Attracting commitment phobes

[candie13]

I don't want to turn this into a blame game, but there must be something in some people that keeps attracting commitment phobes... Not just one, but several ...

 

Did that happen to you ? This scares the heck out of me, because it's deeper than just stopping to see the guy one chick is currently seeing. If my theory is right, the next guy she'll find attractive will also be a commitment phobe. And the next. And the next.

 

What sort of insecurities and unsolved issues trigger this reality ? And most importantly, how can one work on themselves to change that, to evolve beyond this limitative state ? Anyone has any success stories or any theory as to how to break this pattern ?

[Assasda]

You have to give people time to commit to you.

People arnt going to just commit to someone that they dont know.

 

I think a key mistake is moving too fast, without actually getting to know this person, and just operating on the shallowness of sexual attraction

[Woggle]

In many cases it is because they are commitment phobes themselves. It is subconscious. Like tends to attract like.

[candie13]

In many cases it is because they are commitment phobes themselves. It is subconscious. Like tends to attract like.

 

I have realized that. Last guy I fancied... surprise surprise - turned out to be just that. So while it is them, it's also me. I want to change that.

 

How ? Where do I start? what are the steps ?

[candie13]

You have to give people time to commit to you.

People arnt going to just commit to someone that they dont know.

 

I think a key mistake is moving too fast, without actually getting to know this person, and just operating on the shallowness of sexual attraction

 

this is not about a chick who just wants a guy to commit after she had sex with him at the third date . I got that stuff handled, thank you very much.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I have realized that. Last guy I fancied... surprise surprise - turned out to be just that. So while it is them, it's also me. I want to change that.

 

How ? Where do I start? what are the steps ?

 

Depends on what type of problems you are having issues with...what do you think you're doing to get yourself into these kind of relationships with these kinds of men? what do you think you didn't do or could have done better?

 

To have a starting point, you've got to have some direction and self-awareness, you have to be aware of what personal issues you have that draw you into these kind of relationships and then simply keep you there if that's the case.

 

The steps are clearer when you understand the issues that you have, and they are essentially to counter those behaviors and attraction factors that draw you to the type of men you are drawn to...there are behaviors and the pace of those relationships is in a way comforting for you.

 

In short, you are likely another emotionally unavailable person yourself that just doesn't realize she is because you think you're able to have these surface level intense emotions that feel like they are deep and significant...but do you find yourself experiencing that often enough? do you really feel like it's these men? it's you who provokes that kind of attention, it's you who desires something..maybe something you can't have?

 

The problem is people always want magic solutions or answers without understanding themselves, and if that's the case you won't get anywhere. The past is everything, your behavior and choices you make need to be taken responsibility for by you, instead of sweeping them under the rug or over-simplifying them as many people find convenient to do.

 

You have to understand yourself on a deeper level to really be able to make changes from old or consistent habits, and most importantly be responsible and accountable for them...at the end of the day it really matters little what someone else does, it's you who controls you.

[Frank2thepoint]

I have realized that. Last guy I fancied... surprise surprise - turned out to be just that. So while it is them, it's also me. I want to change that.

 

How ? Where do I start? what are the steps ?

 

First step is to ask yourself if you really want to be in a committed relationship. When considering this question, calculate that a serious, committed relationship requires work, patience, communication, and being vulnerable. It's not always happy times, but overall it should be smooth. You have to determine that you will put in the effort to overcome obstacles in a relationship. Except for deal breakers such as infidelity, drugs, abuse, and anything else that you deem is a disrespectful and insurmountable obstacle.

 

Once you answer that, and decide to make a change to want to be in a committed relationship, then the next step would be to focus on your abilities, wants, and needs, such as communication and boundaries. Also learn to stand up for ideals that you believe in to make a successful relationship. If you want a man to be committed to you, you have to express the same, and clearly. If the man makes continual excuses, you have to lead by example, and walk away from such a man.

[Arieswoman]

candie13,

IMO you need to eliminate all these types of guys from your dating lists ;

 

1.guys that have a history of cheating/flaking/

 

2. guys that are married/engaged/just separated/ just widowed/just come out of an abusive relationship

 

3. guys that have all-consuming hobbies/work committments

 

4. guys that have young dependent children

 

5. guys that have ex's who are still hovering about causing trouble

 

6. guys that have relationships with drink/drugs/gambling/pornography that take priority over relationships with women.

