He's Fading Out and I Want Him Back

[deltacharm]

Back in July, I was reintroduced to a guy I met several years ago. We were at a 4th of July party, and I was actually trying to introduce him to a friend of mine who thought he was cute. Well, as we started talking, we really hit it off and pretty soon after that, we were dating. It got to the point where we were seeing one another at least once a week and talking via phone or text at least daily. Then, around mid-September, he started acting differently and pulling away. My birthday rolled around on September 25, and he wished me a happy birthday but he never made plans to hang out. I sent him a long note telling him how I felt, and he went completely silent on me for several days. We bumped into one another the Tuesday after my birthday (last week), and he basically ignored the letter, asked me all about my weekend, work, and life. He seemed genuinely happy to see me. When I got to work, he'd sent a text telling me he was glad he saw me that morning.

 

 

Then we texted back and forth a little bit on Thursday and Friday last week, but I always felt like I was initiating the conversations. Then, on Saturday night, he sent me a drunken text telling me congrats on the fact my college football team had won their big game. I didn't respond and he called and left a similar message via voicemail. The next day I sent him a text telling him I missed his call since I was out celebrating with friends. He finally responded on Monday, telling me he didn't see my text on Sunday.

 

 

I hadn't heard from him all week, but I had an emergency with my dog yesterday, freaked out and sent him a text, telling him about it. He texted me back to check on her, and later that night I sent him a text telling him that she was fine now, loopy on medicine, and looked cute..."kind of how you look when you are drunk." He never responded to my somewhat flirty text.

 

 

Anyway, I'm back to square one now, trying to give him his space and hoping he will come around. Things were going so well between us until I freaked out the week of my birthday, and I wish I could get him to pursue me again the way he did all summer. Up until just a week before my birthday, he was talking about the future, buying me dinners, taking an interest in me, and acting like our relationship was headed somewhere. I feel like I did something to make him feel like I am needy, and now I just wish I could show him that I am the strong, fun, independent woman he met this summer.

 

 

Any thoughts or advice on how to deal with this situation? Particularly, how can I get him to pursue me again? Should I cut off all contact? We still communicate a little, and we never officially broke up, so I just don't know how to handle this situation.

[Redhead14]

Back in July, I was reintroduced to a guy I met several years ago. We were at a 4th of July party, and I was actually trying to introduce him to a friend of mine who thought he was cute. Well, as we started talking, we really hit it off and pretty soon after that, we were dating. It got to the point where we were seeing one another at least once a week and talking via phone or text at least daily. Then, around mid-September, he started acting differently and pulling away. My birthday rolled around on September 25, and he wished me a happy birthday but he never made plans to hang out. I sent him a long note telling him how I felt, and he went completely silent on me for several days. We bumped into one another the Tuesday after my birthday (last week), and he basically ignored the letter, asked me all about my weekend, work, and life. He seemed genuinely happy to see me. When I got to work, he'd sent a text telling me he was glad he saw me that morning.

 

 

Then we texted back and forth a little bit on Thursday and Friday last week, but I always felt like I was initiating the conversations. Then, on Saturday night, he sent me a drunken text telling me congrats on the fact my college football team had won their big game. I didn't respond and he called and left a similar message via voicemail. The next day I sent him a text telling him I missed his call since I was out celebrating with friends. He finally responded on Monday, telling me he didn't see my text on Sunday.

 

 

I hadn't heard from him all week, but I had an emergency with my dog yesterday, freaked out and sent him a text, telling him about it. He texted me back to check on her, and later that night I sent him a text telling him that she was fine now, loopy on medicine, and looked cute..."kind of how you look when you are drunk." He never responded to my somewhat flirty text.

 

 

Anyway, I'm back to square one now, trying to give him his space and hoping he will come around. Things were going so well between us until I freaked out the week of my birthday, and I wish I could get him to pursue me again the way he did all summer. Up until just a week before my birthday, he was talking about the future, buying me dinners, taking an interest in me, and acting like our relationship was headed somewhere. I feel like I did something to make him feel like I am needy, and now I just wish I could show him that I am the strong, fun, independent woman he met this summer.

