How do people do it?

[Inflikted]

As a 25 year old guy, who's never been able to connect with people in any capacity (for friendship or especially dating) and has been alone and completely devoid of human companionship, I've always found it so bizarre how people are able to be attracted to so many different people in their lifetimes. From high school up to now, pretty much everyone I've known has frequently had some kind of romantic partner, and even if their relationships don't work out, they're usually with someone new within 6-12 months.

 

That just... baffles me. In my entire life time, I've had real feelings for one girl, who rejected me (though at a younger age, I did have more superficial feelings for another girl, though I didn't date that girl, either). I just don't understand how people can seemingly always find someone to be romantic with in such short spans of time. I guess one could argue that not all relationships are based on good things, or have good foundations, or whatever, and I understand that, but there obviously has to be SOME attraction between two people for them to date, and I just don't understand how most people can feel that with different people so frequently, and I almost never feel that.

 

It bums me out, because that essentially means my only options for "love" will either be to just remain alone for the rest of my life, or settle for whoever will have me even though I probably won't be all that attracted to them. Neither of those options make me very happy at all. :/

[WomenWubber]

People tend to learn this by socializing. That's how I learned, but it takes time.

 

You can also read books and articles on the matter, but you still have to practice what you learn in order to internalize that knowledge.

[central]

You may have a psychological disorder which may be treatable. If you want to change your circumstances and develop a social life, you may benefit from pursuing help to determine if there is indeed an underlying cause.

[Gloria25]

People tend to learn this by socializing. That's how I learned, but it takes time.

 

You can also read books and articles on the matter, but you still have to practice what you learn in order to internalize that knowledge.

 

Agreed ^^, I think you should go out there and make friends, do volunteering, meet-up, hobby/social groups and stuff if you want to get to know people and work on forming relationships.

 

As for people who jump from person to person? Well, do you really know "what" kind of RL they have? I mean, they just may be sharing companionship until it fizzles and then they pick someone new...I don't think it's necessarily "love" (they probably don't even know what "love" is either).

 

So yea, jumping from one person to another in such a short span and/or so frequently is kinda funny, but then again, if they are not looking for something serious and/or marriage - of course it is easy for them to get another partner cuz they probably aren't looking for what they'd really want in a long-term mate and/or are not in the point in their life where they are looking to settle down.

 

But, then again, even if you're not ready for something serious - I don't get why people would be switching partners so much...maybe when you're not committed, it's easier to just end something than work it out if issues arise and/or you get bored?

 

I'm a simple gal...while I never married, I don't like jumping from guy to guy, but when the RL doesn't evolve into something (i.e. marriage or kids) the guys usually move on. Only one guy I was with was for like 6 years. The others haven't lasted nearly that long...

 

But, then again, some of us simply don't need or want that much contact with others...I'm not a social butterfly, but I do talk to people, but I really don't "need" it much.

Edited October 10, 2014 by Gloria25

[preraph]

You can't have relationships without getting out there and socializing. You won't just magically "find" someone who comes running to you on the sidewalk because she's the "right one." You have to socialize with friends and enjoy it and have activities and interests. If you don't like people or socializing with them, well, that's relationship 101. You can't get to relationship 102, which is advanced relationship with woman, until you master relationship 101.

[Inflikted]

As for people who jump from person to person? Well, do you really know "what" kind of RL they have? I mean, they just may be sharing companionship until it fizzles and then they pick someone new...I don't think it's necessarily "love" (they probably don't even know what "love" is either).

 

I dunno, I mean, from what I see, it seems like the people I've been around tend to have "traditional" relationships, that generally last somewhere between 6-12 months (maybe less if some big problem comes up), and if/ when the relationships end, people can generally find someone else they're attracted to within another 6-12 months, and repeat that cycle all over again. I don't necessarily feel people purposely "jump around" just to do so, it just seems like that's the natural "order" of things; people find other people they're attracted to, and they have a relationship that runs its course, then they move on and do it over again with someone else.

 

As for me, I don't necessarily think I've had a lack of opportunity to meet and connect with people, I just... never really hit it off with anyone. Every time I've been a part of a new "group" of people, whether it be for some activity or some kind of function, everyone else tends to assimilate with each other fine, and I'm always the odd one out, the one on the outside looking in. It's not really a lack of trying or lack of effort on my part, I just can't seem to do it.

 

And when it comes to women, and dating, I just don't feel attracted to girls very often. 99% of the girls I meet and encounter don't stir any kind of attraction in me that makes me want to pursue them romantically. But, when I come across that 1%, I apparently fall way too hard and then it goes wrong anyway. I don't purposely narrow my scope of attraction, it just sort of is what it is. Can't exactly force myself to be attracted to people, yanno?