 

If you eliminate these guys as you come across them you may not get as many dates but the ones you do get will be better quality. After that it's just a numbers game.

 

Good luck x

[candie13]

candie13,

IMO you need to eliminate all these types of guys from your dating lists ;

 

1.guys that have a history of cheating/flaking/

 

2. guys that are married/engaged/just separated/ just widowed/just come out of an abusive relationship

 

3. guys that have all-consuming hobbies/work committments

 

4. guys that have young dependent children

 

5. guys that have ex's who are still hovering about causing trouble

 

6. guys that have relationships with drink/drugs/gambling/pornography that take priority over relationships with women.

 

If you eliminate these guys as you come across them you may not get as many dates but the ones you do get will be better quality. After that it's just a numbers game.

 

Good luck x

 

the guy i like has only one problem that's on your list: he is a commitment phobe - eg he will make one step forward and then back away. than make again another step forward and again back away. he is not a flake in the sense when we are supposed to meet and he cancels or disappears... i sorta wish he did, because it would have been an easy to understand behavior.

[Arieswoman]

Candie,

the guy i like has only one problem that's on your list: he is a commitment phobe

 

then don't waste any more time on him......

[cerridwen]

the guy i like has only one problem that's on your list: he is a commitment phobe - eg he will make one step forward and then back away. than make again another step forward and again back away. he is not a flake in the sense when we are supposed to meet and he cancels or disappears... i sorta wish he did, because it would have been an easy to understand behavior.

 

I like Arieswoman's style of breaking it down to brass tacks.

Bottom line : Going forward, forget trying to understand the behavior; once you see it, bail.

If you choose to stick around and hook your wagon to him, ask yourself why you're avoiding real intimacy in a functioning RL.

Edited October 11, 2014 by cerridwen

[xxoo]

What did this guy do, that other guys haven't done, that has you so stuck on him?

 

I guess I'm flipping the question in my mind, and wondering why you haven't had a similar attraction to non-commitment phobes. What's "missing" when you meet that kind of guy that makes you less attracted?

[mightycpa]

I had a girlfriend once tell me I was afraid of making a commitment. I had to tell her that the problem was her, not the commitment.

 

Don't overlook that possibility.

[candie13]

1. what do you think you're doing to get yourself into these kind of relationships with these kinds of men? what do you think you didn't do or could have done better?

 

I am poor at the initial evaluation. I do not realize straight away that they are commitment phobes. I am very very poor at reading men and I am quite easy to read, myself. As I am rather spontaneous and impulsive, I think I attract these guys who are comfortable / like with this way of reacting.

 

what I am not doing well is not taking my time to not just listen to them, but see their behavior in order to link the dots. I don't do that because with these men, there is always - consistently - intense passion. I manage that poorly. I get involved and from that moment onwards, I've pretty much lost the game. I realize what the process is, but seem to be unable to stop it. Nowadays, when that starts, I can hit the breaks and jump off the train, but in no way can I stop to take that damn wrong train, to begin with…

 

2. to be aware of what personal issues you have that draw you into these kind of relationships and then simply keep you there if that's the case.

 

Intense emotion. Intense passion. I am empathic. I've had a father who suddenly withdrew emotionally growing up, so my theory is that subconsciously I seek me who are also unpredictable, seeking to make them stay and love me, thus changing the end of my childhood drama.

 

3. there are behaviors and the pace of those relationships is in a way comforting for you.

 

Yes, they are. I am a fixer. I have a lot of energy, will and determination and having a "project" - bf, relationship to fix - keeps my mind busy. I've realized that I focus on the others instead of focusing on myself and my own issues. I am working hard to change that. So now, given that I have hobbies and a job that I am very passionate about, it gets better. The trick is where I focus my attention. As long as I am very involved outside my relationships, I get a lot better at handling them. The moment I get sucked into a toxic relationship, it poisons each and every other aspect of my life and getting back on track asks me for a LOT of extra effort. Like a LOT. I manage to not get sucked into those relationships, but boy… am I getting dangerously close…

 

4. do you find yourself experiencing that often enough - intense emotions? do you really feel like it's these men? it's you who provokes that kind of attention, it's you who desires something..maybe something you can't have?

