Mutual Break up - The Next Step....

[Seeker12]

Hey guys, really needed somewhere to turn to and some guidance if possible!

 

So, i was in a close to 6 year relationship with a girl, everything was perfect, she was the ideal etc etc. We were planning on, even discussing and getting the marriage boat moving for both of us next year. However, there were some family complications, which put us in a massive dilemma. This delayed and ground to a halt literally everything we could see as a future, so mutually we decided that we will separate and keep our options open.

 

So thats what we did, after less than a month of mutual separation, she contacts me saying she had joined a marriage site (keeping her options open) and had been speaking to a guy who she was interested in. This freaked me out completely and emotionally i broke down, did the whole pleading, begging, crying, moaning etc for the next few days to her. She said its early days, but 2 weeks down the line they are off the site and are texting etc eachother (she told me this).

 

Her whole demeanour and method of communication towards me changed, meaning the way she spoke, addressed me etc etc. Its like she was getting annoyed with me (in the period where i was having my emotional breakdown). Anyway, just before our final contact, she professed that she may change, although she did plead a week or so before that i dont change myself and dont let myself get affected. She carried onto say she may not want to marry me at all now, which i feel was her way of saying she doesnt want to marry me, that she doesnt want any contact and would feel better after we stop all contact. She couldnt hold down a promise to me, and was changing any agreements that we had, refusing to stick to it. She would always feel upset when we spoke by text etc. and get hurt, no matter what the topic, emotionally she was recovering aswell i would say.

 

She even said that all she does now is care for me, she doesnt feel anything for me (like i said everything changed within a month), whilst its obviously the opposite from me to her. She even told me its best i delete her number! Recently iv realised someones been reading my email, through mobile, and considering she was the only person whose phone i signed up to my Gmail account im pretty sure its her. Im confused, why would she invade my privacy like this and read my emails?

 

Honestly, im trying to move on, but theres something lingering, some hope a chance. Her mindset towards me and us changed within the space of a month. Is there any advice you could give? Am i holding onto false hope? Is she just rebounding?? Thanks guys and girlls!

Edited October 4, 2014 by Seeker12

[lolablue17]

There's nothing to do really. She is honest with you and tells you literally that she doesn't want anything to do with you.

 

Go to NC and move on. It's over! Any further contact will just hurt you more.

[Seeker12]

thats true, iv started my NC period, focussing on myself. feel alot better and happier, doing things which i wouldnt usually do and reconnecting with friends and family again.

 

im telling you it damn well hurt so bad, i guess you are right. its out of my hands completely, and im not one to go around begging, pleading and getting her to pity me.

 

its just all these memories etc. iv gone past the period where i wake up thinking of her. but i guess you are right, give up all hope perhaps?

[lolablue17]

Apart from the memories and the longing, do you also feel anger? Did she hurt your ego and self esteem?

[Seeker12]

there was some emotional anger but thats about it, neither have been affected though!

[lolablue17]

I mean, do you feel she was unfair, or mislead you in any way?

[Seeker12]

in a sense yes, i do feel misled and unfairly treated in a sense, i did say to her that this isnt fair when i had my breakdown. misled meaning i cant believe how quick her heart, mind and attitude changed.

[lolablue17]

in a sense yes, i do feel misled and unfairly treated in a sense, i did say to her that this isnt fair when i had my breakdown. misled meaning i cant believe how quick her heart, mind and attitude changed.

When she was totally honest you had a break down because of it , so it's understandable why she's careful with you and wants you to cut her off completely.

 

I believe it happened much earlier than a month, and she is probably in a much more advanced R with no matter who. With you she's just trying to calm things down, not that she's worried about you so much, but more like she doesn't want any drama from yo in that matter.

 

The thing that bothers me is her reading your mails which is annoying. For that matter write a mail to a "friend of yours" (no matter who, you can even make up one and you need more than 1 mail, maybe a little thread) and in the mail say that you are so disappointed with her, that you believe she was lying, and you don't love her any more, and you're totally over her, and moving on, learning your lesson how to never getting into relationship with that kind of a girl.

