edgygirl Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 So it's been 4 months since my breakup. This past week I just found out something really hurtful he did while we were still together. And I am angry but at the same time getting more over us, and I finally feel the urge to be with other people. It's a good feeling after all. But I am not sure I am ready to try and find love again just yet. It has all been so draining that I feel I should just have fun for a while and feel 100% like a normal human being again. So against all I learned in the past years of dating... I feel like having fun with beautiful guys who are not meaningful to me. And surprisingly my former beautiful lover from 10 years ago just moved back to town and wants exactly that with me. And then I'm also talking with this amazingly beautiful hot lawyer and rugby player 7 years younger who is totally into having fun as well. They are both SO hot, like rockstar / actor beautiful. Deep down I feel guilty for going for these kind of silly situations. I know it's deep down empty. Maybe I am afraid of feeling empty if I go for this kind of guy. I probably will. But I feel I can't take anything serious right now although I'm 40s and would still like to have a family, and therefore find someone real. Is it totally unhealthy to want to do this for a while? Just have simple fun for a while? I thought I knew better than this... I thought I wouldn't go there again but I feel that's what I want now. I thought I didn't care about beauty and beautiful guys and that soul was now what mattered to me. So I'm confused by myself honestly. Maybe because my heart is a bit destroyed by disappointment right now? So the question I leave here... is it healthy to go this way? To have silly fun for a while? Is my immature stupid side speaking louder than my reason? What's up with me? Maybe that's all I need now and it will do me good?
Ruby Slippers Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 I imagine a "you go, girl" chorus might appear to encourage you to enjoy as many hot men as you want. Of course, that's your prerogative. But if you're in your 40s and want a family, I think it would be immature/foolish to indulge in this. This is assuming you want to have children of your own rather than adopt. I'm 38, also want kids and a family, and am absolutely rejecting any men who have nothing more than "fun" to offer, no matter how hot they are. I'm looking for my MAN. No time now for silliness. Hey, if I don't find him in the next few years, there will be plenty of hot, silly men to distract me from my sorrows, I'm sure.
lauri Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 To be completely honest with you, doing things with someone isn't half as fun if you don't love them. Sure its awesome to have a thought free / no strings attached type of situation, but in the end someone always gets hurt. Being with these guys who are good looking may fill your needs in the short term but I doubt that you'll be actually satisfied and happy in the end. However, I'm speaking from my perspective and maybe I'm wrong. You know yourself best. Either way, I hope that you'll find someone special instead of this. I think that's what you deserve the most - someone who loves you but also knows how to keep it light and fun. 2
Author edgygirl Posted October 10, 2014 Author Posted October 10, 2014 I totally get where you're coming from Ruby. And maybe that's why I froze my eggs this year. Such a relief. Now my clock is ticking less. May even be the reason I feel I have some time to get over my breakup in this careless way. It's funny how I have passed 40 and was still fertile to freeze my eggs. My doc told me on my first consultation that he had just told a 25 yo that she would not be able to have kids. Anyway, thanks I do appreciate your insights. I remember you from when I had just joined LS Hope you are doing well. I imagine a "you go, girl" chorus might appear to encourage you to enjoy as many hot men as you want. Of course, that's your prerogative. But if you're in your 40s and want a family, I think it would be immature/foolish to indulge in this. This is assuming you want to have children of your own rather than adopt. I'm 38, also want kids and a family, and am absolutely rejecting any men who have nothing more than "fun" to offer, no matter how hot they are. I'm looking for my MAN. No time now for silliness. Hey, if I don't find him in the next few years, there will be plenty of hot, silly men to distract me from my sorrows, I'm sure.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 And maybe that's why I froze my eggs this year. Such a relief. Now my clock is ticking less. May even be the reason I feel I have some time to get over my breakup in this careless way. Interesting! I hadn't even considered this option. (Not sure I could afford it, but it's an interesting idea.) In that case, I agree the pressure is alleviated and you have more time for meaningless fun, if that's what you really want.
mightycpa Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 It seems to me that looking for love is the immature path. Such a search will naturally lead you down many dead ends and waste your time. The mature path is to be content with yourself and to simply be the kind of person that people love to be around. Do that, and love will find you.