 

 

Any thoughts or advice on how to deal with this situation? Particularly, how can I get him to pursue me again? Should I cut off all contact? We still communicate a little, and we never officially broke up, so I just don't know how to handle this situation.

 

The man is clearly claiming space for some reason. You cannot make him pursue you. He has to want to. You should continue to be the strong, fun independent woman you were regardless of what he does.

 

You don't have to cut off communication, but let him do more of the initiating. If you push him, he will push you away. Don't try to close up the space he is taking by trying to pull him back to you. Don't make the space bigger either by getting pissy or emotional and pulling away too. Stay "where" you are, be his friend. If he has time to think and decides he wants to be with you he will.

[deltacharm]

Thanks, Redhead14. You basically said what I've been thinking. For a little more information on the situation, here is the letter I wrote him on my birthday:

Dear X - I don't know where to begin, and I will try to keep this as short as I can. Also, sorry for sending this via Facebook. I don't have your email address, and I thought it would be creepy to hand deliver a letter to your doorstep. For the past few months, I have really enjoyed getting to know you. You are handsome, smart, kind, fun, and respectful, and you have a lot of qualities that I find attractive in a man. I appreciate all of the time we have spent together, and I am grateful to have met someone like you after having made terrible mistakes in my past. I also really like the fact that you are supportive of my weird ways and all the bizarre extra-curricular activities and organizations and oddball friends I have.

 

That being said, in the past week or

so

, I've felt like the initial excitement we had this summer has waned. While I still find myself deeply attracted to you and wanting to get to know you more and on a deeper level, I find myself guessing and second guessing your feelings for me. I've pushed those insecurities out of my head and made my own assumptions and excuses, telling myself that you might be stressed, that you might have family stuff to deal with, that you might be just settling into a new apartment with new roommates, etc. Basically, I have done everything except just ask you straight-up how you feel.

 

Anyway, when you told me that you weren't going to see me today, I felt really sad. I know we haven't dated for very long, but I feel like it is pretty standard when dating someone and sleeping with someone to also see that person on your birthday. It never crossed my mind that you would make other plans that didn't include me. I tried not to feel bummed out or anxious, but here I am.

 

I hope that I am not coming across as crazy or insane or pushy. That's not what I'

m

trying to accomplish. I want you to have the freedom to move at your own pace and to really get to know me and allow me to get to know you and all of our various layers and quirks. I also want you to know that I am stronger than you might think, and if there is something on your mind, you can tell me. Even if that something is, "I don't want to hang out anymore." I would be disappointed, but I would be okay and I would still respect you and your wishes. I think you are a great guy, and I hope that's not the case. If it is, I will let you go on your way and I won't fight you or try to stop you. But, if you are still interested and if you do see this very slow train moving forward, can you give me a sign?

 

I'll understand if I don't hear from your for a few days, and I won't chase you down for a response. I just really needed to get this off my chest. And I want you to know that I'

m

glad I have had the opportunity to spend time with a man like you because you've taught me a lot about what I want in another person. And I care for you, I'

m

extremely attracted to you, and I think nothing but the best of you no matter what.

 

I hope things went well with the doctor today, and have a great time with your friend tonight!

Sincerely,

 

 

Also, just to give you some context, I'm in my 30s and live in a large city. He and I have several mutual friends, have a lot of similar interests, were raised in similar families, work in similar jobs. He is more of a quiet, go-with-the-flow type, while I am a little more high strung and outgoing.

[ThorntonMelon]

I think your letter is telling him what you think he wants to hear.

 

You have expectations in a relationship, and he's not meeting them. You have the power to set consequences for not meeting your expectations. Instead, while you're trying to be compassionate, you're sending all sorts of mixed messages. Do you want him to move at his own pace, or do you want him to act?

 

I don't think you're valuing your own needs enough here. Whether he's "wrong" for how he's acting is irrelevant. You need more from him or you're going to move on. Getting him to pursue you should not be a concern. Attraction cannot be generated.

[leoc1973]

ugh Deltacharm I cringed when I read that letter. Never ever write a guy a letter like that again!!