 

And go NC! Don't answer her any more. Never.

 

I believe you need that kind of a gesture to bring back your self respect and dignity and yes - also some of your ego. (which is natural)

Edited October 5, 2014 by lolablue17

[Seeker12]

Yup i kind of understand where you are coming from, does seem she wants a complete cutoff now, and to be honest never experienced what i did in my whole life!!

 

Your also right on that too, whoever it is im not going around getting angry at them, playing the blame game etc. Definitely did get the feeling she wants things to calm down, get some space, move on from eachother, maybe in my breakdown i was manic, so i can see what your saying about the drama.

 

Oh my god its damn annoying, whoever it is, but im sure its her because iv only logged into that email with one mobile phone, ever, and that was hers, so her phone is basically linked to my email no matter what until she decides to signout! Iv been moving on and doing things, getting interviews, and everytime i sign in important and also personal emails have been read! Initially i was sceptical, but its just too coincidental now for it to not be someone reading my email. Breach of trust in a sense.

 

Thanks for the sound advice, i was thinking that, but was thinking what is my intention? To just make her feel guilty and make her come back to me, or just move on. I opted to move on so havent really pursued a fake convo through email with someone, yet. Im expecting her to stop reading my mail eventually anyway, she will get bored im thinking. She has only this window into my life now so very soon im sure she will close it herself.

 

I have defo gone NC after all that. But why shouldnt i answer her if she contacts me, sorry im new to NC? To be honest im not expecting her to contact me at all from the way she was acting, talking and behaving, shes gone.

 

Lol, sound advice, give value to myself again, i aint going to argue with that, neither do i want to see myself pleading and begging someone again.

Edited October 5, 2014 by Seeker12

[lolablue17]

I agree with all you've written here.

 

You do want to move on. But i know from my personal experience, that sometimes i wanted to move on (not only from a romantic R but also every time i thought someone lied to me or was unfair to me), I just couldn't let it go, no matter how much i decided to let go.

 

It didn't matter that I knew all the right things to do. all the cliches, I just had a problem with implementation those rules.

 

But when i did something (even a small one) to boost my ego, or to make the bad guy (or girl) feeling guilty, only then i could look forward and move on with a good winning feeling. We are all humans, we have a big ego who needs to be taken care of.

 

Yes, never answer! atay full NC because of two reasons:

 

1. this is the best way to move on quickly as possible. You don't hear from her, no details, you don't tie your healing with her moods...

 

2. If she ever wants you back in the future, it'll be only if you ignore her completely! People appreciate things they can't have or they have to work hard to get them.

Edited October 5, 2014 by lolablue17

[Seeker12]

You know what, lolablue17, that sounds exactly like me, characterwise. Iv had situations in the past where someone has said something hurtful, and iv plotted and planned to get what you could say, the last laugh or line, even if that meant i would have to wait a week. Ultimately, yes implementing it, although i know it, is the main issue here.

 

So, you are right in what you say, and what you have said is just a description of how my mind works lol i need to have the one last poke or whatever it is, then il feel content.

 

Wow, okay 1st reason i get about the NC, but the 2nd reason is out there really, its like using reverse psychology. I can understand about appreciating things that you dont have or have just got or lost, do girls work like that lol

[lolablue17]

I can understand about appreciating things that you dont have or have just got or lost, do girls work like that lol

 

Of course they do! Girls wish you to desire them even when they don't want you. They want to be popular! (who doesn't?)

 

I work in the TV industry and many actors and especialy actresses come to my auditions even when they know for sure that they dont want the role, or they can't because of schedule issues. But still they want to win the role and then say NO! They want the upper hand :cool:

 

Listen... I know that the "right way" is to move on, and not dealing with the past. The "right way" is to be perfect, to be jesus christ, to do the right things...

 

But i'm no perfect. I remember a girl dumped me with lies and deceptions, and hurt my feelings and ego.

Few month later I had the chance to pay her back. I knew some facts about her new guy, and i joyfully told her everything i knew, and ruined their relationship, they broke up because of it.

 

Was I proud? No! It was the wrong thing to do for many aspects and I was (and am now) pretty much ashamed of myself.