 

No, most likely it's not these men, they all trigger that response in me... high attraction, high emotion and then withdrawal. and then high attraction and high emotion and again the withdrawal. text book material, if you think of my dad. i get sucked into the unpredictability. Now, I am fighting hard against that, which in a way only encourages the push pull dynamic. It somehow always seems to end up in a challenge, there's always something I really want and they wouldn't give that to me or it's something that they really want and I would not give that to them. I know, but that time, that the relationship is doomed, because some fundamental needs (mine or theirs) are not being met - which is at the very core of the issue.

 

5. The problem is people always want magic solutions or answers without understanding themselves, and if that's the case you won't get anywhere. The past is everything, your behavior and choices you make need to be taken responsibility for by you, instead of sweeping them under the rug or over-simplifying them as many people find convenient to do.

 

hell no, I want to be happy. Last bloke I met was making me so miserable that I swore to myself to never ever find myself in that place ever again. and if that means self analysis, hard work, uncomfortable sessions, hell I'll do it, that experience scared the **** out of me. the thing is... I know myself well enough to know that I will never stay with a commitment phobe guy, but I really really want to avoid trading a commitment phobe guy for the next. I want to stop being attracted to them and stop attracting them.

 

6. You have to understand yourself on a deeper level to really be able to make changes from old or consistent habits, and most importantly be responsible and accountable for them...at the end of the day it really matters little what someone else does, it's you who controls you.

 

I am facing my fears, which is something that I didn't do before. I ask questions, I set barriers, I am making progress in adapting my behavior. I need to make much better progress at handling my emotions and most importantly at mastering my train of thoughts. I think I need to work on my abandonment issues … it’s just that it’s so deep… like, I feel a bit lost, really…

[candie13]

Candie,

 

 

then don't waste any more time on him......

 

the issue is not him, Aries. The issue is me. He has the same fundamental issues as my other ex. and the one before.

 

I mean, I am making progress. I stayed with the first one 7 years, with the second one 10 months, with the last one two-three...

 

this is not about me whining about a man. It's about understanding how to rewire myself to not be attracted to them at all.

[candie13]

I had a girlfriend once tell me I was afraid of making a commitment. I had to tell her that the problem was her, not the commitment.

 

Don't overlook that possibility.

 

I can tell the difference, no worries . I can totally take and understand that I'm not "that girl". For sure, that is the case. That outcome, in would come up in a natural discussion, in a normal relationship, with normal dates... I wish I had all that, trust me.

[candie13]

I like Arieswoman's style of breaking it down to brass tacks.

Bottom line : Going forward, forget trying to understand the behavior; once you see it, bail.

If you choose to stick around and hook your wagon to him, ask yourself why you're avoiding real intimacy in a functioning RL.

 

lol... that's not how the relationship started - I am not completely blind, cerri.

 

the beginning was this huge sky of fireworks and passion, promises to start fresh, change all, make some tough choices and ... be happy... then, when he saw that I was very cautious and taking it slow... he started to slow down and in the end the hesitation game began. I wouldn't have stayed had it not be for the seduction part... and yeah for the very intense emotions.

 

as I mentioned it before, experience taught me to take it very very slowly and look at behavior, not words. which lead me to some certain conclusions .

 

oh well, that guy is done and dusted.

again, the issue is not this guy. I understand, I got it, I've left. the issue is that this one resembles a lot to the last three I dated... maybe I just have a secret "sweep me off my feet" tag on my forehead...

[candie13]

What did this guy do, that other guys haven't done, that has you so stuck on him?

 

I guess I'm flipping the question in my mind, and wondering why you haven't had a similar attraction to non-commitment phobes. What's "missing" when you meet that kind of guy that makes you less attracted?

 

I don't know. the attraction, I think. I honestly don't know.

[Frank2thepoint]

Yes, they are. I am a fixer. I have a lot of energy, will and determination and having a "project" - bf, relationship to fix - keeps my mind busy. I've realized that I focus on the others instead of focusing on myself and my own issues.

 

No, most likely it's not these men, they all trigger that response in me... high attraction, high emotion and then withdrawal. and then high attraction and high emotion and again the withdrawal. text book material, if you think of my dad. i get sucked into the unpredictability. Now, I am fighting hard against that, which in a way only encourages the push pull dynamic. It somehow always seems to end up in a challenge, there's always something I really want and they wouldn't give that to me or it's something that they really want and I would not give that to them.