 

If he has roommates it could have been something as simple as he was broke and could not afford to take you out on your birthday. He may have been embarrassed.

 

Don't ever write a letter and sing someone's praises. How attracted to him you are. He showed you what you are looking for? Ugh now he thinks you are in love with him and once a week for just over a month is way too fast to have serious feelings for someone.

 

"i've made a lot of mistakes in my past" A guy just pictures you with a lot of sexual partners and even some 2 on 1's. Don't ever tell a guy this. As far as any guy you are dating ever should know. You are a princess that has been with 2 men and they were long term relationships.

 

Also when he texted and called you he was looking for a booty call. And no one misses texts. like ever.

 

Please understand I am not trying to be a jerk. I am 40 and did a lot of dating in my 30's and got a lot of letters like this from girls. They are a huge turnoff. Your only chance with this guy now is to either A. accept his booty calls and hope he starts liking you enough to start dating you again(which is highly unlikely) B. play hard to get. Blow him off a few times. Don't feel like you are going to ruin a good thing by blowing a guy off. Only good things can come from playing hard to get.

 

Next time you feel like writing a letter go ahead and write it but never send it. If I knew you personally I could show you my facebook of like 10 girls sending me letters like that. And the one I regret is one who didn't send me a follow up. Because all the other ones did. Never say "sorry I don't want to act like a crazy person" or anything like that. Because right now he is expecting another letter telling him what a jerk he is and you calling him a bunch of names.

 

PLAY HARD TO GET!!!

[Redhead14]

Thanks, Redhead14. You basically said what I've been thinking. For a little more information on the situation, here is the letter I wrote him on my birthday:

Dear X - I don't know where to begin, and I will try to keep this as short as I can. Also, sorry for sending this via Facebook. I don't have your email address, and I thought it would be creepy to hand deliver a letter to your doorstep. For the past few months, I have really enjoyed getting to know you. You are handsome, smart, kind, fun, and respectful, and you have a lot of qualities that I find attractive in a man. I appreciate all of the time we have spent together, and I am grateful to have met someone like you after having made terrible mistakes in my past. I also really like the fact that you are supportive of my weird ways and all the bizarre extra-curricular activities and organizations and oddball friends I have.

 

That being said, in the past week or

so

, I've felt like the initial excitement we had this summer has waned. While I still find myself deeply attracted to you and wanting to get to know you more and on a deeper level, I find myself guessing and second guessing your feelings for me. I've pushed those insecurities out of my head and made my own assumptions and excuses, telling myself that you might be stressed, that you might have family stuff to deal with, that you might be just settling into a new apartment with new roommates, etc. Basically, I have done everything except just ask you straight-up how you feel.

 

Anyway, when you told me that you weren't going to see me today, I felt really sad. I know we haven't dated for very long, but I feel like it is pretty standard when dating someone and sleeping with someone to also see that person on your birthday. It never crossed my mind that you would make other plans that didn't include me. I tried not to feel bummed out or anxious, but here I am.

 

I hope that I am not coming across as crazy or insane or pushy. That's not what I'

m

trying to accomplish. I want you to have the freedom to move at your own pace and to really get to know me and allow me to get to know you and all of our various layers and quirks. I also want you to know that I am stronger than you might think, and if there is something on your mind, you can tell me. Even if that something is, "I don't want to hang out anymore." I would be disappointed, but I would be okay and I would still respect you and your wishes. I think you are a great guy, and I hope that's not the case. If it is, I will let you go on your way and I won't fight you or try to stop you. But, if you are still interested and if you do see this very slow train moving forward, can you give me a sign?

 

I'll understand if I don't hear from your for a few days, and I won't chase you down for a response. I just really needed to get this off my chest. And I want you to know that I'

m

glad I have had the opportunity to spend time with a man like you because you've taught me a lot about what I want in another person. And I care for you, I'

m

extremely attracted to you, and I think nothing but the best of you no matter what.

 

I hope things went well with the doctor today, and have a great time with your friend tonight!