 

Was I happy and smiley after I did this? YES! It helped me to heal faster and easier.

Edited October 5, 2014 by lolablue17

[Seeker12]

Lol not surprised the feeling of want and popularity, especially by more than one of the opposite gender!

 

Haha, thats the mentality im implementing, the right way ie move on from the past, carry on with life, everythings still flowers and sunshine lol

 

Wow thats deep lol but i can see the dividends it paid off for you in terms of your own healing process, and right now i guess is the time to be selfish!

 

The ex is with another guy, like i said, i was shocked how quick she just went onto someone else! So i dont know, her healing process may be faster or not at all, she may just be filling the void i left thats all. That being said im telling myself there is no future kaput, thats the end of that even though there is that nag and obviously any possible following consequences of me going NC, im focussing on myself and really dont want to get into another relationship right now either.

Edited October 5, 2014 by Seeker12

[Chi townD]

 

The ex is with another guy, like i said, i was shocked how quick she just went onto someone else! So i dont know, her healing process may be faster or not at all, she may just be filling the void i left thats all. That being said im telling myself there is no future kaput, thats the end of that even though there is that nag and obviously any possible following consequences of me going NC, im focussing on myself and really dont want to get into another relationship right now either.

 

 

 

No, the problem was she already knew that she was going to dump you weeks even possibly months before she actually pulled the trigger. Therefore. she already disengaged herself from the relationship long before she actually ended it. She already mourned the loss of you and the relationship while she was still with you. So, when she dumped you, she was already leaps and bounds ahead of you in the healing process and you were at square one.

 

 

What I found most disturbing is her calling you up telling you that she met someone else. Like, she was gloating about it; rubbing your face in it. I mean, what was the point of it.

 

 

Dude, start NC. Change your email passwords and ignore everything from her. Time to heal and move on.

[Seeker12]

So the ex got in touch today in the morning, asking how im doing, this is like after 2 weeks after NC from my side, really out of the blue. i had a bit of a tremble for a minute or 2 but then carried on, havent replied yet. She knows i received the message, she followed up with an apology, apologising for hurting me and the unfortunate situation and asking for forgiveness, saying she didnt want to turn it into a massive conversation anyway. She said the reason for contacting me was some work she was going to send me, which i completely forgot about. She was asking if i have started my studies again, which i did from monday, not only that she asked if im still using my old email, even though she has access to my new one through the google play on her phone. Odd i thought, maybe shes stopped accessing my emails finally. Anyone help what should i do?

[Chi townD]

So the ex got in touch today in the morning, asking how im doing, this is like after 2 weeks after NC from my side, really out of the blue. i had a bit of a tremble for a minute or 2 but then carried on, havent replied yet. She knows i received the message, she followed up with an apology, apologising for hurting me and the unfortunate situation and asking for forgiveness, saying she didnt want to turn it into a massive conversation anyway. She said the reason for contacting me was some work she was going to send me, which i completely forgot about. She was asking if i have started my studies again, which i did from monday, not only that she asked if im still using my old email, even though she has access to my new one through the google play on her phone. Odd i thought, maybe shes stopped accessing my emails finally. Anyone help what should i do?

 

 

 

Yeah, don't reply. That email or text or whatever she sent you wasn't for your benefit, it was to ease her own guilt. She even admits it in her messages to you. Nothing in that exchange even hints to wanting you back or wanting to work things out. She wants and needs to know that you don't hate her and to gage on how much she actually hurt you.

 

 

Well, you know what? She gave up the right to "know how you're doing". Besides, she even told you that she doesn't care about you and doesn't feel anything for you. Therefore, what's the point of her contacting you? She feels guilty, nothing more than that. Ignore her. If she feels guilty, then let her keep her guilt, let her learn from it. Let her learn that you can't treat people the way she treated you and expect people to be okay with it.

 

 

NC dude. Start making positive changes in your life. Change your password and for Pete sakes BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!