Author edgygirl Posted October 10, 2014 Author Posted October 10, 2014 I know. Stupid OBGYNs don't talk about it unless you ask specifically. It enrages me that they don't volunteer that information. It is unfair that women are not given the opportunity to at least consider it through getting the right info. It is quite expensive indeed and I spent a lot of my savings doing it. Probably because my ex was so paranoid about my fertility while we were together... I went to the fert doctor on the week we broke up to check on my levels and the possibility. Less than 3 months later, I had them frozen. Maybe that's the reason he was in my life. To make me realize I had to do this so I could relax while dating and take things easy. I've been through a lot in the last months. It's not a piece of cake, lots of hormones injections involved. That's why I feel I need some distracting fun guys and not think about dating for real for a while, while still being open if the possibility occurs. Interesting! I hadn't even considered this option. (Not sure I could afford it, but it's an interesting idea.) In that case, I agree the pressure is alleviated and you have more time for meaningless fun, if that's what you really want.
Author edgygirl Posted October 10, 2014 Author Posted October 10, 2014 (edited) I confess the first part of your statement has been my philosophy for a while now (looking for love). And I didn't believe in the second part... I never believed in the concept of being happy by myself first, I thought that I was somewhat happy by myself and that this was bs, that I needed a partner to be completely happy. I think lately I've been understanding the second part better. What it really means is feeling you - already have a full life when single - you don't need someone to "complete" your life, but to - add - to a life you truly enjoy already. I thought I was content with my life. But the truth is I do have to work on have a more fulfilling life while single. It's hard for me to admit that as I always thought I needed someone to make my life complete. Lots to think about. It seems to me that looking for love is the immature path. Such a search will naturally lead you down many dead ends and waste your time. The mature path is to be content with yourself and to simply be the kind of person that people love to be around. Do that, and love will find you. Edited October 10, 2014 by edgygirl
Els Posted October 10, 2014 Posted October 10, 2014 It really depends on why you are doing it IMO. If you're genuinely doing it because you want to and think it'll be fun - eh, I'd say go for it (assuming the guy knows it's purely casual, of course). It isn't my thing, but I know a few women who do, and they couldn't be happier with their lives. It's the right choice for some people. But if you're doing it to try and hide a gaping wound in your heart, or to alleviate loneliness, or to validate self-esteem... it's possible it might hurt you more than help you. 3
Author edgygirl Posted October 11, 2014 Author Posted October 11, 2014 Good point. I think I want to do it for both reasons. I need some carefree fun right now as I am not able to deal with looking for someone "real" (at least for some additional more time but I do feel I will be able sometime soon to look for love again). I also want to do it to alleviate loneliness as well, and because I think a rebound situation would do some good to aid to the (spiritual) process I've been through in the last 4 months (of yes, sewing my heart back together again). Definitely not doing it to validate self-esteem, I think I am a great, awesome, worthy person and feel quite good about myself at this point in my life. So, do I want to do it for the right reason? Not sure. I do feel somewhat guilty as I deep down know it's a waste of time... but at the same time I feel I want some fun right now after the aching process I've been through post breakup, processing everything that happened in my heart and soul. I almost feel I've done the work needed and suffered enough already and it's time to move on. And to move on completely I need some fling to help me remember I can still get excited about other people. It really depends on why you are doing it IMO. If you're genuinely doing it because you want to and think it'll be fun - eh, I'd say go for it (assuming the guy knows it's purely casual, of course). It isn't my thing, but I know a few women who do, and they couldn't be happier with their lives. It's the right choice for some people. But if you're doing it to try and hide a gaping wound in your heart, or to alleviate loneliness, or to validate self-esteem... it's possible it might hurt you more than help you.
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