Sincerely,

 

 

 

 

All of this is moot now. Let things happen as they will. You sensed him pulling away. You did what you did. Writing a letter to him instead of waiting or allowing for an opportunity to talk with him directly is not a way to go. It was an effort to pull him back to you and maybe a little smothering to him. Putting it on Facebook, etc. is the equivalent of having a friend pass him a note in study hall.

 

Do nothing else from this point on unless he contacts you and you meet face to face. Then listen closely to what he says and respond in a balanced way.

[deltacharm]

Thanks for the brutal honesty, leoc1973. I had a feeling I'd blown it after I hit send on that letter. I honestly do want him to go slow with me. I don't have time to see him more than once a week, since we are both attorneys, I am on the board of directors for 3 organizations, I also have my own company, and I have a strong group of friends I enjoy spending time with. I am usually the last girl to jump into a relationship...in fact, this is the first guy I've dated exclusively in several years. And yes, we actually had the exclusive talk...he was the one who brought it up when he saw a text on my phone from an ex who won't leave me alone. But I digress...I feel like I screwed everything up just when he was most likely at the point where he was deciding exactly how he felt. I wish I could fix it.

 

 

I also know there will be other guys. I've already gone on a date with someone new, and I've been asked out several times now that some guys know I'm dating again. Since I am often doing things that put me in the spotlight, moving on is usually pretty easy for me. I'm just picky, so I have a hard time committing to most guys, and I find myself being the girl who does most of the breaking up rather than being the one who is left behind. I guess only time will tell where the cards fall. I know I'll be fine. But for now, it's tough.

[deltacharm]

Thanks, redhead. Also, just to note, I sent it in a private message on Facebook, not publicly. Not that it matters. I would never post something like that on his wall!

[Redhead14]

Thanks, redhead. Also, just to note, I sent it in a private message on Facebook, not publicly. Not that it matters. I would never post something like that on his wall!

 

 

The impression it leaves and effect remain the same. All the best to you.

[ThorntonMelon]

I feel like I screwed everything up just when he was most likely at the point where he was deciding exactly how he felt.

 

100% false. You screwed nothing up. He wasn't looking for what you were looking for. The letter wasn't your finest mood, but it was throwing a trash bag on top of a burnt down house. The house was already burnt down.

[Zahara]

Delta, I think the letter was a bit much but here's the thing, if a guy is of the same expectations 1) there wouldn't be reason for a letter 2) it wouldn't send him running the other way. You need to stop beating yourself up about the letter and believing that it is what possibly sealed the demise of what you had with him.

 

And even if the letter left a bad taste in his mouth, there is no reason to completely ignore you. For one, being avoidant and passive is a red flag whacking you in the face.

 

If you want to remain in contact with him, it's perfectly fine to do so but with very little expectations and with the realization that what he has to offer isn't reliable -- therefore, keep dating and meeting other people. But if scarce contact leaves you wanting more and hanging by a thread, it would be best for you to ignore.

 

Giving him space and hoping he gets comfortable again with you is you enabling a man that rubberbands. Chances are the next time you say something to trigger him, he's going to go into hiding again. Maybe that isn't it -- maybe it's just that the initial excitement and rush has died and he's lost interest.

[deltacharm]

I'm not sure that it was already burnt. A few weeks before the weird week, an ex of mine had died. I was pretty upset about it, and my guy had a hard time understanding why I was crying over someone I had not seen in 2 years and had not dated in 5 years. He told me he had looked the guy up on Facebook, and he was shocked I had ever dated someone like him (i.e., bartender, tatted up, druggy, short, chubby, hipster type). He told me that my reaction to the guy's death scared him because his ex girlfriend had been a super emotional type, particularly while his dad was dying of cancer, and he wanted to know that I wouldn't go insane every single time something bad happens. He told me that he hoped we would eventually be in a more serious relationship, but that he needed to know I was going to be strong. Going through the death of an ex can be a tough situation, especially when you are meeting someone new and starting to fall for that person. After we had that talk, he tried to be strong for me when I went to the funeral. But I think it was still hard for him to see me feel so helpless during those weeks. He's a bit of a stoic and the oldest of three boys. He doesn't have female friends other than the wives of his guy friends.