[darocksin2]

I'm sorry for you brother. It’s difficult to imagine what you must be going through now. Where do you see your relationship with this girl going? Honestly evaluating our relationships is always a wise option even if it is a hard thing to do. What are some ways that you can keep yourself busy? Do you have a group of friends who care about you and can provide support? Be encouraged, there is hope! My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

 

 

Rb

[Seeker12]

Hey guys, so recently i posted about my mutual breakup and how it hurted even though we agreed to go separate ways (this is because of family issues, like major problems).

 

Anyway, lolablue17, credit to him an outstanding guy, gave me some sound advice and i moved on and forward. 1-2 weeks of moving on, and no contact (NC) from my side, guess who gets it contact? The old ex!! She apologised for hurting me, was sorry about the situation and how it turned out etc etc. i didnt reply straight away, i really thought about it.

 

She also asked for my email to send me some documents, which she still hasnt done, and she also asked how my studies are going.

 

Then half way through the day i replied accepting her apology, and just said sorry for any wrongs i may have done in the past. Anyway this conversation eventually spiralled into a full day conversation of happiness and back to normality in a sense, we shared pics stuff like that. Then the topic of her dreaded new marriage prospect came up, shes happy with him or supposedly she is etc etc.

 

She says she cant message me whilst shes messaging him. She had a massive emotional breakdown the next day because he gave her an ultimatum in terms of marriage, by the end of the week. she asked my advice, i said tell him straight. However they have resolved that and i think she has more time. She even contemplated speaking with me, shes in clear conflict with herself and she doesnt know where to place herself. I personally think her hearts with me, and she knows it, but doesnt want to accept it. I think the talks with the other guy are just too volatile right now and anything can happen over the next week or two, he wants to start limiting conversation with her aswell. NOTE: i have nothing against the guy at all.

 

Anyway long story short because i cant remember it all off the top of my head, near the end of yesterday we decided to say bye again, i told her im not waiting around and if she is willing then i will be. She repeated she cant speak to me whilst shes speaking to the other marriage prospect, i said she can if she chooses to, she said no, not right now, BUT she will be in touch, we ended on mutual happiness, my feelings are seriously waning/straining right now and im getting fed up, her emotions are seriously up and down. Shes going to see if it works marriage wise for this guy (she has to ask parents permission) BUT, i have a good darn feeling she will be in touch again with me very soon, sooner then she originally plans to contact me, im just going to carry on with my NC!!

 

What should i do long term? Im pretty sure i can get back in, but do i want to? I know for a fact she always loved me immensely, and that she will regret anything else she does FACT, plus im really bad at being selfish, especially with her.

Edited October 10, 2014 by Seeker12

[Seeker12]

Anyone? Any advice?

[SoThatHappened]

Anyway this conversation eventually spiralled into a full day conversation of happiness and back to normality in a sense, we shared pics stuff like that.

Been there, done that. It eventually led me back into a relationship with the wrong girl.

 

Run.

 

She says she cant message me whilst shes messaging him.

I thought you were in NC? Nope, you're not at all. She's tugging at the leash and you're still there. That gives her license to move forward with the other guy and an ego-stroke to boot.

 

Run

 

Shes going to see if it works marriage wise for this guy (she has to ask parents permission) BUT, i have a good darn feeling she will be in touch again with me very soon, sooner then she originally plans to contact me, im just going to carry on with my NC!!

 

Again, you're not in NC. You're seriously willing to wait around while "she's going to see if it works marriage wise for this guy?"

 

Really man?

 

What should i do long term? Im pretty sure i can get back in, but do i want to? I know for a fact she always loved me immensely, and that she will regret anything else she does FACT, plus im really bad at being selfish, especially with her.

Forget long-term, you need to think short-term right now, and that involves NC and running away from her.

 

Even if you could get "back in," you shouldn't.

 

Think logically for a second. What would you tell your best friend if the roles were reversed between him and you?

 

You need to work on those dependency issues.

[Seeker12]

What the hell am i doing? Your right, you are so damn right, i broke my own damn NC and im still being pulled by this damn leash. Why the hell did i allow 1-2 weeks of no contact go down the damn drain? Thanks alot, your objective input has cleared things for me.

Edited October 10, 2014 by Seeker12