[boilingpoint]

As for me, I don't necessarily think I've had a lack of opportunity to meet and connect with people, I just... never really hit it off with anyone. Every time I've been a part of a new "group" of people, whether it be for some activity or some kind of function, everyone else tends to assimilate with each other fine, and I'm always the odd one out, the one on the outside looking in. It's not really a lack of trying or lack of effort on my part, I just can't seem to do it.

 

And when it comes to women, and dating, I just don't feel attracted to girls very often. 99% of the girls I meet and encounter don't stir any kind of attraction in me that makes me want to pursue them romantically. But, when I come across that 1%, I apparently fall way too hard and then it goes wrong anyway. I don't purposely narrow my scope of attraction, it just sort of is what it is. Can't exactly force myself to be attracted to people, yanno?

 

You sound like you could be just like me. I mean I've had a combination of problems that mean I've never had a LTR with any girl (although I have had casual relationships). I'm 30 now and looking to change this.

 

I'd say you may be more sensitive than the average person, you may also have some social anxiety that prevents you forming connections here and there (especially when the stakes are higher with attractive women). You may also connect with fewer people on an emotional level since that sensitivity can leave you misunderstood frequently.

 

Sounds like you're a bit of an outsider/artist type - if so, you just have to try to get along with people as best as possible while still respecting your own sentiments that may not be in line with the crowd.

 

Just put yourself out there as much as possible, have a goal/project your passionate about and post here about relationship issues...

[Inflikted]

Sounds like you're a bit of an outsider/artist type - if so, you just have to try to get along with people as best as possible while still respecting your own sentiments that may not be in line with the crowd.

 

Just put yourself out there as much as possible, have a goal/project your passionate about and post here about relationship issues...

 

Yeah, I mean, that's basically how I've been trying to live my life for several years, but I've gotten nowhere. I've really only ever liked one girl, and she was the most perfect match for me that I could've hoped for, so she was basically it for me, but of course, she didn't want me.

 

I don't anticipate having "relationship issues", anyway, because between my two options (staying alone for the rest of my life, or settling for someone I don't really like), I'll more likely do the "staying alone" one. It just bothers me a bit that I'm so different, this way, compared to most people, and that it negatively affects how much I could be enjoying life now and in the future.

[Gloria25]

I dunno, I mean, from what I see, it seems like the people I've been around tend to have "traditional" relationships, that generally last somewhere between 6-12 months (maybe less if some big problem comes up), and if/ when the relationships end, people can generally find someone else they're attracted to within another 6-12 months, and repeat that cycle all over again. I don't necessarily feel people purposely "jump around" just to do so, it just seems like that's the natural "order" of things; people find other people they're attracted to, and they have a relationship that runs its course, then they move on and do it over again with someone else.

 

See, you used the word "seems"...Again, you and I have no idea what those RLs are about. No one knows for sure what happens behind closed doors.

 

As for me, I don't necessarily think I've had a lack of opportunity to meet and connect with people, I just... never really hit it off with anyone. Every time I've been a part of a new "group" of people, whether it be for some activity or some kind of function, everyone else tends to assimilate with each other fine, and I'm always the odd one out, the one on the outside looking in. It's not really a lack of trying or lack of effort on my part, I just can't seem to do it.

 

What kind of activities and/or groups are you talking about? Ones forced upon you cuz of school or work? The beauty of meet-ups, hobbies, and/or social groups is that we can "pick" the ones we want to participate with. For example, let's say you like collecting coins...then join a group of coin collectors. How could you end up being the "odd man out" if you are in a group of your choosing with people who have similar interests?

 

And when it comes to women, and dating, I just don't feel attracted to girls very often. 99% of the girls I meet and encounter don't stir any kind of attraction in me that makes me want to pursue them romantically. But, when I come across that 1%, I apparently fall way too hard and then it goes wrong anyway. I don't purposely narrow my scope of attraction, it just sort of is what it is. Can't exactly force myself to be attracted to people, yanno?

 

I sorta feel ya there cuz I know what attracts me and I don't find that every day. But, again that's why putting yourself in certain groups, hobbies, etc. cuz hopefully not only will you be encouraged to socialize with people who already have shared interests as you - but because you are exposing yourself to more people and/or people who have things in common with you, hopefully that will open up your dating pool

 

 

My responses ^^ are in bold.

[nerd]

If you aren't well-socialized, there is still the outside chance that an awesome woman will see something in you she likes, and fall for you, and you'll live happily ever after.

 

I've seen that happen once.

 

It hasn't happened to me.

 

So either hold out for that lightning bolt, or start trying to talk with more people.

 

Not everyone is an annoying idiot. Just most people.

[Inflikted]

See, you used the word "seems"...Again, you and I have no idea what those RLs are about. No one knows for sure what happens behind closed doors.

 

Perhaps. But regardless of what the relationships are about, that's just the way dating and relationships work for people. That's the "natural order" to it. The fact that I'm close to turning 26 and have only ever really been attracted to one girl, but hasn't date, been in a relationship, or done anything "romantic" or "intimate" with another person, that's pretty telling, to me, that something is very wrong with me.