 

 

Then the week after the funeral, he even mentioned our future together, talking about things as simple as how we'd spend our winter just hanging out and enjoying our favorite HBO shows on the couch all the way to talks about what it would be like to be married, talking about hypothetical kids, etc. After that, he moved into a new place with a couple friends, I was more comfortable initiating contact with him, and that's when he started to seem more distant.

 

 

There are so many factors. I know there is nothing I can do to reverse things, but I don't think it is as cut and dry as "He just never was into me."

[ThorntonMelon]

"He just never was into me."

 

Who said that? You stated that you screwed something up. You didn't. He lost interest. If he was interested in you, your letter wouldn't have pushed him away. That's all. Trying to encourage you not to beat yourself up. Whatever the reason, it wasn't your actions.

[Zahara]

Then the week after the funeral, he even mentioned our future together, talking about things as simple as how we'd spend our winter just hanging out and enjoying our favorite HBO shows on the couch all the way to talks about what it would be like to be married, talking about hypothetical kids, etc. After that, he moved into a new place with a couple friends, I was more comfortable initiating contact with him, and that's when he started to seem more distant.

 

If he went so far as to talking about a future -- seasons together, marriage and kids, then the letter plays no part in it. It doesn't make sense.

 

What he did is called future faking. People say whatever they want to say in the moment, they say what feels right during the rush of emotions, it doesn't mean much when in a short period of time, those sentiments haven't been backed up by actions.

[deltacharm]

Does he matter that he liked me several years ago when we first met? I think he has been thinking about me a lot longer than just the past summer. He just never pursued me back then because one of his best friends liked me. Oddly, his best pal never asked me out, but I do know the night his friend got my number. My guy always tells me the story of how we met...he was holding an umbrella for me in the rain while we were at a festival with my then-roommate/his good friend and their other friend. We were all dancing and having a good time, and he said he was so disappointed when his friend asked for and got my number. I don't even remember most of this event, but when he told me about it on the night we were reintroduced, it was pretty adorable. He has retold me this story several times this summer.

 

 

I guess nothing in the past really matters anymore. We had a pretty adorable story as far as how we got together, we had fun together, his friends all love me, and it was nice while it lasted. At any rate, his friends continue to reach out to me and are inclusive of me in their lives, asking me to go to parties and stuff. I think a lot of people thought we were a good fit for one another. I don't really know how to handle his friends for now, but I guess I should keep my distance from them too, perhaps?

[Zahara]

Does he matter that he liked me several years ago when we first met? I think he has been thinking about me a lot longer than just the past summer. He just never pursued me back then because one of his best friends liked me. Oddly, his best pal never asked me out, but I do know the night his friend got my number. My guy always tells me the story of how we met...he was holding an umbrella for me in the rain while we were at a festival with my then-roommate/his good friend and their other friend. We were all dancing and having a good time, and he said he was so disappointed when his friend asked for and got my number. I don't even remember most of this event, but when he told me about it on the night we were reintroduced, it was pretty adorable. He has retold me this story several times this summer.

 

I guess nothing in the past really matters anymore. We had a pretty adorable story as far as how we got together, we had fun together, his friends all love me, and it was nice while it lasted. At any rate, his friends continue to reach out to me and are inclusive of me in their lives, asking me to go to parties and stuff. I think a lot of people thought we were a good fit for one another. I don't really know how to handle his friends for now, but I guess I should keep my distance from them too, perhaps?

 

Yes. All irrelevant. You have to focus on how he is behaving now -- and not what and how he felt several years ago. The present moment, he has left you high and dry. This is what you should be working with.

 

If you can't handle friends -- which to me when emotional is a bad trigger, I'd politely decline and keep a distance until you're ready to see them again without feeling affected by him.

[travelbug1996]

If someone I was exclusive with didn't take me out for my birthday, that would be a huge flag for me.

 

I would fall back and ignore a few of his calls and go from there. He's playing games clearly.

Edited October 10, 2014 by travelbug1996