 by Ronni_W clarification
Spectre Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 (edited) I guess the two perfectionists above would prefer you to miss this opportunity in life. Really helpful and empathetic advice. I agree with you, go for it and chose the advice carefully. All is not what it may seem with some posters. Really? Perfectionists? A person is a perfectionist if they would not want to date a woman like this? You might call that person a perfectionist, but I call that person "sane". Seriously, stop brushing what happened under the rug as if it was some youthful indiscretion that happened a long time ago. You are saying some people prefer he miss this opportunity in life? You know what, you are right. I would totally prefer the guy miss out on the opportunity of getting his heart broken by this woman. Since, well..who wouldn't want that? I have to say I like how I am an apparent perfectionist because I would not want to be with a woman who, while we are on the verge of about to begin dating..goes and has a threesome. Yes, because not wanting a woman who does..THAT equates to wanting a woman who is perfect. Nope, I don't want perfection..I just want common decency and respect. Your thought-belief that my perception, perspective and/or interpretation of kindascared's struggle would be any different if he had been born a woman, has no basis in fact, is fabricated/fantasy and is, in fact, inaccurate. I would be useless, including to myself, if my own thoughts, feelings, perceptions and opinions were so fickle as to rely on, or be clouded/distorted by, anyone else's gender...or choices, or preferences, or proclivities. Dude..what are you talking about? When did I say anything about this having to do with gender? I put "he" in caps not to emphasize the guy was a dude, but to emphasize that HE, the one who was hurt here, is the one who supposedly messed up. It..has nothing to do with male or female in the sense that I am saying it makes any difference. Since let me say: this guys only mess up was the emotional affair and deciding to get involved with this woman in the first place. To the OP: if you have not done what you should and dumped her..you at least need to tell this woman she can't have any contact anymore with this "Autumn" and her husband. If you are going to stay with her at least tell me you put your foot down about that. Edited October 14, 2014 by Spectre
Ronni_W Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Dude..what are you talking about? When did I say anything about this having to do with gender? I put "he" in caps not to emphasize the guy was a dude, but to emphasize that HE, the one who was hurt here, is the one who supposedly messed up. Sorry for my misinterpreting you, Spectre, and thanks for clearing it up. If I correctly understood the situation with which kindascared was having an issue, there wasn't actually any commitment or promise of fidelity at the time his now-partner engaged in sex with other people. Yes, they were involved to whatever extent but he had not yet been honest with her about his feelings and what he really wanted from her/in their relationship. (And yes, perhaps she is ALSO and EQUALLY guilty of not having been honest with him about the same things, but we don't know that.) IMO, HE only "messed up" if not being honest about one's own feelings and wants is "messing up". His feelings of HURT were leading him astray and where he felt stuck. But his hurt feelings were a direct consequence of HIM not being honest with her. SHE did not mess-up, either, because they were not exclusive at the time; she did not actually break any promise of fidelity. His unknown-to-her expectation, perhaps, but not an actual verbalized request or promise. In any case, again, I appreciate you taking the time to fix my wrong interpretation of your posts.
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