 

Well you know the crux of the matter, which is very good. Very few people want to challenge themselves to improve, to overcome it. You have the typical "daddy issue", and you are projecting this to the men in your life, trying to resolve what your father did, through these men. Since you are aware of it, then the challenge for you is to do the opposite of what your feelings are guiding you to do. Instead of allowing yourself to be taken over by the attraction for such men, make the concerted effort to detach yourself from such men.

[oldshirt]

I really don't believe there is such a thing as a commitmentphobe. I think it is a misnomer. I think there are women that use that term to sooth their psyches and tell themselves that guys are phobic so they don't have to admit to themselves that the guy simply doesn't want to commit to THEM.

 

And I think some guys may use the term to keep women hanging on and as a a get-out-of-jail-free card.

 

But I don't think anyone is actuall afraid of commitment. ....they just haven't found the right one yet.

 

They don't commit because they haven't found the person they want to commit with yet. It's not that they fear it.

 

If people call a guy (or he calls himself) a commitmentphobe, women tend to stick around and try to "help" him with his fears and he gets to keep on banging her indefinitely.

 

Where as is he were to be honest and just say she was the one and he didn't want to, she'd walk.

[candie13]

I really don't believe there is such a thing as a commitmentphobe. I think it is a misnomer. I think there are women that use that term to sooth their psyches and tell themselves that guys are phobic so they don't have to admit to themselves that the guy simply doesn't want to commit to THEM.

 

And I think some guys may use the term to keep women hanging on and as a a get-out-of-jail-free card.

 

But I don't think anyone is actuall afraid of commitment. ....they just haven't found the right one yet.

 

They don't commit because they haven't found the person they want to commit with yet. It's not that they fear it.

 

If people call a guy (or he calls himself) a commitmentphobe, women tend to stick around and try to "help" him with his fears and he gets to keep on banging her indefinitely.

 

Where as is he were to be honest and just say she was the one and he didn't want to, she'd walk.

 

most likely... especially those who don't want to find her

[xxoo]

I think you need a ton if passion, and you are drawn to similar guys. But early passion isn't stable, and when it inevitably dips, they lose interest. When they feel it, they act on it--passionately. It's very seductive. But when they don't feel it, they pull back.

 

I need passion, too, but it should build steadily. If it starts at 100, it can only move downward. I think you need to learn to recognize a 50 with the chance to grow.

[Frank2thepoint]

But I don't think anyone is actuall afraid of commitment. ....they just haven't found the right one yet.

 

They don't commit because they haven't found the person they want to commit with yet. It's not that they fear it.

 

I think you are on to something here. I must concur with this, because with past ex-girlfriends, I enjoyed their companionship, but I had no intention of being with them long term because they weren't right for me. I did try to resolve the issues we had so it would of been long term, but nothing was resolved.

 

 

If people call a guy (or he calls himself) a commitmentphobe, women tend to stick around and try to "help" him with his fears and he gets to keep on banging her indefinitely.

 

This is frighteningly accurate.

[candie13]

I did learn from my experience, so the moment I start smelling commitment phobes / start having that unsettling feeling, I stop all intimacy. At least, I've never stayed with a commitment phobe - it did take me while to realize he may be one, though. Since the moment I did, I've had the talk and left. Thanks Lord for small favors !

Edited October 14, 2014 by candie13

[candie13]

I think you need a ton if passion, and you are drawn to similar guys. But early passion isn't stable, and when it inevitably dips, they lose interest. When they feel it, they act on it--passionately. It's very seductive. But when they don't feel it, they pull back.

 

I need passion, too, but it should build steadily. If it starts at 100, it can only move downward. I think you need to learn to recognize a 50 with the chance to grow.

 

I don't need a lot of passion, I react to a lot of passion. Last time it scared the **** out of me, because I refuse to let myself driven by passion. It blinds me, and knowing the person near me is more important than living the passion fully. So you know what I did last time? I've stopped it. I've stopped it, to take my time and get to know the guy by my side. Guess what... the passion was the only thing that was drawing him to me. Too bad for him, I know I am hot enough to date and to bed, I want more.