 

What kind of activities and/or groups are you talking about? Ones forced upon you cuz of school or work? The beauty of meet-ups, hobbies, and/or social groups is that we can "pick" the ones we want to participate with. For example, let's say you like collecting coins...then join a group of coin collectors. How could you end up being the "odd man out" if you are in a group of your choosing with people who have similar interests?

 

Well, sure, most of my groups and activities have been "forced" ones, but what's so bad about that? They've given me more than enough opportunity to connect with people and form relationships, and honestly, I feel more compelled to open up to people in a forced environment, because getting to know my peers in that kind of circumstance is almost a mandatory requirement. Whereas, when it's up to me to make the choice who, how, when, and where I try to "socialize", I'll more often choose to just keep to myself and stay disconnected, because I'm a reserved, anti-social introvert by nature.

 

And more than that, I don't have very many interests, and the ones I do have aren't really conducive for being able to find groups for. I suppose one could simply say "Get more interests", but it's not that easy, at least not for me. My interest level in things I'm not already doing is generally pretty low, ranging to completely nonexistent.

[Inflikted]

To make things even more... complicated, having had strong feelings for someone once in the past, part of me really doesn't WANT to feel that way ever again, because it was just too much for nothing. It was too stressful to have feelings for someone, and with all that stress, all I got was rejection.

 

The way I see it, there's absolutely no chance that a girl I like will ever like me. The odds just don't add up for that to be realistic. In a way, it worries me that I might have feelings for someone again later on, because it's just going to be the exact same thing, a whole lot of stress for nothing.

[Mysterio]

If I were you. I would try to forget why it has not worked for you. Just join recreational activities and enjoy yourself. Do things that you like that other people like as well.

 

There is too much pressure to mate these days anyways. I believe that the Universe is always providing for us anyways. We don't always have to be in the thick of things anyways.

 

Perhaps its hormones for the most part that take us to these places of love and then it wares off.

 

My sense from you is that you may have too much expectations on how your life should be. I have that and I am trying to let my life unfold the way it should. Sometimes the society around us dictate things that we are not ready for.

 

Once again. Just pick out a couple of hobbies and let friends and romantic prospects pop up. Don't try to force anything.

[mammasita]

It sounds to me like you're stuck on this fairy tale of a girl that didn't want you. I mean, did you really know her and have a chance to socialize with her?

 

I'm about 200% sure that you will find someone else that you like, you just have to get out there and stop living in a fantasy of how you think things should be......trust me, I do it too.....only ends up in disappointment even if the end result was awesome simply because it didn't match the fantasy/what we imagined.

[Inflikted]

My sense from you is that you may have too much expectations on how your life should be. I have that and I am trying to let my life unfold the way it should. Sometimes the society around us dictate things that we are not ready for.

 

Once again. Just pick out a couple of hobbies and let friends and romantic prospects pop up. Don't try to force anything.

 

I notice that people always seem to say either "Don't try so hard, live your life and let things happen naturally" or "You're not trying hard enough, go meet more people, take a more active role in getting what you want". And honestly, at different times in my life, I feel like I've explored both sides of that coin, and either way, it's never been very fruitful for me at all. I just hate the idea of "keep waiting". It's frustrating to go through life, getting close to the age of 26, and still being unable to connect with people and forge relationships no matter what I do or say or how I present myself.

 

It sounds to me like you're stuck on this fairy tale of a girl that didn't want you. I mean, did you really know her and have a chance to socialize with her?

 

I'm about 200% sure that you will find someone else that you like, you just have to get out there and stop living in a fantasy of how you think things should be......trust me, I do it too.....only ends up in disappointment even if the end result was awesome simply because it didn't match the fantasy/what we imagined.

 

Yes, I did get to know her quite well. Let me put this in perspective; when I was younger, there was another girl I was completely head over heels for, for a long time, but as you said, I didn't really know her very well. Everything I liked about that first girl was some fantasy I came up with in my head, that was based on absolutely nothing real. So, I know what that's like. I really do.

 

The reason this more recent girl was such a big deal to me is because I liked her for "real" reasons. Our personalities were such a good match that it was almost scary. We had the same values and outlooks on life, we had a bunch in common. Being able to connect with her and talk to her, and everything, it all just came so easily to me, which doesn't typically happen for me.

 

In my mind, she was the closest thing to a "perfect match" for me that I could've ever hoped for. And now that I've met someone like that, I don't want anything less; anything less would just disappoint me, really. I don't want to have to settle for someone less, for someone I don't REALLY want to be with, but the way I see it, the odds of me meeting another girl I like that much are slim to none, and even if lightning does manage to strike twice, there's almost zero chance this supposed girl would want to be with me any more than this other girl did. So, either way, I'm pretty much screwed.